DH drunk last night and aggressive

[Mummypig1234]

Hey. I've name changed for this as I'm embarrassed. Don't even know what I want from this post.

Went to a wedding yesterday with DH. It was a great day until the end. I'm 13 weeks pregnant so I was driving. I started to tell him from approx 12am that I wanted to go home as I was tired and we had a 1 hr journey home. I usually am In bed sleeping at 10pm every night at the minute. So had previously discussed that it would be likely that we would need to leave wedding early.

Anyway DH was quite drunk. Didn't want to leave. Continued to talk to various ppl (family wedding on his side). Then agreed he was coming but was getting a bit snappy. Then decided he wanted to say goodbye to other various ppl. It was after 1am at this stage. I snapped at him and said I am exhausted and just want to go home.

As we were walking out of the wedding reception he launched a tirade of foul mouthed abuse at me. Basically telling me to "shut the f up you f dick". Shouting at me to shut my mouth up. You get the picture. He was looking at me with what I can only describe as pure hatred. I just felt so shocked and blindsided. He's usually so placid and we never argue. I was shaking as we walked back to the car. He refused to give me the car keys saying that I didn't need them (keys only need to be in the car for the engine to switch on) as I think he thought I would drive off and leave him. His parents were at the wedding and I was indeed tempted to drive off and leave him to go home with them to their house for the night.

I said "I can't believe you just spoke to me like that". He started demanding to know what exactly he had said and when. That he didn't know I'd wanted to go home since 12. Still swearing a lot. Then said he didn't remember shouting at me. I gave up trying to reason with him and went silent. He kept trying to talk to me and I just ignored him and turned the radio up. He turned it off. Then kept trying to grab my hand to apologise. I said well talk about this tomorrow as you're drunk.

We got home and I went straight upstairs to get ready for bed. I got it in DSs bed as he wasn't home. DH came busting in to the room loudly declaring that he would be sleeping beside me, shoving me over roughly in the bed. I got up and went to our own bed. Same thing ensued. I ask that he leave me alone and that I didn't want to share a bed with him after what had happened. He blocked me trying to get past him out the door. I told him he was bullying me and he then let me past.

This morning he came in to DSs room and got in to bed beside me wakening me up. Telling me how sorry he is etc etc. that he doesn't remember what he said.

I've been so upset all day, barely able to eat, feeling sick. Am I being dramatic? Is it pregnancy hormones? I don't even want to look
at him. I felt so intimidated by him last night and I just think surely a person doesn't speak to someone they like never mind love like that? my head is fried.

@billy1966 I'm over 13 weeks now.

@AnEpisodeOfEastenders thank you you've given me a giggle

Gosh, thanks for posting @AnEpisodeOfEastenders.

OP being pregnant & asking her DH to respect the agreement he has already made with her to leave at an agreed time means she is a NAG.

Therefore her being shouted at, browbeaten, & intimidated in her own home is absolutely fine, & she should simply stop asking for her needs to be met in future.

Yeah, that'll fix it.

@AnEpisodeOfEastenders

"we were walking out of the wedding reception he launched a tirade of foul mouthed abuse at me. Basically telling me to "shut the f up you f dick". Shouting at me to shut my mouth up. You get the picture. He was looking at me with what I can only describe as pure hatred. I just felt so shocked and blindsided. He's usually so placid and we never argue. I was shaking as we walked back to the car. He refused to give me the car keys saying that I didn't need them (keys only need to be in the car for the engine to switch on) as I think he thought I would drive off and leave him. His parents were at the wedding and I was indeed tempted to drive off and leave him to go home with them to their house for the night.

I said "I can't believe you just spoke to me like that". He started demanding to know what exactly he had said and when. That he didn't know I'd wanted to go home since 12. Still swearing a lot. Then said he didn't remember shouting at me. I gave up trying to reason with him and went silent. He kept trying to talk to me and I just ignored him and turned the radio up. He turned it off. Then kept trying to grab my hand to apologise. I said well talk about this tomorrow as you're drunk.

We got home and I went straight upstairs to get ready for bed. I got it in DSs bed as he wasn't home. DH came busting in to the room loudly declaring that he would be sleeping beside me, shoving me over roughly in the bed. I got up and went to our own bed. Same thing ensued. I ask that he leave me alone and that I didn't want to share a bed with him after what had happened. He blocked me trying to get past him out the door. I told him he was bullying me and he then let me past."

A bit snappy?🙄

@Mummypig1234

Just think hard about what is best for you long term and for the child you have.

I am so sorry that this is as hard as it is, but a cool head where you focus on what is best for you, is what is needed.

This is abuse - he didn't know what he'd said but obviously remembered he'd been badly behaved because he can to apologise for something he couldn't remember. He's gaslighting you - it never happened. Next thing you know you will have post natal depression. Tell you GP about this and your midwife. Even if this is a one off its unacceptable.

This morning i asked him to leave for a few days. He replied "but why?"

Failed at the first hurdle, didn't he? Minimising as soon as he could. I'm so sorry OP.

I think he was aware enough not to do it in front of others. Which makes it even worse

Yes, he clearly was.

Don't forget that point.

Also - he remembered, as he woke you up to start his sorrying and backtracking. You didn't have to remind him.

If you tolerate this once, that is the boundary crossed.

That much is definitely true.

LTB is the best option, but I can understand that it seems completely out of character.

What I would do to start with is tell people. His parents, your parents.

Go to yours with DS for a couple of nights at least.

Yes, it will change their percetion of him.

That's needed. First thing you instantly do - bring it out into daylight.

Cause a ruckus. Don't cover for him.

Then think what you want to do.

