Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and kids

439 replies

mommy1977 · 25/10/2021 13:05

I have a big decision to make. My husband, which is my kids step-father, had to go to rehab for drugs. Now my kids hate him because he was violent and scared them when he was on the drugs. He hasn't been living with us for about 4 months. I want him back home now that he's off the drugs but my kids don't. What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 05/05/2022 12:46

velvetpeach · 05/05/2022 11:59

This is excruciating to read. You seem completely passive, almost relaxed about the fact you have chosen a drug addict who scares your children above those children!

Nothing in your words or tone indicates this time will be any different, I'd put money on you taking him back before the week is out.

Your kids deserve better. It's up to you to show you do. At this stage, I'm not convinced you do.

I'm NOT going back!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 05/05/2022 12:52

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 12:11

Did a quick Google re divorce in the US:

Call your city or state bar association to ask for contact information or do an internet search to find them. These organizations provide no-cost (and also low-cost) legal assistance.

It worries me that you haven't even looked into this until I suggested it.

You don't seem like you're determined to move on from him. You're at risk of making the same bad decision again.

Can your mum take care of the kids permanently if needs be? Or can their dad?

I just left 2 days ago. I've been moving for the past 2 days so I really haven't had time to do that yet. I will though. I'm taking this one step at a time. The first step was to leave and I've done that. My next step is divorce.

OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 05/05/2022 12:53

I am determined not to go back this time. I won't do it again. My focus at this point is getting away from him and seeing my kids.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 13:15

If all you have left there is clothes and other than that you can have a clean break then I'm not sure why you're risking going back to get them tbh.

You need never see this man again. Ever.

If you go to collect some clothing then you're actively choosing to see him, knowing full well that when you've done so previously he's persuaded you to give him another chance.

You aren't mentally strong enough at the moment not to be manipulated by him.

So are some tops and dresses worth risking it?

Of course not.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 13:16

And you could just send a friend / family member to get your clothes.

The more I think about it the clearer it is that on some level you do want to see him in person again otherwise you would have chosen one of the many options that don't require you to do so.

Tallisimo · 05/05/2022 13:20

Truly, I’d listen to your children. They have a right to live somewhere where they aren’t scared. Being a drug addict doesn’t mean you are violent or abusive, the addiction is a very poor excuse. And only 4 months clean? That’s nothing. There’s no way he’d be coming back into my home even if there were no children involved..

Original poster
mommy1977 · 05/05/2022 13:29

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 13:15

If all you have left there is clothes and other than that you can have a clean break then I'm not sure why you're risking going back to get them tbh.

You need never see this man again. Ever.

If you go to collect some clothing then you're actively choosing to see him, knowing full well that when you've done so previously he's persuaded you to give him another chance.

You aren't mentally strong enough at the moment not to be manipulated by him.

So are some tops and dresses worth risking it?

Of course not.

You're right. I may just leave the clothes. I don't want to see him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 05/05/2022 13:30

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/05/2022 13:16

And you could just send a friend / family member to get your clothes.

The more I think about it the clearer it is that on some level you do want to see him in person again otherwise you would have chosen one of the many options that don't require you to do so.

I do not want to see him but I had to get my stuff out of that house. I think I will leave the clothes.

OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 10/05/2022 18:58

How are you op x

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/05/2022 19:07

Have you managed to cut contact yet @mommy1977?

Original poster
mommy1977 · 10/05/2022 19:18

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/05/2022 19:07

Have you managed to cut contact yet @mommy1977?

I have.

OP posts:
Original poster
mommy1977 · 10/05/2022 19:20

Itstimetoquit · 10/05/2022 18:58

How are you op x

I'm not doing so good. I just have a lot of guilt from letting myself be manipulated for all these years. I fell horrible for putting my kids through this. I made some poor decision that I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. I'm starting counseling next week so maybe that will help some.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/05/2022 23:52

Have you spoken to your kids yet to say you're sorry for the past actions and to reassure and promise them them you will never, ever go back to him? I think it would be a healing thing to do and also make you feel accountable for sticking to that promise.

Let us know how your first counselling session went if you'd like, it would be great to know you're taking positive steps - I'm really pleased you're going and have got a session booked now.

Invased · 12/05/2022 03:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ParisLondonTokyoSlough · 12/05/2022 04:40

@Invased I’ve reported your disgusting comment. Hopefully it’s deleted asap before OP sees.

Pickabearanybear · 12/05/2022 04:46

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

grapewines · 12/05/2022 05:36

Invased Wtf. Reported.

KosherDill · 12/05/2022 05:52

For god's sake, don't subject your kids to a violent druggie. Why is that even a question??

mycatallowsmetolivehere · 12/05/2022 07:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Herejustforthisone · 12/05/2022 10:30

Christ, what on earth did Invased say? 😬

StarDolphins · 12/05/2022 10:33

Children must come first!! If my child was even a little bit scared, worried or upset by ANYONE- they would never step foot in our home again.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/05/2022 11:06

Just checking in. Have you spoken to your kids yet to say you're sorry for the past actions and to reassure and promise them them you will never, ever go back to him? I think it would be a healing thing to do and also make you feel accountable for sticking to that promise. Let us know how your first counselling session went if you'd like, it would be great to know you're taking positive steps - I'm really pleased you're going and have got a session booked now.

Original poster
mommy1977 · 15/05/2022 15:37

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/05/2022 23:52

Have you spoken to your kids yet to say you're sorry for the past actions and to reassure and promise them them you will never, ever go back to him? I think it would be a healing thing to do and also make you feel accountable for sticking to that promise.

Let us know how your first counselling session went if you'd like, it would be great to know you're taking positive steps - I'm really pleased you're going and have got a session booked now.

Yes I have apologized to my kids and promised to not go back.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/05/2022 17:26

That's good OP.

Have you completely, 100% stopped all contact with him entirely?

Original poster
mommy1977 · 15/05/2022 18:50

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/05/2022 17:26

That's good OP.

Have you completely, 100% stopped all contact with him entirely?

I have.

OP posts: