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Original poster

Is my bf taking advantage - finances

330 replies

Loui98 · 23/10/2021 04:23

Hi
I have moved in with my Bf. We had an agreement that he would give me £150 a week which would cover his share of rent/bills etc. Initially he was sticking to this but he’s gradually been reducing this, saying he has no money. He commutes and spends a lot on fuel. Yesterday he took my card and I told him to only use it in an emergency (ie if he’s running low on fuel) but I’ve had a look and he’s been spending my card on alcohol and other things and hasn’t come home tonight. He has also lost his phone so I had no way of contacting him so I messaged his friend who confirmed he had been drinking and was still in his city. He gets paid weekly and got paid yesterday and no doubt he will turn up later with some Lame excuse as to why he has no money when It’s been confirmed he’s spent mine and his money on alcohol.
Before he left for work yesterday he promised he would only use my card for fuel so I can’t believe he’s gone and used it for other things. He didn’t pay any rent or contribute towards food last week as he took a few days off work and didn’t get paid. It looks like this week he will contribute nothing either. I have already lent him cash which he’s not paid back. I feel like leaving him but I don’t know if this is OTT as he has previously been giving me money towards rent and bills and although he has been reducing it he will buy food from his own money from time to time…..

OP posts:
BeggarsMeddle · 24/10/2021 00:52

Hope he has gone and you've cancelled your card.

Original poster
Loui98 · 28/10/2021 20:13

I didn’t update the thread, he didn’t go when he came last week. He was saying he has a bad headache and is ill and if he can stay on the sofa for a bit. I don’t know why but I caved in & then he ended up being really remorseful and basically staying

Anyway, today his boss (also his friend) called me and told me he had to get rid of him as he caught him drinking early in the morning and has already given him a warning for this last week. He told me he had enough train fare to get home plus wages for the days he’s worked this week and actually dropped him off to the station at 12pm and surprise surprise he didn’t turn up.

I just had a call off his dad saying he turned up there drunk as anything and with no money and his dad purchased a train ticket for him! I have no way of contacting him (as mentioned earlier he currently doesn’t have a phone) so I’m expecting him to turn up here very very drunk and he will most likely cause a scene. I am truly finished with him now though as his actions show he will never change

His dad actually told me to support him and that he just needs a bit of help! He was saying he can’t bail him out anymore (he was actually nc with his dad then last week when he didn’t turn up I found out he went to his dads for money and then gave him my number to contact me)

What a mess

OP posts:
Original poster
Loui98 · 28/10/2021 20:14

Oh and he told me he tried to buy cigarettes off my card (I’d already cancelled it so it didn’t go through) and found it funny I cancelled it saying ‘I thought clever bitch’. He actually had the nerve to say to me not to trust him with my card again as he can’t trust himself! Like I’d ever give him my card again!

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 28/10/2021 20:19

His dad actually told me to support him and that he just needs a bit of help!

I hope you told him that wouldn’t be happening!

Pack his stuff up and give it to him when he comes round. Don’t let him in.

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/10/2021 20:23

He’s not your problem. His dads trying to palm him off onto you for the next 40 years.

Original poster
Loui98 · 28/10/2021 20:25

I did say to his dad that I can’t support him! And he was basically being a bit manipulative saying ‘I know you’re a nice person you wouldn’t let him be on the streets’ etc. He said his son has a problem and was truly remorseful when he went today but he would be as he needed money!

OP posts:
CiderJolly · 28/10/2021 20:30

He does have a problem and yeah it’s really sad but propping him up won’t help it’ll just prolong his addiction. He needs to hit rock bottom and he needs to sort himself out. No-one can help him in the way he wants.

Lana07 · 28/10/2021 20:39

@Loui98

I did say to his dad that I can’t support him! And he was basically being a bit manipulative saying ‘I know you’re a nice person you wouldn’t let him be on the streets’ etc. He said his son has a problem and was truly remorseful when he went today but he would be as he needed money!
He is clearly alcohol-addicted if he drinks at work in the morning. He has now lost his job.

He needs to admit he has an alcohol problem, grow up and go to AAs rehab for his own health and possible happy future.

You deserve to be with a responsible man.

cakecakecheese · 28/10/2021 20:40

His Dad wants to palm him off onto you. You're not a charity. You have to put yourself first or you'll be constantly bailing him out which would be exhausting and expensive.

samwitwicky · 28/10/2021 20:53

Don't cave.

This man has problems he needs to face and fix himself. You don't owe him anything.

