Not heard anything, would you consider it over?

[SadOied]

I thought I met the most wonderful person around a year and a bit ago. We’d said we were in love and to be honest I’d never felt love like it, he said the same. I’d been very happy except for the fact we are both almost 40 and I said from the start I wanted to find something serious, someone to build a life with. He said he felt the same and that he had regretted his work taking over his life and ruining relationships in the past. Towards the end of the relationship we were spending every night together pretty much.

But as time went on he didn’t seem to want to put us first. It seemed to make him stressed and gave the impression he was always compromising with the most basic things, like if I wanted him to be free to come to a wedding with me for a close friend, even with months of notice he would not want to commit to saying yes he would be there.

Anyway. I said I needed more and that he wasn’t prioritising us, he said he didn’t know how to change and that he loved me very much (lots of tears). I said it shouldn’t be this hard and I just wanted him to take part in a few things that mattered to me. I then said maybe you need to reflect on things and that in the meantime I have to get on with my life. He said ok and he loved me and maybe he did need to reflect as he felt things were getting on top of him. We said goodbye. Not heard from him. It’s painful. I knew this was the risk I was taking when I said what I said but guess I had hoped he would realise what we had mattered and would be in touch at least to talk.

Just feeling shit. Anyone experienced similar? It’s been two weeks so I assume he thinks it’s better without me :(

I don’t know why I’ve struggled with it the way I have. I think it’s the way it was all really great, I really believed we were in love, then I raise things and he just withdraws more and more to the point where he clearly didn’t care at all about us being together. I feel silly for having hoped he would do the things he said he wanted to do. Actions speak louder than words don’t they. That’s something I very much forgot.

But you knew something wasn’t right. You were in love but his actions weren’t matching his words. That’s why you stood up for yourself to say what you needed, you got upset because something wasn’t right

If this was real, he’d have said he’d come with you next time

What kind of person hates going to a wedding? Free food, booze & dancing, what a drag, right….

Imagine how you’d react if he said he was hurt you hadn’t visited his family, or something else. How different your reaction would be.

It stings to think it wasn’t real, but it sounds like he was giving you as much as he was capable. He enjoyed having you around, as long as you didn’t bother him with your pesky expectations of what you need/want out of life & love!

Feeling like a mug will fade with time. You will get through this & realise he wasn’t actually so great after all. It doesn’t feel that way now but you will xox

You say your forgot actions speak louder than words but did you forget?
You brought it up! So you didn’t forget. You knew & stood up for yourself

Please don’t blame yourself for not realising this straight away. A year is probably about the time when people can’t hide as much. You start to really see a person…

Your gut knew something wasn’t right or that he wasn’t there when you needed him.

So please don’t bear yourself up that you didn’t know, you spotted it & said what you need! Which was that you wanted to take him to a party basically.

He is the lame one, he is the one who doesn’t actually know what love is…He is the one who is all talk. He is the one who has lost someone who cared. He is the one who is deficient here not you

Well done on asserting your boundaries @SadOied, even though it has hurt you so much.

It sounds very much as though he loved the idea of being in a deep committed relationship, but just wasn't capable of following through. I don't think he was deliberately leading you on or future-faking - I think he genuinely wanted to do all that stuff, and was waiting for those deep feelings when he'd feel ready to really do it all... but those feelings never materialised.

He just wasn't capable of moving beyond the superficial, so no matter how much time you gave it, no matter how undemanding you were, no matter what you did - he would always want to feel deeply and have a deep relationship "at some stage" but it was just never going to happen.

As so many other people have said... it's not you; it's him.

@WhitePhantom

Well done on asserting your boundaries *@SadOied*, even though it has hurt you so much.

It sounds very much as though he loved the idea of being in a deep committed relationship, but just wasn't capable of following through. I don't think he was deliberately leading you on or future-faking - I think he genuinely wanted to do all that stuff, and was waiting for those deep feelings when he'd feel ready to really do it all... but those feelings never materialised.

He just wasn't capable of moving beyond the superficial, so no matter how much time you gave it, no matter how undemanding you were, no matter what you did - he would always want to feel deeply and have a deep relationship "at some stage" but it was just never going to happen.

As so many other people have said... it's not you; it's him.

@WhitePhantom thanks. He always said he loved me and that this was the best thing that had ever happened to him. But yes his actions weren’t matching his words at all. One time we went for a quick drink and I said it would be nice to go to snowdon one day and do the walk. He immediately said that sounded brilliant and he would love to do that. Then paused…and said he had no idea when he would be able to. This sort of thing always happened. It makes me sound like I’m massively into doing things all the time which I’m not…I just wanted to have the odd day, maybe every month ish where we had a trip out or did something good together. It’s not like we didn’t do anything but it was hard work trying to get him to engage. When we did things, he would say the entire time how much he was enjoying it. It made my head spin?! I think I also became attracted to the back and forth of getting him to engage and then him having a nice time and then withdrawing again. It was odd but I got really invested in it.

I’ve never had a relationship like this one really. I felt really worthless but in a low level way, like he wasn’t actively horrible to me but I never felt like I mattered hugely to him.

I think I also became attracted to the back and forth of getting him to engage and then him having a nice time and then withdrawing again. It was odd but I got really invested in it.

Operant Conditioning at play here OP - www.verywellmind.com/operant-conditioning-a2-2794863.

When you use a vending machine, you know you are going to insert coins & get the item you chose. It's rewarding - but it's not exciting.

