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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The One With The Vintage Dresses From Paris Geller Doesn’t Know About

998 replies

StuckInPollyannaMode · 26/10/2021 17:37

Previous thread here

I’ve lost count of how many threads I’ve had, so I bloody well hope this is the one where he signs!

I think whoever pointed out my mother gave me the dresses out of guilt is right. And don’t worry, I’m not handing them back.

I’m sure you will all enjoy this story. So, my grandmother left me various things in her will. To date I have received only one of them, which I have treasured and looked after for years. That’s why I’m so excited about the dresses.

The one I am particularly sore about is her engagement ring. It’s a diamond trilogy ring. I love it. I love it not because of what it is, but because of what it represents. She always promised it to me, and we were incredibly close (armchair psychologists, this is where you raise an eyebrow and look thoughtfully over the top of your glasses whilst going hmmm) not least because, when I was under a year old, my mother went into hospital to have my brother three months early. They managed to stop labour, but my mother stayed in hospital for nearly four months. I was only allowed to see her once a week, and got so upset at leaving her, that they decided it was best for me not to see her. My grandma moved in to look after me, and effectually became my second mum. I didn’t see my actual mum for nearly 3 months, and then she came home with a new born who needed all the usual attention. And Granny moved out again. When I was 8, she moved in with us and stayed with us until she died. I was the one who found her, when I was 13.

Any wonder I have deep seated issues?! Anyway. Back to the diamond story. She left me the ring. However, my mother has never handed it over. She wears it. I could understand not getting it til I was 21, 25, or 30 …nothing (she gave me half a dozen duck eggs for my 30th present, by the way), but then when my wedding day passed (and no, she didn’t hand it over for him to use as an engagement ring) and then my 40th…well, I’ve pretty much given up hope of getting it.

It was in a letter my grandmother left, not her actual will, and I’ve no idea where the letter is, or if she even still has it.

I have already told my brother that the ring is literally the only thing I will want when the time comes, as I can see her leaving it to my SIL just to spite me.

So, if you’re looking for a reason why I was fucked up enough to marry a loser like Geller, I think my therapist pretty much nailed it with the comment ‘do you think the way your mother replaced you with your brother might have something to do with your competitive relationship with him?’

As you were folks. I’m opening the gin and lighting the fire.

OP posts:
pointythings · 02/11/2021 07:41

I agree re buying them tablets for at home - that way he can't be Mega Generous Dad Who Has Given Them Fabulous Tech.

On the book, I'd let her finish it and then talk about it with her - what she thought of it, how she felt about the themes and the language, whether she'd like to read more in that vein when she's a little older. Take her seriously because if she's found something she really enjoys, that's good for her reading. It isn't an ideal situation, but you can turn this round.

Sleepinghyena · 02/11/2021 07:44

Separate presents is a better idea anyway.

tribpot · 02/11/2021 07:50

Yes, I'd either let her finish it, or I'd read it to her and tone down the swearing.

Joint presents were never going to work with Geller, they would either have been rebadged as his presents, or he would pull a trick like this. The good news is he didn't drop this on you on Christmas Eve!

ChristmasPlanning · 02/11/2021 07:54

Reading this I keep thinking Geller would make a brilliant TV character. He just doesn't learn does he.

I read about Disney Dads all the time on here but Geller is a much worse type of parent. So sad as your girls sound lovely. He should enjoy spending time with them

frazzledasarock · 02/11/2021 07:55

I concur with everyone else. I would point blank refuse to be the bad cop on this one. He allowed your DD to continue reading a book he deemed unsuitable and expects you to now remove the book when the poor kid is got halfway through. Nope, I wouldn’t do it.

Besides which it makes it even more enticing then. Do as a PP suggested let her finish and discuss the book together.

And definitely respond back to ‘double check’ he let his child read a book that he deemed unsuitable to pretty much over half way through.

I’d also get tablets for your house and give them to the girls before they go to their fathers.

