Fallen out with whole family.

[PoppleZopple]

Hi. My mum is ill, I have a sister & a brother. We are all arguing & I just have to accept that this is it, don't I? I'm now completely on my own with my children, my siblings are no longer part of the picture. I'm nearly 40.

I feel so sad. We never saw each other all the time but special occasions, or if somebody needed help, house move etc. I think it was a fairly standard sibling relationship really.

But I'm still going to miss them.

I don't know what I want with this post really, just somebody to talk to. Does anybody want to talk? I've been crying for the last 3 hours & I just need to let it go don't I.

Sorry it's muddled, hopefully you get the gist.

You poor pet.
I am sending you a big loving mothering hug through the ether!

It is so hard when there is no comfort nor resolution to an intractable problem.

Time does heal, but it takes time and there is just no rushing this, no going around, just through it.

As long as your mother is alive the pain will be deeper.

When she passes, it will ease as the pain will be replaced with pity and acceptance.

Seek some counselling for yourself if you can.

It is so hard when doing the right thing causes you such pain, because others prefer to look the other way.

Taking the high road is never easy.

I am not particularly religious, church going etc., but I value spirituality.

Pedophiles cause such horrific pain in the lives of others, and you too are feeling indirect pain via your mothers poor choices.

There is a belief of offering up your pain to the universe, so as to relieve the pain of others suffering.

I'm probably not explaining it well, but it can offer comfort to some.

Through your decency and strength you have made the tough decisions to keep your children safe at great personal cost to you.

Your children are so lucky that you have done this, and have been able to do this.

So many parents don't get that chance and are left with a grief that I can assure you would be even much greater than yours.

I would accept any grief thrown my way, any at all, if it was to ensure my childrens safety. I wouldn't wish the grief of child SA on parent.

That is why you are so to be admired in your stance.
You truly are a warrior mother.

So perhaps give some thought to an alternative grief that others go through and think about offering up yours.

Apologies if that is to mumble jumbo, just ignore.😁

billy1966 I know what you are saying. It does make sense.

I've been dealing with this for 7 years now so I wish it had gotten easier. But I suppose the acceptance has.

My mum made a comment the other day about 'Abusers' but she can't see. She just can't see what she is choosing. She didn't do the abusing but she's choosing this now.

I often think about 'his' family. I hope they have found some way to heal a little. But I doubt it. I also hope they never find out that he's playing happy family's with a woman with all these kids in her family. And I hope that somehow, if they do find out, then they can also find out that one of us isn't ok with it. Just one of us is on their side.

It's just a horrible situation & I know he served his 8 years but everybody else is still suffering, whilst he is just fine. It's unfair.

I think my last sentence sounded evil. It's coming from a place of hurt.

I don't wish him harm, because I don't wish anybody harm, but I absolutely do no wish him happiness. I wish him to be alone with only his thoughts, and to know what he's done.

You are a better woman than me.

I'd have absolutely no difficulty whatsoever wishing a screaming death on those that would hurt a child.

In my long life I have peers whom were hurt by neighbours, uncles, older brothers, family friend.

Absolutely horrific.

Despite moving forward in their lives and outwardly appearing happy and successful, their grief and confusion remains.
It never leaves, despite their refusal to be defined by it.

It is interesting that not one chose to tell their parents, preferring to protect them.

Heartbreaking still, 50 years on.

A life sentence to be endured.

I would accept ANYTHING, to prevent my children suffering a similar fate.

billy1966 I'm sorry. It's horrible, awful. So much pain & suffering.

Thank you for talking to me.

I've probably said this on here before but I've been hurt by men. As in the hurt that we are talking about on here. And the thought of anybody doing that to any of my kids. I know, it's just horrendous isn't it.

I'm so sorry.
You poor pet.
You mind yourself and be as kind to yourself as you would be if someone was telling you all this.
You will get through this.
You are so much stronger than you realise and your children are so blessed to have you for a mum.

