Not heard anything, would you consider it over?

[SadOied]

I thought I met the most wonderful person around a year and a bit ago. We’d said we were in love and to be honest I’d never felt love like it, he said the same. I’d been very happy except for the fact we are both almost 40 and I said from the start I wanted to find something serious, someone to build a life with. He said he felt the same and that he had regretted his work taking over his life and ruining relationships in the past. Towards the end of the relationship we were spending every night together pretty much.

But as time went on he didn’t seem to want to put us first. It seemed to make him stressed and gave the impression he was always compromising with the most basic things, like if I wanted him to be free to come to a wedding with me for a close friend, even with months of notice he would not want to commit to saying yes he would be there.

Anyway. I said I needed more and that he wasn’t prioritising us, he said he didn’t know how to change and that he loved me very much (lots of tears). I said it shouldn’t be this hard and I just wanted him to take part in a few things that mattered to me. I then said maybe you need to reflect on things and that in the meantime I have to get on with my life. He said ok and he loved me and maybe he did need to reflect as he felt things were getting on top of him. We said goodbye. Not heard from him. It’s painful. I knew this was the risk I was taking when I said what I said but guess I had hoped he would realise what we had mattered and would be in touch at least to talk.

Just feeling shit. Anyone experienced similar? It’s been two weeks so I assume he thinks it’s better without me :(

Yes! It's a penny dropping process that I wish I'd had in my 20s. Like you I'm someone people perceive as strong and successful and have great friends who I'd hate to see treated the way I've allowed myself to be treated!
I wish you all the best and hope you meet someone who treats you well but in the meantime, I hope you treat yourself well and with kindness! xx

Hugely insightful post from @ChangeMustCome who did the work on herself and has reaped the benefits of now realising she only wants someone on HER terms.

Invaluable.

OP, this guy said all the right things to my friends, all the right noises but it had to be at the right time etc. for HIM.

He made the noises but resisted any effort to move forward, there was ALWAYS an excuse.

Action not words, always.

He made the noises but resisted any effort to move forward, there was ALWAYS an excuse.

OP, he knew what to say when the relationship was on. He even knew how to react when you ended it.

It's practiced behaviour.

His remark about not being in a rush to get married as he believes there's plenty of time for that and not planning to do that for a few years yet is one of many red flags, for me.

He basically expected you to stay, on his terms.

The story of the person who was the partner of a bloke for a few years but future commitment never materialised because he didn't want it too is all to true.

@billy1966

Hugely insightful post from *@ChangeMustCome* who did the work on herself and has reaped the benefits of now realising she only wants someone on HER terms.

Invaluable.

OP, this guy said all the right things to my friends, all the right noises but it had to be at the right time etc. for HIM.

He made the noises but resisted any effort to move forward, there was ALWAYS an excuse.

Action not words, always.

@billy1966 i think as days go by I wonder if I pushed things too fast. Your friend was with this person for a few years wasn’t she. I feel like maybe given this man had a very intense job and not much free time, maybe it was too much to expect he would want to see family, go on weekends away etc so soon. I’m not sure. It makes my head spin that he would always say ‘of course he wants to do x, y and z, but wasn’t sure when.’ It left me feeling very confused and in the end irritated and resentful. Everything was very much in the future for him.

What makes me feel sick is that he was SO SO loving, telling me I was the best thing that had happened to him, he was so lucky, he couldn’t believe someone like me loved him. The list went on.

Why would someone say all these things, say they want to settle down, then do the opposite? I don’t get it. He wasn’t malicious. It did seem selfish though. I can’t understand why.

@ToffeeNotCoffee

He made the noises but resisted any effort to move forward, there was ALWAYS an excuse.

OP, he knew what to say when the relationship was on. He even knew how to react when you ended it.

It's practiced behaviour.

His remark about not being in a rush to get married as he believes there's plenty of time for that and not planning to do that for a few years yet is one of many red flags, for me.

He basically expected you to stay, on his terms.

The story of the person who was the partner of a bloke for a few years but future commitment never materialised because he didn't want it too is all to true.

