Fallen out with whole family.

[PoppleZopple]

Hi. My mum is ill, I have a sister & a brother. We are all arguing & I just have to accept that this is it, don't I? I'm now completely on my own with my children, my siblings are no longer part of the picture. I'm nearly 40.

I feel so sad. We never saw each other all the time but special occasions, or if somebody needed help, house move etc. I think it was a fairly standard sibling relationship really.

But I'm still going to miss them.

I don't know what I want with this post really, just somebody to talk to. Does anybody want to talk? I've been crying for the last 3 hours & I just need to let it go don't I.

Sorry it's muddled, hopefully you get the gist.

Thanks BornBlonde
Thanks ReleaseTheDucks. I'm furious with my bro. & I know what you mean. I often think that he'd target me one day, just to teach me a lesson. But maybe that's my warped mind. He seems to be 'trying' to be nice with me. Offering things for my kids etc. I always refuse. I've never once taken anything from him. After every time I think 'Ugh. After what he did. As if I'd take anything from him!'

That parts easy for me, it's the part with my mum that I struggle with.

It would be so much easier if she believed that he did it, & has stood by him anyway, but that isn't the case with her.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation I honestly believe that he said it, yes. Last year she had my sis in her ear telling her that I would go round there, I would turn up on the day, I wouldn't let her down etc. This year she's got him. (He doesn't want to spend boxing day with her & I am a convenient excuse for him not to go, or only go for a quick visit, is what I think)

I've seen my bro a few times through the year & we've been fine with each other. We don't hate each other we just don't talk about this/he hates my view on this & I hate his.

My mum told them both to stop giving me a hard time about this before last Christmas & they've actually done it but they get on & her instead & she gets on at me...

OP you are doing the right thing by your children. I can only imagine how hard it is with your mum ill & your sister & brother being blind to what is happening.
You should be proud of yourself for standing strong & protecting your children. You are strong & are setting a good example of setting & maintaining boundaries.
This man has not accepted responsibility for his actions & remains a danger to children. He is grooming your family to ignore his past behaviour & to shield him from the consequences. I would be alarmed if I were your sister that he pays for her car & such, it's a big red flag to me.
You are very brave op, I know how hard it must be for you. There are organisations that can offer you support. Take care. 💐

Thank you for that kind message, moonriverandme. My sister's kids are a lot older than mine, one of them has their own baby now (since starting this thread) & I assume their partner has been told about this situation too (the police told me any babies that were born, the parents would be told) but they again, appear to be fine with it.

It's always just me. Such a lonely place to be.

Thank you everybody for you support

Morning everybody, I hope you are all having a Merry Christmasxxx

I'm at my mum's & the kids are coming with their dad in a bit for an hour. I'm feeling quite melancholy.
Mum said my bro has still been badgering her to 'Get me to come tomorrow' daily since we last spoke, & saying that there's no point them coming if we won't be there. I think he's being plain nasty tbh.

I hate this. I wish I'd never come today. I wish things were better. I wish he would go & live under a rock. I wish none of this ever happened.

But, despite all that, I'm glad that I've come to see my mum. This time last year we didn't think mum would be here this year.

I just wish it were different

Are your kids going to your mums with him there?

im so sorry your family is such rubbish.

Your family have zero respect for you or your choices or your boundaries.

They keep pushing and pushing and grinding you down - each and every one of them to your face, behind your back and colluding together.

No wonder you feel exhausted and gas-lit.

This is shocking.

Swiminanglesey Yes they went when he was there. We kept them by us. It was fine. He tried to get them to help decorate the table with him (he didn't know my youngest's name. Good. He shouldn't know them) but of course they said no because they don't know him, & at the same time as my kids said no to him, I was saying 'They are alright here'.

My mum also told me to come over & look at her presents but I stayed where I was, by my kids.

Ticketyboots I'm so tired of it. My mum said that she told me bro 'Ive tried everything that I can but she's adamant that she isn't coming'. I just ignored her. Tumble weed.
But emotionally, it's so tough.

She made this joke to my ex when we left 'I'll see you this time next year' & I thought 'I'm in hell here & you are making a joke out of it!'