Go to theirs - your parents - I mean

@AnEpisodeOfEastenders

Sounds like you were just being a bit naggy - I'm sure he knew you wanted to leave and he was saying his goodbyes to various people but this takes time. If you're telling him over and over that you want to leave, and he's trying to say goodbye to all his family then all you're doing is slowing him down. As usual though you've got the typical 'leave him' responses.

I can only assume you have thankfully never been on the receiving end of abuse and hopefully never will be.

Has he agreed to leave?

DA can start at any time, most of us have had rows with our SO but the aggression is a red card. As is the convenient “ooh my memory’s a blank”. Of course it is, sober enough to keep the car keys in his hand but drunk enough to have memory loss? Okey dokey.

Men do become their fathers, mines started to hover when I load the dw but it’s not on the LTB scale that yours is.

@Mummypig1234

Yea I have told him I can't unsee what I seen. He text earlier asking that I come home as I need to rest apparently. I've just ignored it. Not sure about rethinking the pregnancy although I could really be doing without it without it right now. I'm in NI so not easily accessible after 10weeks (I think)

OP I am so sorry you are having to deal with this now.

I would send him one text telling him to stop bothering you about "resting" because you know they are empty words. He didn't care at all about you being tired when he called you a "fucking dick", when he shoved you about in your own bed, when he followed you, refused to leave you alone, and when he physically barred you from trying to get away. And that you will speak to him when you are ready and not before.

I said "I can't believe you just spoke to me like that". He started demanding to know what exactly he had said and when

I don't think he forgot what he said at all. I think he knew exactly what he said. He certainly knew WHEN he said it, he'd just said it, but was demanding "evidence".

He was challenging her to go over it as part of an aggressive argument. So that he could argue with her about her recollection and dismiss it and say "Oh that's not what I said" or "You are over reacting, I didn't say anything of the sort, I meant x y z"

So that he could throw the blame back onto her and pull her into the aggressive argument by cross examining her and arguing with her over everything she recounts him as saying. This would drive the argument forward with him as a the falsely accused "innocent" party so that he's got her participating in the argument and can counter accuse her.
He knew exactly what he said. He'd been thinking it after all and he wasn't so drunk that he couldn't follow her around the house in a threatening manner.
It probably made him angrier that she didn't give a list of what he'd said and didn't play that game.

Funny how he didn’t care about you getting any rest after the wedding when he would now allow you to sleep alone as you requested.

Yeah and he'd already kept her up, pregnant, til at least 2am (1am at the wedding venue) with an hour's drive; before he even started repeatedly interrupting her sleep, jostling her in bed etc.

I’m sorry this happened to you. I had a similar episode with my very placid husband after he had been drinking whiskey with a family member. I told him he was never to drink spirits again or I’d leave. He hasn’t and it has never happened again. Hope you get things sorted x

I'm sadly not remotely surprised to hear this is in NI; obviously it can and does happen everywhere, but I've seen similar in the older and younger generation, there's an attitude to drinking and to women that results in behaviour like this.

That is not any statement at all that it should be tolerated or minimised, quite the opposite.

He started demanding to know what exactly he had said and when

Sounds like the beginning of a denial, minimisation, manipulation etc exercise but; youncoulf respond that having to ve told by other people what you said and did - due to your alcohol intake and resulting state - is a clear indication that you should not drink. And what dies he think is the correct thing to here?

(What does he think us the correct thing to do here)

Telling me how sorry he is etc etc. that he doesn't remember what he said

Why was he apologising if he didn't remember what he'd said then?
He knows exactly what he's said and done.
Don't fall for his shit

I have to ask. Is he a drinker? Does he go to the pub/bar with friends? Or is he a light social drinker?
Science shows that alcohol is an effective drug that lowers inhibitions and allows deep thoughts to become words and actions.
I'm so sorry it happened to you. Perhaps he is disconcerted by your pregnancy, you are "not the girl he knew", some men are literally frightened by a pregnancy and feel they have "lost" the lady they had before.
In any case it wouldn't hurt to think of couples therapy, unless his drinking is a major part of who he is, in that case then his doctor needs to be involved.

Insist he goes away, don’t let him drag his feet on this. You need space to think.

For those asking, I can't go to my parents. It would be made in to a joke (wish I was joking about that). I don't have anywhere else to go.

He's still here. I've come in and sorted dinner for DS and I. Haven't spoken to him. Came upstairs and there's a two page letter waiting on me. I read it quickly then put it back as if I haven't read it. Basically one big apology, how ashamed he is, how much he loves me etc

He's a social drinker only. Will go to the local pub with friends once a month/every 6 weeks but only has a few pints. Will have the odd glass or two of red wine on a Saturday night. That's it. Def doesn't have a drink problem.

You don't have to drink regularly to have problem drinking. If one incident of drinking uncovered some abusive tendency then he needs to not drink until he's fully processed his trauma.

And none of that is your job.

If you make the wise choice to end your marriage this pregnancy is better ended

Op may be past the time for anything other than tfmr etc. but I can tell you as someone from here that if she has a termination and ends the relationship, her h will probably tell everyone (well the families at least) and many people will consider her to be concentrated evil, unnatural etc etc. He will be able to portray her as unstable, mentally ill, immoral etc.

Op would have to deal with that and it wouldn't be easy to relocate with a 3.5 yr old child, away frim.the father.

This area is still in the iron grip of the two main churches. Terminations are not done openly. A termination by a married mum would be considered beyond the pale. The only people who'd be "tolerated" having terminations would be young, unmarried, immature women.... and even then many people would consider it morally wrong. He young women would still have their reputations tainted by it, if known.The clinics here are protested outside pretty much all the time.

It shouldn t be the case, but there is virtually nothing that would give ops h more ammunition against her now and going forward than her having a termination.

Maybe that should be irrelevant but unfortunately it isn't.