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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH drunk last night and aggressive

160 replies

Mummypig1234 · 23/10/2021 19:12

Hey. I've name changed for this as I'm embarrassed. Don't even know what I want from this post.

Went to a wedding yesterday with DH. It was a great day until the end. I'm 13 weeks pregnant so I was driving. I started to tell him from approx 12am that I wanted to go home as I was tired and we had a 1 hr journey home. I usually am In bed sleeping at 10pm every night at the minute. So had previously discussed that it would be likely that we would need to leave wedding early.

Anyway DH was quite drunk. Didn't want to leave. Continued to talk to various ppl (family wedding on his side). Then agreed he was coming but was getting a bit snappy. Then decided he wanted to say goodbye to other various ppl. It was after 1am at this stage. I snapped at him and said I am exhausted and just want to go home.

As we were walking out of the wedding reception he launched a tirade of foul mouthed abuse at me. Basically telling me to "shut the f up you f dick". Shouting at me to shut my mouth up. You get the picture. He was looking at me with what I can only describe as pure hatred. I just felt so shocked and blindsided. He's usually so placid and we never argue. I was shaking as we walked back to the car. He refused to give me the car keys saying that I didn't need them (keys only need to be in the car for the engine to switch on) as I think he thought I would drive off and leave him. His parents were at the wedding and I was indeed tempted to drive off and leave him to go home with them to their house for the night.

I said "I can't believe you just spoke to me like that". He started demanding to know what exactly he had said and when. That he didn't know I'd wanted to go home since 12. Still swearing a lot. Then said he didn't remember shouting at me. I gave up trying to reason with him and went silent. He kept trying to talk to me and I just ignored him and turned the radio up. He turned it off. Then kept trying to grab my hand to apologise. I said well talk about this tomorrow as you're drunk.

We got home and I went straight upstairs to get ready for bed. I got it in DSs bed as he wasn't home. DH came busting in to the room loudly declaring that he would be sleeping beside me, shoving me over roughly in the bed. I got up and went to our own bed. Same thing ensued. I ask that he leave me alone and that I didn't want to share a bed with him after what had happened. He blocked me trying to get past him out the door. I told him he was bullying me and he then let me past.

This morning he came in to DSs room and got in to bed beside me wakening me up. Telling me how sorry he is etc etc. that he doesn't remember what he said.

I've been so upset all day, barely able to eat, feeling sick. Am I being dramatic? Is it pregnancy hormones? I don't even want to look
at him. I felt so intimidated by him last night and I just think surely a person doesn't speak to someone they like never mind love like that? my head is fried.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/10/2021 20:14

You come from a background of abuse in your own family then ?

It seems your own kids don’t stand a chance if you stay in this situation. Be the one who breaks the pattern.

Original poster
Mummypig1234 · 23/10/2021 20:16

@AttilaTheMeerkat suffice it to say the dynamics of my parents relationship couldn't be described as healthy either. Even my work colleagues, all
educated women, seem to put up with awful behaviour from their husbands.

OP posts:
SleepingBunnies21 · 23/10/2021 20:17

ignores your request for space

It might sound exaggerated but he could actually have hurt op and/or baby to be; with shoving her over in a presumably single bed in her sons room, while drunk.and not aware of his strength/limb position etc.

whynotwhatknot · 23/10/2021 20:19

he instantly forgot what he said yeah right

its bollocks isnt it

SleepingBunnies21 · 23/10/2021 20:20

@mummypig1234

Correct *@SleepingBunnies21*. My own family wouldn't understand it either.
Fuck.

It can be very hard indeed to stand up for what's right/for yourself when you're surrounded by minimisation abd normalisation on all sides.

You still can though, you don't need to justify yourself to them. At lwast you're aware nons of them have a healthy mindset about this.

yellowpigeons · 23/10/2021 20:22

@KintsugiForever

The following from room to room made my heart race. My exH was the same during my last pregnancy. I left him finally when my youngest was 6....all those years but that was 2 years ago and it was the best decision I've ever made. And when I was packing to leave hum, he followed me from room to room then as well...spitting in my face. Please leave as it won't get better 💚
I wanted to say I also married a man like this who did exactly the same thing you described in the house. It is chilling. It will not get better. He may change it to different more subtle types of abuse but that same feeling will always be there. He can ruin your life. Trust your gut.
Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2021 20:25

I would end the marriage over this, with absolutely no second chances. This is who your husband really is, deep down, and there will be much more to come.

Get the hell out of there before your children are witness to this.

UnsolicitedDickPic · 23/10/2021 20:26

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

The relationship is over. He has destroyed it. If you let things go back to normal it will happen again.
Can absolutely confirm this.
yellowpigeons · 23/10/2021 20:28

And more insidiously, if you do go back you indicate to him that you can withstand/condone this. I have lived this OP.

Sakurami · 23/10/2021 20:36

Hi op. I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

I think that he needs to completely own up to what he's done and mean it. If he starts coming up with excuses then even if he can't remember he has to believe that what he said and did was completely wrong and never to be repeated.

And he can't drink.

I'm no psychologist but he seems to have defaulted to a pattern that he was familiar with growing up, when drunk.

I have blacked out whilst drunk and not remembered some hours despite seeming fairly coherent. However, I believed my friends when they told me what I said and did (plus I also had photos).

