DH drunk last night and aggressive

[Mummypig1234]

Hey. I've name changed for this as I'm embarrassed. Don't even know what I want from this post.

Went to a wedding yesterday with DH. It was a great day until the end. I'm 13 weeks pregnant so I was driving. I started to tell him from approx 12am that I wanted to go home as I was tired and we had a 1 hr journey home. I usually am In bed sleeping at 10pm every night at the minute. So had previously discussed that it would be likely that we would need to leave wedding early.

Anyway DH was quite drunk. Didn't want to leave. Continued to talk to various ppl (family wedding on his side). Then agreed he was coming but was getting a bit snappy. Then decided he wanted to say goodbye to other various ppl. It was after 1am at this stage. I snapped at him and said I am exhausted and just want to go home.

As we were walking out of the wedding reception he launched a tirade of foul mouthed abuse at me. Basically telling me to "shut the f up you f dick". Shouting at me to shut my mouth up. You get the picture. He was looking at me with what I can only describe as pure hatred. I just felt so shocked and blindsided. He's usually so placid and we never argue. I was shaking as we walked back to the car. He refused to give me the car keys saying that I didn't need them (keys only need to be in the car for the engine to switch on) as I think he thought I would drive off and leave him. His parents were at the wedding and I was indeed tempted to drive off and leave him to go home with them to their house for the night.

I said "I can't believe you just spoke to me like that". He started demanding to know what exactly he had said and when. That he didn't know I'd wanted to go home since 12. Still swearing a lot. Then said he didn't remember shouting at me. I gave up trying to reason with him and went silent. He kept trying to talk to me and I just ignored him and turned the radio up. He turned it off. Then kept trying to grab my hand to apologise. I said well talk about this tomorrow as you're drunk.

We got home and I went straight upstairs to get ready for bed. I got it in DSs bed as he wasn't home. DH came busting in to the room loudly declaring that he would be sleeping beside me, shoving me over roughly in the bed. I got up and went to our own bed. Same thing ensued. I ask that he leave me alone and that I didn't want to share a bed with him after what had happened. He blocked me trying to get past him out the door. I told him he was bullying me and he then let me past.

This morning he came in to DSs room and got in to bed beside me wakening me up. Telling me how sorry he is etc etc. that he doesn't remember what he said.

I've been so upset all day, barely able to eat, feeling sick. Am I being dramatic? Is it pregnancy hormones? I don't even want to look
at him. I felt so intimidated by him last night and I just think surely a person doesn't speak to someone they like never mind love like that? my head is fried.

Just checking you are ok, OP. I hope today’s gone better.

Is it pregnancy hormones?

No, because men can't get pregnant.

Am I being dramatic?

You really, really are not, if anything you are minimising, & that's likely due to the skewed perspective of growing up in a dysfunctional family, which I think is what you were alluding to, when you said your own folks wouldn't understand/support?

& I hope you are able to find some quiet time to call an org. like Womens Aid for advice & hand holding, & open up to a trusted friend. Abuse thrives in secrecy, & you do not need to be hiding his shame from people who will support & defend you.

Sadly, if you accept this, from a man so able to control himself that he made sure there were no witnesses, & kept you hostage to him with his key trick, you are giving a clear message that he has got away with it. And he will do it again, & you will become trapped in the classic abuse cycle of 'idealise - devalue - discard', with the good times becoming scarcer & further & further apart.

And as PP have observed - he compounded his drunken abuse by waking you up & invading your bed again this morning. That wasn't to apologise - it was to control the narrative, & you.

Please talk to people in real life & I hope you are getting some good sleep tonight

He was being a bully and the fact that he's claiming he doesn't remember is ridiculous. If he didn't remember then how would he have known to apologise in the morning?
I honestly don't know what to suggest. You've been together for 8 years without seeing that side of him so I'd like to say this is a one off and hopefully he'll learn not to drink that heavily in the future but who knows if it'll happen again or not.
My husband is the most incredible, laid back, lovely man I know and once he was so drunk that he was an arsehole to me so he vowed never to drink that much again. 3 years on and he's kept his promise and will stop after so many drinks.
Maybe see if your husband will agree to this arrangement?

Large amounts of alcohol, can make some people extremely abusive, and angry, and come out with the most foul language, and usually can't remember much about it the next day. If its a regular habit, there isn't much to look forward to in a relationship. A one off may be forgiveable.

