DH drunk last night and aggressive

[Mummypig1234]

Hey. I've name changed for this as I'm embarrassed. Don't even know what I want from this post.

Went to a wedding yesterday with DH. It was a great day until the end. I'm 13 weeks pregnant so I was driving. I started to tell him from approx 12am that I wanted to go home as I was tired and we had a 1 hr journey home. I usually am In bed sleeping at 10pm every night at the minute. So had previously discussed that it would be likely that we would need to leave wedding early.

Anyway DH was quite drunk. Didn't want to leave. Continued to talk to various ppl (family wedding on his side). Then agreed he was coming but was getting a bit snappy. Then decided he wanted to say goodbye to other various ppl. It was after 1am at this stage. I snapped at him and said I am exhausted and just want to go home.

As we were walking out of the wedding reception he launched a tirade of foul mouthed abuse at me. Basically telling me to "shut the f up you f dick". Shouting at me to shut my mouth up. You get the picture. He was looking at me with what I can only describe as pure hatred. I just felt so shocked and blindsided. He's usually so placid and we never argue. I was shaking as we walked back to the car. He refused to give me the car keys saying that I didn't need them (keys only need to be in the car for the engine to switch on) as I think he thought I would drive off and leave him. His parents were at the wedding and I was indeed tempted to drive off and leave him to go home with them to their house for the night.

I said "I can't believe you just spoke to me like that". He started demanding to know what exactly he had said and when. That he didn't know I'd wanted to go home since 12. Still swearing a lot. Then said he didn't remember shouting at me. I gave up trying to reason with him and went silent. He kept trying to talk to me and I just ignored him and turned the radio up. He turned it off. Then kept trying to grab my hand to apologise. I said well talk about this tomorrow as you're drunk.

We got home and I went straight upstairs to get ready for bed. I got it in DSs bed as he wasn't home. DH came busting in to the room loudly declaring that he would be sleeping beside me, shoving me over roughly in the bed. I got up and went to our own bed. Same thing ensued. I ask that he leave me alone and that I didn't want to share a bed with him after what had happened. He blocked me trying to get past him out the door. I told him he was bullying me and he then let me past.

This morning he came in to DSs room and got in to bed beside me wakening me up. Telling me how sorry he is etc etc. that he doesn't remember what he said.

I've been so upset all day, barely able to eat, feeling sick. Am I being dramatic? Is it pregnancy hormones? I don't even want to look
at him. I felt so intimidated by him last night and I just think surely a person doesn't speak to someone they like never mind love like that? my head is fried.

Well his dad is a recovered alcoholic. I think they had a hard upbringing with him being drunk and abusive. From what I can see now his dad is grumpy and emotionally abusive towards MIL. DH is never grumpy and would never argue with me. He's usually very pleasant and laidback. Doesn't get annoyed about anything. Patience of a saint with DS. I'm not excusing him. I just think this is why I feel so shocked

Your post makes my heart race tbh.
How awful for you, hope you’re ok .
How can you ever trust him again?
Are you aware that abusers often strike for the first time when their partners are pregnant?
Then generally, I’m sorry to say, it escalates.

Please leave him. I'd rare to say LTB but he will kill you this one -chasing you and pushing and hitting you (you are minimising it) he could have caused a car crash or a miscarriage or your death. Never mind terrified you. Please confide in your parents / friends and return accompanied -to pack a bag. Don't look back.

No, no one seen him shouting at me. We were just outside the main function room when he started. I think he was aware enough not to do it in front of others. Which makes it even worse

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You are also not a rehab center for some badly raised man.

Your husband is similar to his father and that is what he learnt about relationships when he was growing up. Are his parents still together? If so, do not do what she did I,e stay with her own abuser.

You mention DS was not home, was he with another relative?.

You will soon have another child. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Like practically all abusers he can be nice sometimes but that is really the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. His apology for what it is, is meaningless. He needs to leave and if you at all feel unsafe like this you need to call the police.

Pregnancy and or birth can be flashpoints for abusers to further exert power and control on their chosen target.

I would seriously now consider your future within this marriage because this is who he is and he (like his father) will not change. Do inform your midwife and GP about this most recent incident. I would also consider seeking legal advice going forward re separation and divorce. You do not have to act on this immediately but knowledge is power.

