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Original poster

Is my bf taking advantage - finances

330 replies

Loui98 · 23/10/2021 04:23

Hi
I have moved in with my Bf. We had an agreement that he would give me £150 a week which would cover his share of rent/bills etc. Initially he was sticking to this but he’s gradually been reducing this, saying he has no money. He commutes and spends a lot on fuel. Yesterday he took my card and I told him to only use it in an emergency (ie if he’s running low on fuel) but I’ve had a look and he’s been spending my card on alcohol and other things and hasn’t come home tonight. He has also lost his phone so I had no way of contacting him so I messaged his friend who confirmed he had been drinking and was still in his city. He gets paid weekly and got paid yesterday and no doubt he will turn up later with some Lame excuse as to why he has no money when It’s been confirmed he’s spent mine and his money on alcohol.
Before he left for work yesterday he promised he would only use my card for fuel so I can’t believe he’s gone and used it for other things. He didn’t pay any rent or contribute towards food last week as he took a few days off work and didn’t get paid. It looks like this week he will contribute nothing either. I have already lent him cash which he’s not paid back. I feel like leaving him but I don’t know if this is OTT as he has previously been giving me money towards rent and bills and although he has been reducing it he will buy food from his own money from time to time…..

OP posts:
JamieNorthlife · 23/10/2021 14:00

@Loui98

He should be here soon so I will tell him to take his stuff and go. I wonder what excuse he will come up with today
Its quicker if you pack his bags and leave them ready.
WhereYouLeftIt · 23/10/2021 14:00

@BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted

This con-artist has no access to a bank-account because he’s run up an overdraft he can’t pay back.

Hence being paid weekly in cash. How accommodating of his employer.

He hasn’t lost his phone, he’s been cut off because he’s no longer paying for service.

Not paying you what you’d agreed. Borrowing money from you which he has failed to pay back. And now abusing your card.

I think your card has been marked from the very beginning. He’s groomed you.

Please, please don’t accept whatever excuses he’ll trot out, he’s probably had years of experience doing this to soft-hearted and gullible women over and over again.

All of this ^ , plus

"The reason why I thought is it ‘OTT’ is if I kick him out he has nowhere to go. He gave up his own place to live with me, he’s moved city to be with me and he literally doesn’t have anywhere he can go…"

I suspect he did NOT gave up his own place but that he was kicked out for not paying his rent. If you think back, I'd bet you'd recall that moving in with you was first suggested by him. It might have been quite subtle, maybe a maneuvering of the conversation rather than an outright suggestion.

And with not paying for his flat (not that he did by then) he maybe was able to give you the £150. And then it was all too tempting to spend it on whatever it is he spends it on. Could be booze, could be drugs, could be gambling. I'll stop there, shall I? It could be a lot of things.

Bottom line is, this is a thirty-year-old man who is in a hole entirely through his own actions. And he is not your responsibility. Nor should he be your pet project to save, nor your exotic pet to pay for. His is an adult who needs to face up to taking responsibility for himself, and he will never do that for as long as he can find someone to finance him. Don't let that person be you. In the long run, it would destroy you both and any relationship between youSad. Best to end it now while you're still able to see what is going on.

Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 23/10/2021 14:06

He can get his stuff, get in his car and bugger off back to wherever he came from OP.

You deserve better than this Flowers

HollowTalk · 23/10/2021 14:06

He's on his way to rock bottom, OP, but if you think about it he's blamed someone or something else for every step he's taken in that direction. He'd happily take you down with him - I'm sure he likes you but he sees you as a cashpoint. He thinks you're so nice that you won't send him on his way. Prove him wrong.

I think the only thing I'd do is pay for a one-way ticket back to his mum's house - I'd do that much but nothing more. (And I wouldn't want to do that but I'd think it would get him out of the way.)

blacksax · 23/10/2021 14:08

Con artists are not normally abusive towards their victims, they are charismatic and likeable. That's how they are able to get away with swindling people for so long.

