Hand hold needed - call off engagement?

[blueblueelectricblue28]

I need some help and I don't know where to turn. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible. I've got tears streaming down my face writing this.

Both 30, together nearly 5 years, engaged 4 months. Wedding booked for next summer.

I've spent the last 4 days in tears after an incident at the weekend over Sunday pub lunch with friends - conversation was lively/people talking over each other a little, as can happen. I cut in as he opened his mouth (doesn't sound great written down but in the context of the group and conversation wasn't such a faux pas) and he said, loudly "will you LET ME SPEAK" to me. The whole table went silent and no one knew where to look. it was so humiliating. He also got into an argument with the staff as they needed the table back and he didn't want to move. When we got home I was so upset, this turned into an argument with him shouting at me to SHUT THE FUCK UP so I left the flat and walked around for a couple of hours holding back the tears. I just wanted to run away.

A week before we got engaged we were waiting for an Uber which was having difficulty finding us (due to roadworks) and I ordered it on my phone. He got impatient, snapped and said "stop being a cunt!". I spent the whole journey in the car frozen with fear and when I got home I went into the bedroom and squeezed myself into a small space between two bits of furniture where I felt safe and hidden. I can't explain that, it sounds like such a mad thing to do but I wanted to hide myself away in a small space and not come out. Less than a week later he proposed to me and I have to admit my gut feeling when I saw the ring was "its not right". I feel that I got so swept up with everyone else's celebrations and happiness around it I didn't check in with myself to ask if it was right for me. My parents had an unhappy marriage and I have had difficulty with my boundaries in the past. I've also stopped taking recreational drugs after several years so have revised a lot of my friendships with that in mind (I am so happy to be clean, but feel a bit more isolated because of it, so don't have as many people around me to lean on in the event of a break up TBH)

I could go on. He pushed me out of the room with both hands a few months ago too. Said it was my fault, I'd driven him to it (as I always seem to) He has quite hot headed and will often tell me to fuck off, shut up, raise his voice or slam doors when we argue. he did call me a cunt once before and I said I would leave if he spoke to me like that again... well I guess the joke's on me now.

We've had sex once in the 4 months we've been engaged, this has been a bone of contention for a couple of years as he just isn't interested in me (he's been stressed/tired/on AD's which I realise can be a problem but nothing's been done to fix it)
Sex has to be on his terms with both of us fully showered and at a time he wants it, it always follows the same pattern and feels quite formulaic. I've tried to suggest new things but he's refused. Usually happens about once every 2-4 weeks. I feel like I'm wasting away here, sex and intimacy is so important to me, and I long to share that with someone else.
I was abused sexually in the past so initially a partner who wasn't pestering me for sex all the time was quite refreshing but its become apparent it isn't right for me.

I know I need to leave but I lack the confidence to do it - finding somewhere new to live seems so daunting, living independently, starting over, dividing up our things, losing friends, not to mention the calling off of the wedding, letting guests know, cancelling suppliers etc. Additionally I feel so afraid of "losing face" as we have had so much love and excitement from people around the wedding and to rip the plaster off and deal with the inevitable upset and feelings of shame and failure feels terrifying.

He knows something is up and I am having doubts about the marriage. He's trying to make it better by booking us a weekend away, coming off AD's to kick start his libido but its just too little too late and I want out.
When I think of us separated, or him with someone else, I can't stop crying, we have had many happy memories aside from the bad times and he has helped me through some difficulties which have been painful, so I feel completely torn.
He earns much more than me so pays the majority of the rent and I see a psychotherapist once a week which he covers 50% of. I am worried about how this could change if we separate. She has been amazing and a real comfort to me.

Additionally, I have been talking to another man and getting close to him. He knows the situation and while I think he might be a red herring and I am not looking to be "saved" by another man, it has been a real eye opener to feel desired and wanted again by someone and to be validated that the current situation isn't right.

Downloaded the Lundy Bancroft book I see so often recommended on here and although I am finding it tough to read (as it makes it all "real") a lot of lights are turning on in my head.

Sorry for the extremely long post, I'd really welcome any thoughts and please be gentle with me, it's all such a mess and I'm really hurting.

