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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and kids

439 replies

mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:05

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 11/11/2021 13:51

I guess I'm just scared. I'm afraid of what he'll do. I know he's going to cry and beg and make me feel bad. He always says I'm so back and forth and I guess I am because when I talk to him, he fills my head with bull crap and I feel like giving him a chance and then I get on here and all of you guys tell me to leave and then I feel like leaving. I'm just so confused.

OP posts:
MooncakeandAvocato · 11/11/2021 14:16

Then stop speaking to him. If he attempts to intimidate you, call the police.

His crying and begging cannot possibly make you feel worse than the damage this relationship might do to your kids. It seems that clear cut to all of us because it really is that clear cut.

What part is confusing you? Multiple people have said the same thing over and over again, and it’s clearly not helped. So, what is it that we can do to help?

MsDogLady · 11/11/2021 15:22

He even told me in the beginning that he was a master manipulator and he knew I was vulnerable.

OP, his crying and begging are pure manipulation. He cons you. You know this.

You haven’t ended things. Have you been seeing or talking to him?

He is a drug addict who frightens your children. There can be no ‘confusion’ about this truth. Your reuniting with him would be a tragic move and a slap in your children’s face.

Can the restraining order be reinstated? I am not familiar with UK law.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 11/11/2021 15:38

I'm not in the UK. The restraining order can probably be reinstated if he threatens me again. I know I need to just stop talking to him. I know I need to do what's right for me kids. Something is keeping me from this and I don't know what it is. I guess just his manipulation. I will do it though because I know it's the right thing. We still fight and argue even though he's off the drugs. He still accuses me of cheating. All that has not changed. He just doesn't get quite as mad as he did before.

OP posts:
RestingPandaFace · 11/11/2021 15:51

@mommy1977

I guess I'm just scared. I'm afraid of what he'll do. I know he's going to cry and beg and make me feel bad. He always says I'm so back and forth and I guess I am because when I talk to him, he fills my head with bull crap and I feel like giving him a chance and then I get on here and all of you guys tell me to leave and then I feel like leaving. I'm just so confused.
So don’t talk to him. Tell him it’s over and walk away, but all contact and don’t have anything else to do with him.

Move if you have to.

nomorefrogs · 11/11/2021 15:58

He was using meth for 4 years while he lived with you? And you didn't suspect he was somehow different at times? I'm shocked Op. you need to show your kids that scaring others and being violent is a line you don't cross especially with loved ones. Teenage years are where our kids learn their blueprint for future relationships so be really careful what they see for the next 5 years. Coming clean from meth is a very long haul and is he has been using since he is 16 he is going to find it very hard to stop. My advice would be to press stop on your relationship and divorce him. If you can't then see if he is still clean once your kids leave home and see if you want to continue your relationship. Regardless of the violence, hiding a lifelong drug addiction from your future wife is such a breach of trust that I would not be able to move past it.

Littlepaws18 · 11/11/2021 16:21

@mommy1977

I'm not in the UK. The restraining order can probably be reinstated if he threatens me again. I know I need to just stop talking to him. I know I need to do what's right for me kids. Something is keeping me from this and I don't know what it is. I guess just his manipulation. I will do it though because I know it's the right thing. We still fight and argue even though he's off the drugs. He still accuses me of cheating. All that has not changed. He just doesn't get quite as mad as he did before.
Reread this post. You state you know the right thing to do, but you don't want to do it.... then you try to convince yourself he's not that bad really.

Your kids should be your priority you let a violent drug taking man into their lives. No matter how charming he is, he has not changed- no one can change significant addictions in the space of four months. And even if he has changed he hurt your children emotionally why the hell would you want him back??!!! The very fact you had to get a restraining order previously should prove to you his character.

You need to stop all contact for you but for the sake of your children. Do it before it's too late and he screws their lives up too.

wewereliars · 11/11/2021 19:19

He sounds great OP, get married, your kids will be thrilled

velvetpeach · 11/11/2021 19:50

So you're still entangled with him, despite him being a violent drug addict who scares your children?

How is there any possible extenuating circumstance here. He had to be forced to go to rehab, he has no inclination or want to change, and why would he, when there's a doormat like you desperate to facilitate him?!

Have your kids at least got another adult or presence in their lives who are looking out for them in all this?