@ToffeeNotCoffee why would he do that though? What’s the point? His profile even said he wanted all that. I believe that was true. Why would someone say these things and no act on them? Especially at 40?! It’s not like he was 30 and wanting to have a year abroad or something.

He said all those things to you because he enjoyed what you offered him, he just didn't want more.
A lot of people (but I would say mostly men based on my experience) who are single at his age are not single because they can't find someone, they are single because they don't want a lung term relationship. This could be for a million reasons.
Talk is cheap.
Look at his actions.
He knows what to SAY to keep you there, but he can't ACT to keep you as that would involve him changing his lifestyle rather than just chatting shit to you, and he doesn't want to adapt, so he's happy yo just let you go when you finally realise that he doesn't actually want more despite the all the bs he's been chatting to you.

Op he sounds very avoidant actually. This is who he is - it’s not YOU.
You aren’t compatible- that’s sad I’m sure but ok too.
Look up avoidant people - I’m avoidant - I had an abusive unavailable father and a mentally ill mother.
Look up SLAA - it’s sex and love addicts anonymous but they also have a SLAA anorexia programme - people who are socially sexually emotionally avoidant - can be a combination of any.
Well done for having boundaries and stating your needs.

Sad0Died

What @lovingnewme said.

I realise it makes no sense to you but that's what's happened. Sorry but I'm finding his whole vocabulary a bit juvenile i.e. best thing that happened....can't believe someone like you wants me.....I'm so lucky etc etc etc.

Personally, I'd find it a bit creepy from someone in their forties. Like they've never grown up and moved on. That's because they've never grown up and moved on.

He knows what to say to keep the relationship going. He even knows how to act when it ends. How creepy is that ?

Yes, of course that's what is on his dating profile. It's window dressing for the next sucker. Who after a period of time will realise he's pretty much all wind and water. Then back to the dating sites he goes.

I can’t have meant that much to him in reality and it’s hard to work out why that is. What I did wrong.

i think as days go by I wonder if I pushed things too fast.

OP - this is your poor self-esteem talking, tripping you up & making you twist yourself in knots in order to take all the responsibility.
I imagine you went through similar contortions as a child, trying desperately to hit the right - but impossible to find - note that would finally please your exacting & disapproving mother.

What makes you think that if you could have found the magic formula that prevented you from being somehow "wrong" for this man, he would have completly changed his character & suddenly become the man you wanted?
In short - why are you persisting in thinking that you should have been capable of changing him?
This is the oldest romantic mistake in the books - especially from women about men - "I'll change him!" "I know he's always been commitment-shy, but he'll be different with me!" "I know he's got a temper, but I won;t annoy him, so I'll be the girlfriend he doesn't hit!" "I know he drinks too much, but when I give him a baby, he'll stop going down the pub every night!"

It's bonkers.
It's also a trope heavily sold to women via books & entertainment media. That if you are The One, all the problems will go away.
Ergo ... if the problems don't go away, you must not have been The One for him, right?
Ergo ... rather than accept that the problems belong to the man, & we cannot change either him or his problems ... it must be OUR 'fault', & we need to just try harder! Stop being "wrong"! Don't push him too hard! Try much harder to be The One for him! Accept he never wants to go out, or meet our family! Subsume all our needs & wishes to the altar of I Will Change Him!
... & of course all that happens is you change yourself, into an unhappy creature obsessed with an unworthy man who is incapable of giving you what you want, but who you have now invested so much in, & lost so much of your confidence over, that you are incapable of leaving him.

TL:DR - it's not you, it's him.
Why are you blaming yourself for the fact that this man is a future-faking breadcrumber?
What makes you feel that taking it any slower would have been the magic formula that changed him from a commitmentphobe into Mr Right?
Why can you not accept that you got involved with a man who turned out not to be for you, & start looking forward now ... instead of this constant looking back, blaming yourself for his faults?

Please take these questions to therapy.
Until you unpick them, & your own relationship dynamic with yourself, you are going to continue to torture yourself with unhappy ruminations, & will not have the capacity to spot Mr Right - & more importantly - confidently reject Mr Wrong - in future.

