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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH drunk last night and aggressive

160 replies

Mummypig1234 · 23/10/2021 19:12

Hey. I've name changed for this as I'm embarrassed. Don't even know what I want from this post.

Went to a wedding yesterday with DH. It was a great day until the end. I'm 13 weeks pregnant so I was driving. I started to tell him from approx 12am that I wanted to go home as I was tired and we had a 1 hr journey home. I usually am In bed sleeping at 10pm every night at the minute. So had previously discussed that it would be likely that we would need to leave wedding early.

Anyway DH was quite drunk. Didn't want to leave. Continued to talk to various ppl (family wedding on his side). Then agreed he was coming but was getting a bit snappy. Then decided he wanted to say goodbye to other various ppl. It was after 1am at this stage. I snapped at him and said I am exhausted and just want to go home.

As we were walking out of the wedding reception he launched a tirade of foul mouthed abuse at me. Basically telling me to "shut the f up you f dick". Shouting at me to shut my mouth up. You get the picture. He was looking at me with what I can only describe as pure hatred. I just felt so shocked and blindsided. He's usually so placid and we never argue. I was shaking as we walked back to the car. He refused to give me the car keys saying that I didn't need them (keys only need to be in the car for the engine to switch on) as I think he thought I would drive off and leave him. His parents were at the wedding and I was indeed tempted to drive off and leave him to go home with them to their house for the night.

I said "I can't believe you just spoke to me like that". He started demanding to know what exactly he had said and when. That he didn't know I'd wanted to go home since 12. Still swearing a lot. Then said he didn't remember shouting at me. I gave up trying to reason with him and went silent. He kept trying to talk to me and I just ignored him and turned the radio up. He turned it off. Then kept trying to grab my hand to apologise. I said well talk about this tomorrow as you're drunk.

We got home and I went straight upstairs to get ready for bed. I got it in DSs bed as he wasn't home. DH came busting in to the room loudly declaring that he would be sleeping beside me, shoving me over roughly in the bed. I got up and went to our own bed. Same thing ensued. I ask that he leave me alone and that I didn't want to share a bed with him after what had happened. He blocked me trying to get past him out the door. I told him he was bullying me and he then let me past.

This morning he came in to DSs room and got in to bed beside me wakening me up. Telling me how sorry he is etc etc. that he doesn't remember what he said.

I've been so upset all day, barely able to eat, feeling sick. Am I being dramatic? Is it pregnancy hormones? I don't even want to look
at him. I felt so intimidated by him last night and I just think surely a person doesn't speak to someone they like never mind love like that? my head is fried.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/10/2021 19:16

Is it pregnancy hormones?

No

yellowpigeons · 23/10/2021 19:18

It’s abuse. You need to tell a friend what happened. This must have been so frightening for you, I’m sorry.

SleepingBunnies21 · 23/10/2021 19:21

Am I being dramatic?

No, the whole thing is awful, you poor thing.

Fallagain · 23/10/2021 19:22

He was both verbally and physically abuse. What do you want to happen now?

QuestionNumberOne · 23/10/2021 19:24

It’s abuse. Anyone would be terrified and upset.

OP please ask him to leave or is there anywhere you can take your DC?

LuluJakey1 · 23/10/2021 19:26

It's horrible, uncaring, disrespectful, aggressive, bullying behaviour. And it is there inside him. Can you live with that knowledge?

Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2021 19:28

He is vile.
Sounds like he is a bully and thought he could blame the booze for it and get away with it.

Not letting you have space afterwords and insisting on trying to sleep next to you..its straight up abusive territory.

I'd tell him to leave tbh.

SleepingBunnies21 · 23/10/2021 19:28

If this is truly the first time anything like this has ever happened, i can only suggest recording every bit of it for your future reference (and use, if necessary).

You should probably tell your mid wife, gp etc about it; this is ultimately verbal abuse, aggressive, and almost physical abuse (getting jnto a bed you didn't want him in twice, shoving you over in the bed, blocking your exit until you had to chide him into letting you move etc. of a pregnant woman.
Even the not leaving when you the designated driver is pregnant, tired etc is I suppose a type of abuse.

Noone should have to put up with any of this, pregnant or not pregnant.

As to what you do .... what do you want to do?

SleepingBunnies21 · 23/10/2021 19:29

*in fact I amend that, it is almost physical abuse; it is physical abuse.

