DH drunk last night and aggressive

[Mummypig1234]

Hey. I've name changed for this as I'm embarrassed. Don't even know what I want from this post.

Went to a wedding yesterday with DH. It was a great day until the end. I'm 13 weeks pregnant so I was driving. I started to tell him from approx 12am that I wanted to go home as I was tired and we had a 1 hr journey home. I usually am In bed sleeping at 10pm every night at the minute. So had previously discussed that it would be likely that we would need to leave wedding early.

Anyway DH was quite drunk. Didn't want to leave. Continued to talk to various ppl (family wedding on his side). Then agreed he was coming but was getting a bit snappy. Then decided he wanted to say goodbye to other various ppl. It was after 1am at this stage. I snapped at him and said I am exhausted and just want to go home.

As we were walking out of the wedding reception he launched a tirade of foul mouthed abuse at me. Basically telling me to "shut the f up you f dick". Shouting at me to shut my mouth up. You get the picture. He was looking at me with what I can only describe as pure hatred. I just felt so shocked and blindsided. He's usually so placid and we never argue. I was shaking as we walked back to the car. He refused to give me the car keys saying that I didn't need them (keys only need to be in the car for the engine to switch on) as I think he thought I would drive off and leave him. His parents were at the wedding and I was indeed tempted to drive off and leave him to go home with them to their house for the night.

I said "I can't believe you just spoke to me like that". He started demanding to know what exactly he had said and when. That he didn't know I'd wanted to go home since 12. Still swearing a lot. Then said he didn't remember shouting at me. I gave up trying to reason with him and went silent. He kept trying to talk to me and I just ignored him and turned the radio up. He turned it off. Then kept trying to grab my hand to apologise. I said well talk about this tomorrow as you're drunk.

We got home and I went straight upstairs to get ready for bed. I got it in DSs bed as he wasn't home. DH came busting in to the room loudly declaring that he would be sleeping beside me, shoving me over roughly in the bed. I got up and went to our own bed. Same thing ensued. I ask that he leave me alone and that I didn't want to share a bed with him after what had happened. He blocked me trying to get past him out the door. I told him he was bullying me and he then let me past.

This morning he came in to DSs room and got in to bed beside me wakening me up. Telling me how sorry he is etc etc. that he doesn't remember what he said.

I've been so upset all day, barely able to eat, feeling sick. Am I being dramatic? Is it pregnancy hormones? I don't even want to look
at him. I felt so intimidated by him last night and I just think surely a person doesn't speak to someone they like never mind love like that? my head is fried.

XH was a nasty drunk. Really nasty. There was the shouting, the verbal abuse, the looks of pure hatred, shoving, threats and items being trashed/smashed up. He never remembered what he was like the day after. I tried to hide it from the kids. I thought that if I only did x/y/z, or was a better wife/person, things would get better. I thought that if he could only get help to stop drinking, things would get better. They didn't, because he didn't WANT to stop drinking or address the drink problem he had.

I wish I finished things years before we actually did split. I literally now get shaky/frightened when I smell certain alcoholic drinks, and I am very wary about going to pubs/bars or being around people who drink (i.e. I have to really know and trust them, or I'll be shaky and on edge the whole time).

Don't be me. If he doesn't own it and agree to properly address this, then run like hell. He can make the step to avoid alcohol (if it turns him evil), but only if he wants to do this.

At the risk of hyperbole, he also inflicted/forced a drive on you that was potentially dangerous at worst, extremely stressful at best; tired, pregnant, having to drive an hour in the early hours, and having just been severely verbally abused by her and frightened by her very drunk, previously aggressive in manner passenger, who could have repeated si.ilar behaviour in the car.

He shouldn't have put you in that position by hostaging the keys (and not watching his drink intake or the time in the first place) let alone all the harassment back at your house.

*by him

Sorry I changed case from you to her in that post without realising.

Best case scenario; thus man can't drink, abd sticks to that.

Bit I'd still be aware of the possibility of in vino veritable. And I wonder if there's anything similar to this poster's comment about her mean drunk colleague;

"...Then in the office, seeing her in new light, I realized she was always manipulative and controlling and mean, but it was more subtle and could be excused away each time."

His bsckground/upbringing also rings alarm bells in terms of learned values etc.

And behaved like an utter, utter Twat.

I would not describe his behaviour as twattish tbh.

*in vino veritable, that was meant to be, obviously

Uugh I give up with autocorrect

Perhaps the two of you could attend counselling?
It would signal to him that this episode was truly unacceptable; it would allow you to address both your backgrounds and unconscious scripts; and help to plan out how your family is going to be when your next child arrives along.

This is NOT twatish behaviour.

He was a violent, abusive thug who threatened, intimated, bullied and assaulted his pregnant wife.

He is a thug and now she knows.

He has changed how she will see him forever.

There is NO unseeing and unhearing what occurred.

The poor OP is in understandable shock.

But she will realise sooner or later that he has IMO irreparably damaged their marriage.

I hope she finds the courage to ask him to leave, rethinks her pregnancy and starts to think about protecting her son from a childhood like his father's, that has brought him to this place.

Perhaps the two of you could attend counselling?

Counselling where there is abuse is not recommended

@Libelula21

Perhaps the two of you could attend counselling? It would signal to him that this episode was truly unacceptable; it would allow you to address both your backgrounds and unconscious scripts; and help to plan out how your family is going to be when your next child arrives along.

Since op has not abused her partner, and he has; joint counselling is not recommended.

He, the perpetrator, for lack of a less CSI word, could attend counselling, but that might be used as a manipulation tactic on op.

Op.cpuld also obviously attend counselling separately to help her with her decisions moving forward; in terms of her relationship
/marriage, it's certainly devastating for her to see this after 8 years.

