Not heard anything, would you consider it over?

[SadOied]

I thought I met the most wonderful person around a year and a bit ago. We’d said we were in love and to be honest I’d never felt love like it, he said the same. I’d been very happy except for the fact we are both almost 40 and I said from the start I wanted to find something serious, someone to build a life with. He said he felt the same and that he had regretted his work taking over his life and ruining relationships in the past. Towards the end of the relationship we were spending every night together pretty much.

But as time went on he didn’t seem to want to put us first. It seemed to make him stressed and gave the impression he was always compromising with the most basic things, like if I wanted him to be free to come to a wedding with me for a close friend, even with months of notice he would not want to commit to saying yes he would be there.

Anyway. I said I needed more and that he wasn’t prioritising us, he said he didn’t know how to change and that he loved me very much (lots of tears). I said it shouldn’t be this hard and I just wanted him to take part in a few things that mattered to me. I then said maybe you need to reflect on things and that in the meantime I have to get on with my life. He said ok and he loved me and maybe he did need to reflect as he felt things were getting on top of him. We said goodbye. Not heard from him. It’s painful. I knew this was the risk I was taking when I said what I said but guess I had hoped he would realise what we had mattered and would be in touch at least to talk.

Just feeling shit. Anyone experienced similar? It’s been two weeks so I assume he thinks it’s better without me :(

[quote thenewduchessofhastings]@SadOied

In the kindest way;At nearly forty you're too old too be messed around by a man of the same age who's behaving like a 21 year old who doesn't want to commit and leave his options open.

Let him go play his mind games elsewhere with someone else.He likes to play hard to get,makes you beg for his attendance in your life and leaves you dangling.Sod that and sod him.

I hope you meet someone else that you'll have a genuine connection with who'll freely give you his time [/quote]
@thenewduchessofhastings the thing is I don’t think he was playing games or intentionally trying to get something out of the relationship while not committing. I think he was just so set in his ways that he didn’t know how to be a little less selfish. Something that bothered me early on was him saying that he felt he was comprising a lot by spending nearly all his free time outside of work with me. I remember thinking that was a really strange thing to say and that it surely wasn’t a compromise to do that, that’s just what a relationship is. A compromise would be agreeing to see my family one evening rather than watching a rugby game (for example) one night. I remember thinking it was strange and it did hurt me. I saw us as a team and a partnership building something - he clearly saw me as something he could happily live without. It hurts and being this age makes it feel worse.

I think you need to really take this experience as a learning curve for you. You mentioned that at the beginning of the relationship he said he thought he was compromising spending all his time with you. Your body reacted to that immediately by feeling hurt. The red flags were there right from the beginning. We need to learn to pick up on these red flags and feelings, as you can see, this was his narrative right through the relationship and unfortunately you hoped you could change him.

i was a bit dramatic in the process though. Got a bit upset and angry about the lack of commitment to things.

So what, though? I don’t think that takes anything away from the fact that you set firm boundaries and stuck to them. If anything, you can walk away sure that you gave him every chance to understand where you were coming from. I maintain that you should feel very proud of yourself.

@stopblowingyournose

You handled this so well though - you set your boundaries and didn't settle. I know it feels shit but you haven't lost anything he was a as pp have said a future faker.

The not committing to one off events god it drives me fucking nuts when they do this and it's a manipulation technique. Reminds me to appreciate dp because he makes spreadsheets for us of plans we have.

I dated several of the can't bloody commit to a cup of tea but you see them every day twats.

This- you dodged a bullet, be proud!

You're probably one of those people who meets the love of their life at 40-odd, having had a few good and not so good relationships beforehand. Is it really so tragic?

This is a very good point. We all live way into our eighties these days. You could meet someone and still have forty or fifty years with them.You don't want to peak too soon . It's not uncommon now for women to have their first child well into their forties.