Dibble135 · 23/10/2021 20:39

If he doesn’t remember (which btw I don’t believe for a second) then he has no choice but to take your word for it because you do. Indeed you will never forget it. Don’t let him minimise it or your feelings

KintsugiForever · 23/10/2021 20:41

No one who loves you should make you feel afraid. He was conscious enough and aware enough to know what he was doing. I know it's hard and confusing and terrifying. Please put your children first; ultimately they are the reason I left because I couldn't justify bringing them up in that atmosphere anymore. They are thriving now and so happy. It is amazing how much strength you have when you need it, believe in yourself.

JacktomyDaniel · 23/10/2021 20:46

OP him being drunk, frustrated, grumpy and even unreasonable at leaving is one thing.
The way he intimidated and threatened his pregnant wife in the house is another all together. This wasn't an instant moment of rage. This was bullying and asserting control and power. I'm so sorry but I'd be wary of him forever now.

toocold54 · 23/10/2021 20:52

We all do silly things when we’re drunk and often do things that we wouldn’t normally do when we’re sober, we also don’t often know our own strength.
But there is absolutely no excuse for his behaviour last night and I would be worried that this is so unlike him.
How long have you been together?

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 23/10/2021 20:54

He's a mean drunk.

I encountered my first mean drunk in my 50's and it was a co-worker and we were out at a work function. It was utterly shocking how she flipped into this unbelievable mean hateful person lashing out abuse and insults to everyone around her. I had never seen anything like it.
Then in the office, seeing her in new light, I realized she was always manipulative and controlling and mean, but it was more subtle and could be excused away each time.

I asked her, "Are you aware you are a mean drunk?" And she said Yes, she had been told that before and she regretted her behavior but couldn't help it, she said.

So sorry you are having to deal with this now--awful awful awful.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/10/2021 20:56

@JacktomyDaniel

OP him being drunk, frustrated, grumpy and even unreasonable at leaving is one thing. The way he intimidated and threatened his pregnant wife in the house is another all together. This wasn't an instant moment of rage. This was bullying and asserting control and power. I'm so sorry but I'd be wary of him forever now.
This. I honestly think if a partner has genuinely frightened you, it's impossible to go back to how it was before. That's been my experience anyway. My partner now is someone I cannot imagine every frightening me, but if he did and I felt scared / was trapped by him physically / he didn't respect me saying no to sharing the bed etc, I would walk. Some things can't be undone. Frightening your partner, let alone your pregnant partner, is inexcusable and just not in a decent bloke IMO.

Drunk and grumpy could be in everyone. Even decent people. Drunk and frightening, not in everyone.

ClemDanFango · 23/10/2021 21:05

They’re always sorry OP. Full of ‘remorse’ and crocodile tears and also full of shit.

Original poster
Mummypig1234 · 23/10/2021 21:06

Thank you wise women of mumsnet. Going to try to get some sleep now. I feel horrible and my head is busting open.

OP posts:
Flamingo49 · 23/10/2021 21:07

OP I feel for you so much. My chest felt so tight reading this post as my ex engaged in very similar behaviour. The way he would look and speak to me, as if he genuinely hated me. The way he was completely unrepentant for his behaviour, saying he couldn't understand why I was so upset. Acting like I was crazy. If we didn't have kids I would have left a long time ago, as it was we limped on for another couple of years before we separated. But for me it was over when he saw me looking fearfully towards the door during an argument, slammed it shut and blocked my way so I couldn't leave. Awful. Please don't let this be you.

beastlyslumber · 23/10/2021 21:08

That's terrifying, OP. I'm so sorry he did that to you.

I agree with pp that this will follow a familiar pattern. He'll apologise and grovel for your forgiveness. Everything will be fine for a while. Then it'll happen again. He'll apologise again, but a little less than the first time. And it'll be a shorter time before he does it again. And so on.

What would it take for you to trust him again after this? Is he saying anything that makes you think he is willing to do what it takes? So far he has only lied and minimised.

Libelula21 · 23/10/2021 21:08

That is awful.
I really feel for you, pregnant and vulnerable, with the weight of dysfunction on both sides of the family.
Your first post was frightening.
Take care OP. Remember you and your children are precious.

SmartCar · 23/10/2021 21:09

Hes sorry but dosent remember what happened? Then how can he be sorry? Only you can decide what to do from here. But it's worrying what if he gets like that again? I know a few people if they drink a certain drink it's like they morph into a monster. I cant even smell the drinks now without wanting to disappear from whoever is drinking it.

SleepingBunnies21 · 23/10/2021 21:15

him being drunk, frustrated, grumpy and even unreasonable at leaving is one thing

He was really verbally abusive, nasty and (verbally) aggressive when leaving though too.

SleepingBunnies21 · 23/10/2021 21:18

And he was already bullying at the car when he wouldn't give op the key so she couldn't leave without him in it.

Buildingthefuture · 23/10/2021 21:33

He was hammered. And behaved like an utter, utter Twat. There is no doubt that his behaviour was abusive and completely unacceptable. However, if this is the first and only time in 8 years that this had happened I don’t think I would just leave. I would sit him down and explain the full impact of his appalling actions. I would boot him out for a period and see how he reacts. If he is truly remorseful, makes absolutely NO excuses and agrees NEVER to get so pissed again, I would probably give him another chance (only 1 though!) If he minimises, blames you, tries to rug sweep, he needs to go.
Whilst I agree with PP in that abuse normally escalates, it does NOT normally appear after 8 years in a totally harmonious relationship, there are massive reg flags and incidents WAY before that (and I speak from experience!)