Original poster
Mummypig1234 · 23/10/2021 19:30

I don't know what to do. I just want to curl up in a ball in the corner and cry. Today I threw on some leggings and a jumper and left the house and went walking. Found a bench in a quiet area and just sat there. Then went to my parents to pick up DS. Took him to shopping centre to kill an hour.
I know his dad has a history of being abusive towards his mum especially when he was drinking. I just don't want to believe my usually lovely husband is the very same. I've been with him 8 years.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/10/2021 19:32

When you described him following you around shoving you and getting into bed beside you I literally had a panic response. He sounds utterly terrifying and horrendous. How old is DS? Has he ever behaved like this before? Does he have a drink problem?
I think he needs to leave for a while to give you some space to think.

RandomMess · 23/10/2021 19:32
Thanks

That is terrifying Sad

BrilloPaddy · 23/10/2021 19:32

It's not your hormones, it's your DH being a bully.

Sadly pregnancy is often a time when men start to show behaviour like this. You've reached out on here, now you need to do the same in real life and get some support.

Don't underplay his behaviour here and let him blame the drink. You've a baby to protect from this as well as yourself.

picklemewalnuts · 23/10/2021 19:33

Best case scenario, this is a one off - but you can't trust his ever getting drunk again. I think you need to tell him that it was scary, disgusting and beyond unacceptable and that he is never to get drunk again if he expects you to stay.

Lovely people can be disgusting drunks- but they mustn't get drunk again if they want people to stay around them.

Once is acceptable if it's unexpected and they make sure it can't happen twice.

SleepingBunnies21 · 23/10/2021 19:33

we had a 1 hr journey home.

That's a pretty long drive for a knackered pregnant woman late at night; he should have been well aware of time and moderating his alcohol intake etc. in order not to have you staying up and driving an hour late at night; that's before getting onto the severe verbal.abuse when you finally got hkm to leave and the bullying, harassment, aggression etc back at the house.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 23/10/2021 19:34

He needs to stop drinking alcohol.

Original poster
Mummypig1234 · 23/10/2021 19:34

DS is 3.5. No this hasn't happened before but he barely drinks. Odd time he goes to the pub with a couple of friends and has 3-4 pints. Yesterday he was drinking all day. Beer, wine, spirits, shots.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 23/10/2021 19:35

Don't raise a child in that household or the cycle of abuse will continue for them. He saw his mother abused and now he think he can abuse you. Even if he has always protested against his father's behavior, it seems like he is exactly the same thing.

Often abuse begins once you have kids with them or are pregnant. I suspect there have been sveral red flats up until now but that now he is kicking it up a notch.

Don't raise your kids in a home where they will see you being abused.

SleepingBunnies21 · 23/10/2021 19:35

I know his dad has a history of being abusive towards his mum especially when he was drinking.

Hmm.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 23/10/2021 19:36

Has he acknowledged the full extent of his behaviour?

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 23/10/2021 19:36

That would explain it. And I speak as someone who can be a bit of an idiot when drinking too much. I've given up booze now as I never know if I will be good drunk or dickhead drunk. Btw I have never been as bad as your husband but I do believe it's the alcohol.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 23/10/2021 19:38

What's he sorry for if he doesn't remember what he said?

Don't let him fob you off with that bollocks. Sit him down and tell him absolutely everything he said and did. I'd be telling him that this is looking like a case of like father like son and you will not take that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/10/2021 19:38

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno

He needs to stop drinking alcohol.
Along with a lot of other things. Which he has to suggest and he has to do.

I'd also ask him to leave for a while so you can think properly.

I'm so sorry. Flowers

Theunamedcat · 23/10/2021 19:38

Did anyone witness him screaming at you?

SleepingBunnies21 · 23/10/2021 19:39

@mummypig1234

DS is 3.5. No this hasn't happened before but he barely drinks. Odd time he goes to the pub with a couple of friends and has 3-4 pints. Yesterday he was drinking all day. Beer, wine, spirits, shots.
The best, absolutely best case scenario here, is that he agrees to not drink; but I'd hate to see you in a position where he breaks this (even if it's very occasional) and you're in the place you were last night again, with two young kids.

His background is worrying; like maybe those values have been instilled, regardless of it not being something that's cropped up before.

He is a nasty drunk.

Nasty drunks need to not drink.

I'd be of the opinion however that nothing comes out that isn't in there at some level though.