You told him he wasn't enough for you, you dumped him and said that you needed to get on with your life. He cried and told you he loved you, and you replied that he needs to reflect on things, and said goodbye to him. And now you're upset because you haven't heard from him?

Fair enough to end it if you're not happy with the relationship, but don't be upset that someone isn't malleable to your requirements, or that they don't come crawling back after you've knifed them through the heart.

Something that bothered me early on was him saying that he felt he was comprising a lot by spending nearly all his free time outside of work with me. I remember thinking that was a really strange thing to say and that it surely wasn’t a compromise to do that, that’s just what a relationship is

What would you do in the future, if you met somebody new and they gave you this kind of vibe?

Something that bothered me early on was him saying that he felt he was compromising a lot by spending nearly all his free time outside of work with me. I remember thinking that was a really strange thing to say and that it surely wasn’t a compromise to do that, that’s just what a relationship is

Sorry, but I'd have taken the fucking hint.

I would have thought, 'so you'd rather be elsewhere and I can be grateful that you deign to spend your free time with me. Oh, thank you sir.'

If a bloke tried to keep my on my toes, so to speak my response would be, 'too hard.' Thank you, next as the song goes.

@TheFoundations

Something that bothered me early on was him saying that he felt he was comprising a lot by spending nearly all his free time outside of work with me. I remember thinking that was a really strange thing to say and that it surely wasn’t a compromise to do that, that’s just what a relationship is

What would you do in the future, if you met somebody new and they gave you this kind of vibe?

@TheFoundations I think I would back right off and leave them to it. At the time I did address it and he sort of back tracked but it was evident that was his feeling on it, just the way he’d said it. I think he just didn’t like any dent or change to his life at all. It was ok if I was fitting in but he was only prepared to fit into my life in a really minimal way.

@ToffeeNotCoffee

Something that bothered me early on was him saying that he felt he was compromising a lot by spending nearly all his free time outside of work with me. I remember thinking that was a really strange thing to say and that it surely wasn’t a compromise to do that, that’s just what a relationship is

Sorry, but I'd have taken the fucking hint.

I would have thought, 'so you'd rather be elsewhere and I can be grateful that you deign to spend your free time with me. Oh, thank you sir.'

If a bloke tried to keep my on my toes, so to speak my response would be, 'too hard.' Thank you, next as the song goes.

@ToffeeNotCoffee it didn’t feel like he was trying to keep me on my toes. That was what was weird about it really. He just had a total wave of indifference. Which was completely inconsistent with what he actually said. Urgh I wish I could be ok with being alone. I love sharing my life with someone.

Hopefully you will find someone who really wants the same from you, too. Not Mr. take it or leave it.

Sounds like you've spotted the red flag that should have turned you off him. That's a good thing. Honest!

The feeling that you had when he said that is the feeling you need to look out for in the future. It doesn't have to be about the same thing. It's your own, personal 'red flag' feeling. It's your own area of sensitivity, where you know you have a boundary, and you're aware of it, but somehow, even though you can feel the other person crossing it, you let it slip. This is why it hurts so much; because it's always a sensitive area. We all have them, and it's the thing we most want a person to fulfill where we'll 'accept all comers', as it were. Anyone who looks like they might even slightly have the capacity to fill that hole in us, we'll take 'em, because we really don't like having that hole. And then when it turns out they can only 5% fill it, we get left with the feeling that you've had with him: this is all very nice, but there's a dragging sensation that I'm not getting what I need, and it seems to be getting worse. It's like thirst. It's OK to begin with, but the longer it goes on, the worse it gets until you can't think of anything else.

Think about why that's the hole you want filling: what is it you feel you're missing if you go to things on your own, or if you have to say to someone 'No plus one for me, thanks'

And think about how your red flag feeling felt: that 'Huh? That sounds like it contradicts the feeling I was getting from you..?' feeling. That's what you need to look out for and respond to in the future. If you can do that, if you can say 'I will put my emotional responses first from now on, above ideals of what I hope to be true', then you can at least comfort yourself that this will never, ever happen to you again, and that the endurance task of getting over this relationship will be the last task of this sort you will ever need to do. Imagine how much less you would have hurt if you'd left him at that point, rather than continuing to emotionally invest. That's as much hurt as you'll ever have, once you're through this.

