Not heard anything, would you consider it over?

[SadOied]

I thought I met the most wonderful person around a year and a bit ago. We’d said we were in love and to be honest I’d never felt love like it, he said the same. I’d been very happy except for the fact we are both almost 40 and I said from the start I wanted to find something serious, someone to build a life with. He said he felt the same and that he had regretted his work taking over his life and ruining relationships in the past. Towards the end of the relationship we were spending every night together pretty much.

But as time went on he didn’t seem to want to put us first. It seemed to make him stressed and gave the impression he was always compromising with the most basic things, like if I wanted him to be free to come to a wedding with me for a close friend, even with months of notice he would not want to commit to saying yes he would be there.

Anyway. I said I needed more and that he wasn’t prioritising us, he said he didn’t know how to change and that he loved me very much (lots of tears). I said it shouldn’t be this hard and I just wanted him to take part in a few things that mattered to me. I then said maybe you need to reflect on things and that in the meantime I have to get on with my life. He said ok and he loved me and maybe he did need to reflect as he felt things were getting on top of him. We said goodbye. Not heard from him. It’s painful. I knew this was the risk I was taking when I said what I said but guess I had hoped he would realise what we had mattered and would be in touch at least to talk.

Just feeling shit. Anyone experienced similar? It’s been two weeks so I assume he thinks it’s better without me :(

@Chocaholic9 are you seeing anyone new?

I sound like a broken record but I can’t believe he’s not been in touch. It must have meant so little to him. I’m as good as dead to him.

I’m as good as dead to him

Stop catastrophising. You can't have it both ways. If you're going to be upset that he won't talk to you about how he feels, you can't also be upset about specifics of how he's feeling. You don't know. Sometimes people feel shit about something but feel it's just better left, than pulling it all to pieces in a conversation. You don't feel like that but that doesn't mean that your way of thinking is right, and his is wrong. He's dealing with it in his own way, and you don't like it, and that's further proof that your relationship would not have made it through life's trials and tribulations.

It's not proof of anything else, and it certainly isn't proof of how you should view yourself. Focus on you, not on what he's feeling.

[quote SadOied]@Chocaholic9 are you seeing anyone new?

I sound like a broken record but I can’t believe he’s not been in touch. It must have meant so little to him. I’m as good as dead to him.[/quote]
I understand the broken record thing. I turned it over for months in my mind because it didn't make sense. I kept thinking, how could he have dropped me like that? Why did he do it? What did I really mean to him?

It affected my sense of worthiness and self-esteem for months. I felt like I must be trash because he threw me away like trash. I actually ended up going on anti-depressants because I was devastated.

In the end I realised it didn't make sense, and I would not be able to make sense of it. Because he did a thing that didn't make sense and it didn't mean anything about me.

I'm not seeing anyone now. I decided to concentrate on my career goals over the last year instead as I'm about a buy a house.

The break up was a catalyst for a lot of really good life changes for me. Going on medication was a good decision. At some point I got angry about what he did and decided I was going to overcome this. My health improved, as I undertook a new training and diet program. I started an enjoyable new hobby and met a bunch of new friends. I set some long term financial goals and worked towards them like mad. I'm happy with how far I've come in one year.

I'm late thirties and identified with what you said about craving a relationship.

I know it sounds trite but let yourself grieve. The pain will lessen over time. If he doesn't end up getting back in contact, try not to make sense of what he has chosen. It will continue to be perplexing. Looking back when I think about what happened, I still think WTF.

The thing is, there’s nothing to “talk through”. You’ve been very clear with what you want and need from him. All the talking in the world isn’t going to make him be able to give it to you. And he’s proven that talk is cheap. He says he loves you very much yet he won’t even commit to giving up some of his free time to make plans with you. You’ve done the right thing 💖

[quote SadOied]@Chocaholic9 are you seeing anyone new?

I sound like a broken record but I can’t believe he’s not been in touch. It must have meant so little to him. I’m as good as dead to him.[/quote]
@SadOied

Op, are you worried about 'running out of time'? Would you have accepted this sort of behaviour in your 20s where options to settle down appeared to be endless??

OP - I was more or less you several months back. Finally decided to assert the boundaries and asked for promises to be fulfilled there and then, not in some constantly redefined future. His great love dissipated very quickly, he disappeared and moved on quickly to the next person.
It’s really not you - it’s him. And I’d bet that his avoidant pattern in relationships won’t change.
It’ll hurt and you’ll feel foolish and deceived but in a few months you’ll realise that he wasn’t the right person for you and you’ve given yourself another chance for a happy, fulfilling relationship x.

People say that you shouldnt say you wasted time with someone, but I don't believe that. I think the signs are there if you trained yourself to see them and if you see, then ignore them, you are indeed wasting your own time because they're not going to be the person you want them to be, words are cheap.