Thank you for all of your kindness billy1966, I hope that you are right.

you continue to be the only one doing anything right. Well done @PoppleZopple you will never ever regret this. I don’t have words for the rest of your ‘family’ x

Gosh I’ve just read this full thread. I feel for you so so much. I’ve no advice but just wanted to say you are brave and strong. A huge well done to you for protecting your babies! I hope you get some peace soon x

You're doing the right thing OP. The only thing I'd advise is to be less apologetic. Put the blame where it belongs. When your Mum or brother make comments reply - sorry you know I can't allow a paedophile to be around my children. His actions and your choices have led to this, not mine. Then leave. I speak as a victim of child abuse. My abuser got less time than your Mum's boyfriend and the abuse was serious and lasted years. His actions must have been truly awful.

I know Aishah. Thank you for posting & sharing that. I'm so sorry.

I think it's just how I need to deal with it myself though, I can't face the confrontation. My mum believes that he didn't do it so she'd just say that he isn't one anyway.

Thank you dusty79 & Yearonebesties It might not seem like much when you post, but I really appreciate these posts, they make me feel less alone with this.

If the only thing I can do to support you in this is post here then I will post and post again…I can’t express how important it is to continue to protect your little ones. As you’ve sadly
learned, although it’s mind boggling to most of us, too many people enable child sex offenders to access children when they shouldn’t. I’m so glad you’re not one of them. I can’t bear to think of what I KNOW would happen if you were. X

Yearonebesties Thank you. I'm always ready to be told that I'm evil for even still seeing my mum, & I understand that view.

I have had to find a whole new layer to myself, in a way, to 'Pack away' in my mind somehow, the fact that other family members have their young children around him & what this could mean. I've had to somehow find distance & it hurts me to even write these words, about those children.

I recently spoke with Social Services for something unrelated & they asked about my mum & if she accepts my decision. I said she doesn't because she believes that he never did it, so in her mind I'm the one in the wrong as I'm demonising somebody innocent. They said that was 'Really interesting'.

I don't know if I'd call it interesting. Hell. Shit. Crap. Devastating, maybe.

I saw my mum today & she's really ramping up the guilt.

'The whole family will be here at Christmas, it's such a shame if you don't come, you know you are welcome & it makes me so sad that you will be the only ones who won't join in'.

I was just reading another thread on here about respecting people's wishes re Christmas & I thought 'Wouldn't it be nice if one person in my family respected my wishes over Christmas'.

I think this is when you reply that " it makes ME so sad that you have chosen to spend your life with a convicted child sex offender and put him ahead of your own grandchildren and my wish to protect my children from harm".

I know billy1966. I just can't. I just nod & can't say anything. I wish I was stronger.

I wanted to tell her to shut the fuck up, but I wouldn't say that to my mum but it was like her going on about it whilst he's sat there in the room, just made me feel sick.

It’s even worse that she did that in front of him 🤮 he will absolutely be loving that other people are fighting on his behalf, and probably loved watching you squirm too. Vile, vile man. Your mum sickens me too. I’m so sorry @PoppleZopple . Your children are worth far more than these two individuals.

I was on this thread a while ago under a different name, and am sorry to have lost track of it over several years. I’m so sorry it’s still ongoing.

I have some tough questions for you.

If your mum and her partner ‘disappeared’ and were no longer a risk, would you still want to see your siblings and the extended family? The cause of the upset would be gone, but their behaviour will still have happened.

What are occasional visits with your mum doing for you?

From the outside, every one of them has behaved appallingly. None of them have done anything other than pressure, criticise and blame you- scapegoat you- and you have done nothing beyond being a responsible mum.

If it were me- and I think you should consider this- I would tell them this is your goodbye visit. That you have been sad and torn for 7 years over her decision to prioritise a pedophile over her family, and that you can’t bear it anymore and will be protecting yourself and your family by never seeing any of them again. See your mum a last time, then send a group message with the above.

Block them and move on. If I were feeling really generous I would tell them to go through your ex if they ever feel differently, but that you aren’t prepared to be guilted shamed and bullied for protecting your children from a rapist.

