Fallen out with whole family.

[PoppleZopple]

Hi. My mum is ill, I have a sister & a brother. We are all arguing & I just have to accept that this is it, don't I? I'm now completely on my own with my children, my siblings are no longer part of the picture. I'm nearly 40.

I feel so sad. We never saw each other all the time but special occasions, or if somebody needed help, house move etc. I think it was a fairly standard sibling relationship really.

But I'm still going to miss them.

I don't know what I want with this post really, just somebody to talk to. Does anybody want to talk? I've been crying for the last 3 hours & I just need to let it go don't I.

Sorry it's muddled, hopefully you get the gist.

Any conviction is serious but 8 years!!!

Have you tried to track through he sex offenders database ?

amiold Yes I believe we did back when they told us, I'm not great with tech but my ex is a tech wiz & he couldn't find anything.

With the name change & the change of location I think it was really difficult, plus after a while I was kind of like 'Whats the point? He did something awful, do we even need to know the details?' & I'm sure I told my ex to leave it tbh.

I spoke to the police the 2nd time over the phone, just telling them that mum was pushing for contact & how she's certain that he's innocent, they said they are certain that he's guilty, remember that if she has my kids & she even goes for a wee then he's alone with them, (I said I know, that's why she's not having them) & then they just left us to get on with it basically.

I take it he has no contact with his own family?

amiold No, when they first got together I asked my mum if he has kids & she said 'He does but he doesn't see them because it's complicated'. !!

I work in this field. I guarantee you, if he served 8 years not only was the evidence rock solid but his crimes are unspeakable.

i cannot tell you the contempt I feel for your family.

well done op- I wouldn’t even see him for an hour tho tbh

i don’t mean to criticise you by the way, I just mean the pressure you’re being out under is disgusting. Whole lot of them are enabling, disgusting groomers.

Thank you Ohtheyresickagain. & Thank you for the work you do.

I know a lot of people on here don't understand me even doing that or seeing my mum at all.

No it's ok Ohtheyresickagain I understand completely.

I have no idea how I'd feel if I hadn't gone through this myself & it was a friend telling me, because before all this I'd only read about these situations in magazines.

He doesn't see his family because it's true and they've disowned him for being a dirty nonce. Maybe complicated because it's them he abused??

OP, you are amazing.

It is not easy to stay strong and resolute in the face of such pressure.

Your children will thank you, and the older they get and perhaps have children themselves, the enormity of your effort and love of them will be something they will hold dear to them for the rest of their lives.

Your family's denial is spectacular.

8 years?
Gosh but his crimes must be so serious because I have gasped at what men have done to only get a year or two for it.

I would think it probably not only involved the huge violation of children but probably distribution of images and worse.

He doesn't see his own children and changed his name due to the seriousness of his crimes.
Did they involve his grandchildren?

OP, your mother is despicable to want to risk her grandchildren.

Her stupidity at thinking SHE knows better than his own children tells you he probably targeted her for her low intelligence.

The arrogance of her thinking she knows better than his own children 🙄.

Stay strong and keep posting, we are here for you.

Yes, amiold It was his children & stepchildren

Thank you billy that's a kind post, I do appreciate it. Every now & then I have a wobble & think that my children won't understand & will take the view that everybody else has taken, that I'm wrong, but I'll deal with that if it happens.

My view hasn't, & won't ever change.

So your mother KNOWS he abused his children and grandchildren and was in prison for 8 years, thinks they all got it wrong, his family will have NOTHING to do with him, and she wants you to risk your children?

Absolutely unbelievable OP.

Your mother is a disgrace abd she is not a grandmother your children need in their lives.

That is so shocking.
Of course your children will believe you.

billy Children & step children. She does know, but she believes (& has from the beginning) that it isn't true. She believes that his ex wife set him up.

She told me that she knew who it was about & that it was 'Nothing bad' when I told her the police wanted to talk to me.

When I told her what the police told me & asked her 'Why the hell did you say it wasn't anything bad?!' she said 'Because he didn't do it, he's innocent'.

The whole thing is horrible.

He doesn't even respect his own children then so he won't respect yours!

How your mother can share a bed with a man who has probably (given the sentence) slept with children is beyond me! Has she always been a bit questionable??

You have done absolutely the right thing. If you want to maintain the relationship with your mother then you can and it sounds like you've been the bigger person to do so. All of your family are enabling and I couldn't do it.

Well done ❤️

amiold Thank you for your kind posts today.

My mum's always been soft, will give anybody the benefit of the doubt even if they've done something awful.

She's convinced me to give various men 2nd chances when they just ended up being the same awful men they were in the first place... & Then she's still told me to give them a third chance!

I'm soft like her but I've also inherited my dad's stubborn streak, so I'm easily swayed by a sob story if I'm not sure, BUT when I AM sure then I won't be swayed.

And that's what they are all up against now. They all thought that I'd be easily swayed by this because I'm 'the quiet one' but they didn't bank on my fierceness when it comes to protecting my kids.

I'm pleased for your kids sake you are stubborn like your dad ❤️

And that's what they are all up against now.

And they all want you on side, because they want everything to be normal.

I give it 0% chance that your sister's children won't have an appalling story to tell when they are 30 or 40.

You are very, very much doing the right thing.

Your mother and her 'give people a second chance' sounds like someone who will throw anyone under the bus just so that she doesn't have to say No to someone. I bet she does everything for her 'partner'. But the pressure she's putting on you is profoundly wrong. It must hurt so much that she's betrayed you like this, but you are the Lioness Mother and you are doing the right thing.

My mum's always been soft, will give anybody the benefit of the doubt even if they've done something awful.

I think a lot of the people who use the whole "I'm too nice for my own good" / "everyone deserves a second chance" lines in serious situations are not actually soft or nice. They're cowards.