You weren’t sharing your life with him though. Don’t confuse your need with reciprocity because it wasn’t there.

Sharing your life with someone is immersing yourselves in each other’s worlds, supporting each other in careers, family, friends, illness, good times and bad etc.
It also means respect and love and work.

Sounds to me as though he isn’t interested in doing that and in over a year’s relationship in his early forties that seems likely to remain unchanged.

You need to stop seeing what you’ve lost and see it as what you’ve gained which is another chance to try for the life you want. Learn from this and move on. He won’t give you what you want because he doesn’t want the same thing. Put your goals before what someone made you feel about them on the basis of what they told you which was ultimately a long drawn out sugar coated lie.

Being alone is always better for you than being with the wrong person.

It sounds trite but it is true. Value yourself and your time, your affection, your life more than this because he doesn’t.

Thanks @TheFoundations I wish I had been more receptive to how I felt. He said something else in summer along the lines of ‘I’m just warning you I can’t commit to too much over the next few months because of work.’ He then followed up by saying he of course wanted this with me and this was the best thing that had happened to him etc etc and that he was in a busy phase of his life and come august things would free up. It got to august and nothing was different, in fact I think a new thing came up with work where he suddenly felt that needed focus. The strange thing is I work that in industry too and know that plenty of people doing exactly what he does have very fulfilling personal lives. He just didn’t want to be that close with me, I constantly felt at arms length all the time. I do wonder why I let it carry on, I think I was quite overwhelmed (in a good way) that I had found someone who was into similar things to me, I like reading and talking about things and not going out constantly. They probably sound like things most men would like too but I’ve not found it to be the case. So he became pretty special to me because of that. I always felt like I was battling for him to open up or be a team with me though. The fact he’s not been in touch says it all to me. It hurts but I think I knew deep down a long time ago that he could easily take or leave it, no matter how much he said he loved me. I could sense it but didn’t trust my feelings/hoped it would all evolve in the right direction.

@DebbieHarrysCheekbones yes I have gone back and forth over whether I have been too demanding (or bossy, as he called me). I would have been happy with just a couple of things in the diary and a commitment to see my family once every 2 or 3 months. It was like he just saw me as this separate entity that he sometimes engaged with. No obligation or interest in anything else. His online profile was SO different to how he actually was in reality.

whether I have been too demanding (or bossy, as he called me

Very useful to me in counselling was in having pointed out that there are no rules about how demanding/sensitive/highly strung/available/anything at all we are meant to be. As long as we're not breaking any laws, anything really does go. So, if somebody makes you feel too 'xyz', what they are stating is their preference, rather than a fault in you. 'You are too bossy' means 'You are too bossy for me.' 'You are too sensitive' means 'You are too sensitive for me.'

You get to make the rules and boundaries about how demanding you are. I wouldn't challenge them unless you find that lots of people who you love and trust are raising them as an issue. Does anybody else find you too demanding/bossy?

OP,

So much great advice, particularly reflecting on really hearing what he was saying and believing his actions when he made it clear that he wanted his life unchanged.

A poster@ChangeMustCome told how she got a text last week and handled it perfectly.

Be VERY wary of this.

Some years ago an old friend of mine met this guy, he was early 40's living in a large old house with his mother, only son.

He was a pianist and taught in a very prestigious academy.

He strung her along until eventually the penny dropped and she walked away, after nearly 3 years. She was just heartbroken.

Anyway suddenly 6 months later he was back, missed her terribly, wanted to talk about the future, blah fxcking blah and back she went for a further two years of the run a round🙄.

