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Original poster

Is my bf taking advantage - finances

330 replies

Loui98 · 23/10/2021 04:23

Hi
I have moved in with my Bf. We had an agreement that he would give me £150 a week which would cover his share of rent/bills etc. Initially he was sticking to this but he’s gradually been reducing this, saying he has no money. He commutes and spends a lot on fuel. Yesterday he took my card and I told him to only use it in an emergency (ie if he’s running low on fuel) but I’ve had a look and he’s been spending my card on alcohol and other things and hasn’t come home tonight. He has also lost his phone so I had no way of contacting him so I messaged his friend who confirmed he had been drinking and was still in his city. He gets paid weekly and got paid yesterday and no doubt he will turn up later with some Lame excuse as to why he has no money when It’s been confirmed he’s spent mine and his money on alcohol.
Before he left for work yesterday he promised he would only use my card for fuel so I can’t believe he’s gone and used it for other things. He didn’t pay any rent or contribute towards food last week as he took a few days off work and didn’t get paid. It looks like this week he will contribute nothing either. I have already lent him cash which he’s not paid back. I feel like leaving him but I don’t know if this is OTT as he has previously been giving me money towards rent and bills and although he has been reducing it he will buy food from his own money from time to time…..

OP posts:
SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 29/10/2021 06:55

Oh what a mess! You need to take care of yourself and put yourself first. He is not your responsibility and it is quite shitty that his dad is pushing this on to you. When he eventually turns up I wouldn't open the door, if he causes a scene call the police! Hope you are okay

pompomsgalore · 29/10/2021 07:36

Great he can go and get support from his dad now so don't feel any obligation. Get his stuff bagged ready for him to have. Be strong here

DeireadhFomhair · 29/10/2021 08:20

Oh god, it's getting worse! He's not your responsibility OP, do not take it just because his father is pushing it on you.

Lasair · 29/10/2021 09:11

Why have three separate people called you about him? Frost his friend on a night out, second his boss, and then his dad? Why on earth would his boss call you after he’s been fired? If my husband was fired no way would his boss call me. There is a bigger thing at play here he’s clearly a well known mess. Get out don’t let him talk you round…again.

Lunde · 29/10/2021 09:42

You cannot save an addict- he will just steal more money from you as his primary relationship is with alcohol.

If his dad wants him to have "support" then he can offer him a home at his place - that is what parents often do - but it sounds as though dad is trying to guilt and manipulate you into being responsible for him - even after he has stolen from you.

Do not allow him in your home - this will just get worse. You are not a rehab centre for this man. He is happy to steal from you to feed his addiction

Walnetcream · 29/10/2021 12:30

Pack his stuff and get the locks changed asap.

forrestgreen · 29/10/2021 13:16

His dad is trying to make him your problem.
He had money, it's up to him if he's spent it.
Pack his bags, leave them in the porch etc
Put a note on the door, saying you're done.
Don't let him in, you obviously have a problem saying no etc. So don't give him the opportunity to beg.
Good luck

Original poster
Loui98 · 29/10/2021 13:55

His boss called me because he is also his friend and last week when I messaged him asking where he is, that’s when he was telling me to get rid of him. So he rang me yesterday just to say that he’s let him go and that he thought he’d let me know. This friend has always been very supportive and I guess knows him quite well.

So he did turn up and I told him to go. He said he won’t go and that I’d have to drag him out. He then said he will go in the morning as he just needs somewhere to sleep for one night as he will now be homeless. Yes I know I should have called the police but when I said I will, he started getting ready to go and was being quite aggressive, but he was saying how can you call the police on me etc and was just shouting (he also brought a hamster which is in my house and he took it in his pocket and was saying he will just stay with it outside!) anyway he didn’t end up going. He just went to sleep and I was too tired to cause anything by calling police late at night. When he was getting ready to go I know this sound stupid but the way he had the hamster in his pocket and was drunk I just caved in.

This morning he used my phone to sort out a few things (was ringing banks, looking for a job etc) then he went, but I don’t know if he will return or not. I know not to answer the door

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 29/10/2021 14:06

His dad actually told me to support him and that he just needs a bit of help! He was saying he can’t bail him out anymore

Cheeky fucker 'can't' bail out his own son, so guilt trips YOU into doing it?
Can't blame him for the first bit. The second bit - stop taking this family's bullshit! You are not a hostel & cashpoint for this drunken waste of space.

What a mess

Only if you cave into it.
Like you caved last week.
If you'd stuck to your guns you'd already be rid of this man.
Instead, here you are, still enmeshed, waiting for his to come 'home', & fielding manipulative calls from his dad FFS.

When are you going to learn?
Will it be today? It's very simple - YOU JUST DON'T LET HIM BACK IN.

ChargingBuck · 29/10/2021 14:10

@Loui98

I did say to his dad that I can’t support him! And he was basically being a bit manipulative saying ‘I know you’re a nice person you wouldn’t let him be on the streets’ etc. He said his son has a problem and was truly remorseful when he went today but he would be as he needed money!
Yeah, you SAID you can't support him. Will you actually follow this through in deed this time? Are you prepared to let him be on the streets? Or are you going to fall for his tactics again "just let me in so I can apologise, it won't happen again - ooooh look SOFA! - no I'm not leaving, will you buy me some fags love?"

Also - WHY did you give the dad your number?
It's like you want to be even further enmeshed with this ridiculous family.