Not 'may' have involved misery, WOULD have (and did) involved misery. He made you cower in fear and called you a cunt. Would you want to have a daughter with a man that calls women cunts? He didn't even love you, so why do you love him? He didn't even like you, he treated you like you were a bit of shit! I'd rather be single and celibate for the rest of my life than with someone who despises me, makes me cower behind furniture and treats me like I'm nothing but a bit of shit. Who needs that? Why would you even like that, let alone 'love' that? You still have a future with a man who adores you and treats you like a princess, when you eventually meet him. And you will. Why lower yourself to be with someone that hates you? If you had a friend that told you her partner treats her like this, what would you say to her?

Stay off social media. Or sign out of facebook, delete cookies, re-start and then sign in again, the ads should be gone.

OP,

You are too lovely and decent to not feel terrible shame and regret if you went ahead and married him and brought children into an abusive home, when you knew well how bad a man he was.

The guilt of knowing your children are carrying a trauma would never leave you.

Most mothers would lay down their life for their children and would do anything to protect their children.

This is a bad man that had you cowering behind furniture.

Can you imagine doing that with a couple of terrified children and knowing that you KNEW what he was like?

I agree with @DFOD, you need to sit with your feelings.

Sit with those feelings of fear.
Sit with the feelings of mortifying at being spoken to like that in front of your friends.
Sit with how you felt as he screamed his obscenities at you.

You say you really loved him?
Perhaps you do.

But he sure as shit never loved you.

He is a dangerous man that would have beaten the hell out of you in no time and you would have had years of envolvement as he continued his reign of terror.

Please call Womens Aid and talk through how you are feeling.

Keep posting.

OP, you are feeling the loss of what you THOUGHT you had and then came to the horrible realisation that you didn’t actually have a solid relationship with a man you could trust.

You lived with a fantasy. You had an instinct before that is wasn’t right, but went ahead anyway.

You were right: it wasn’t right and he well and truly proved that.

If you go back he will know he has you trapped, on a string, how ever badly he behaves. Which will be nastier than ever.

You cannot live your life in misery and fear. However, you will recover from your current sense of loss.

OP it’s quite a good moment to reflect on the complexities of life and to firm up what you think about men and what you’ll accept. What have you learned about yourself from this episode? That this was your breaking point and you acted to get out. Reflect deeply and think about what happened and how your safety mechanism was triggered. You escaped danger successfully, well done.

OP don't go back. You are being very strong and have done absolutely the right thing.

It will be hard, of course it will. You had dreams and were planning a future with this man. You can be sure though, that future would have involved pain. If you feel yourself weakening, read back over your first post. Try to remember how you felt when you typed that post and compare it to how you feel now.

Keep going, you are giving yourself freedom and a much happier future. Well done!

OP you've totally done the right thing, and you are so, so young. I know it doesn't feel like it but you really are. Even if you were in your late thirties, you'd still have done the right thing and have time to meet someone, but at 30 you definitely do! You have time to take an entire year or two off dating if you want to, and just focus on yourself.

Don't get drawn in by him. He's not sorry he treated you like shit, he's sorry his punchbag has left. He feels lonely now, probably worrying about what people will think. Be prepared for him to possibly launch a bit of a smear campaign once he realises you're really not coming back. He'll probably paint himself as the victim, talk about you 'left out of nowhere', maybe call you crazy. Ignore it all. Anyone who saw how it talked to you at the lunch will be on your side, and anyone who isn't, you don't want in your life.

Really uplifted by all your messages especially my two rocks on this thread @DFOD and @billy1966.
I FaceTimed my mum, had a good old sob tonight for hours and now feel empty again, you’re right I’ve got to feel the feelings and let them move through me, and take courage in the bits where I feel strong.
I was meant to see my therapist today but she had to cancel, so is calling me for an hour free of charge tomorrow and then in person on Thursday.
I honestly feel at times like I’m going to die with the pain and heartbreak but at others I feel optimistic… got to ride the wave I guess.
It’s grieving for the shared dreams we had I suppose - his behaviour was awful at times so it would never have worked, doesn’t stop me feeling sad about our once optimistic outlook.
This has to get better, it simply has to!

"I honestly feel at times like I’m going to die with the pain and heartbreak but at others I feel optimistic… got to ride the wave I guess.
It’s grieving for the shared dreams we had I suppose - his behaviour was awful at times so it would never have worked, doesn’t stop me feeling sad about our once optimistic outlook.
This has to get better, it simply has to!"

It will get better, OP. You've shown amazing strength, wisdom and good sense to walk away now.