You deserve to have someone who treats you well, shows you respect and cares for you.

His dad is just passing him off onto you.

Get rid.

Bobbins36 · 28/10/2021 21:01

Get him off your sofa and out of your house ASAP

category12 · 28/10/2021 21:01

His dad actually told me to support him and that he just needs a bit of help!

Then why the fuck isn't his dad doing it?

LittleOwl153 · 28/10/2021 21:16

Does he have keys to your house? If he does is there anyway you can lock him out anyway? Deadlocks etc. If you can secure your property then I'd go out. Go visit a friend or something.

If you cannot secure your property then call the police. Let them know that he is very drunk and likely to be abusive and that you are scared of him. Hopefully they will intersect him or support you when he gets to you.

Do not let him in under any circumstances.

BeggarsMeddle · 28/10/2021 21:21

OP Please tell us you have got a new bank card.

FatCatThinCat · 28/10/2021 21:34

I was in your position 25 years ago OP. Take it from me, nothing you can do or say to this man will fix him. He'll lie and tell you what you need to hear to let him stay but nothing will change. Nothing. He'll promise to seek help, get a job, whatever, and he'll sound convincing, and maybe he'll even behave for a brief time. But he will always go back to his old ways, as soon as you let your guard down. It's no way to live.

Theuniverseandeverything · 28/10/2021 21:39

You need a plan for what to do when he turns up.

Jesskir89 · 28/10/2021 22:57

Wow he is taking the piss and sounds like he has a drink problem. He isn't helping himself at all but not your problem op. Hes a waste of space and for a 30 year old man he needs to grow up

TheMamaYo · 29/10/2021 01:03

This all sounds sadly familiar. His actions a d reactions are so similar to my alcoholic ex. You can’t help him, OP. Save yourself years of heartache and get out while you can. He is not your responsibility at all. By not helping him,he might face rock bottom quicker, and actually do something to help himself. Sadly, that’s the only way.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 29/10/2021 01:06

Sounds like he should be going off to rehab instead of your place!

Henio · 29/10/2021 01:12

Just to add, completely cancel your card and get a new one, he may have written down all the details

JustKittenAround · 29/10/2021 03:03

Take and take and take.

His father doesn’t pay your bills or help you. He has no say or ability to judge how you decide to move forward and if you are kind or nice.

You can’t keep doing this. You’re hurting him ultimately!!! You’re hurting this alcoholic every damn time you aid him in his downfall. Wanna talk about real love? Real love is giving him the room to get better. He won’t with you there taking all the abuse. Well.. there will come a time you’ll be brought so low… you BOTH will hit rock bottom. By the. He might find another sucker to soft land on. It happens every single day.

Also, I know this is hard. I just don’t want you to go through what I’ve seen happen to people on my own life. It’s brutal.

Longdistance · 29/10/2021 03:37

@Loui98 right, have you chucked him out yet? He needs to go. He’s not your problem and he can’t stay on your sofa. Get those locks changed too.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 29/10/2021 05:15

His Dad can get fucked. Block his number. How dare he call you and tell you to support his son?

Seriously just block all of them and have nothing to do with them.

God, you poor thing. Treat yourself today. You deserve it. Try and put this whole horrible experience behind you WineCake

FOJN · 29/10/2021 05:31

I didn’t update the thread, he didn’t go when he came last week. He was saying he has a bad headache and is ill and if he can stay on the sofa for a bit.

It's called a hang over and you let him sleep it off on your sofa after he'd stolen from you.

Alcoholics are nearly always remorseful when they sober up and they may well mean it at the time but it doesn't stop them repeating the behaviour. And be in no doubt he IS an alcoholic, social drinkers don't get sacked for drinking on the job. DO NOT BE CONNED INTO BELIEVING HE COULD STOP DRINKING IF ONLY YOU GAVE HIM YOUR SUPPORT.

How much money he's got and where he goes is not your concern. If his own dad knows enough about him to not give him a home so why the hell would you?

Looking through your thread I'm not sure you will get rid of this man despite all the evidence he has a substance abuse problem and is a free loader, I hope I'm wrong.

HomeTheatreSystem · 29/10/2021 05:44

You cannot save him from the choices he makes that are driven by his addictions. You will only wreck your life and mental health in the process of trying and giving him more "dicking around" time at your expense before he hits rock bottom. His father is stuck between a rock and a hard place and I'm sure knows he's being unfair in asking you to help his son out but probably cannot bear to see his son self destruct like this. Walk away now.

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