This woman is a noted person in a very highly thought of field, advising Governments in her late 30's but was given the utter run a round by this twit, who never had a notion of settling down.
"Vile Richard" in Bridget Jones comes to mind.

She gave him 6 bloody years.🙄

She is married happily now 10 years having met a guy who adores her in her 40's.

She bitterly regrets him.

She ran into him at a do some years ago, and he told her she was the one that got away🙄, still single living with his mother.

She finally, finally, REALLY got it.
He wanted a girlfriend, not a partner, and certainly not a wife.

It still pisses her off, years later.

Grieve this, sure.
But do not entertain him if he comes back to you.
You are not his priority and never will be.

You deserve so much better and your best chance of getting it is to move on, however painful it is right now.
You are in love with the idea of him, not who he actually is.

@TheFoundations I guess I can be bossy, I’m not sure. Nobody has said it other than my mum when I was a child, though she said all sorts of things about me!! I think what he was referring to was the fact that when he was reluctant to engage with plans, I would set out an idea, a suggestion, which obviously had then come from me and could be perceived as bossy I suppose. It’s not like I didn’t invite him to make suggestions - I would have loved it if he had.

@billy1966

OP,

So much great advice, particularly reflecting on really hearing what he was saying and believing his actions when he made it clear that he wanted his life unchanged.

A poster@ChangeMustCome told how she got a text last week and handled it perfectly.

Be VERY wary of this.

Some years ago an old friend of mine met this guy, he was early 40's living in a large old house with his mother, only son.

He was a pianist and taught in a very prestigious academy.

He strung her along until eventually the penny dropped and she walked away, after nearly 3 years. She was just heartbroken.

Anyway suddenly 6 months later he was back, missed her terribly, wanted to talk about the future, blah fxcking blah and back she went for a further two years of the run a round🙄.

This woman is a noted person in a very highly thought of field, advising Governments in her late 30's but was given the utter run a round by this twit, who never had a notion of settling down.
"Vile Richard" in Bridget Jones comes to mind.

She gave him 6 bloody years.🙄

She is married happily now 10 years having met a guy who adores her in her 40's.

She bitterly regrets him.

She ran into him at a do some years ago, and he told her she was the one that got away🙄, still single living with his mother.

She finally, finally, REALLY got it.
He wanted a girlfriend, not a partner, and certainly not a wife.

It still pisses her off, years later.

Grieve this, sure.
But do not entertain him if he comes back to you.
You are not his priority and never will be.

You deserve so much better and your best chance of getting it is to move on, however painful it is right now.
You are in love with the idea of him, not who he actually is.

@billy1966 I just don’t understand it. Why would he come back later to say that, why not actually recognise it at the time, especially after she had already come back once? I don’t get it. Surely moving forward with a life with her was preferable to living with his mother, even if he still saw his mother every day too.

I can’t see this man ever contacting me again to be honest. My telling him I couldn’t carry on like this seemed to be met with relief. Like that’s what he wanted.

@SadOied he very clearly has commitment issues. That’s why people are saying be wary of him getting in touch - because he may not be able to commit to not having you either.

Do you know much about commitment phobia? Worth reading a bit about it. It doesn’t necessarily makes one a bad person, but you would do well to spot the signs from the beginning. And online dating is full of men with commitment issues.

The point is he never wanted more than a girlfriend.

He was very happy living with his mother who looked after him so well, he had his girlfriend and his needs being met.

He never wanted a family, to live with a woman.

He loved his life and had zero interest in moving forward and compromising.

He liked having a girlfriend.
He liked staying a couple of nights a week.
He liked having zero financial commitments.

But EVERYTHING had to be on his terms.

I have no doubt that they would still be together if she hadn't wanted to live with and get married to him.

He's now very late 50's, he was never a looker, so I would say he has zero appeal to anyone.
He had that crusty academia look, tweed jackets with patches and cords that aged him.
He was also tight, she called him careful🙄which pissed me off because she was such a generous person.