Anyway. It's done. Thank you for the support. I'm so tired of it. But it's done.

A bit of a strange thing happened, my sis sent me this long rambling text offering to have one or both my kids over night or in the daytime or any time I need help.

I am having a rough time right now & the thought of a break is amazing BUT she's completely ignoring what's gone on, no mention of all the previous nasty texts OR the fact that we've barely spoken for over a year. I mean, my kids wouldn't go to her easily as (especially the youngest) barely know her. They've never spent a night away from either me or their dad.

Very weird. On the one hand I think this is her trying to bury the hatchet & it's my chance to be the bigger person & 'let it go', but on the other hand I think well nothings 'done', the elephant in the room is still there, & I honestly wouldn't put it past her not to take the kids to mums, with him there, just to prove a point.

So on that basis the answer is no. But it's definitely strange.

There is no trust now between you. But if you want to try to rebuild a relationship could you say she's welcome fir dinner? Say the offer is kind but the kinds are clingy and as it's been a while they would not want to be without you.

Then once you see each other you can talk properly

I'm a bit late to the party here but from what I've picked up (from your 90 off responses 😅) is that your mum is living with a convicted paedophile and your family are giving you a hard time for protecting your kids? I could be wrong?

If I've picked that up right, do not send your kids to your sister for her to take them to your mums ... because let's face it, they're probably looking for a work around to get them there given they have no issues taking their own kids.

Agree with this.

Paedophiles spend much of their time grooming the adults. This is what has happened here.

Your siblings and DM cannot accept your decisions and boundaries as he has got in their heads.

Don’t leave your DC with any of this family as they are all be used by him.

I would also NEVER be in his company as they can abuse children right in front of everyone and people don’t see it. There could be a moment where you are distracted - need the loo, get something from the car - that’s all it takes for him to swoop.

Why was there ever a need to be in his company?

@TicketMasterMind glad someone agrees.

Wouldn't leave kids with anyone who accepts and lives alongside a paedo... given the stats say most of them reoffend.

Thank you for the support everybody.

amiold Yes that's it. (I know the threads long now!)

TicketMasterMind They've seen him for an hour on the last 2 Christmases, with their dad there too so there's 2 of us & it's easier to keep them with us.

My mum is unwell so I've done these Christmas visits for my mum.

BornBlonde That's a nice suggestion, I just don't think it's a good idea tbh. I think if we spent any amount of time together like that then she'd just use it as an excuse to start having a go at me again.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself or other family members is just to leave them behind. I know a lot of people are sentimental about family relationships and urge you to try and fix them 'Oh, you'll regret it when they're gone' and all that. I've had to leave (some) family behind and it can feel like a weight lifted off one's shoulders. Sooner or later you have to say for your own sanity that you can't fix other people's problems or mend the relationship and maybe it's not your job to do so anyway. You can't tell everybody this, of course!

AlexaAdventuress Yes that's true, I guess that's what the thread was about at the start, accepting that the sibling relationship was gone. Well done for being able to do that too (I don't mean that in a patronising way!)

Slight difficulty with my mum being unwell now & that my oldest already had a strong bond with her before all this.

I sent my sis basically 'Thats kind of you & thank you for the offer but I think we'll be ok, if I need any help I'll let you know, thanks again'.

& She will probably see that as me being unkind & not letting her see my kids but it is what it is. I've stopped inviting her to little Birthday get-togethers in the park etc as she never came, but if she wants to see them ever then she can see them then.

We are long past the point of her having my kids for a sleep over aren't we. I might be being petty but if she wanted that kind of relationship with my kids then she should have accepted my decisions, same as I accepted hers.

I still see my bro & his family (for now) as we have kids the same age & none of this is ever spoken about... (I know that's weird to some)

One day, hopefully, my children will understand all this.

@PoppleZopple well done for sticking to your guns .. I can't believe your family have brushed it aside and are taking a risk. Also making you feel like you're just being anal about it... I'd suggest next time they say "YOU won't bring your kids" etc.. "next time you're in a team meeting or out with friends ask your friends or colleagues if they'd have their kids around a convicted paedophile and see what responses you get and how common it is to put your children at risk!"