Yeah very convenient to not remember isn't it. That one isn't washing with me

This is how it starts. Do you think MIL wasn’t shocked when his dad started to slowly ramp up the abuse ?

He is not special. Your reaction is not special. The whole situation is domestic abuse 101. He will apologise now. Then do it again.

I’m pretty relaxed but this sounds awful. Sorry Op

His actions towards you were deliberate in intent and designed to undermine you. He knows exactly what he was doing here.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

You need to plan your exit now from this relationship with due care.

Oh and you were kind enough, pregnant to drive him home? If the shoes was on the other foot how would you behave?

I think you need to be very blunt with him at this point - tell him the 'I don't remember' is complete bollocks and see what his reaction is. If he gets angry and defensive then you have your answer.

He is a very nasty drunk who assaulted his pregnant wife.

The absolute worst thing you could do now is play this down.

This would be a dealbreaker for a lot of women.

There is no coming back from this behaviour.

I think you should ask him to move out while you think.

You need to have space to fully absorb what has occurred.

Do you wish to continue being married to a thug?

Because he is a thug.

Do you wish to continue with this pregnancy?

I think you should call Womens Aid and ask their advice.

Domestic violence starts with incidents like this.

Is this what you want for your son?

Tell your parents what happened.

This is not your shame.

This is 100% him.

Trust is a very delicate thing and the bottom line is, he has shown you a very clear side of his personality that is thugish.

You can never unsee what he has done.

This is NOT for YOU to fix.

He needs to leave your home and put it all on him to try and fix.

Tell your midwife that your husband assaulted you.

You need supporting.

Tell family and friends.

Shine a light on what HE did.

I am so sorry.

You must be so shocked.

Keep posting.

Noticeable how he was soo drunk when leaving but aware enough to keep the keys, and not hand them over to you (thereby sort of holding you hostage) so he'd get his life home home the wife and not have to go back into the wedding reception and ask for a lift from his parents, and have it known that you'd left without him and some kind of fallout had occurred (which lets face it, with a drunk man and a sober pregnant partner af 1 in the morning, noone would be really bamboozled as to what might have happened and who was at fault)

Aware and not too drunk to figure that out and "hostage" you with the car keys (and be aware the car would still start with them in his possession).

*lift back home

Tell family and friends.

I can imagine wity his Dad being a recovered alcoholic who abused (and perhaps still abuses his wife in a different way) you're not going to get much sense of support from that quarter, lots of minimisation I'd imagine

This is the sort of shit my ex would pull when he was drunk, and weaponised the "I can't remember" excuse to the extent where I was portrayed as the unreasonable one for being hurt by it.

Clearly I'm bringing a whole bucket of my own issues to your question, but you're not being unreasonable to be upset - and there's a strong chance that this behaviour will get worse. I'm not saying LTB but definitely confide in your friends and family, don't let yourself be isolated by him.

Correct @SleepingBunnies21. My own family wouldn't understand it either.

If he doesn't remember why is he apologising

Your husband is c**t & I would have thrown a cup of tea at him. He's fucking horrible & inconsiderate. 💕

He sounds awful
You were generous and offered to drive with a pre stated request that you will need to leave early
He gets pissed keeps you late, shouts at you the ignores your request for space
Clearly your requests and wishes mean nothing and he can do what he likes
Not taking any care of his pregnant wife
Sadly you now know where you stand in his priority list

I would be leaving him as soon as possible. No way would I ever put up with this from ANY man. The first time is the last time. No second chances.

Nothing can move forward until he admits what he did, questions how he got to that place and seek help- until that point, look after yourself!

Why wouldn’t your own family understand this either?. Sometimes family can be over invested so a forum like this can be more helpful anyway.

The relationship is over. He has destroyed it. If you let things go back to normal it will happen again.

The following from room to room made my heart race. My exH was the same during my last pregnancy. I left him finally when my youngest was 6....all those years but that was 2 years ago and it was the best decision I've ever made. And when I was packing to leave hum, he followed me from room to room then as well...spitting in my face. Please leave as it won't get better 💚