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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not heard anything, would you consider it over?

160 replies

SadOied · 25/10/2021 09:17

I thought I met the most wonderful person around a year and a bit ago. We’d said we were in love and to be honest I’d never felt love like it, he said the same. I’d been very happy except for the fact we are both almost 40 and I said from the start I wanted to find something serious, someone to build a life with. He said he felt the same and that he had regretted his work taking over his life and ruining relationships in the past. Towards the end of the relationship we were spending every night together pretty much.

But as time went on he didn’t seem to want to put us first. It seemed to make him stressed and gave the impression he was always compromising with the most basic things, like if I wanted him to be free to come to a wedding with me for a close friend, even with months of notice he would not want to commit to saying yes he would be there.

Anyway. I said I needed more and that he wasn’t prioritising us, he said he didn’t know how to change and that he loved me very much (lots of tears). I said it shouldn’t be this hard and I just wanted him to take part in a few things that mattered to me. I then said maybe you need to reflect on things and that in the meantime I have to get on with my life. He said ok and he loved me and maybe he did need to reflect as he felt things were getting on top of him. We said goodbye. Not heard from him. It’s painful. I knew this was the risk I was taking when I said what I said but guess I had hoped he would realise what we had mattered and would be in touch at least to talk.

Just feeling shit. Anyone experienced similar? It’s been two weeks so I assume he thinks it’s better without me :(

OP posts:
stopblowingyournose · 25/10/2021 11:40

@candycane222

I dated several of the can't bloody commit to a cup of tea but you see them every day twats.

haha stopblowingyournose, great description. They want all the benefits of a relationship, and none of the responsibilities. Yuk.

I think it's a specific behaviour trait. It's on the cocklodging spectrum I reckon.
ibelieveinmirrorballs · 25/10/2021 11:45

This thread is helpful for me today as I’m going through a similar “asserting my boundaries but then feeling rejected” situation.

Men like this will often tell women they’re the most amazing they’ve ever met etc. It gets them what they want. It hurts to think he probably says this to women regularly, but unfortunately that’s probably the case.

stopblowingyournose · 25/10/2021 11:45

Re the can't commit to a cup of tea twats - this came to a head with exp over a wedding in london of a close friend. I should have gone on my ducking own obvs!! It's not worth it when they do this.

stopblowingyournose · 25/10/2021 11:46

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

This thread is helpful for me today as I’m going through a similar “asserting my boundaries but then feeling rejected” situation.

Men like this will often tell women they’re the most amazing they’ve ever met etc. It gets them what they want. It hurts to think he probably says this to women regularly, but unfortunately that’s probably the case.

I think I'm starting a red flag thread you have got me thinking....
ChargingBuck · 25/10/2021 11:49

It’s confusing as he told me many times that he was so happy with me and that he’d never met anyone an amazing as me
It IS confusing ... until you allow the cruel but probably accurate thought in, that he possibly said this to most of the women he had relationships with.
And they were all short term too, no?
It's not you OP - it's him.

whenever I let myself think about it I sort of double take…
Cognitive dissonance.
His pretty words said one thing ... his actions didn't match.
It's a headfuck - & one you're well out of!

what on earth was our relationship that he could let it go just like that. It makes me feel a bit sick.
Because you are a decent & reasonable human being, not a future-faking arsehole who is prepared to misrepresent their intentions in order to secure the next short-term fling.

Original poster
SadOied · 25/10/2021 11:51

It’s just rubbish, we got on so well. I was so happy with him, very in love. But anything I wanted to do with him that involved him actually being part of my life with family or friends…just couldn’t do it. Too busy, too stressed, too tired, too late, too soon. List was endless. I felt so deflated as I wanted to go out into the world with him and have him be part of my life and he just wasn’t bothered.

I wish I hadn’t met him as the pain is bad. Everyday is a reminder of what I actually didn’t mean to him. I feel foolish.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 25/10/2021 11:57

You're not foolish! - you judged by your own honest standards, & weren't to know that his were ... less truthful.

stopblowingyournose · 25/10/2021 11:59

Op I bet if you contact him he will be all over you and reel you in even though he's made zero effort.

Original poster
SadOied · 25/10/2021 12:01

@ChargingBuck I don’t know all his relationship history other than work has always been in the way and his living situations have too (he moved around a lot in the past). I got the impression he had lots of situations rather than relationships. Made a joke once that his friends said he would never find anyone Hmm

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 25/10/2021 12:02

I thought it was the real deal with him and that once he had some time he would realise that all I was trying to do was build a life with him

There's a lesson here... You've been waiting for him to change. The right guy would be looking for and hoping for signs that you wanted to build a life with him. He won't need 'time to realise'

You're not foolish. The two of you are partly compatible (which is why you've got on so well) and partly incompatible. The problem is that that's like one link in a chain being broken: it doesn't matter how many good links there are. One broken link makes a broken chain.

