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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and kids

439 replies

mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:05

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/05/2022 15:19

I think that's best that they aren't living with you at the moment. Are they with their dad for as long as needs be and safe there?

You need to speak to a professional for some help. Your GP can refer you to some counselling and maybe some safeguarding resources / SS support to help keep you accountable and have some fear of what will happen if you get back with him. The reality of the potential consequences would hopefully be enough for you to keep away from him.

No excuses now, it's up to you to choose your kids over him this time.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 04/05/2022 15:20

bakewellbride · 04/05/2022 13:58

I was petrified of my mum's partner growing up and she always gave him 'chances'. It was awful. Instead of drugs as you're saying, it was always 'the stress and depression' that made him abusive. I cut ties with her completely a decade ago and rebuilt my life. Your kids could do the same if you don't put them first. Your attitude disgusts me.

Believe me, I'm disgusted with myself.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 04/05/2022 18:28

Your poor, poor children. You’ve put this cunt before them.

I always normally try to fight for an OP but this thread has been infuriating and miserable and I’m sorry but I have absolutely no faith in you. At all.

velvetpeach · 04/05/2022 18:35

Herejustforthisone · 04/05/2022 18:28

Your poor, poor children. You’ve put this cunt before them.

I always normally try to fight for an OP but this thread has been infuriating and miserable and I’m sorry but I have absolutely no faith in you. At all.

This. It's all empty words. And the tone is almost... jovial?! Bizarre.

Were your kids taken by SS OP, or their dad? I really hope they have some support in all this.

Herejustforthisone · 04/05/2022 19:41

You’ve gone back time and time again. It’s evident reading your earlier posts you had no real desire to leave this man, despite his abuse, lies, alcohol and drug use, the fact that your children were petrified of him, the fact that they refused to come home while he was there…. You’ve chosen him over them over and over. I cannot compute that.

BornBlonde · 04/05/2022 20:51

Choose your children

Original poster
mommy1977 · 05/05/2022 02:10

I know I've made mistakes but this is it. I'm done this time. I know I've lost my relationship with my daughter somewhat. I must regain that. You guys just have no idea what this man put in my head.

OP posts:
Tigertigertigertiger · 05/05/2022 02:17

Stay strong. No more chances . It’s you and your kids from now on.
well done

Original poster
mommy1977 · 05/05/2022 04:24

Tigertigertigertiger · 05/05/2022 02:17

Stay strong. No more chances . It’s you and your kids from now on.
well done

Thank you!

OP posts:
GlamorousHeifer · 05/05/2022 06:21

mommy1977 · 05/05/2022 02:10

I know I've made mistakes but this is it. I'm done this time. I know I've lost my relationship with my daughter somewhat. I must regain that. You guys just have no idea what this man put in my head.

Everyone says 'I know I've made mistakes' like it's some kind of get out clause.
A mistake is forgetting to wash the kids pe kit or being ten minutes late picking them up.
Repeatedly going back to a meth head and having him live with your children is not just a mistake.
It is a life changing decision you have made on their behalf.
Stop with this bullshit about him brainwashing you, you're making excuses for yourself......because you come first over and above your own children in your opinion.
You probably won't be able to repair your relationship with your daughter, she will remember the time you forced her to live with this man for the rest of her life.
Get rid of him and mean it for once.

layladomino · 05/05/2022 08:08

Stay strong and ignore him. You have no reason to talk to him. Remind yourself, when he tries to contact you, that you have a straightforward choice:

him v your children

HE - is a drug addict who is violent and abusive, blames you for his moods, makes threats, manipulates, controls, distances you from your friends, accuses you of cheating, FRIGHTENS YOUR CHILDREN. The list goes on.

YOUR CHILDREN - are children. Dependent on you. The people you love most in the world, and who love you most. They deserve to know they are the most important thing to their mum. They should feel safe and happy in their own home. They need to see a mum who won't let men walk all over her. You are their role model in life. What behaviour do you want them to see from you?

If you choose him (and by choose, I mean staying in any sort of contact with him, ever again) you are saying he is more important than your children.

You know he doesn't love you. They love you so much. Yet his opinions get into your head more than theirs. Please don't wrecj your children's lives, don't wreck your relationship with them (possibly forever) for a man who lies, is violent, angry, manipulative and doesn't care about you or your children one jot.

PriestessofPing · 05/05/2022 08:40

I think @GlamorousHeifer makes a very good point. The language you decide to use really does impact you, often in powerful ways. If you change your words from ‘I made a mistake’ - which implies it was accidental in some way to ‘I chose to make a bad decision that has negative consequences’ it really changes things. That’s not to try and upset you, it’s just when you use the language of your decision-making it gives you more power and agency. You have made poor decisions but you know what the better decision is. Decide to choose that better option and stay strong.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 05/05/2022 09:54

layladomino · 05/05/2022 08:08

Stay strong and ignore him. You have no reason to talk to him. Remind yourself, when he tries to contact you, that you have a straightforward choice:

him v your children

HE - is a drug addict who is violent and abusive, blames you for his moods, makes threats, manipulates, controls, distances you from your friends, accuses you of cheating, FRIGHTENS YOUR CHILDREN. The list goes on.

YOUR CHILDREN - are children. Dependent on you. The people you love most in the world, and who love you most. They deserve to know they are the most important thing to their mum. They should feel safe and happy in their own home. They need to see a mum who won't let men walk all over her. You are their role model in life. What behaviour do you want them to see from you?

If you choose him (and by choose, I mean staying in any sort of contact with him, ever again) you are saying he is more important than your children.