I definitely ignored the signs in my similiar relationship, but the times when we had lovely meals together etc blindsided me into thinking we had a lovely, cosy relationship of just us two - when really I should have been thinking, people have to eat. And if eating together is really the only thing that binds you (that and a physical relationship) that's not really enough to sustain you in the real world, where you exist to other people.

So yes, being unhappy with someone and expecting them to change who they fundamentally are with you is where the clock of wasted time starts ticking.

You did the right thing. You saw the future was going to be no different. He probably absolutely does have love for you - but not the love that you want and you've made that clear you're not settling. His reaction you did the right thing. Without you stoking the fire to keep this relationship going - it will stop. And it has. Proper healthy relationships have two people taking turns with the fire or stoking it at the same time, never forget that.

It's not you. It's him.

I wasted a lot of time on a guy like this. Hadn't heard a peep since June and on Friday night he messaged, 'how're you doing?'.
I just asked if there was a reason he was getting in touch? He said he wanted to know how I (and family who he'd never bothered his arse to meet) were/had my relative sold her house etc.
I told him the appropriate time to be in touch was almost 6 months ago then blocked him!
It was a good feeling!

PS you deserve much more than what he gave you, I hope you know that OP x

@happylittletree

It's not you. It's him.

It's not really useful, this line of thinking. OP's situation is something she can learn to avoid in the future, but if you just point the finger, it takes responsibility for her happiness away from her.

He's different from her, and many of us agree that he's not done a very good thing here, but there are no rules, and it's up to him how he behaves. He's not 'wrong'. He's just not right for that relationship.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

This thread is helpful for me today as I’m going through a similar “asserting my boundaries but then feeling rejected” situation.

Men like this will often tell women they’re the most amazing they’ve ever met etc. It gets them what they want. It hurts to think he probably says this to women regularly, but unfortunately that’s probably the case.

Yes I've had this before. "You are the most beautiful, clever, kind, fun etc etc woman ever"

But then they aren't interested in having a relationship with you.

Not emotionally available.

Honestly you did the very best thing ever for your future self - he wouldn't/couldn't give you want you need.
There will be guys out there who are looking for what you are, but I get it sucks and right now it hurts, but that will fade.

@ChangeMustCome the nerve!! It’s so hurtful isn’t it. Have you dated since?

@lovingnewme yes I had all that too and specifically was told that I was different as he’d never had anything last very long before. That made me think oh he just hadn’t met the right person.

Im mostly frustrated that I’ve got to put myself out there again if I want something with someone. I don’t want to have to do that. Im tired of it. I hope at some point I accept the loneliness and give up the search. It’s become too heavy a task. I wish I could genuinely be happy with the idea of never finding someone right for me but the honest truth is that it tears me up. I never envisaged a life like this, it’s so lonely. And don’t get me wrong I have friends a job and interests. Im just very alone, no true companion.

[quote SadOied]@ChangeMustCome the nerve!! It’s so hurtful isn’t it. Have you dated since?

@lovingnewme yes I had all that too and specifically was told that I was different as he’d never had anything last very long before. That made me think oh he just hadn’t met the right person.

Im mostly frustrated that I’ve got to put myself out there again if I want something with someone. I don’t want to have to do that. Im tired of it. I hope at some point I accept the loneliness and give up the search. It’s become too heavy a task. I wish I could genuinely be happy with the idea of never finding someone right for me but the honest truth is that it tears me up. I never envisaged a life like this, it’s so lonely. And don’t get me wrong I have friends a job and interests. Im just very alone, no true companion.[/quote]
I completely sympathise, and I feel exactly the same at the moment.
But before I met them I was happy & optimistic about the future (Covid hasn't helped!) so it's just your broken heart talking.
You will recover and bounce back.

[quote SadOied]@ChangeMustCome the nerve!! It’s so hurtful isn’t it. Have you dated since?

@lovingnewme yes I had all that too and specifically was told that I was different as he’d never had anything last very long before. That made me think oh he just hadn’t met the right person.

Im mostly frustrated that I’ve got to put myself out there again if I want something with someone. I don’t want to have to do that. Im tired of it. I hope at some point I accept the loneliness and give up the search. It’s become too heavy a task. I wish I could genuinely be happy with the idea of never finding someone right for me but the honest truth is that it tears me up. I never envisaged a life like this, it’s so lonely. And don’t get me wrong I have friends a job and interests. Im just very alone, no true companion.[/quote]
Op, you need to reframe 'loneliness'. Why do you believe it will cure your loneliness?

[quote SadOied]@ChangeMustCome the nerve!! It’s so hurtful isn’t it. Have you dated since?

@lovingnewme yes I had all that too and specifically was told that I was different as he’d never had anything last very long before. That made me think oh he just hadn’t met the right person.