Even his own friend is telling you to jettison him. For crying out loud, dump the crook.

godmum56 · 23/10/2021 14:11

@CrystalMaisie

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
oh good one!
zinky · 23/10/2021 14:13

He can rent a room in a flat share, don't think you live in the middle of the desert.

LemonSwan · 23/10/2021 14:14

Wow hes 30!

Gets paid weekly, even when not paying rent cant fill his car for petrol, yet spends hundreds of £ a week on beer.

100% get rid. Your life with this man will be miserable.

JamieNorthlife · 23/10/2021 14:16

...but I’ve had a look and he’s been spending my card on alcohol and other things and hasn’t come home tonight. He has also lost his phone so I had no way of contacting him so I messaged his friend who confirmed he had been drinking and was still in his city.

Well, he can move to whatever place he was last night. Accommodation resolved!

ittakes2 · 23/10/2021 14:18

You need to cancel your card before he spends it all.

DoubleDenimUtopia · 23/10/2021 14:24

Get rid of him. It won't get any better.

RobertsRadio · 23/10/2021 15:01

Just cancel the card and order a new one.
Hopefully you have now packed all his stuff up outside your front door ready for him to collect.

candycane222 · 23/10/2021 15:14

Has he said how sorry he is, how he promises to change, how he doesn't deserve you but he's begging you to give him another chance? I hope not, but if he us, I really hope you aren't falling for it.

He will be feeling very very sorry, no doubt - but sorry for himself.

Oh, and when you stand firm, he may start.flinging insults your way, thus proving you were right to kick him out.

fumfspos · 23/10/2021 15:21

Get the card cancelled immediately. Never mind putting a temporary stop on it.
Yeah it's a pain in the arse but if you cancel it now you'll have a new one in a few days.

pinkyredrose · 23/10/2021 15:52

I think OP knows to cancel the card! Hope it's going ok OP.

Queenoftheashes · 23/10/2021 16:34

If it wasn’t the fact he can drive I’d think you were dating my ex. If his mate is telling you to dump him it must be even worse than it looks.

Topseyt · 23/10/2021 16:45

If he has noted down or photographed the details from your card then he may well be just waiting to give it back to you so that you unfreeze it. Then he can still continue using it online.

So you must actually cancel the card and get a new one sent. It is crucial.

fumfspos · 23/10/2021 16:55

I think OP knows to cancel the card! Hope it's going ok OP

She hadn't cancelled it though at the time of her last update. She'd put a pause on it so it can't be used any more by him. But it wasn't actually cancelled which is why a lot of people, myself included, were shouting "Cancel the Card"

MyOtherProfile · 23/10/2021 17:12

Cancel the cheque card!

Sakurami · 23/10/2021 17:45

Hi op. Please don't feel responsible for this man. He has issues and despite you offering him the chance (even unwittingly) to get his life in order, it seems he's on a self destruct mode. I don't think you can help him, if anything you'll probably enable him if you continue supporting him.

You're not his carer, parent, nurse.

Maskless · 23/10/2021 18:46

Congratulations on realising what's going on before things went too far. So many women are married with kids and a full time job and a husband laying on the sofa all day before they ask "is he a cocklodger?"

Thank you lucky stars you have on your hands only a trainee CL.

Pack his things into a suitcase. If there is too much then pack as though he were going on a holiday -- essentials only.

When he comes home give him his case and tell him it's over.

He can come for the rest of his stuff at a later date.

Ellmau · 23/10/2021 18:53

He's an alcoholic (and possibly addict?) and a user.

Dump, dump, dump.

And ask for a new bank card.

FinallyHere · 23/10/2021 19:58

I'm so sorry @Loui98 that he is acting so badly. It's not for you to worry about what happens to him, since he has abused your trust so terribly.

Cancel your card. He could easily have kept a copy of the details which he could continue to use.

Change the locks, too. YouTube will show you how to replace the barrel, so it won't cost much.

It will cost you less than he does and be much more useful. Good luck.

pompomsgalore · 23/10/2021 20:35

Has he gone yet?

Tallisimo · 23/10/2021 21:39

Glad you are getting rid. Has he gone yet?