Sandunesandseashells · 02/11/2021 07:56

Another vote for separate presents. My son’s dad didn’t do any parenting so our situation was different but from very early on, my son realised that his dad just threw money at everything instead of spending time. A PS4 or iPod / iPhone didn’t cut it compared with genuine care and love and my son recognised and verbalised this from age 10.

chillied · 02/11/2021 08:08

Did she bring the book home with her? I'd give her a tip not to take it back to Dad's as will get confiscated. (can't tell if he's already confiscated)

It's good to go with separate Christmas presents, you can ask your DC what they would like, choose it with them, e.g. clothes that they'd really like.

I'd ignore the whole message. I couldn't get worked up about a book. (love idea of discussing their reactions and thoughts with them)

BeMoreHedgehog · 02/11/2021 08:11

Let her read the book. She’s halfway through. By removing it you make it “naughty” and therefore more desirable. So what if it’s got sweat words in? I’m sure your kids have heard them before. It might even provoke a discussion about how certain language is suitable only in certain situations.

And hello 👋🏻 by the way. I’ve read all your threads, but didn’t feel like I could offer much. But the reading thing is close to my heart. I was reading adult books from age eight.

I’m loving the thought of your Grandma’s dresses!

daisyjgrey · 02/11/2021 08:16

Advice re presents is to keep them separate. Don't do joint presents until it comes to things like cars.

By all means discuss the 'main' present between you but I would steer clear of buying presents together, it's confusing for the kids for a start, before you get to all the "it lives at my house" faffery.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 02/11/2021 08:35

If the book comes home, she finishes the book.

He missed the chance of removing it from her long ago, and you are not the "book police", so fuck him.

Ask them to do a list and see if they want tablets...if their screen time isn't unlimited, they might prefer something else.🤞😇

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 02/11/2021 08:45

You deserve a medal the size of a frying pan for putting up with him all these years! How. Have. You. Done. It?

billy1966 · 02/11/2021 09:06

The gift of reading is priceless IMO and in my case I always allowed them to read a bit beyond their years at 8-10.

Obviously nothing sexual but a bit of bad language and early teen themes.

They are curious at that age so they find books that are a bit ahead of them fascinating.

I found books about mean girls, bullying to very informative in helping develop their emotional intelligence.
We often discussed them afterwards.

The result in this house was they all loved to read so a price worth paying.

comfortablyfrumpy · 02/11/2021 09:14

@StuckInPollyannaMode he really is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't he.

The book isn't your problem, he created the problem, he can deal with the problem.

Talking of Christmas presents, I suggest you and the girls buy him a book on parenting.

My STBEX is a complete amateur at Gellering, but still pretty annoying, and I find him difficult enough. I don't know how you do it Polly, I really don't !

You are inspirational though, please know that.

MistandMud · 02/11/2021 09:27

Yes, buy him a copy of ‘How to Listen so Kids will Talk’ and ‘Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town’.

pointythings · 02/11/2021 09:31

BeMoreHedgehog I'm like you, had two very advanced readers and found that engaging with the material they were reading and discussing it was far more helpful than banning.

It doesn't help that a lot of these YA books have colourful covers that appeal to younger readers - as a parent, if you go book shopping you have to really be part of the choosing process. Of course expecting Geller to do that is unrealistic.

longtompot · 02/11/2021 09:33

I can't remember how old your girls are, but if they are only a year or so off the reading age for this book, then I would let her continue with it. A pp said it could be a good learning tool to discuss use of langue and how some is not acceptable in certain situations.

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/11/2021 09:34

Let her finish the book
Let him buy the iPads
In the grand scheme of things it's small fry
Discuss swearing in the book in context of the story don't make a huge thing out of it
Dont compete with him there's no point
You've won the war overall don't die on this hillock

FantasticButtocks · 02/11/2021 10:33

What is this bollocks? He's devastated? Diddums. Halloween Grin

Sounds like she's read most of it already, and should be allowed to finish it. He's making very heavy weather out of absolutely fuck all!

