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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and kids

439 replies

mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:05

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

OP posts:
mummy182822828 · 28/10/2021 05:44

That's not fair on your poor kids they come first I'm sure you will find Someone better then hun

PyjamasOClock · 28/10/2021 06:57

In terms of how and when you tell him, OP, I would try to do it when someone else is there. Will he have an outreach drugs worker, probation/social worker, or similar? Their duty of care is to him but they may so be good protection for you, like a barrier, if you like. But if the restraining order is still in place then you could just file, block, and call the police if he tries to come round. This may ultimately be the safest.

It's clearly been 4 years of significant abuse and I hope you can enrol in the Freedom Programme online, and if you've the money pay for some counselling for yourself as the waits are long, just now. All the best to you Flowers

Original poster
mommy1977 · 28/10/2021 13:14

@FeckTheMagicDragon

OP, this man is a manipulative abuser. He wants everything his own way. Not because of the drugs, or anyone else’s behaviour, but because he has learned how to twist people, minimise the harm he has done, and get other people to take responsibility for him. The drugs are a red herring. Don’t blame that, blame the man.

He didn’t need to actually hit you because he had already got you scared by breaking things. Like he didn’t actually need to physically hurt your children. They were already scared of him.

Im guessing he manipulated you into moving into your house after 3 months. He will have love bombed you and promised you the world.

He is still manipulative. You ‘owe it’ to him to give him another chance? Really? No you don’t. He has lied to you for as long as you’ve known him.

You owe it to yourself and your children to get him out of your lives. Sign those divorce papers and don’t get drawn into any contact or conversations. Go ‘grey rock’. Be dull and unemotional if you see him. Give him nothing to grab onto.
Look into doing The Freedom program.

You hit the nail on the head! That's exactly what happened!!! He filled my head with what I know now were tons of lies!!
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 28/10/2021 13:14

@HotSauceCommittee

Do you want to split with him? Are you scared how he will react? You need to be safe if/when you do tell him. If you don't tell him, do you want all this to be the rest of your life? Because his psyche is not going to change.
Yes I'm scared of what he will do.
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 28/10/2021 13:16

@velvetpeach

This can't be real. Your poor kids. Your fucking children, for god's sake, what is wrong with you?!!!!!!
What is wrong with me is I've been lied to to and had my head filled with shit for 4 years. You just could never understand unless you were in my shoes!!
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 28/10/2021 13:16

@PyjamasOClock

In terms of how and when you tell him, OP, I would try to do it when someone else is there. Will he have an outreach drugs worker, probation/social worker, or similar? Their duty of care is to him but they may so be good protection for you, like a barrier, if you like. But if the restraining order is still in place then you could just file, block, and call the police if he tries to come round. This may ultimately be the safest.

It's clearly been 4 years of significant abuse and I hope you can enrol in the Freedom Programme online, and if you've the money pay for some counselling for yourself as the waits are long, just now. All the best to you Flowers

Great idea!!
OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 28/10/2021 13:16

@NowEvenBetter

He said he thinks, he did, he will, he, him, he, he. 🙄 F.o.c.u.s. O.n. Y.o.u.r. T.r.a.u.m.a.t.I.s.e.d. K.I.d.s. Why is this not sinking in, at all? Excruciating.
I'm doing that!!!!
OP posts:
TooManyPlatesInMotion · 28/10/2021 13:18

4 months is no time at all. I wouldn't let him back into the house at that point, regardless of the kids!

Original poster
mommy1977 · 28/10/2021 13:19

He even told me in the beginning that he was a master manipulator and he knew I was vulnerable. Then he showered me with love and lies.

OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 28/10/2021 13:20

I'm looking into the freedom program.

OP posts:
summercupcake · 28/10/2021 13:20

I would say that by taking drugs and being violent and scary he has lost the right / privilege of ever living in your home with your children again.

If you still wish to continue a relationship with him it needs to be away from your DC.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/10/2021 15:45

Two vital questions so people can help you as I think you need to break this down into chunks because you're going round and round. So:

  1. Have you now told him your relationship is over for good?
  1. Is the restraining order against him still in place?
Bollocks989 · 28/10/2021 16:09

Just No, no chance

HotSauceCommittee · 28/10/2021 16:52

I can see it is the consequences of leaving him that are worrying you.
I saw a victim of domestic abuse tell the cops not to take the perpetrator away and arrest him in a pub full of their community.
She couldn't tell him and she couldn't let others know as she was frightened. She told me if she never saw him again that she would feel relief.
Who can help OP? You might need to involve the police.
You sound so ground down, I think you need to start talking to people around you and asking for help.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 28/10/2021 17:10

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Two vital questions so people can help you as I think you need to break this down into chunks because you're going round and round. So:
  1. Have you now told him your relationship is over for good?
  1. Is the restraining order against him still in place?
I have not yet. He just got released from rehab. I have not even seen him yet. No the restraining order is not in effect anymore.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/10/2021 17:31

I have not yet. He just got released from rehab. I have not even seen him yet.

