Not heard anything, would you consider it over?

[SadOied]

I thought I met the most wonderful person around a year and a bit ago. We’d said we were in love and to be honest I’d never felt love like it, he said the same. I’d been very happy except for the fact we are both almost 40 and I said from the start I wanted to find something serious, someone to build a life with. He said he felt the same and that he had regretted his work taking over his life and ruining relationships in the past. Towards the end of the relationship we were spending every night together pretty much.

But as time went on he didn’t seem to want to put us first. It seemed to make him stressed and gave the impression he was always compromising with the most basic things, like if I wanted him to be free to come to a wedding with me for a close friend, even with months of notice he would not want to commit to saying yes he would be there.

Anyway. I said I needed more and that he wasn’t prioritising us, he said he didn’t know how to change and that he loved me very much (lots of tears). I said it shouldn’t be this hard and I just wanted him to take part in a few things that mattered to me. I then said maybe you need to reflect on things and that in the meantime I have to get on with my life. He said ok and he loved me and maybe he did need to reflect as he felt things were getting on top of him. We said goodbye. Not heard from him. It’s painful. I knew this was the risk I was taking when I said what I said but guess I had hoped he would realise what we had mattered and would be in touch at least to talk.

Just feeling shit. Anyone experienced similar? It’s been two weeks so I assume he thinks it’s better without me :(

@secretbookcase

OP, years ago I read a book called The Road Less Travelled, which explains brilliantly the difference between being 'in love' and 'love'. It explains how 'in love' is all the heady excitement of finding connection with a new person, but 'love' is putting the bins out because they are watching their favourite programme, or having tea with their auntie Doris. Some people are terrified of the shift from in love to love and think it is a diminishing not a deepening of affection, as it becomes more every day. He sounds like one of those people, who hasn't learned the emotional maturity to make the shift. Until he realises this, he never will.

@secretbookcase I think that’s the thing..I showed him so much love. I supported him during various times, I was always mindful to think of him and what he needed. Basically I tried my best to give my all to the relationship in the most adult and mature way that I could. I expected him to do the same. I never thought the honeymoon phase would be there forever and was fully prepared for that because I loved who he was, to me that’s what a relationship is, you stay together and it is work but work you choose to do because you want to nurture and care for the relationship. I am far from perfect but he couldn’t even begin to talk about things to compromise and move forwards.

He often said he didn’t care when he settled down as 40 wasn’t old. Maybe the signs were there all along. I just feel now I need time to get over this. And I’m 38.

@AlbertBridge

Apparently it takes 8 weeks for men in exactly this situation to process their feelings and realise what they've lost. I'd just wait 8 weeks. During those 8 weeks (of no contact at all), I'd do my own soul-searching and discover what I genuinely wanted from life.

I'd also read some dating books:

Getting To I Do (where the 8 week thing comes from)
The Rules
and Why Men Marry B.I.T.C.H.E.S

Thanks @AlbertBridge I will look those up. To be honest I can’t imagine I will ever hear from him again. Surely he would have been in touch by now. Where is the evidence for 8 weeks, is it just a theory? We had such happy times, I think maybe I felt more for him than he did for me, and I just didn’t realise. I am doing all I can to move on and have got rid of anything in my house that reminds me of him or us.

@sosickofthisshit nope. I did post on the second one quite a lot though, the bloke seems like a carbon copy of my ex!

I've read the same book 'Getting to I Do' and remember the 8 week thing. I believe the woman who wrote it is a relationship counsellor who is in her 80s and it's what she's seen in her practice.

Where is the evidence for 8 weeks, is it just a theory?

Here you go OP - enough evidence to shake a stick at, & a useful tutorial in how to avoid the drama & upset of being sucked back in -
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Gird your loins!

Remember how good he is at mouthing the words, while being so useless at doing the actions ... whatever he might 'promise', you would be back at square one within weeks if you ever tried again.

Oh OP, I think you've done a great thing for yourself here even if it doesn't feel like it right now. I think the alternative would have been you settling for what he was willing to give and potentially wasting years waiting for him to be as committed as you.

As pp have mentioned, he may very well come out of the woodwork, probably with really shitty timing like when you're just feeling like you're getting over it. So maybe plan for that so that you aren't blindsided.

I was 38 when I met my version of your ex - and spent 4 years with him in a 'relationship' in which he had no time or inclination to be part of my family and my friendships and ergo - my life.4 YEARS. He loved me deeply - until he didn't.

At 43 I met my now DH - he's the exact opposite. He prioritises us. I never have to feel like I daren't ask him to come to something etc of course he will be there - he's my partner.

Those people who don't want to combine familys and friends feel that way for a very simple and specific reason. They don't see themselves having a life with you going forward so it's pointless meeting all these new people. That's it in the nutshell. That is the very sign that tells you what their intentions are.

They may love you with an absolute passion in the moment, but they can't visualise you as a life partner.