@billy1966 Didn't Jude marry Vile Richard in the end and have kids?

[quote DuchessOfDisaster]@billy1966 Didn't Jude marry Vile Richard in the end and have kids?[/quote]
You could be right, I have no idea.

I just remember the excellent actor who played her....with the great career, crying in the loo over Vile Richard.
🤣
I so loved that first movie.
I nearly had an accident when she went down the firehouse pole.
I thought I would die laughing.

One thing I remember him saying was ‘we’ve had two weeks of things being shit.’ Ie two weeks of me having had enough and wanting him to explain why things were always ‘at some point.’ It makes me so sad that two weeks of that could mean he wanted throw it away. After all the other times we had shared together. He couldn’t be bothered to work through it. This is what hurts so much. He cut me out. Done. I honestly wish I had never met him or entertained his time at all.

OP, have you posted about this man before? Are you the poster who has recently packed a bag &, commendably, went to stay solo at her mother's beach house for a few days?

@ChargingBuck

OP, have you posted about this man before? Are you the poster who has recently packed a bag &, commendably, went to stay solo at her mother's beach house for a few days?

I know this all hurts but I’m going to tell you that you’ve saved yourself far more heartache and precious time.

I admire:

You had standards and when you weren’t getting what you needed you finally called him on it and you didn’t waiver.

You haven’t lowered yourself to beg and plead for an unworthy user man.

What you’re feeling is natural. The thing is you should be glad he hasn’t reached out to waste more of your time! You’ll see this in time I assure you.

I can’t speak for how he feels or what he will feel he missed… but I can say you’ve dodged a bullet that would have truly blown out your heart. Who wants to be sought after by a man like this? You’re too good for him.

He will most likely make contact again. They always do. Keep your dignity.

PS I am very proud of you because I WISH I would have had your boundaries and your backbone in the past. I had to learn it the very very hard way. ALSO, to anyone saying your demanding or this or that… you made yourself clear from the get go. It is not your job and it is beneath your station to let anyone manage down you expectations

Crap quoted the wrong thing

It sounds like he wasn't too busy outside of work to spend time with you. However plans with meeting other people, he would become avoidant. Have you considered he may have a problem with social anxiety and / or panic attacks. It's not always easy to spot, people can suffer from it while holding down successful careers etc. Just feel there's part of the story missing.

Don’t be surprised if you hear from him again at some point in the next few month, when he gets horny.

If he was a healthy person who loved you he’d have been in touch before now, even if he didn’t have a clear answer. I’d say something like every couple of days or so.

Although I wouldn’t judge someone if they took a week or so to think things through, and were no contact during that initial time before getting back to you definitively.

@Rainbow0821

It sounds like he wasn't too busy outside of work to spend time with you. However plans with meeting other people, he would become avoidant. Have you considered he may have a problem with social anxiety and / or panic attacks. It's not always easy to spot, people can suffer from it while holding down successful careers etc. Just feel there's part of the story missing.

I mean maybe? It is awesome to consider these things.. But they also wouldn’t lie about what they were about if they had anxiety, and if they did it wouldn’t matter that they had any issues. Because they knew they were taking her down the garden path.

OP was upfront.

Full on those with anxiety social or otherwise aren’t going to lie to you or lead you on. They are going to either confide in you or avoid you. I kinda take offense that anyone would think those who have social anxiety will straight up lie. That is not how any of this works. None of these things make you avoid talking to a partner about them unless you didn’t see them as a partner.

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter. He is unable to give OP what she wants. OP should not make excuses or manage down her very practical expectations.

He can get himself right if he is in need of it, or had problems. But OP should not shoulder that burden. Without buy in and commitment or anything? That is a fools game. Only a dummy would try to shoulder that when they have specific needs and wants.

OP don’t waste your time on broken men. Get yourself someone who is worthy of you. These broken men will be around forever.

It is wild how people try to get you to consider all these mental illnesses and sundry when all that matters is you reaching your goal and finding your happiness. Believe it. Men do.