It takes a little while sometimes to spot incompatibility, especially when lots of the links are working really well. Don't beat yourself up. You're not a fool; you're a human.

Original poster
SadOied · 25/10/2021 12:02

@stopblowingyournose I’m not sure he would to be honest. When I said what I said he was upset but he also seemed like it was what he wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadOied · 25/10/2021 12:04

@TheFoundations

I thought it was the real deal with him and that once he had some time he would realise that all I was trying to do was build a life with him

There's a lesson here... You've been waiting for him to change. The right guy would be looking for and hoping for signs that you wanted to build a life with him. He won't need 'time to realise'

You're not foolish. The two of you are partly compatible (which is why you've got on so well) and partly incompatible. The problem is that that's like one link in a chain being broken: it doesn't matter how many good links there are. One broken link makes a broken chain.

It takes a little while sometimes to spot incompatibility, especially when lots of the links are working really well. Don't beat yourself up. You're not a fool; you're a human.

Thanks @TheFoundations I just feel very hurt. And made a fool of. I did nothing but enter into it with a serious mindset for a relationship - we had a lot of fun but I was sincere in my view about wanting to settle down. He should have been honest and said while he wants to settle down he can’t do it. Not being able to do real things with me that matter like seeing my family or meeting my close friend…it was so selfish. He didn’t care that it mattered to me. He actually cared so little that he would rather I wasn’t in his life at all.
OP posts:
Chocaholic9 · 25/10/2021 12:08

You absolutely did the right thing, OP. Well done. You could have wasted several more years on this time waster.

JudgementalCactus · 25/10/2021 12:10

OP, if you hadn't had this talk with him now you would simply have been delaying the inevitable. He wasn't going to magically change.

Best to call it quits the moment you realise it's not working than waste years of your life in this frustrating semi-relationship. Only to have it implode a few years down the live with even more pent up frustration and anger.

Now you're free to go find someone who will be 100% in.

Lightswitch123 · 25/10/2021 12:15

[quote fedup078]@SadOied you should be very proud of yourself for handling this in a very mature and dignified manner
Now you need to do as you say and get on with your life . There will be someone who will prioritise you . [/quote]
Agreed. Well done OP

JudgementalCactus · 25/10/2021 12:15

How long has it been, @SadOied?

TheFoundations · 25/10/2021 12:16

He should have been honest and said while he wants to settle down he can’t do it

Yes he should. The fact that he didn't makes him a fool, not you.

Original poster
SadOied · 25/10/2021 12:17

@JudgementalCactus it’s been 3 weeks today.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadOied · 25/10/2021 12:18

@TheFoundations I’m just bitterly disappointed, sad and also lonely. I don’t want someone who treats me like that but these feelings are tough too. It’s just a rubbish time. I was 38 in august so feeling like I won’t ever settle down.

OP posts:
Time40 · 25/10/2021 12:18

I was so happy with him, very in love

Sorry, OP.

I agree with pps - you dealt with it really well, and you should be very proud of yourself.

If he comes crawling back in a few weeks or months, please don't get sucked back in, because it won't be any different.

stopblowingyournose · 25/10/2021 12:22

[quote SadOied]@TheFoundations I’m just bitterly disappointed, sad and also lonely. I don’t want someone who treats me like that but these feelings are tough too. It’s just a rubbish time. I was 38 in august so feeling like I won’t ever settle down.[/quote]
This man was blocking the potential long term relationship you seek though x

JudgementalCactus · 25/10/2021 12:23

[quote SadOied]@JudgementalCactus it’s been 3 weeks today.[/quote]
He might come crawling back after a few failed attempts at dating other women. These dudes usually have a way of popping back into your life when you least expect them.

Not to say you should take him back. Men in their 40s are very unlikely to change their ways.

secretbookcase · 25/10/2021 12:25

OP, years ago I read a book called The Road Less Travelled, which explains brilliantly the difference between being 'in love' and 'love'. It explains how 'in love' is all the heady excitement of finding connection with a new person, but 'love' is putting the bins out because they are watching their favourite programme, or having tea with their auntie Doris. Some people are terrified of the shift from in love to love and think it is a diminishing not a deepening of affection, as it becomes more every day. He sounds like one of those people, who hasn't learned the emotional maturity to make the shift. Until he realises this, he never will.

AlbertBridge · 25/10/2021 12:29

Apparently it takes 8 weeks for men in exactly this situation to process their feelings and realise what they've lost. I'd just wait 8 weeks. During those 8 weeks (of no contact at all), I'd do my own soul-searching and discover what I genuinely wanted from life.

I'd also read some dating books:

Getting To I Do (where the 8 week thing comes from)
The Rules
and Why Men Marry B.I.T.C.H.E.S

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