If you want to try to salvage things, I would start with he picks alcohol or the marriage because he clearly can’t have both. You can’t force it. He has to understand what he did and be willing to take the steps to make sure it never happens again. If he isn’t, I would ask him to leave and work on himself elsewhere. You can make relationship decisions later. Please don’t stay in a house with someone who can’t handle his alcohol and chooses to continue drinking.

hey 👋🏼

Not much change here today. we had a pre arranged brunch with in laws this morning. DH asked me was I still going. I told him that i was not going to play happy families with him and if he wants an excuse to tell his mum, just to tell her the truth about what he did. He just looked at me with pound puppy dog eyes.

Anyway he took DS with him and I got some much needed sleep. I'm still very tearful. Just feel like I've lost the one person I could always rely on. I can't unsee what I saw. Have my first scan this week and it looks like I'll be going alone.

This evening they came home (he took him to the park after the brunch) and he started to prepare dinner. I told him I would sort myself out and he could sort himself. He doesn't say anything, just looks sad.

As others have pointed out I think any suggestion of how he might start to rectify this (if that is even possible) has to come from him. I think the only way of coming back from this is that he never drinks again. Even if he does this, our relationship will never be the same and I no longer trust him now anyway so what is the point. I also know that I am not his priority.

Back to work today. I'm hoping it'll be a distraction.

My friends husband is the same.
They’re still together but she made him never drink alcohol again, not even a beer.
IF you decide to stay with him, that would be my demand too after kicking him out for a few weeks so you get some space and he knows that you mean it. No man should treat his (pregnant!) wife like this and I think many would leave their DH over this incident. I would also take some space to think about whether he has been abusive to you in other aspects, like finance.

He hasn’t really taken responsibility for it and said he’s not going to drink like that again- he seems to think if he looks sad enough then you’ll forgive him. Appreciate it’s a one off but it could happen again if you accept it and move on. Have a think about what you want to do op

He doesn't say anything, just looks sad.

If he's not coming up with ways to change, he needs to leave. As opposed to what he's doing which is manipulating you into forgiving him. Don't.

‘Maybe looking sad has worked for your dad but I’m not your mum, I won’t tolerate this abusive shit, and what you need to do is convince me you will never ever ever treat me like that again. if looking sad is all youve got I had better get on with telling people we are over and why, and getting a solicitors appointment ASAP.’

Looking sad - ahhh piss off with that, completely hopeless. Don’t let him brush this under the carpet.

Ask him what he thinks needs done after this "incident" he inflicted on you.

Put it all on him.

Yeah he thinks if he plays sad puppy, you'll let it go and go on as normal.

I'm he needs to offer not to drink around you again.

That's not too extreme, that's reasonable.

I still have niggle worries for you though
, esp given his background.

It's v sad he's broken your trust and disillusioned you too, esp when your family sound crap.

This morning i asked him to leave for a few days. He replied "but why?" 🙄 so I told him he is just another selfish, abusive man...another disappointment in my life. He was down on his knees begging and pleading. Says he's so sorry and he feels terrible, im his best friend etc. I told him we are not best friends. He clearly didn't give a shit about me on Friday. I can no longer rely on him or trust him. He was looking at me with pure hatred and you don't do that to someone you love.

He said "I won't ever drink spirits again". I want him to say he won't ever drink around me again but I don't want to put the words in his mouth.

He's off work today. Begging me to phone in sick. I look terrible and didn't sleep much again last night. I told him he didn't care too much about me being tired on Friday night. I told him I want a break away from him and that's why I'm still going to work. I also pointed out that he cares much more what everyone else thinks. That's why he's ashamed to go to his mums. And I think he's afraid of me breaking down in work and telling ppl what happened.

I'm at work now. Not really fit to be here but it beats home.

OP,

I feel such genuine sympathy for you and I can only imagine how hard this is.

But I just want to impress on you that you are at one of the biggest crossroads of your life.

How you behave, what you accept, what you decide, will have a big impact on your future.

He is a thug.

That is who he is.

He terrorised and assaulted his pregnant wife.

You will NEVER forget this, because you have seen into the core of the man he is.

He cares more about appearances than he does about you.

His upset is the truth being exposed about HIM.

Please insist he leaves.

Tell him that you will involve the police if he doesn't.

The police take assaulting a pregnant woman very seriously.

The temptation will be to limp on with this marriage, but he killed your marriage friday night.

That is on him.

People get drunk.
It happens.
But abusing your partner, following your partner around, shoving them, stopping them leaving a room.....that is assault.

He has taken any feeling of being safe with him from you, and that is what has ended your marriage.

You need to reach out for support from those you trust.