You've done the right thing

OP I used to be like you, in that I’d put up with shitty treatment and being strung along by men because that seemed preferable to being dumped or doing the dumping. It almost felt like if I left the relationship it would confirm that I was not good enough to be loved, and unworthy of someone stepping up and making an effort for me. Sticking around in bad situations waiting for that validation (that never came) seemed like the better option. Of course, this is flawed thinking. I’ve spent over 2 years in therapy to work on this - like most cases, it was due to the relationship models I saw in childhood, and negative self-perception. I would highly recommend therapy if you’re not having it already.

The result of this self-work is that I now actually prefer being on my own to being in a relationship. I’ve realised that I have power in autonomy and self-reliance, and that if people in the past have decided not to commit to me/that they weren’t sure about me/didn’t like me enough to make things serious etc, that’s their prerogative and not a reflection on me. By trying desperately to push them into giving me more, all I was doing was hurting myself and pushing them further away. The best thing I could’ve done in all those situations was leave as soon as it became apparent our intentions weren’t aligned.

It really isn’t a reflection on you. It does sound like this guy hasn’t been altogether honest - maybe he likes the abstract idea of settling down and getting married but knows deep down he’ll probably never do it or never feel sure enough about someone to make that step. That’s entirely his issue - I doubt any woman out there will change him because it isn’t about them. I will say in his defence though that I wouldn’t want to spend “almost all my free time” outside of work with someone - I value time alone and time with friends, and I would feel under pressure if someone was asking me to make a firm commitment to see their family every 3 months. It sounds like a classic case of you having anxious attachment and going all in too quickly, and him being avoidant and pulling further away the more you did this. That doesn’t mean it’s anyone’s fault as such, just totally incompatible attachment styles. I’m sure he could benefit from therapy as much as you.

@TedMullins

OP I used to be like you, in that I’d put up with shitty treatment and being strung along by men because that seemed preferable to being dumped or doing the dumping. It almost felt like if I left the relationship it would confirm that I was not good enough to be loved, and unworthy of someone stepping up and making an effort for me. Sticking around in bad situations waiting for that validation (that never came) seemed like the better option. Of course, this is flawed thinking. I’ve spent over 2 years in therapy to work on this - like most cases, it was due to the relationship models I saw in childhood, and negative self-perception. I would highly recommend therapy if you’re not having it already.

The result of this self-work is that I now actually prefer being on my own to being in a relationship. I’ve realised that I have power in autonomy and self-reliance, and that if people in the past have decided not to commit to me/that they weren’t sure about me/didn’t like me enough to make things serious etc, that’s their prerogative and not a reflection on me. By trying desperately to push them into giving me more, all I was doing was hurting myself and pushing them further away. The best thing I could’ve done in all those situations was leave as soon as it became apparent our intentions weren’t aligned.

It really isn’t a reflection on you. It does sound like this guy hasn’t been altogether honest - maybe he likes the abstract idea of settling down and getting married but knows deep down he’ll probably never do it or never feel sure enough about someone to make that step. That’s entirely his issue - I doubt any woman out there will change him because it isn’t about them. I will say in his defence though that I wouldn’t want to spend “almost all my free time” outside of work with someone - I value time alone and time with friends, and I would feel under pressure if someone was asking me to make a firm commitment to see their family every 3 months. It sounds like a classic case of you having anxious attachment and going all in too quickly, and him being avoidant and pulling further away the more you did this. That doesn’t mean it’s anyone’s fault as such, just totally incompatible attachment styles. I’m sure he could benefit from therapy as much as you.

@TedMullins yeah I know what you mean. The main time we did things together was after work at home, ie dinner then bed. It got to the point where I felt without that at the very least there was no relationship so it became the standard. I even raised this with him directly and said let’s spend more time doing our own thing in the week/some weekends and alongside that have some plans together here and there so we have some quality time. He was never receptive to it, at most he could agree to a walk somewhere which I always enjoyed and we always had a great time. But I’m terms of seeing each other’s family or friends, it was like pulling teeth. This was something I thought would have been really nice for us both.