Can you try to explain why you haven't told him it's over yet?

Do NOT see him. You don't need to see him to tell him it's over. In fact, doing it in person is dangerous as the most dangerous time to be around an abuser in person is when you tell them you're leaving them.

So send him a message to say the relationship is over, you're filing for divorce, that you don't want any further contact and that if he tries to contact you then you will contact the police to pursue another restraining order due to harassment. Then block him. Then call the non emergency police line and tell them exactly what you've just done, that he has form for violent behaviour, has recently been released and your children and you are afraid of him - ask them for their advice on next steps and do what they say.

Tell his family if they contact you, which they will because they will want him off their plates and onto yours, exactly the same thing. That it's over, no contact needed, divorce being filed, you won't hesitate to call the police if he comes to see you etc. And again, follow through.

You don't seem to get that you don't ever, ever, ever have to speak to him again. You don't have to have a conversation with him. He doesn't have to agree with your decision to end it.

Does any of that sound doable to you?

FeckTheMagicDragon · 28/10/2021 19:30

We’ll done for looking into the Freedom program! You do need support to get through this.
And I agree with the post above. Do it. Rip off that plaster!

NowEvenBetter · 29/10/2021 00:25

You say you’re doing that, but how, when your kids that you’ve traumatised are parented by their fathers and spend minimal time with you, are they in therapy yet? Have you notified social services of the risk you’ve chosen to inflict on your kids? Any other bare minimum things? Bothered to look in to how trauma impacts kids for life? (I’m not interested in your answers, but it’s just bare, basic minimum things that should already be in place for these poor kids)

Original poster
mommy1977 · 29/10/2021 12:38

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I have not yet. He just got released from rehab. I have not even seen him yet.

Can you try to explain why you haven't told him it's over yet?

Do NOT see him. You don't need to see him to tell him it's over. In fact, doing it in person is dangerous as the most dangerous time to be around an abuser in person is when you tell them you're leaving them.

So send him a message to say the relationship is over, you're filing for divorce, that you don't want any further contact and that if he tries to contact you then you will contact the police to pursue another restraining order due to harassment. Then block him. Then call the non emergency police line and tell them exactly what you've just done, that he has form for violent behaviour, has recently been released and your children and you are afraid of him - ask them for their advice on next steps and do what they say.

Tell his family if they contact you, which they will because they will want him off their plates and onto yours, exactly the same thing. That it's over, no contact needed, divorce being filed, you won't hesitate to call the police if he comes to see you etc. And again, follow through.

You don't seem to get that you don't ever, ever, ever have to speak to him again. You don't have to have a conversation with him. He doesn't have to agree with your decision to end it.

Does any of that sound doable to you?

Yes
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/10/2021 13:40

Do it then OP.

Then you can come back and tell us you've done it and you can get some support on here to stick to it for your kids sake.

You could tell him it's over and block him etc today (as outlined in my post mentioning any contact will be reported as harassment) and then use the weekend to reassure your kids and spend some quality time with them. Or if it's not your weekend with them, spending time planning ahead eg how to file for divorce, speaking to womens aid.

It would be great if you would do that, what a relief it would be for your kids.

sandybeach93 · 29/10/2021 14:18

If he's out it's probably best to keep it that way, if you want to continue the relationship do so but without making the children be part of it until they are comfortable with it

sandybeach93 · 29/10/2021 14:47

100% recommend freedom program

Original poster
mommy1977 · 29/10/2021 16:03

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Do it then OP.

Then you can come back and tell us you've done it and you can get some support on here to stick to it for your kids sake.

You could tell him it's over and block him etc today (as outlined in my post mentioning any contact will be reported as harassment) and then use the weekend to reassure your kids and spend some quality time with them. Or if it's not your weekend with them, spending time planning ahead eg how to file for divorce, speaking to womens aid.

It would be great if you would do that, what a relief it would be for your kids.

I don't just get weekends with my kids. I have them for a week at a time and their father has them for a week at a time. We have equal time with our children.
OP posts:
pointythings · 29/10/2021 16:05

That isn't the point though, OP. The point is that you need to act decisively, now. I know you are afraid of this man, but that's all the more reason to act instead of putting off the inevitable.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/10/2021 16:31

I don't just get weekends with my kids. I have them for a week at a time and their father has them for a week at a time. We have equal time with our children.

Your attitude is so bizarre to people trying to help you OP.

I know you have 50/50 as you have said that.

Hence why I meant if this weekend falls under one of your weeks you can do one thing, whereas if this weekend falls under their dad's week you can do the other thing.

It's getting really frustrating trying to help when you seem insistent on not acknowledging the important things and instead looking for attacks or being defensive.

So why not just tell your ex it's over and do the other stuff I suggested? You said it sounded feasible and you said you wanted to. Now you've circled back to accusing people of getting details wrong... even when they haven't.

So are you going to tell him it's over and not to contact you?