What's your mothers property called? Epstein island?

Thanks amiold. I honestly think my mum must have told her friends her version... 'He never did it & the police told Popple that she doesn't have to keep her kids away, she's just decided to, to hurt me'.

Because we used to spend so much time together & then it just stopped. She showed my first child off to her friends & none of them have even met my youngest (I was preg with youngest when I found out)
So she just must have told people.

& I imagine that's how it would go with sis, she'd say 'If I asked my friends if they'd have their kids around somebody who was wrongly convicted, then I'm sure they'd say yes'.

As for me, I hardly have any friends, that's why I come on here for support! Plus I keep people at arms length so that I don't have to describe this situation.

It's actually been easier since mums been ill, because now I can say 'We are staying away in case the kids pass on any bugs' whereas before I'd get people asking why I wouldn't take the kids to visit, & I'd say 'I don't get on with her partner' which made me look petty.

In response to your sister and your mums version of events I'd say "and do they agree after reading the news article after he was convicted" or "there must have been substantial evidence to jail him for xyz".

Did he get jailed, I'm assuming he did and for how long? Paedos around here seem to get off lightly.. tag and community service etc 🙄

amiold I didn't get told exact details obviously (nor did I want to hear them!) But I got told that he served 8 years. 8 years in prison.

Came out, changed his name & met my mum. Me & my ex tried to Google but it was very, very difficult to find anything out due to the name changing.

I asked my mum why didn't he appeal if he was innocent? Answer 'I don't know the details'.

I told her that the 2nd time I spoke to the police about it they said there's no doubt in their minds that he did it, & she said something like 'Well they would say that, they won't admit that they've made a mistake'.

Honestly, the times we have spoken about it, just gets me nowhere, she just tells me to 'Speak to him about it'. & I'm not doing that.

Eight years in prison?

My god he must have been convicted of some utterly horrific (obviously all abuse is horrific but you know what I mean) crimes with very aggravating factors in order to have had that sentence.

It's insane that other people in the family are tolerating and excusing him. Disgusting in fact. They should be ashamed of themselves.

You're doing the right thing not caving. I think NC with her is the only way forward tbh. But I completely understand how her being ill makes that much less clear cut.

And if he served eight years he likely got sentenced to almost double that. The threshold for that kind of sentence is so, so high that it would be essentially impossible for him to have been 'framed' as it would require absolute, undeniable evidence on multiple charges.

I'm so disgusted by him and I don't even know him.

You are protecting your children. You're 100% doing the right thing having no contact with him at all, ever.

Jesus!

He's done something bad to be convicted for that long. He's probably been convicted for 16 or 12 and served 8.

I support your decision even more. Your sister is enabling a paedophile to be around children. A really bad one looking at that jail sentence.

“He's done something bad to be convicted for that long. He's probably been convicted for 16 or 12 and served 8.

I support your decision even more. Your sister is enabling a paedophile to be around children. A really bad one looking at that jail sentence.”

Totally this. It’s a terrible shame your mum ever allowed this guy into her and your lives. Someone who sexually molests children can and will lie and minimise and is utterly untrustworthy from beginning to end.

I know. You are all right. I have the same thoughts, sentences are ridiculously low so for him to serve that long...

I remember when the police told me, as if it was yesterday. She said 'Its serious'. (I was staring at my son thinking how he was never, ever going to get near him again so I guess I looked like I wasn't listening, I was also finding it quite difficult not to burst into tears, I couldn't actually quite process what I was hearing) So she put her hand on my knee, looked me in the eyes & said again 'Its serious'...

But at the same time, they left the choice completely up to us weather we have our kids around him or not. It would have been sooo much easier of they'd of said a straight up 'No contact'. But they didn't. They left it up to us.

I knew the police were going to speak to my sister after, so I left it a few hours then contacted her & she said 'I don't believe them, I believe mum that he's innocent, & anyway they said it's up to us & I'm not stopping my kids being around him, are you?' (or similar words to that)

& That's when my whole world changed.

Thank you all for the support