Some people may jump on me for that but I think they rely on other people to do the awkward, confrontational things necessary to safeguard them and other people. And because nobody but you is doing so, she's made you the baddie and her the victim.

No point engaging with her on this but I wonder what she'd say if your partner was arrested, charged, sentences and spent eight years in prison for crimes against children... as it wouldn't be a loss to her in that it wouldn't mean she had to face potentially being lonely or standing up to someone, she'd likely go hell for leather on the anti him front.

I would at this point have absolutely zero respect for her. She has none for any of her grandchildren. It makes my stomach turn. She's chosen to risk their safety for the man she's shagging. How she can look at him, let alone share a home and bed with him, is beyond me.

You sound like a great mum. Continue to be confident and clear. You are absolutely doing the right thing in making this an absolute boundary for you

This sounds dreadful and your mum, I'm speechless at her naivety. Or is it stupidity? I can't decide. She sounds brainwashed. Thankfully you are not. I once knew a girl who was sexually abused by her parents lodger. He also abused her sisters. When she eventually told her mum, her mum confronted him. His response was that it was what they wanted and it taught them. Her mum's response? She married their abuser! The ultimate betrayal. I just can't fathom why with the police telling you there is no mistake and he definitely did it that your mum would even contemplate having him anywhere near her grandchildren. Thank god you have the tenacity to stand up for what you know is right and fight for your kids. It's a pity your mum won't learn anything from you. I'm so sorry you had to endure this. I know she's your mum and you love her but she sounds like a pretty sorry excuse of a mother to be this blatantly stupid in the face of the evidence from the police. She honestly believes he didn't do it and he was set up? You don't go down for 8 years on the strength of made up charges. The evidence will have been overwhelming and there's no way his ex will have been able to pull that one off with lies. Tell your mum her staggering disloyalty toward her own flesh and blood really boils my piss please. You are an amazing mum my love xx

Thank you for all your support everybody.

ShakespearesBlister. I think it's naivety, & that they were together for a year before the police told me, & in that year he spent every day in her ear telling her of his innocence, so by the time I got to say 'Wait a minute, he's lying'... She was well & truly hooked up in his lies.

I know I've said this on here before, but he doesn't even treat her nicely. Maybe he's all she thinks she deserves or something, I don't know.

monsteramunch I know what you mean. She does take the easy road, I did try & ask her once how she'd feel if it was somebody else who we know & they served 8 years then said they were innocent, & she said something like 'Well you don't know the backstory with his ex, she was horrible to him & this is something she'd do, so if somebody else had an ex like that then I'd believe them too'.

Then I said 'But you only have his word that she was horrible' & she said 'I've told you to speak to him yourself & then he can explain it to you too, but you won't'.

Thank you ReleaseTheDucksOfWar. It does still get to me sometimes, hence the posts on here, but (luckily!) Most of the time I'm just living my 'new normal' & hardly see my mum & that's just how it is now.

Sometimes I feel devastated at the life we would of had, as mum & daughter, & the life we have now, but it's out of my control.

'I've told you to speak to him yourself & then he can explain it to you too, but you won't'.

Call her bluff.

Ask him to give you his real name and access to all of the court records and evidence - and then to sit down to show you how he was innocent and this was a miscarriage of justice.

TicketMasterMind In the beginning I asked him to come to mine, her too & me & my ex, I said we could have a cup of tea & a chat & he could tell us his side & that I was happy to hear it, but he said that he'd only speak to me alone & it had to be at their house.

She kept going on about this letter that proved his innocence but when I asked the police they said she's miss-understood, it's just a letter that people get given when they've come out of prison, to say they behaved or whatever, it doesn't say that they never did the crime in the first place (but of course she told me the police had that wrong)

This went back & forwards a bit until I stopped asking & she stuck with 'You won't speak to him'. It also came up again when everything blew up & I first posted on here. I told her if he cared about her at all & if she really was crying about this situation, then he'd of come to mine & told his side. She just said it was harder for him as he didn't know me & that he was perfectly willing to speak to me but isn't now.

Urgh how creepy that he wants you on your own - so vile manipulative and abusive. Clearly an innocent person would shout it from the roof tops for all to hear.

Your family won’t see it - he has done a number on them all.

Don't ever doubt yourself and I would also be cutting out all of the deniers - they can’t be trusted because they have all been groomed.

TicketMasterMind Well yes, that's always been my arguement! & If he apparently has a letter stating his innocence then why aren't they busy suing the police or court or whoever! Then she would say something feeble like 'I dont know his every move, he probably is suing them'.

& The fact that him maybe feeling a little uncomfortable in my house, with my mum, meant that it was fine for me to go to their house, alone... Well, it's just baffling isn't it!

It's been weird going through it all again on here, but I guess we are all living a weird life now anyway, not communicating, barely seeing each other, it's hardly how you plan to live your life is it.

I’ve just read all of your posts on this. Firstly want to say how horrifying it all is, and well done for being the only strong sensible person in your family. I’d have done exactly the same as you because it’s the right thing to do - your kids and their safeguarding should be your priority.

Your mum has made what is quite a selfish and weak choice to prioritise a man who is a paedophile. Someone who could easily harm her grandchildren. I think you’ve been incredibly forgiving and accommodating of that. Your siblings clearly have absolutely no judgement and I reckon your sister wants your kids overnight so she can override you and get them together with your mum and this monster. Again that’d make me absolutely furious.

Your family is evidently incredibly toxic and if I were you I’d be making much of friendships. I think you should be open about the situation with friends as they need to support you through this, it sounds like a living nightmare but you’re doing absolutely the right thing. Stay strong 💪 - you’re an amazing person.