ChargingBuck · 29/10/2021 14:19

It's called a hang over and you let him sleep it off on your sofa after he'd stolen from you.

Succinctly put, @FOJN

I have become a little brusque in my replies OP, which I apologise for, but for crying out loud you have let yourself be played, & played, & played again.

Block his dad on your phone.
Keep your doors locked & don't let Mr Sacked into your home, ever again, FOR ANY REASON AT ALL.

It is over, you owe Mr Sacked & Mr Sacked Senior precisely fuck-all.

It really is that simple.
I didn't say easy. You obviously have some complex issues going on which have caused you to take Mr Sacked problems on & make them your responsibility. That caused you to allow a man who stole from you back into your home.
If you put half the energy you put into worrying about your 'relationship' with Mr Sacked into therapy instead, you could break clear of those issues with a year.

But it IS that simple. Block, & no more contact.

BlokeHereInPeace · 29/10/2021 14:19

You will get more support and respect from the fucking hamster.

ChargingBuck · 29/10/2021 14:23

@Lasair

Why have three separate people called you about him? Frost his friend on a night out, second his boss, and then his dad? Why on earth would his boss call you after he’s been fired? If my husband was fired no way would his boss call me. There is a bigger thing at play here he’s clearly a well known mess. Get out don’t let him talk you round…again.
Enablement. Co-dependency.

Dog knows how the Boss got OP's number, but she gave it to the dad.

iirc OP has been the go-between for Mr Sacked & his ex-boss a few times, both of them trying to establish where TF Mr Sacked has got to when he's gone on a bender or is too hungover to come in.

Lasair · 29/10/2021 14:26

HE HAD A HAMSTER IN HIS POCKET? what? I mean… what!?

Theuniverseandeverything · 29/10/2021 14:27

Did he take the hamster?

Original poster
Loui98 · 29/10/2021 14:33

I didn’t give the dad my number, he did. He has no phone atm so he gave him my number

As for how the boss got my number, he contacted off it once and he saved it and was using it to message me whenever he wanted to know where he was.

And yes! He really did have the hamster in his pocket! He just picked it up put it in his pocket and was like we are going!!! But he didn’t take it today

OP posts:
Lasair · 29/10/2021 14:34

Change the locks op before the hamster handler comes back

Original poster
Loui98 · 29/10/2021 14:39
Grin
OP posts:
Newestname002 · 29/10/2021 14:43

@ChargingBuck

It's called a hang over and you let him sleep it off on your sofa after he'd stolen from you.

Succinctly put, @FOJN

I have become a little brusque in my replies OP, which I apologise for, but for crying out loud you have let yourself be played, & played, & played again.

Block his dad on your phone.
Keep your doors locked & don't let Mr Sacked into your home, ever again, FOR ANY REASON AT ALL.

It is over, you owe Mr Sacked & Mr Sacked Senior precisely fuck-all.

It really is that simple.
I didn't say easy. You obviously have some complex issues going on which have caused you to take Mr Sacked problems on & make them your responsibility. That caused you to allow a man who stole from you back into your home.
If you put half the energy you put into worrying about your 'relationship' with Mr Sacked into therapy instead, you could break clear of those issues with a year.

But it IS that simple. Block, & no more contact.

Exactly THIS ^ OP!! The solution to this "mess" really is in your own hands.

Block his manipulative father. You owe him nothing. Recognise he IS trying to palm his problem offspring onto you!

Block his ex-boss/friend.

Pack his bags and message/text him - or his father - to collect them from outside your house (as a final kindness, maybe cover them in plastic so they don't get rained on..)

In that message tell him if he makes a nuisance outside your home by constant ringing, knocking, shouting, harassment, you'll call the police.

Block him from your phone(s) and social media

Change your locks!

Learn from this and thank your lucky stars the situation is no worse...

Strength, OP. Small pain for great gain. 🌹

HarrisonStickle · 29/10/2021 14:47

Yeah, you SAID you can't support him.
Will you actually follow this through in deed this time?

I don't think so. I think the OP in some strange way enjoys the attention and the drama.

People phoning her up, a boyfriend who brings a hamster home, etc etc.

I think she's more of a "oh gosh what will I do, my boyfriend's used my card and thinks I'm clever because I blocked it so he won't steal from me, and he's drunk with a hamster and I can't let him sleep on the streets" sort of poster, rather than a "I need some advice to get rid of a thieving boyfriend, please tell me what to do so that he's gone tomorrow and I never see him again" poster.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 29/10/2021 14:48

Change the locks, do nit let him in, do not even engage as you are not strong enough yet.

mumofone2019 · 29/10/2021 14:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster
Loui98 · 29/10/2021 14:56

I started seeing him just after New Years so yes just over 9 months. Yes I have dealt with quite a lot from him and I’m not sure why I didn’t leave him in July. I guess a major part of it back then was that when we spent time together he was great it was only afterwards and when we were apart that I discovered he was doing drugs but obv since living with him his issues have come to light more so than before and it’s apparent he has issues

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 29/10/2021 15:02

Where the fuck did the hamster come from?!

ChargingBuck · 29/10/2021 15:04

I didn’t give the dad my number, he did. He has no phone atm so he gave him my number

Apologies OP, I was convinced I'd seen you post that you'd given it to him.

Still no reason you have to remain available to him.
Block him now, & that's 1 fewer emotionally blackmailing twats you'll need to deal with.