Im mostly frustrated that I’ve got to put myself out there again if I want something with someone. I don’t want to have to do that. Im tired of it. I hope at some point I accept the loneliness and give up the search. It’s become too heavy a task. I wish I could genuinely be happy with the idea of never finding someone right for me but the honest truth is that it tears me up. I never envisaged a life like this, it’s so lonely. And don’t get me wrong I have friends a job and interests. Im just very alone, no true companion.[/quote]
Completely relate to this post. I was done when I started chatting to dp. Over it couldn't be arsed with dating. My best friend at work made me organise a date purely because the job he had required an enhanced dbs check and therefore he probably wasn't a loon.

@Sad0ied yeah, I have actually been seeing someone. I met him on Tinder in Sept. He's nice, low maintenance, no second guessing/nonsense but (there's always a but) he doesn't live very local.
I just thought f*ck it, I'm not getting any younger. I'm 46 but fortunately I've had my kids and youngest is a teen/High School.
We both drive and it means he has to make an effort to see me and vice versa so it will be pretty obvious if one of us no longer feeling it. We have been taking it turns about once a week/fortnight. Hopefully it will continue to work for us but maybe it'll fizzle out. If it doesn't work,l out, I reckon I'll throw in the towel!

He's calling your bluff.

I think you'll hear from him again.

But let him come to you. He's the one who has the answer/s as to whether he can prioritise and make you happy.

@SadOied

Thank you so much! I feel so much brighter reading these messages. I woke up feeling horrendous.

Thank you

I can’t say I was 100% dignified as I did have a blazing row with him about two weeks before it ended where I said he was taking the piss and not acting like an adult. And lots more… not my finest moment!!

But that honesty about your deep held feelings was your finest moment.

I wouldn't be too sure that you've heard the last of him. He's probably gone away to lick his wounds, and may just reflect on what he stands to lose.

Don't whatever you do apologise for what you've said, own your feelings and don't compromise. He probably has never been involved with a strong woman who isn't prepared to compromise and wants to be an equal.

I hope things work out they way you'd want them, but if not, it's a painful but valuable experience for you to build on.

[quote ChangeMustCome]@Sad0ied yeah, I have actually been seeing someone. I met him on Tinder in Sept. He's nice, low maintenance, no second guessing/nonsense but (there's always a but) he doesn't live very local.
I just thought f*ck it, I'm not getting any younger. I'm 46 but fortunately I've had my kids and youngest is a teen/High School.
We both drive and it means he has to make an effort to see me and vice versa so it will be pretty obvious if one of us no longer feeling it. We have been taking it turns about once a week/fortnight. Hopefully it will continue to work for us but maybe it'll fizzle out. If it doesn't work,l out, I reckon I'll throw in the towel![/quote]
I took a chance on my LDR and it paid off. We've been together 15 years, we lived 120 miles apart, but that never put either of us off.

If it's the right relationship, you'll get over any temporary practical hurdles.

He's got issues

You handled this so well though - you set your boundaries and didn't settle

This - 100%. Reading this, I am full of admiration for you and your handling of this. You wanted more. You told him that. You walked away when you didn’t get it. That’s what everyone wishes they could do; why there are so many sad posts on here from people who’ve spent years being messed around by wasters. You have your head screwed on. It hurts - absolutely. But you should feel bloody proud of yourself. Dust yourself down, pat yourself on the back and get back out there - there will be someone better who will want what you want too.

@WimpoleHat

You handled this so well though - you set your boundaries and didn't settle

This - 100%. Reading this, I am full of admiration for you and your handling of this. You wanted more. You told him that. You walked away when you didn’t get it. That’s what everyone wishes they could do; why there are so many sad posts on here from people who’ve spent years being messed around by wasters. You have your head screwed on. It hurts - absolutely. But you should feel bloody proud of yourself. Dust yourself down, pat yourself on the back and get back out there - there will be someone better who will want what you want too.

@WimpoleHat i was a bit dramatic in the process though. Got a bit upset and angry about the lack of commitment to things. It felt like a rinse repeat of dinner, walk, bed. All of which I enjoyed very much but also wanted us to have proper layers to our life together that were shared.

@daisychain01 I can’t see him contacting me at all really. He seemed relieved when I ended it. Like it was a burden lifted. Who would come back after feeling like that?! :(

@SadOied

In the kindest way;At nearly forty you're too old too be messed around by a man of the same age who's behaving like a 21 year old who doesn't want to commit and leave his options open.

Let him go play his mind games elsewhere with someone else.He likes to play hard to get,makes you beg for his attendance in your life and leaves you dangling.Sod that and sod him.

I hope you meet someone else that you'll have a genuine connection with who'll freely give you his time