I never expected there to be a strict rule on ‘every 3 months we see family.’ I was just trying to explain that I wanted some sort of movement from him to take an interest in some way in my life. I didn’t have a rigid expectation of anything, I just wanted him to want to engage on some level with me.

One of the last weekends we had together he announced he was working all day Saturday on the Wednesday (he’d been asked to but he’d known a couple of weeks before he told me) and then said he needed to cancel our walk on the Sunday as he had decided he wanted to go and see his family (who are miles and miles away down south), so he had to leave at 5am and couldn’t do much on Saturday night either. All this is in principal ok - but with the background picture, it felt to me that he hadn’t bothered to tell me he was working Saturday until the 11th hour, had cancelled our walk for the Sunday and not considered to make an alternative plan like something on Saturday evening, and then, as was usual, didn’t want me to go with him to see family as they get overwhelmed what always made me feel shit was that his family live near the sea in a busy seaside town and he always knew I would have been more than happy to have gone with him and spent the day there myself, if it was impossible for me to go with him to see his family. But he didn’t even appear to want me to go with him.

If he had made any form of effort or shown me he considered us a priority, I would have been happy with spending time separately and would have enjoyed it. He always commented I had lots more friends than him and was far busier….I was happy to see them and take care of my own time, but it becomes very hard and confusing when the person you are in a relationship with seems to treat you far down the priority list while also voicing on a general level how much he values the idea of settling down.

I was awake early this morning and couldn’t sleep. I counted how many days out we had had since we met and it was 6. The rest of times together has been when I’ve stayed at his and he’s got back from work and we’ve put dinner on. I loved those times but it does make me wonder how he expected us to grow as a couple without ever properly getting to know each other in the real world and with each other’s friends and families or without ever taking holiday now and then as a couple. He wasn’t a sex pest either, he just seemed fine with dinner, bed, work. Even when I asked far in advance if he would join me to do something.

OP it’s telling he didn’t just invite you to come down to see his family

If the relationship was really real, he would’ve just asked you to join him on the road trip

That it took just 2 weeks of a rough patch to make him reconsider things proves how in the present moment he was.

Also the rough patch was you asking for your needs to be met. My bet is he’s been here before with previous relationships. He knows as soon as the person starts having needs & expectations it’s time to cut the cord.

Some people are in love with love. But they just love it when it’s new & fresh, exciting.

I know it hurts. But you deserve someone who wants to be your plus 1, someone who would be proud to have you beside them & who you’d be proud to bring. He would have reluctantly drug his feet & you’d feel awkward having to babysit him at a family event

You’d be able to sense deep down he didn’t want to be there & it would make you feel insecure & force happiness

It shouldn’t be that hard for you. You deserve more than what he gave you

Maybe look at it that Covid caused a lot of people’s love lives to crumble. It hasn’t been the year for dating really has it? Also plenty of relationships didn’t survive lockdown, once people were stuck with each other.

Just mean I get it was a year for you that feels valuable (am 38 too) but this was the year for breakups & solitary time.

Know this doesn’t help & it still hurts. Sorry he led you on…

That puts a slightly different slant on it. I wasn’t sure if he’d pulled back more gradually if you were pushing for these things quite early on but clearly that wasn’t the case. I agree there has to be a balance between time apart and time together and his excuses to not make plans together are dubious.

As I said before though, it isn’t you, it’s definitely him. His words - telling you he really wants to settle down etc - don’t match his actions, and on some level he does know that he’s unwilling or unable to do this, but he isn’t being honest with himself or you. Sadly I do think the fact you haven’t heard from him means he didn’t regard the relationship as highly as you did (same has happened to me with a similarly avoidant person) but again, that’s his feelings about the relationship, not a reflection on you as a person. You deserve someone on your level emotionally who’ll match your effort and commitment.

@smoko

OP it’s telling he didn’t just invite you to come down to see his family

If the relationship was really real, he would’ve just asked you to join him on the road trip

That it took just 2 weeks of a rough patch to make him reconsider things proves how in the present moment he was.