It's ok picklemewalnuts. I feel pathetic that it's still an ongoing thread tbh, but there's no point starting a new one each time as I imagine I'm posting much the same stuff aren't I. Repeating myself.

To answer your questions, my sis makes no effort what-so-ever anymore, to see me & my kids, & I don't with her. I do token Birthday/Christmas cards & small Christmas gifts for her kids, which I leave with my mum. I honestly wouldn't care if I didn't see her anymore. I will never forgive her.

My bro, we meet up a few times a year & he doesn't mention anything then, we have kids similar in age & sis in law is lovely & has never said anything nasty so I'd want to continue to see them like that, if they wanted to, but as long as nothing was mentioned.

I know what you are saying. I do. And I understand how my posts must be difficult for people to read & I apologize for that.

She's still my mum though. When nothing is mentioned, it's just this awful thing at the back of my mind but she's my mum like she always was. Again, I'm sorry if that upsets people.

I still believe that if he dies first then everybody is going to be awful to me saying that I caused him pain & the same if mum goes first, & I think, personally, that that will be 'It' then.

I wish that I were stronger.

Thank you Yearonebesties, I'm not going to post on here, what my thoughts were when she said it & I looked at him, but I do wonder how/why he did what he did & I know that's not healthy for me. I watched him struggle to do this task that he was doing yesterday (struggle due to age) & think 'Good. I'm glad you struggle with that. I hope it hurts you but it's nothing like what you did to other people'.

@PoppleZopple you are in no way pathetic. It takes strength to keep trying to maintain a relationship against the odds.

I’m glad you have your brother and SiL- they obviously want to maintain the relationship despite everything.

But I still wouldn’t trust any of them. I also think that should the worst turn out to be true, and him still offending, there will be no ‘Gosh, Popple was right all along!’. There will instead be ‘ah, he was trying to stay clean but people wouldn’t let him forget it’ or similar. Or even just rage that you successfully protected yours and they didn’t.

Sorry, what a doom monger I am.

May you be blessed with friends, neighbours and children who see what a warrior you are, and how fiercely you have fought to do the right thing. 💐

Thank you picklemewalnuts That's very kind of you, I thought you were going to be angry about what I posted. I wish you happiness too.

There is the element of 'Other people' as well, as I still haven't told anybody in RL, & just yesterday I had somebody ask about Christmas, with a 'Well you will see your mum, won't you?!' Like it was a given, & they didn't seem to pick up on my obvious discomfort. I've become a bit of an expert at the 'Half nod-shrug-change the subject'.

Obviously I hope they all turn out to be right & he never does anything to another person again, but I've had the same thoughts, I would still somehow be in the wrong even if he did.

I don't trust any of them & that will never be repaired. I feel like, if they keep pushing me, specifically when they know that I am utterly alone with this, then one day, I'm going to just shout it from the roof-tops when they are all there & tell them all to go to hell.

So far, this Christmas, the only pushing has been my mum.

It's a hard day today, there's been some tears (my kids aren't with me) but I will be ok. I always am. Thank you everybody, as ever, for talking to me.

Obviously I hope they all turn out to be right & he never does anything to another person again, but I've had the same thoughts, I would still somehow be in the wrong even if he did.

Please remember you are the only person doing the right thing - loving morally and safeguarding your children.

Only he will know how many people he has hurt/ the lengths he has gone to in order to victimise others etc.

I find it so appalling that anyone would want to be near an abuser or put their head in the sand the way they have

Have you had some therapy? I wonder if that would help you feel better about your choices and make you feel stronger

Sorry living morally

Thank you BritneyBookClubPresident. I think 'loving morally' works too.

I'm not sure if therapy would help, I know it's been suggested on here before too, but it's not going to change the situation is it.

Hi all, I just wanted to pop on & wish everybody who has been kind to me on this thread, a Merry Christmas. I hope you all have some joy as you have all been there for me & I really appreciate it.xxx