Is my bf taking advantage - finances

[Loui98]

Hi
I have moved in with my Bf. We had an agreement that he would give me £150 a week which would cover his share of rent/bills etc. Initially he was sticking to this but he’s gradually been reducing this, saying he has no money. He commutes and spends a lot on fuel. Yesterday he took my card and I told him to only use it in an emergency (ie if he’s running low on fuel) but I’ve had a look and he’s been spending my card on alcohol and other things and hasn’t come home tonight. He has also lost his phone so I had no way of contacting him so I messaged his friend who confirmed he had been drinking and was still in his city. He gets paid weekly and got paid yesterday and no doubt he will turn up later with some Lame excuse as to why he has no money when It’s been confirmed he’s spent mine and his money on alcohol.
Before he left for work yesterday he promised he would only use my card for fuel so I can’t believe he’s gone and used it for other things. He didn’t pay any rent or contribute towards food last week as he took a few days off work and didn’t get paid. It looks like this week he will contribute nothing either. I have already lent him cash which he’s not paid back. I feel like leaving him but I don’t know if this is OTT as he has previously been giving me money towards rent and bills and although he has been reducing it he will buy food from his own money from time to time…..

You cannot have a future with him, so do not waste any more of your present.

How can he be responsible for a pet when he’s got no home, no money and no job?

@HarrisonStickle

*Yeah, you SAID you can't support him. Will you actually follow this through in deed this time?*

I don't think so. I think the OP in some strange way enjoys the attention and the drama.

People phoning her up, a boyfriend who brings a hamster home, etc etc.

I think she's more of a "oh gosh what will I do, my boyfriend's used my card and thinks I'm clever because I blocked it so he won't steal from me, and he's drunk with a hamster and I can't let him sleep on the streets" sort of poster, rather than a "I need some advice to get rid of a thieving boyfriend, please tell me what to do so that he's gone tomorrow and I never see him again" poster.

This jumped out at me for the same reasons @HarrisonStickle

my boyfriend's used my card and thinks I'm clever because I blocked it

Plus seeming similarly flattered that the dad said he knows she's too nice to put HamsterMan out on the street ...

OP, this isn't criticism, it is concern.
I really meant what I wrote upthread: if you put half the effort & headspace into therapy for your self-esteem issues, as you do into your co-dependency with HamsterMan, you could be a new woman within a year.

And then never have to go through being treated so poorly by a b/f again.
May I suggest you start here? -
www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

@pinkyredrose

Where the fuck did the hamster come from?!

I know, right @pinkyredrose!?

The Coercive Controllers Handbook needs an update, because I've seen a lot of tactics at my time o'life, but I've never seen that.

It was a spectacular piece of manipulation.
Almost as if he went & lashed the last of his boss's money out on an Emergency Stunt Hamster.

You've gotta commend his cool.
While, obviously, kicking his lying, thieving arse to the kerb.

Lol at enjoy the drama and ‘my bf brought a hamster home’ why on earth would that excite me?! I didn’t want a hamster hence why he took it with him!

So where are you at now OP?

Has he made contact, so that you are able to dump him, yet?

@Bogeyes

He is taking the piss. He will continue to take the piss and things will get worse. Get your card back. Kick him out or move out yourself. Good luck

This

Cancel your card & kick him out.

You don't have a BF, but you do have a Cocklodger. You need to find some respect for yourself as he clearly has non & sees you as a cash cow to fund his lifestyle

To clarify regarding the hamster, he had got one a couple of weeks ago.

You know you need to end it but, OP, you’ve been posting about this chap since July and apparently broke up with him then. How did he end up back in your home and what steps are you taking to ensure it doesn’t happen again?

What have your previous relationships been like to make you feel that this sort of insane behaviour merits even a moment of tolerance?

@Loui98

To clarify regarding the hamster, he had got one a couple of weeks ago.

What a coincidence. He has been paying rent just not for the last two weeks

Can't afford rent, on the way to losing his job, stealing from g/f who he's cocklodging off ... ABRACADABRA! - buy a get-out-of-jail-free hamster!

If you do let him back in (I have a feeling you will, please prove me wrong) & he manipulates you with the Hamster Defence again, kick him out but offer to keep the hamster.
He has no hamster-keeping means, he can't object to the logic. Job done.