Rethink this pregnancy too.

You deserve so much better than what this man has shown himself to be.

He is crying for himself, not for you.

He has had nothing to say for two days.

He is a thug.

Don't resign yourself to a life with a thug.

Your son deserves better.
You deserve better.

Womens aid is a good number to use to talk over things.

Keep posting.

@picklemewalnuts

Best case scenario, this is a one off - but you can't trust his ever getting drunk again. I think you need to tell him that it was scary, disgusting and beyond unacceptable and that he is never to get drunk again if he expects you to stay.

Lovely people can be disgusting drunks- but they mustn't get drunk again if they want people to stay around them.

Once is acceptable if it's unexpected and they make sure it can't happen twice.

I'm inclined to say the same

This is truly terrifying to read this
My abuse started at 4 weeks pregnant and got worse

I would only forgive if he gets help
Quits drinking ???

So sorry xxxx

I'm sorry you are going through all this must have been a major shock to you. His behaviour is downright despicable.

It sounds to me like you need a few days just to get some space, for things to clear out from your mind and your emotions to settle. If you can move on from this, give your self space and the chance to move on properly from the start. If your Dh can't trust himself to behave when he drinks he needs to make a promise and put some boundaries in place when it comes with his drinking - and stick to them. We all act like idiots when we are drunk but we don't all turn in to abusive, aggressive twats. He needs to make a promise, a plan going forwards and he needs to put you and his children first and make sure you are safe.

Very good post, as per usual @billy1966

@Mummypig1234

This morning i asked him to leave for a few days. He replied "but why?" 🙄 so I told him he is just another selfish, abusive man...another disappointment in my life. He was down on his knees begging and pleading. Says he's so sorry and he feels terrible, im his best friend etc. I told him we are not best friends. He clearly didn't give a shit about me on Friday. I can no longer rely on him or trust him. He was looking at me with pure hatred and you don't do that to someone you love.

He said "I won't ever drink spirits again". I want him to say he won't ever drink around me again but I don't want to put the words in his mouth.

He's off work today. Begging me to phone in sick. I look terrible and didn't sleep much again last night. I told him he didn't care too much about me being tired on Friday night. I told him I want a break away from him and that's why I'm still going to work. I also pointed out that he cares much more what everyone else thinks. That's why he's ashamed to go to his mums. And I think he's afraid of me breaking down in work and telling ppl what happened.

I'm at work now. Not really fit to be here but it beats home.

Again he has showed you who he is. Of you ever waver on leaving him, remember that hatred in his eyes. Because you are absolutely right, no one can look at someone they love like that.

He has absolutely fucked himself in the foot now.
You've seen the real him.

Be sure to tell supportive friends and family members ASAP. I wpuldbt be surprised if he tries to get his own narrative in there first otherwise. Maybe some shit about you having a breakdown or cheating.

Yea I have told him I can't unsee what I seen.
He text earlier asking that I come home as I need to rest apparently. I've just ignored it.
Not sure about rethinking the pregnancy although I could really be doing without it without it right now. I'm in NI so not easily accessible after 10weeks (I think)

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of this. He's a complete shit to be putting his pregnant partner through any of this. This is supposed to be a really special time in your life. If he remotely cared about you, he'd leave you to have some peace but he's still only thinking of himself. Stay strong

He doesn't want you to have space to think. Common abuser move btw.

I can't believe I'm saying this but, I think you should just keep the baba (if you want it). You're pretty far along and you already have a kid with him right? (Appologies if I'm wrong, i didn't double check) So theres already a tie there. If this was the first and only, i would say differently.

The only thing is you would be wise to get him out asap because it will be much harder when you are knackered from the pregnancy. Also, you need to be aware that he will attempt to guilt you with 'staying together for the kid' bs. But if anything, leaving for the child is more important. It deserves to be raised in a home where its mother isn't walking on eggshells.

If you make the wise choice to end your marriage this pregnancy is better ended.

I appreciate that isn't PC for many but my focus is on YOU and what may be best for you.

The service is offered up to 12 weeks.

Please google your local services if you need to.

You need to focus on what is best for you.

He has not got your back and I don't believe you are safe long term with this thug.

As @themadcatparade has rightly noted, he will not want you to have space, he will need you to insist on this.

Come home to rest? Yeah right. More like come home so I can mess with your head some more before people find out who I really am. Funny how he didn’t care about you getting any rest after the wedding when he would now allow you to sleep alone as you requested.

Do you have somewhere to go for the night after work? A friend, family member? Even a hotel to get space?