38 is young, I promise you. You have bags of time and opportunity to meet YOUR man, the man who is unquestioningly by your side and keen to be part of your whole life.

[quote SadOied]@TheFoundations I’m just bitterly disappointed, sad and also lonely. I don’t want someone who treats me like that but these feelings are tough too. It’s just a rubbish time. I was 38 in august so feeling like I won’t ever settle down.[/quote]
I went through similar at 42.

Use this as a (savage) lesson about getting your boundaries in order. The only mistake you've made was to stick around when you knew you wanted him to be different. Learn from that.

I know it feels awful, I remember it myself, I was wrecked. But you've got time, you've clearly got the capacity to have a loving relationship, and there's probably a guy out there right now getting a divorce who will need a year or two to get his own emotions and boundaries in order before meeting you, and being everything you've been looking for.

Don't over worry this. Don't catastrophise. It hurts like hell but it doesn't cement a miserable or single future for you. It will help you to learn how to have a healthy relationship. The best lessons are sometimes very painful. Just wait, now. Allow yourself your feelings. Give them time to dissipate. Be really really lovely to yourself. Do for yourself all the things you wish a partner would do for you. Make yourself feel special. Notice how different that method of recovery is from calling yourself a sad, disappointed fool, which is very basic self -disrespect.

Self-disrespect is what has landed you where you are. Work on it. It's enjoyable. Let yourself off the hook. Empathise with yourself. Give yourself a hug and focus on the positives of you. If you get into the habit of doing those things, you will start to enjoy your own company so much, that a guy is going to have to be AMAZING to get you to consider giving up your fabulous singledom. Count that as your goal, rather than 'I want to be in a relationship because I don't want to be lonely.'

@Gilda152

I was 38 when I met my version of your ex - and spent 4 years with him in a 'relationship' in which he had no time or inclination to be part of my family and my friendships and ergo - my life.4 YEARS. He loved me deeply - until he didn't.

At 43 I met my now DH - he's the exact opposite. He prioritises us. I never have to feel like I daren't ask him to come to something etc of course he will be there - he's my partner.

Those people who don't want to combine familys and friends feel that way for a very simple and specific reason. They don't see themselves having a life with you going forward so it's pointless meeting all these new people. That's it in the nutshell. That is the very sign that tells you what their intentions are.

They may love you with an absolute passion in the moment, but they can't visualise you as a life partner.

38 is young, I promise you. You have bags of time and opportunity to meet YOUR man, the man who is unquestioningly by your side and keen to be part of your whole life.

Thanks @Gilda152 that’s nice to hear that you went on to be happy after that. It’s the fact he was apparently so in love and apparently I was very amazing and special that I can’t get my head around. I didn’t want him at every event or every time I saw my friends or family. I just wanted him to be interested, to take part some of the time, to demonstrate that he wanted to make an effort to be in my life, to share my life. When I look back I just remember endless nights together where we would have a great time, maybe go to a restaurant or eat at home and it would be the best time. But actually driving to a wedding with me and booking a Friday off to be there for drinks with my friends…nope. Couldn’t do it, too busy, too short notice, too stressed with work etc. Same with my family, he was never actually that bothered. He just didn’t want to and I needed to accept that.

Somewhere I hoped he would wake up and think hang on, I love her, I do want this.

He hasn’t.

@SadOied

Were you hoping the relationship would progress on to having children? Marriage?

@TheFoundations thank you that is SO helpful to read! Thank you so much

[quote anthurium]@SadOied

Were you hoping the relationship would progress on to having children? Marriage?[/quote]
@anthurium we talked about everything yes. He did say that he was happy to be an older dad and that mid forties was usual these days for men

@SadOied That can be your story too. You were not free to meet anybody more suited to you whilst you were treading water with him (and him you) now you are. I know you don't believe it, I know it's too soon to think about anyone but him and I also know through bitter experience that never hearing from him potentially again stings like f* but also is the best thing that can happen, you ended it, he complied. Own that decision and it's consequences because you did the absolute right thing.

i am of the opinion that you should not measure your relationship by what others do . So relationships can work in different ways .

HOWEVER

they need to work for both of you . And this one obviously did not .

Ouch, I've been there and it's painful. But not painful forever and you'll be ok.

He doesn't want to meet your parents or go to events like weddings as that's too serious.

Commitment phobics can come in very deceptive packages.

He'd "never felt love like this before" but doesn't want to meet your family after a year & won't even commit to being your plus 1 at a wedding.

I wasted years on 2 people like this & now almost 40 & only just learnt my boundaries. It took me a long time to realise that talk is cheap & someone who wants to be involved in your life in a meaningful way will slot into it.

Without meeting your family or going to family events the relationship is not 100% real in my book, as culturally for me this is something that is normal - family event, partners are invited. Yours being absent makes you feel like shit.