When you play a jackpot, you know you are going to insert coins & ... maybe lose the lot, maybe get a payout. It's exciting. We get very focused on winning, losing, & near-misses ... "Aw! only 2 cherries! 3 would have won me £5!" ... which keeps us coming back for more.
We can spend more than we originally intended. Become obsessive ... reckless ...addicted.

When I give my dog a treat every single time for a specific behaviour request, he's ... interested in the treat, happy to have it, but sometimes, if there's a compelling distraction, he might refuse the treat in preference to going off to investigate the distraction.

When I raise the game, & give him treats randomly, or suddenly swap the treat for a higher-value one, he gives so much focus to the treat that I become more important than the distraction. He will be beside himself with excitement, hanging on to my every word & gesture, turning himself inside out to please me & extend the game.

devguis.com/51-variable-rewards-are-powerful-100-things-every-designer-needs-to-know-about-people-2nd-edition.html

My dog-training a benign example of how it works.
Your comment about how odd it was that you got so invested in the back-&-forth is a malign example of variable reward conditioning.

I'm not implying your Ex set out to malignly condition you! - but it's a very sad outcome of your mismatched expectations & attachment styles. I suspect it has a great deal to do with how hard a time you are having now in letting go.

I hope this is helpful or at least interesting OP - in that it's more evidence that this is not your fault.
& that he would have been different if only I had XYZ is absolutely untrue.

@ChargingBuck

I think I also became attracted to the back and forth of getting him to engage and then him having a nice time and then withdrawing again. It was odd but I got really invested in it.

Operant Conditioning at play here OP - www.verywellmind.com/operant-conditioning-a2-2794863.

When you use a vending machine, you know you are going to insert coins & get the item you chose. It's rewarding - but it's not exciting.

When you play a jackpot, you know you are going to insert coins & ... maybe lose the lot, maybe get a payout. It's exciting. We get very focused on winning, losing, & near-misses ... "Aw! only 2 cherries! 3 would have won me £5!" ... which keeps us coming back for more.
We can spend more than we originally intended. Become obsessive ... reckless ...addicted.

When I give my dog a treat every single time for a specific behaviour request, he's ... interested in the treat, happy to have it, but sometimes, if there's a compelling distraction, he might refuse the treat in preference to going off to investigate the distraction.

When I raise the game, & give him treats randomly, or suddenly swap the treat for a higher-value one, he gives so much focus to the treat that I become more important than the distraction. He will be beside himself with excitement, hanging on to my every word & gesture, turning himself inside out to please me & extend the game.

devguis.com/51-variable-rewards-are-powerful-100-things-every-designer-needs-to-know-about-people-2nd-edition.html

My dog-training a benign example of how it works.
Your comment about how odd it was that you got so invested in the back-&-forth is a malign example of variable reward conditioning.

I'm not implying your Ex set out to malignly condition you! - but it's a very sad outcome of your mismatched expectations & attachment styles. I suspect it has a great deal to do with how hard a time you are having now in letting go.

I hope this is helpful or at least interesting OP - in that it's more evidence that this is not your fault.
& that he would have been different if only I had XYZ is absolutely untrue.

@ChargingBuck thanks. I will look that up. It’s helpful to read that concept as well!! It makes me see it in a different way.

I think ultimately I wish I had left him to it a long time ago. I kept hoping, as he said, that in time he would actually do these things.

What hurts now is that I’ve heard nothing from him yet a month ago he was telling me how much he loved me and the relationship. It makes my head spin. In other relationships when things have ended it’s been for an obvious, clear reason. Still painful but not confusing like this.

I think ultimately I wish I had left him to it a long time ago.
Of course - but you can only act on what you know at the specific time.
Hindsight is informing this wish.
The glory of it is - none of us get a difficult thing right until we've made several mistakes in the attempt.
When you are ready to consider a future relationship, you'll 'vet' harder, impose boundaries sooner, have stronger expectations for what you will stick around for & what will make you exit.

In other relationships when things have ended it’s been for an obvious, clear reason.
But my dear virtual pal - there is an obvious, clear reason.
He is a commitment-phobe.

What hurts now is that I’ve heard nothing from him yet a month ago he was telling me how much he loved me and the relationship.
Sorry it still hurts, but you need to find a way to stop thinking like this.

Stop hoping to hear from him.
Stop looking for validation from him.
Stop expecting anything from him, wondering about his feelings, analysing his motives, blaming yourself for his inability to give you what you need.

It's over. You need to let it be over.
What are you doing to distract yourself?

If you are the poster I think you are, I think you have a big work project on? Immerse yourself! Get some validation & achievement from it!
And schedule some fun, for goodness sake. You've spent long enough just being round someone's house to eat dinner - get out & do something relaxing, or interesting, or stimulating, or daft.

You need to start living in the moment, & the ruminating is preventing that - so use that big, smart, analytical brain of yours, & manage yourself by dreaming up & then booking a schedule of events that you know will keep you focused in the 'now'.

You did the right thing @SadOied please don't doubt yourself.

Your needs weren't being met. He was saying one thing but acting in a different way.

He had a chance to put it right and didn't. Since you split he's had the chance to think about it and try to make things right. But he didn't. So, however much you love/d him, he wasn't the right person for you.

You said that you're happier when you're 'with' someone. If you'd stayed with him you would have wasted more of your time on someone who frustrated you and didn't make you happy. You've released yourself from that so you are free to meet someone who wants the same as you.

Hi @SadOied I was following this as was in very similar position. Did you hear from him again?