I actually didn’t want a hamster, he is the one that wanted one and brought it in and said if I don’t warm to the hamster within x amount of time then he will find it a home elsewhere.

@ChargingBuck
“Emergency Stunt Hamster” OMG I am crying tears of laughter. That is the funniest thing I have read in a long long time!
It was worth reading the thread just for this…

@Loui98

I actually didn’t want a hamster, he is the one that wanted one and brought it in and said if I don’t warm to the hamster within x amount of time then he will find it a home elsewhere.

And he can find himself a home elsewhere too.

Does he have a key to your home? If he does, the the barrel of the locks needs to be changed. It's cheap and easy to do so, no locksmith required.

Do not let him back in or he'll just do the let me sleep on the sofa/refuse to leave crap again.

@Loui98

Lol at enjoy the drama and ‘my bf brought a hamster home’ why on earth would that excite me?! I didn’t want a hamster hence why he took it with him!

You seem to be relishing the "OMG! Really! You need to dump him" responses from us all, but not want to actually do anything.

Otherwise you'd have taken the advice to gather his belongings, put them outside and block him.

Easier said than done. He doesn’t have a phone, money etc imagine if he just decided to Kill himself or whatever. When I told him to go he was saying no one will ever have to deal with him again. I know he’s manipulative and thinking he may kill himself or whatever seems ott but you just don’t know and I don’t imagine Id be in a great place myself If he did do that.
I know that I’m not responsible for him or his behaviour and that actions have consequences but he’s put himself in such a position that he literally doesn’t hve anything and i guess that made it a bit harder to kick him out as I know he is impulsive and doesn’t think straight

For those saying I like drama etc and that’s why I’m staying with him that couldn’t be further from the truth. If I do cave in to him it’s because I’m conscious of the fact that he has nothing, last week he at least had a job, this week he has nothing. I know it’s not my problem but if something did happen to him I would blame myself…

All he has is his hamster

Why would you blame yourself? Not sniping at you, just want you to examine that thought process.

If he’s threatening to kill himself (which these sorts always seem to) then call the police. You cannot continue to make your life worse to make the life of a drug affected thief (and his hamster) better.

He has a father he could go and sponge off. He managed before you got together and he'll manage again. He won't kill himself, and even if he did, how on earth would it be your responsibility.

You have no kids, your home is yours, there is no reason whatsoever for not kicking him to the kerb. And you still choose not to. This is why people are starting to think you are enjoying the drama.

@Loui98 seriously you need to get out of this now before he brings you down with him. He has a dad who he has known a lot longer than you! If anyone has to “save” him it will have to be him. Not you!
What can you possibly see in the future with this guy?

@Loui98 if you really love him and can’t be without him to the extent you will put up with this behaviour then just own it. You won’t kick him out so what are you actually asking for help with?

So how long, OP, are you going to keep this up? A week, a month a year? Forever? Him turning up drunk whenever he needs a crash pad. Allowing him to drag you down with him.

He's not going to sort himself out - with or without your help. He's survived his addiction and chaotic life style for years. He doesn't want help and support - he wants money and a crash pad with a huge dose of pandering and sympathy. His life has been facilitated by sponging off friends and his dad, and previous gfs I bet; depending on friends to employ him and chase him up when he's late; getting fired by friends who can't deal with his irresponsibility anymore.

Do you really think they didn't try to help and support him? That they haven't been maniplated by the veiled suicide threats and sob stories? That they haven't felt this burden? Had the moral dilemma?

His dad has given up. His friends have given up. What can you do differently to them? Except take on that burden and fuck up your own life and mh! Follow their example and put yourself first.

Who said I won’t kick him out? My previous post stated that this morning after using my phone he’s gone. I was expressing the thought process behind previously allowing him to stay

Well you didn't kick him out last week did you?

[quote Stronger2021]@ChargingBuck
“Emergency Stunt Hamster” OMG I am crying tears of laughter. That is the funniest thing I have read in a long long time!
It was worth reading the thread just for this…[/quote]
Aaaaw @Stronger2021, thank you so much, happy to spread the joy. SO many PP's have made me laugh on MN today it's almost like the old days :)

Hop over to the dead dad/arse shot thread if you need more laughs -
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4387947-look-at-my-dead-dad-and-my-arse