Not heard anything, would you consider it over?

[SadOied]

I thought I met the most wonderful person around a year and a bit ago. We’d said we were in love and to be honest I’d never felt love like it, he said the same. I’d been very happy except for the fact we are both almost 40 and I said from the start I wanted to find something serious, someone to build a life with. He said he felt the same and that he had regretted his work taking over his life and ruining relationships in the past. Towards the end of the relationship we were spending every night together pretty much.

But as time went on he didn’t seem to want to put us first. It seemed to make him stressed and gave the impression he was always compromising with the most basic things, like if I wanted him to be free to come to a wedding with me for a close friend, even with months of notice he would not want to commit to saying yes he would be there.

Anyway. I said I needed more and that he wasn’t prioritising us, he said he didn’t know how to change and that he loved me very much (lots of tears). I said it shouldn’t be this hard and I just wanted him to take part in a few things that mattered to me. I then said maybe you need to reflect on things and that in the meantime I have to get on with my life. He said ok and he loved me and maybe he did need to reflect as he felt things were getting on top of him. We said goodbye. Not heard from him. It’s painful. I knew this was the risk I was taking when I said what I said but guess I had hoped he would realise what we had mattered and would be in touch at least to talk.

Just feeling shit. Anyone experienced similar? It’s been two weeks so I assume he thinks it’s better without me :(

In the last conversation we had I made it very very clear that I didn’t want it to be over and that I loved him but I felt I had no choice now because he was becoming withdrawn whenever I wanted to make any sort of plan/have him involved in anything that required him giving up his time. We were practically living together but he didn’t seem to want to feed into my life fully so I didn’t feel I had a choice. Just gutted I’ve not heard anything :(

He's a time waster and a future faker.

Move on with your life.

It sounds like he's addicted to his work, and now you are out of the picture, he's just let it absorb him again.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he gets in touch after some ridiculously long length of time - by which point, you will most probably have given up on him. Sadly, OP, I don't think men like this ever change.

As you said, you have to get on with your life. He isn't mature enough to give you what you want, you made the right decision

Urghhhhh @samwitwicky @MadMadMadamMim @Time40 I almost wish I hadn’t said anything. I was very in love (still am!).

I knew there was a chance I wouldn’t hear from him. It wasn’t a game or a test. I’m just fucking sad he’s not bothered to even try and talk to work it through. Which was the last thing I said to him - I said please know we can talk about anything, I just want us to move forward.

Urgh I feel rejected and confused about how we could have been so in love. Surely we were worth more than this. I guess his silence tells me everything!

Yep, he’s moved on. You told him you had to get on with your life and he took you at your word. TBH,If somebody has said that to me I’d do the same. Delete, move on and don’t look back.

@SadOied

Urghhhhh *@samwitwicky* *@MadMadMadamMim* *@Time40* I almost wish I hadn’t said anything. I was very in love (still am!).

I knew there was a chance I wouldn’t hear from him. It wasn’t a game or a test. I’m just fucking sad he’s not bothered to even try and talk to work it through. Which was the last thing I said to him - I said please know we can talk about anything, I just want us to move forward.

Urgh I feel rejected and confused about how we could have been so in love. Surely we were worth more than this. I guess his silence tells me everything!

Why would he try and talk it through? The man can't even give you his time when you need it.

It sucks.

But better you know now

@Pyewackect

Yep, he’s moved on. You told him you had to get on with your life and he took you at your word. TBH,If somebody has said that to me I’d do the same. Delete, move on and don’t look back.

@Pyewackect I didn’t feel I had much choice as the alternative was having an almost living together situation but no real effort to take part in my life with things that were going on. I.e. not even the basics like travelling to see my parents. I had hoped if he loved me he would think about this and want to fix it. I couldn’t carry on as it was.

@samwitwicky yeah I guess it is. Just feels so rubbish. And i’m not exactly young at approaching 40, could have done without being messed about with someone half arsed.

You handled this so well though - you set your boundaries and didn't settle. I know it feels shit but you haven't lost anything he was a as pp have said a future faker.

The not committing to one off events god it drives me fucking nuts when they do this and it's a manipulation technique. Reminds me to appreciate dp because he makes spreadsheets for us of plans we have.

I dated several of the can't bloody commit to a cup of tea but you see them every day twats.

@SadOied you should be very proud of yourself for handling this in a very mature and dignified manner
Now you need to do as you say and get on with your life . There will be someone who will prioritise you .

I wouldn’t waste time being so sad if I were you, your gut instinct was right as your not getting and your not going to get what you want or need out of this relationship.

He has most likely realised that despite saying he wanted the same things at the start, when it’s come down to it he can’t actually do it, and that’s quite simply because he just doesn’t want to. In short he has come to the conclusion that he can’t give you what you want or need either.