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

When you described him following you around shoving you and getting into bed beside you I literally had a panic response. He sounds utterly terrifying and horrendous. How old is DS? Has he ever behaved like this before? Does he have a drink problem? I think he needs to leave for a while to give you some space to think.

I had the same response too. It's absolutely horrifying.

There is the pattern of behaviour that you need to look out for:

Deny
Deny
Admit reluctantly
Minimise
Blame
Blame some more
Says it says childhood
Threatens
Promises to change
Breaks promise
Cries
Blames
Threaten suicide
Goes off with another woman

I’ve been in this scenario many a time sadly, including while pregnant it started as occasionally and now it is a regular occurrence, my advice is to nip this in the bud now, behaviour like this is never acceptable and he needs to understand that it will have consequences.
It is definitely not an overreaction on your part.

Also OP think about even this morning with all his apologies: 'he got into bed beside me waking me up'

He returned to the very place you told him to leave, and woke you up/disturbed your sleep again, to serve his own needs (the gratification of an apology)

What a distressing evening. Its worrying that his dad is an alcoholic, it often follows in families. My now xh is an alcoholic and we had a similar incident on the way back from a wedding. It was a mid week wedding and he used to get panic attacks when driving sometimes so I agreed to drive even though it was my friend. He got battered and was nasty when I told him it was time to leave. I hated that whole drive home and was so glad to escape to work the next day (he of course failed to make it to his work). I didn't leave and I wish I had. He gradually got worse and of course he couldn't remember events when he was drunk. He blocked my way out of rooms, pushed me, held his fist above me, called me crazy and eventually tried to kill me. He never got help, he doesn't accept he is an alcoholic. I have ptsd but being a single mother gives me far more peace than being with him and his drinking. He has broken your trust. Don't be me, act quickly, go hard, accept no excuses. Remember good people don't act like this when they get very drunk. I know lots of people who are happy or sleepy drunks. Alcohol is never an excuse for violence. I wish you the best

Good point @yellowpigeons.

This is NOT a good man.

He is abusive and I bet if you look closely at his behaviour, other things may now strike you as similarly disrespectful of you.

For such an unprovoked, sustained attack on you to come out of nowhere is really shocking.

He was able to walk, he was drunk, not unconscious on the ground.

He knows well how he behaved, he just a bog standard lying bully, who isn't man enough to own what he did.

@mummypig1234

I don't know what to do. I just want to curl up in a ball in the corner and cry. Today I threw on some leggings and a jumper and left the house and went walking. Found a bench in a quiet area and just sat there. Then went to my parents to pick up DS. Took him to shopping centre to kill an hour. I know his dad has a history of being abusive towards his mum especially when he was drinking. I just don't want to believe my usually lovely husband is the very same. I've been with him 8 years.

I know his dad has a history of being abusive towards his mum especially when he was drinking.

I'm sorry OP. Quite often with these types of men, the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. It's not all to do with upbringing either. Some of it is ingrained. I would find him quite intimidating. He's apologetic now but when he starts getting used to the rhythm of arguing and making-up, he will most likely feel less apologetic over time and it will become normal for your marriage too.

@Buildingthefuture

He was hammered. And behaved like an utter, utter Twat. There is no doubt that his behaviour was abusive and completely unacceptable. However, if this is the first and only time in 8 years that this had happened I don’t think I would just leave. I would sit him down and explain the full impact of his appalling actions. I would boot him out for a period and see how he reacts. If he is truly remorseful, makes absolutely NO excuses and agrees NEVER to get so pissed again, I would probably give him another chance (only 1 though!) If he minimises, blames you, tries to rug sweep, he needs to go. Whilst I agree with PP in that abuse normally escalates, it does NOT normally appear after 8 years in a totally harmonious relationship, there are massive reg flags and incidents WAY before that (and I speak from experience!)

Agree with this. Hopefully he’ll be able to own how horrible his behaviour was. Good sign that he’s generally not an emotionally abusive person. Keep your eyes and ears open for sure.

@yellowpigeons

Also OP think about even this morning with all his apologies: 'he got into bed beside me waking me up'

He returned to the very place you told him to leave, and woke you up/disturbed your sleep again, to serve his own needs (the gratification of an apology)

True.

You gave to wonder if this is one of those situations it's very easy to get into where you think a relationship/person is good, but you've actually got rose tinted glasses on, especially if you come from a family background of dysfunction, and you're not realising what lots of "little" things say aboit them and the relationship dynamic.

(I mean how things have been up to this incident).

I'm sorry OP. Quite often with these types of men, the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree. It's not all to do with upbringing either. Some of it is ingrained.

I've come to think there is some nature as well as nurture in behaviour like this.

An wxtrene example but my friend went out with a guy whose father had murdered his mother, it happened when he was a child, he was fostered i believe, and spent time with siblings when they were old enough, I don't know about the dynamic in the foster family, I'm unaware of it being bad ..... But the main things I noticed as my friend started getting involved with him, were that he became controlling quite quickly, that he was a member if quasi military organisations and somewhat fixated on weapons, that he had extreme political beliefs/affiliations & cultural prejudices, and that he said something very disturbing and cavalier about his children's lives (what he would give them for; he didn't appear to consider they weren't his to give).

Was this all coincidental to his parentage (or the result of his traumatic background or the foster home)?; I don't know.

(Thankfully my friend got increasinglg freaked out and didn't continue seeing him).

(This is obviously an extremely example but it, among other things, has made me wonder about possible genetic factors in violent & abusive tendencies etc. I mean, predisposition to things like addiction and even infidelity are increasingly thought to have genetic factors).