You know he doesn't love you. They love you so much. Yet his opinions get into your head more than theirs. Please don't wrecj your children's lives, don't wreck your relationship with them (possibly forever) for a man who lies, is violent, angry, manipulative and doesn't care about you or your children one jot.

Well said! Thank you!

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 10:08

So what's the plan now then @mommy1977?

What resources are you using / services are you engaging to stop yourself from going back to him again? Have you asked your GP to be put on the list for counselling to help with this? Or looked for counselling ring privately if possible financially?

Have you apologised to your children for not putting them first and made a commitment to them to their faces that you won't be going back to him?

Have you agreed with their dad that they can stay with him full time as long as necessary while you sort yourself out?

And crucially, have you genuinely cut all contact completely (blocked on everything etc) with your ex?

Have you signed and sent off divorce papers?

Would be really interested in your answers.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 05/05/2022 10:12

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 10:08

So what's the plan now then @mommy1977?

What resources are you using / services are you engaging to stop yourself from going back to him again? Have you asked your GP to be put on the list for counselling to help with this? Or looked for counselling ring privately if possible financially?

Have you apologised to your children for not putting them first and made a commitment to them to their faces that you won't be going back to him?

Have you agreed with their dad that they can stay with him full time as long as necessary while you sort yourself out?

And crucially, have you genuinely cut all contact completely (blocked on everything etc) with your ex?

Have you signed and sent off divorce papers?

Would be really interested in your answers.

I won't see the kids until this weekend. I plan to sit and have a discussion and apologize to them then. They are with their father at this time. I am currently staying with my mom in another town so I'll see them on the weekend since they are still in school. I do still have a few things at his house I have to get. After that, I can cut all ties. Im wondering should I just leave my belongings?? It's a closet full of my clothes. Im seriously thinking about just leaving them there because I know if I go to get them I'll have to see him.

OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 05/05/2022 10:13

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 10:08

So what's the plan now then @mommy1977?

What resources are you using / services are you engaging to stop yourself from going back to him again? Have you asked your GP to be put on the list for counselling to help with this? Or looked for counselling ring privately if possible financially?

Have you apologised to your children for not putting them first and made a commitment to them to their faces that you won't be going back to him?

Have you agreed with their dad that they can stay with him full time as long as necessary while you sort yourself out?

And crucially, have you genuinely cut all contact completely (blocked on everything etc) with your ex?

Have you signed and sent off divorce papers?

Would be really interested in your answers.

I don't have the money to file for divorce right now.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 10:14

@mommy1977

So you still haven't filed for divorce?

Be honest, have you cut contact with him or are you still speaking to him either in messages or the phone?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 10:18

Have you even looked into divorcing him even though you say you can't afford it. I googled can't afford a divorce help and got this immediately:

www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

It includes the following info...

If you need help paying the fee
You may be able to get help with feess_ if you get benefits or are on a low income. You can apply for this help online or with a paper form.
If you apply for the help online, you’ll get a reference number. Use that reference number when you apply for a divorce so you do not have to pay the fee upfront.
If you apply for the help with a paper form, you will not get a reference number. If you do not want to pay the fee upfront, apply for divorce by post and include your paper form with your divorce application.
A decision will then be made about your application for help with fees. Depending on what’s decided, you may be asked to pay some or all of the fee.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 05/05/2022 10:58

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 10:18

Have you even looked into divorcing him even though you say you can't afford it. I googled can't afford a divorce help and got this immediately:

www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

It includes the following info...

If you need help paying the fee
You may be able to get help with feess_ if you get benefits or are on a low income. You can apply for this help online or with a paper form.
If you apply for the help online, you’ll get a reference number. Use that reference number when you apply for a divorce so you do not have to pay the fee upfront.
If you apply for the help with a paper form, you will not get a reference number. If you do not want to pay the fee upfront, apply for divorce by post and include your paper form with your divorce application.
A decision will then be made about your application for help with fees. Depending on what’s decided, you may be asked to pay some or all of the fee.

I live in the US but I will look into getting help with the fees. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 05/05/2022 11:00

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 10:14

@mommy1977

So you still haven't filed for divorce?

Be honest, have you cut contact with him or are you still speaking to him either in messages or the phone?

No I haven't filed. I don't have the money.

I haven't contacted him. I have had to be in touch with his family though to get my belongings from their house. Everything I own was there.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 05/05/2022 11:38

mommy1977 · 05/05/2022 02:10

I know I've made mistakes but this is it. I'm done this time. I know I've lost my relationship with my daughter somewhat. I must regain that. You guys just have no idea what this man put in my head.

You’ve not just made mistakes, you’ve made the same mistake over and over and over again.

STOP now. Put your children first for once.

I’m being robust with you because you’ve let yourself and your children down repeatedly and it’s time to finally make the changes you’ve promised over and over.

gamerchick · 05/05/2022 11:48

If you want your kids to move to their dads permanently and cutting you off then crack on OP.

velvetpeach · 05/05/2022 11:59

This is excruciating to read. You seem completely passive, almost relaxed about the fact you have chosen a drug addict who scares your children above those children!

Nothing in your words or tone indicates this time will be any different, I'd put money on you taking him back before the week is out.

Your kids deserve better. It's up to you to show you do. At this stage, I'm not convinced you do.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 12:11

Did a quick Google re divorce in the US:

Call your city or state bar association to ask for contact information or do an internet search to find them. These organizations provide no-cost (and also low-cost) legal assistance.

It worries me that you haven't even looked into this until I suggested it.

You don't seem like you're determined to move on from him. You're at risk of making the same bad decision again.

Can your mum take care of the kids permanently if needs be? Or can their dad?

Herejustforthisone · 05/05/2022 12:36

I fear the OP still doesn’t want to cut this man out of her life. Not even for the sake of her children.