Kabakofte · 11/11/2021 20:04

'Doesn't get quite as mad' oh that's marvellous, all will be hunky dory then. For God's sake, if you won't protect yourself at least have your kids somewhere safe or you will have utterly failed them.

Puddington · 12/11/2021 09:26

@wewereliars

He sounds great OP, get married, your kids will be thrilled
They already are married.
TheTrinity · 12/11/2021 09:41

Your kids' needs and safety come first. Always.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 17/12/2021 02:20

So I have stayed with him through his recovery. It's been hard because I knew in the back of my mind it would never work out. Earlier this week he relapsed, got drunk, and showed up at my house when my kids were there. After that I'm finally done. I'll never be able to trust him around my kids again. I'm just so afraid of what is to come. He's going to lose it and I know he's going to come to my house.

OP posts:
Kabakofte · 17/12/2021 08:21

I hope you mean it when you say you're finally done. He should never get priority of time, thought, attention, space above your kids. Get rid once and for all. You may be scared for a while but if you keep him in your life you will be permanently scared /screwed over and one day your kids will go and not come back because you failed to do the right thing. Dig deep, dig deeper than you ever have done and do the right thing, he cannot be helped and you cannot be his saviour, he doesn't want the help and he has no respect for you.

Cloudfrost · 24/12/2021 01:38

I cant help wondering why have the social services not gotten involved yet seeing as you are unable to stay away from him

Original poster
mommy1977 · 04/05/2022 10:53

Somebody talk me through this please. I did go back but I left again a couple days ago. Everything was ok in the beginning but it all fell apart again. I want so bad to be done this time. Please God give me some words of encouragement!!! He has me so brainwashed.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 04/05/2022 11:20

The only way this will be over is for you to keep away from him. He swayed you every time so you need not to see him,speak to him, read his texts. You need to find your anger Op, how dare he treat you and your DC like this!
Block him on your phone and your social media but first send him one last message saying you want no more contact and if he persists you'll get the police involved.
Make sure your house is secure, if he has keys then change the locks.
Most importantly, mean it this time, no empty threats, just don't see him and calk the police if he won't leave you alone.
Good luck and be brave

LemonTang · 04/05/2022 11:33

I would consider reporting myself to the SS equivalent in the country I was in if I were you. It seems you need the support to safeguard your children. They would support you to put the children (and yourself) first.

velvetpeach · 04/05/2022 13:39

Report yourself to SS. Put your children first, you don't have the luxury of being "brainwashed" (which as you recognise the awfulness of the situation, isn't completely true) because you have children you have knowingly exposed to a toxic, abusive drug addict. So for five months they've had to live with him? What have they had to put up with in that time?! Maybe thinking about that will help you stop this now.

velvetpeach · 04/05/2022 13:42

Actually, reading the thread back and how many times you said you were done and never going back and then did, I don't think you are able to leave him, and you don't seem to be willing to access real life help to do so.

So, can your kids live elsewhere? So at least they don't have to be part of this complete shitshow.

bakewellbride · 04/05/2022 13:58

I was petrified of my mum's partner growing up and she always gave him 'chances'. It was awful. Instead of drugs as you're saying, it was always 'the stress and depression' that made him abusive. I cut ties with her completely a decade ago and rebuilt my life. Your kids could do the same if you don't put them first. Your attitude disgusts me.

bakewellbride · 04/05/2022 14:00

At least you now seem to want to be done.

purpleboy · 04/05/2022 14:07

velvetpeach · 04/05/2022 13:42

Actually, reading the thread back and how many times you said you were done and never going back and then did, I don't think you are able to leave him, and you don't seem to be willing to access real life help to do so.

So, can your kids live elsewhere? So at least they don't have to be part of this complete shitshow.

This.

Sorry to be blunt op, but you seem incapable of putting your children first so do the only decent thing you can for them and find them somewhere safe to live, because they aren't safe with you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/05/2022 15:08

I think your children need to live full time with their dad at this point OP, as you're not able currently to keep them safe and secure.

They must be so confused and so upset that you keep letting this man back into their lives.

Let them stay with their dad or a family member until you get yourself together enough to cut the cord for good with this man.

You said months ago that you love your kids more than him. So put them first and let them stay somewhere safe while you work through this and end the relationship for good, rather than subjecting them to living in the same home and having him in and out of your lives while you do so.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 04/05/2022 15:11

They haven't been with me during this time. I am done this time. I have to be. I have to do this for my kids.

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