Also the rough patch was you asking for your needs to be met. My bet is he’s been here before with previous relationships. He knows as soon as the person starts having needs & expectations it’s time to cut the cord.

Some people are in love with love. But they just love it when it’s new & fresh, exciting.

I know it hurts. But you deserve someone who wants to be your plus 1, someone who would be proud to have you beside them & who you’d be proud to bring. He would have reluctantly drug his feet & you’d feel awkward having to babysit him at a family event

You’d be able to sense deep down he didn’t want to be there & it would make you feel insecure & force happiness

It shouldn’t be that hard for you. You deserve more than what he gave you

Maybe look at it that Covid caused a lot of people’s love lives to crumble. It hasn’t been the year for dating really has it? Also plenty of relationships didn’t survive lockdown, once people were stuck with each other.

Just mean I get it was a year for you that feels valuable (am 38 too) but this was the year for breakups & solitary time.

Know this doesn’t help & it still hurts. Sorry he led you on…

Thanks @smoko that does all make sense. I have moments of clarity then other times I feel confused. We probably were spending too much time together but he never wanted to engage properly with anything so it felt like our time was just as and when, slotted in after work. I’m not someone who needs entertainment provided to me either. I just wanted to build things together.

The driving thing hurt me too as I said I would share it so he didn’t have 4 hours each way to do. He just said he wanted to get it done and it would be easier without me. I’ve never had a relationship like that before, I’ve always been a team with someone.

I think it’s true he was very much in the present moment. We had two weeks (possibly 3) of me having properly laid out on the table that things were not feeling great for me as everything we talked about never actually was actioned. He kept saying he clearly wasn’t enough or good enough and I was confusing him as one moment I would say how great he was then the next I was asking why he wasn’t wanting to do x y or z it wasn’t like that though - I loved him so of course I thought he was great. But I became more and more frustrated and sad that we weren’t moving forwards in a way he always claimed he wanted to. It’s hard to describe really, but I guess it just felt like the relationship was a job he had to do. That’s how it seemed to me. It was hurtful. The moment we argued about it and things came to a head where I essentially said enough was enough, he didn’t want to talk about it, he was clearly relieved and I reckon now he is loving life and all his freedoms without me. It really hurts as I honestly believed I had met the person who was right for me. I still feel shocked by it all to be honest. Can’t believe he could claim to be so in love then weeks later just cut me off.

@TedMullins

That puts a slightly different slant on it. I wasn’t sure if he’d pulled back more gradually if you were pushing for these things quite early on but clearly that wasn’t the case. I agree there has to be a balance between time apart and time together and his excuses to not make plans together are dubious.

As I said before though, it isn’t you, it’s definitely him. His words - telling you he really wants to settle down etc - don’t match his actions, and on some level he does know that he’s unwilling or unable to do this, but he isn’t being honest with himself or you. Sadly I do think the fact you haven’t heard from him means he didn’t regard the relationship as highly as you did (same has happened to me with a similarly avoidant person) but again, that’s his feelings about the relationship, not a reflection on you as a person. You deserve someone on your level emotionally who’ll match your effort and commitment.

@TedMullins yeah he was always like this from the start with avoiding committing to anything but also telling me he REALLY wanted to do x y and z. So I was just patient and accepted that this week was tricky, or this phase wasn’t easy, or this moment he was stressed etc. I accepted all these things and then nothing changed. I guess I did get demanding as time went on, I was more direct and started to ask directly why he couldn’t do it.

One other time he said he was trying to get a couple of weeks off and that we would go for a mini break in that time. I asked when he was thinking of and he was vague, said he couldn’t be sure as he was still working out when would be suitable to request. Anyway, the weeks passed and he didn’t mention it. Then one evening in passing he said I’m still waiting to see if they are letting me have x dates off … so he hadn’t even thought to tell me what he had requested so I could have a heads up with my own leave and work. It was really odd.

I just feel a bit gutted really. Thanks for posting, it helps to get it all out!!