Your not bring at all unreasonable in asking for the time and commitment you have, especially after more than a year! It’s just sadly this man isn’t going to be the man to give it to you.

You’ve done the right thing. Love isn’t about saying words it’s about actions.
💐

As PP said, you should be proud of yourself.

You set boundaries and didn't settle, don't ever feel bad for this x

He's given you a lot of his time tbf if you were seeing each other every night. His time was never a factor, but he never saw it as an ongoing thing, which hurts, but at least you know. Not being willing to commit to sharing future occasions with you, tells you all you need to know, and you have been wise to challenge him before getting in any deeper. It hurts now, but it would of been worse as time went on. Pick yourself up, get on with life as you said you would. See the friends and family you've likely neglected a bit if you've been every day with each other - bit odd that, did he not have friends to see?

Thank you so much! I feel so much brighter reading these messages. I woke up feeling horrendous.

Thank you

I can’t say I was 100% dignified as I did have a blazing row with him about two weeks before it ended where I said he was taking the piss and not acting like an adult. And lots more… not my finest moment!!

It doesn't feel like it now, but you've done the right thing. You gave him a clear message to step up, and he chose not to bother.

Please don't think things like you shouldn't have said anything! This isn't your fault. He wasn't giving you what you needed in the relationship (perfectly normal things), and as soon as you set a boundary he disappeared rather than do what it takes to keep you.

PPs were right when they said he was future faking. He sucked you in with promises and declarations of love but really it was all on his terms

@Opentooffers That’s why I felt so confused i think. He did spend lots of time with me but factoring me into building a future seemed impossible. He’d never even met my family .

He has told you he has form for this in previous relationships, so unfortunately he was giving you a heads up that his life is his work, he doesn't respond well to deeper relationships and unfortunately you thought this would change with you. You have set a boundary, he knows he cant step up for you and has taken you at your word. You can learn a great lesson from this, when a man tells you who he is....believe him.

You told him you are moving on. His response is perfectly appropriate. Was it supposed to make him realise something and beg you to come back?
I think you should let this one go and for future reference try to articulate better what you are trying to achieve

@Iwonder08 I said I have to get on with my life but that I didn’t want this to happen and that I loved him. I said I wanted to be with him and move forwards. He was silent, said he loved me too. I said maybe you need to reflect. He agreed. I said goodbye.

Heard nothing since.

I dated several of the can't bloody commit to a cup of tea but you see them every day twats.

haha stopblowingyournose, great description. They want all the benefits of a relationship, and none of the responsibilities. Yuk.

You feel rejected but in fact, you rejected him.

I couldn’t carry on as it was

You couldn't stay with him as he was. You would not accept him treating you the way he did. And it's absolutely your prerogative; you've done things exactly right, even the row where you told him he was taking the piss. You're allowed to tell somebody that, if that's how you feel.

You've essentially been true to yourself, instead of trying to fit to his mould. He didn't live up to your expectations, during the relationship, or by pulling his finger out when you made your boundaries clear.

The fact that he hasn't been in touch is confirmation of what you already knew: He's not adult enough for you. He doesn't take his part of the responsibility for the relationship seriously enough for you. He doesn't meet your needs.

He said he felt the same and that he had regretted his work taking over his life and ruining relationships in the past.

But what he meant was "I regret my work will still take over & ruin my relationship with you".

You have every right to feel upset OP - grieve for what you thought you might have had with this guy - but then dry your eyes, because you have dodged a bullet.

You have done exactly the right thing: you set a boundary, he didn't like it or couldn't live up to it, so he withdrew. If you hadn't set that boundary, he'd still be future-faking & breadcrumbing you. He's not the man for you.
Well done

@ChargingBuck

He said he felt the same and that he had regretted his work taking over his life and ruining relationships in the past.

But what he meant was "I regret my work will still take over & ruin my relationship with you".

You have every right to feel upset OP - grieve for what you thought you might have had with this guy - but then dry your eyes, because you have dodged a bullet.

You have done exactly the right thing: you set a boundary, he didn't like it or couldn't live up to it, so he withdrew. If you hadn't set that boundary, he'd still be future-faking & breadcrumbing you. He's not the man for you.
Well done

Thanks @ChargingBuck I guess it hurts that he’s not been in touch. I thought it was the real deal with him and that once he had some time he would realise that all I was trying to do was build a life with him. It seems he has just cut me out and that’s that. It’s confusing as he told me many times that he was so happy with me and that he’d never met anyone an amazing as me whenever I let myself think about it I sort of double take… what on earth was our relationship that he could let it go just like that. It makes me feel a bit sick.