If you want to respond to messages like this - just send him one thumbs up emoji 👍

If you engage with this ridiculous nonsense it will carry on.

And also, do not get into any sort of competition with him re Christmas presents. No need to collaborate. If he buys the more expensive items, then good. Just carry on regardless.

Step away, disengage. He is a total waste of your time.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 02/11/2021 10:39

Hide the book, tell dc you don't think it's suitable so she can read it at her df house if he says yes. The. give it to him when he collects the dc, tell him you've hidden it from her so she's not read anymore, but he can explain why she shouldn't be reading it and can dispose of the book accordingly.

I know It's petty and game playing but this would have really pissed me off

RandomMess · 02/11/2021 10:46

I would consider telling her that Daddy has told you that she's not to the book so you will hang on to it and give it back to her and Daddy for them to sort it out.

I would also ask her why she thinks Daddy doesn't want her to read it - I mean in "what are your thoughts" way to open up the discussion.

SkiFan · 02/11/2021 10:58

She’s devastated about the book being taken away. This was yesterday afternoon, so as I knew she’d only read a couple more times, I let her carry on. But she can’t keep reading it. I’ll happily buy her a couple more books, but we have to stop reading this one. I’m devastated by what I found.

🤣🤣🤣

So - in your view Polly - what's more important in this situation? Is it such a devastatingly awful and inappropriate book that she really should immediately stop reading it? If so then you need to take it away unfortunately and deal with Geller later.

Or is (as I think we all suspect) the devastating awfulness actually only limited to some elements of mildly age inappropriate stuff? In which case totally agree with the others especially Fantasticbuttocks. You don't need to engage with him on it just because he's had a paddy (and is devastated). In this instance I'd either send a message back along the lines of "oh dear it appears she'd finished the book by the time I received this message, perhaps next time you should act at the time you realise there's an issue" or better still just 👍and carry on.

But, it's your call whether you think she can continue reading the book at your house. Not his.

RobertsRadio · 02/11/2021 11:04

I agree about letting her finish the book if she is really keen on it, then discuss the language and how it might be ok to read it in a book, but it's not appropriate for her to use that language herself, especially in front of granny for example 😉.

wiltonian · 02/11/2021 11:05

Another vote with @BeMoreHedgehog for letting her read it. Children tend to filter out what they don’t understand and it won’t hurt anyway. I read Valley of the Dolls aged seven and seem to be fine now (and was very popular at Sunday School for Explaining Things).

StuckInPollyannaMode · 02/11/2021 11:15

That's an easy one to answer @TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius - alcohol, mostly Grin

You know what? You're all right. Fuck it. She knows what a swear word is, she knows it's not to be used in common conversation, she knows I swear a lot occasionally and she's pretty darn intelligent. Hell, I should probably be proud of the fact she's reading a 13-16 book at the age of 8.

I don't have the book, by the way. He has the book.

And YES. YES. Why didn't I think of buying them tablets for here? My Christmas is second, unfortunately, but that does indeed solve the back and forth issue. I can get them some small bits they have wanted and keep my fingers crossed for a good deal on Amazon Fire tablets on Black Friday (Any advice for which one to get of those by the way?)

I can't see that a book which is by a popular YA author can be THAT bad. It's turned it into a massive issue when really, it shouldn't have been. There's kids in their year who have seen the new James Bond and all the Harry Potters - that I have far more of an issue with. I'm a massive reader, there's all sorts of books on my shelves, the girls are welcome to any of them if they want to read them and you're right, it could start a good discussion.

He does love a drama, doesn't he? Entirely self perpetrated.

The girls have bought him a parenting book before. As have I. He sulked for days and had a go at them. Let's not go back there. He can have a mouldy sprout and be done with it (he doesn't like sprouts)

Remember last year when he didn't even get me so much as a chocolate orange? Thank GOD I don't have to spend Christmas with the miserable fucker this year.

OP posts:
Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 02/11/2021 11:56

Yay fuck him, my 8 year old is a massive reader too and words are to be understood not necessarily used at school x