Can I just add, after someone said I dealt with my commitment phobe well recently - I had some rather intensive counselling during the summer which helped me deal with my terribly low standards where men were concerned!

As with most women who accept poor treatment from men, I had to dig deep. It was an emotional experience, exploring childhood and familial relationships and unpicking why I allowed such treatment. I had actually been single, mostly, for a long time before this guy and my adult life has been peppered with disappointing, short lived relationships with men.

I learned that I deserve better, I have value and I will be happier on my own than in a rubbish relationship - be that with a man or family. Worth every penny and the emotional investment although I'm not sure my parent and siblings would agree as I am no longer a doormat to them either!

Sometimes, in romantic relationships,
I've looked for a response that I don't really want in order to tell myself I'm valued - any old crumbs from the table of men who have little to offer which made me unhappy/angry/desperate to please.

What i really want from a relationship is steadiness, consistency, kindness and love and I will no longer settle for less even if it means settling for nothing!

@billy1966 it was you who said the nice words.
And sorry for the lack of paragraphs - on my phone!!

@billy1966

The point is he never wanted more than a girlfriend.

He was very happy living with his mother who looked after him so well, he had his girlfriend and his needs being met.

He never wanted a family, to live with a woman.

He loved his life and had zero interest in moving forward and compromising.

He liked having a girlfriend.
He liked staying a couple of nights a week.
He liked having zero financial commitments.

But EVERYTHING had to be on his terms.

I have no doubt that they would still be together if she hadn't wanted to live with and get married to him.

He's now very late 50's, he was never a looker, so I would say he has zero appeal to anyone.
He had that crusty academia look, tweed jackets with patches and cords that aged him.
He was also tight, she called him careful🙄which pissed me off because she was such a generous person.

@billy1966 thanks. The thing that makes me sad about this situation is that this man said he really really wanted to settle down. He would talk about it often, in an abstract way but about how important it was to him. How much it mattered. I found it odd as he clearly hadn’t prioritised it in the past but then I just thought he must really love me to have said all this with me and progrssed things with me in a way he hadn’t with anyone else before.

Sometimes, late at night like now, I sit here and feel like I just wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t enough for him in some way. Or maybe I was too much. Someone who says they want all that and talks about it with you, then cuts you off when you say you can’t carry on with the superficial level of investment… I can’t have meant that much to him in reality and it’s hard to work out why that is. What I did wrong. I really did and still do love the man. I do have moments where I feel angry at how confusing he has been but mostly I feel totally broken that I fell so in love and somehow made a mess of it. Only a few weeks back he was telling me how lucky he felt to have met me. It doesn’t make any sense to me.

@ChangeMustCome

Can I just add, after someone said I dealt with my commitment phobe well recently - I had some rather intensive counselling during the summer which helped me deal with my terribly low standards where men were concerned!

As with most women who accept poor treatment from men, I had to dig deep. It was an emotional experience, exploring childhood and familial relationships and unpicking why I allowed such treatment. I had actually been single, mostly, for a long time before this guy and my adult life has been peppered with disappointing, short lived relationships with men.

I learned that I deserve better, I have value and I will be happier on my own than in a rubbish relationship - be that with a man or family. Worth every penny and the emotional investment although I'm not sure my parent and siblings would agree as I am no longer a doormat to them either!

Sometimes, in romantic relationships,
I've looked for a response that I don't really want in order to tell myself I'm valued - any old crumbs from the table of men who have little to offer which made me unhappy/angry/desperate to please.

What i really want from a relationship is steadiness, consistency, kindness and love and I will no longer settle for less even if it means settling for nothing!

@ChangeMustCome reading that is like reading my mindset on men. I was desperate to please this man because I loved him. I too have a lot of emotional trauma from childhood that i am trying to unpick in therapy. I have a successful career and have friends but on the inside I am quite fragile. I’m not sure it appears that way on the surface.