Just wanted to say you sound like you've dealt with this so well! OK you had a blowup at him - you had feelings & they were hurt. You haven't let him get away with this for years, he got 1 & you set your boundaries well, drew a line in the sand.

I wish had dealt with it like you have OP

Ar

Screenshot the post made by @TheFoundations . That was written so beautifully and is so astoundingly accurate.

You are not a fool, you fell in love and he told you he felt the same, you trusted him and why wouldn’t you?
Some people like all the fun parts of a relationship, the eating out, trips to the movies, regular sex, but when it comes to putting any level of effort in,such as meeting your family or friends, or attending your friend’s weddings or birthdays then they start looking for excuses, as you say they are too busy, too stressed, not sure if they’re free that day, the list is endless.
It’s like a child with a cupcake, they lick the icing and sprinkles off the top but don’t actually want the cake.
Do what you said, get on with your life, spoil yourself, find happiness with your own company. You’re not a fool, he’s a dishonest coward who couldn’t find it within himself to be totally straight with you. You’re ability to set healthy boundaries has saved you a lot of heartache further down the track, better you didn’t waste any more years on this guy. You did the right thing

@SadOied

Were you hoping the relationship would progress on to having children? Marriage?

"we talked about everything yes. He did say that he was happy to be an older dad and that mid forties was usual these days for men hmm"

I'd advise you to get some fertility checks done at a fertility clinic - you don't know what your clinical picture is (and this would be a snapshot of what the situation is right now). Being informed gives you options.

Men tend to assume women's as well as their own fertility - age is an important factor as well as lifestyle/genetics/existing underlying medical conditions. Don't assume anything just because it conception/pregnancy happened easily to so and so aged 45...

Please don't let this man (or any other that may come along) waste your fertility time if you're set on wanting children.

Thanks. I think I just feel blindsided by the total disregard for the relationship. Like I say , it wasn’t a test and I knew this may well be the outcome. But as more time goes on I can’t really believe we had such amazing times together and that he said he wanted a future with me, only to let it all go because I became upset that the extent of our shared experiences was cooking a meal or going to a restaurant together. Instead of talking he clearly wanted to throw in the towel. I don’t think any 8 weeks will have him feel differently like a poster said above. I feel I’ve wasted time with him. I didn’t want to learn about someone new and invest in them at 38 if it was going nowhere. In fact I’m sure most people age 28 don’t want that either! Im exhausted by it all.

I totally get it OP. I get the devastation too.

I have been where you are, too, and it is perplexing. A year ago I moved to a new city for a man who told me I was his person and he wanted us to be together, after a lot of wonderful time spent together. When I arrived, he ghosted me. I never got an explanation.

All this means is that you unfortunately had some amazing times with a future faking, time wasting, commitment phobe. It doesn't mean anything about you.

One way in which my experience has changed me, is that my boundaries are better. I watch to see what a man does, not what he says. I would never move for a man again without some kind of commitment or an engagement.

Hard lessons to learn.

I think you were smarter than me anyway. You got out as soon as you realised what was going on.

I feel I’ve wasted time with him

Nix this. You had some nice times with him, and you've learned a bloody good lesson that you clearly needed to learn. If it weren't for this crappy thing happening, you might have ended up in a relationship with someone who nearly met your needs, and ended up staying with them forever because you hadn't had this lesson.

He will have helped you. Having people crap all over your boundaries makes you build boundaries that are higher than any future crap could be. And that's where you want them!

You're probably one of those people who meets the love of their life at 40-odd, having had a few good and not so good relationships beforehand. Is it really so tragic? Lots of people feel like fools for marrying who they did, but will always stay married. Lots of people are getting divorced right now, and feel like fools for staying this long. Lots of people are in their 40s, getting together and feeling like giddy teenagers.

You're not the first to be led down the garden path, and you won't be the last. In fact, it's probably happened to most of us in some way at some point!

Thanks @TheFoundations ! It does feel very lonely right now and like none of my friends have experienced similar.

@Chocaholic9 yes it’s perplexing! That is definitely the word I would use!! I just can’t get my head around it. Sorry that happened to you, I do think it boils down to huh emotional immaturity.

What I really would like is to not care. Truly not care about being alone. Unfortunately as much as I try to fake it and just carry on with life, I can’t deny that I deeply crave a relationship and companionship. I feel very sad I haven’t built that with someone.

@SadOied

Thanks *@TheFoundations* ! It does feel very lonely right now and like none of my friends have experienced similar.

@Chocaholic9 yes it’s perplexing! That is definitely the word I would use!! I just can’t get my head around it. Sorry that happened to you, I do think it boils down to huh emotional immaturity.

What I really would like is to not care. Truly not care about being alone. Unfortunately as much as I try to fake it and just carry on with life, I can’t deny that I deeply crave a relationship and companionship. I feel very sad I haven’t built that with someone.

It's taken me about 9 months to get over it.

I am glad it ended though, because now with hindsight I can see we were not well matched.

I think this time next year you will be in a much better place.