The pain and grief you're enduring now are no doubt intense and it's good that you're allowing yourself to feel them rather than squashing them down. You will be through and out the other side sooner as a result. In any case, we can all guarantee that what you are feeling now is nothing to the pain and grief that you would have had to go through at some point in the future if you had married this man and, worse, had children with him.

Time is a great healer. I think it is also an incredibly powerful lesson to learn that you can go through heartbreak and come out the other side. It will take some time but that absolutely is what will happen for you. Cast your mind forward - you will reach a place of peace and calm with this. And the future self who is waiting for you there is already thanking you for going through this now.

I really agree with @Dery that allowing yourself to feel, cry, purge all your emotions means that you are accepting them as part of this whole experience.

That's so good.
Particularly as you are accepting that it would never work.

Also @Dery is correct, you are going to be SO MUCH WISER after this experience and so much stronger.

You will know yourself so much better and you will have the confidence to meet someone new when the time is right.

The online Freedom programme might be of interest to you and to look up the Shark cage analogy which will help you look at and strengthen your boundaries.

You have been extraordinarily brave and it is and will be rewarded.

Cry your tears but also be very proud of yourself.

You listened to your gut and you got out.
You refused to accept the total clusterfxxk of a life that he was offering you.

Verbal, emotional and physical abuse.
A total clusterfxxk of abuse that would have ruined years of your life.

Sit with your emotions but take regular breaks to congratulate yourself for being so brave as to get away and not succumb to being another desperately sad DV statistic.

Keep posting.
Your mother must be so thrilled and relieved that you have told the truth.
Such bravery.👏👏👏

You did great recognise you were at risk of making contact but to post on here and call your DM instead.

I am sure that missing your scheduled therapy session (first since you left?) was a lot to do with the intensity of the overwhelm you felt yesterday.

But of course processing is a very painful experience that is not linear or predictable and takes time. But it does progress.

If you look at the stages of grief they are shock, denial, anger, depression and acceptance.

You have been numb for the past week and the pining and yearning is likely a denial phase - where your mind is just reflecting on the good and is shutting out / denying the bad…..anger will be along soon (this is healthy progress) - but you can ricochet between stages until you come through it in your own time.

It sounds like you may have had some difficult family / childhood situation that has left you vulnerable to unconditionally tolerating poor behaviours - but your therapist will work with you to identify and rectify any issues in time which means that you will never be in this position again.

You will have your vision of the future just now it will be with someone wonderful who deserves you. He would have destroyed you - it would have escalated and eroded you.

It’s hard to come to terms when there were good times - we often think was it that bad on balance. But as always said on here the only acceptable level of abuse is zero. I also like the mug of coffee analogy - that if a mug of coffee had only 5% shit stirred and dissolved into it you won’t drink it - because it’s gross and it’s all pervasive.

Have a great big ugly snotty cry with your therapist today, or a lonely weep in the loos at work, or a rage and scream somewhere you won’t be arrested, or have your nails done, a facial or have a giggle with a friend.

It doesn’t matter what you do moment but moment - give yourself compassion for what you have been through and permission to feel it to heal it.

*not unconditionally - should read unconsciously

Well done OP, you're doing great. It's such a cliche but honestly you just need to take one day at a time. You will get through this & feel stronger for your future. Keep posting when it's tough & enjoy it when you fee a little easier

Do you really want this to be the rest of your life? I'd guess not.

Get the hell out of there

Just from your OP - 16 reasons why:

1. The last straw he said, loudly "will you LET ME SPEAK" to me. The whole table went silent and no one knew where to look.

2. It was so humiliating.

3. He also got into an argument with the staff as they needed the table back and he didn't want to move.

4. When we got home I was so upset, this turned into an argument with him shouting at me to SHUT THE FUCK UP so I left the flat and walked around for a couple of hours holding back the tears.

5. I just wanted to run away.

6. He got impatient, snapped and said "stop being a cunt!" (Uber incident)

7. I spent the whole journey in the car frozen with fear.

8. When I got home I went into the bedroom and squeezed myself into a small space between two bits of furniture where I felt safe and hidden.

9. My gut feeling when I saw the ring was "its not right".

10. He pushed me out of the room with both hands a few months ago too.

11. Said it was my fault, I'd driven him to it (as I always seem to)

12. He has quite hot headed and will often tell me to fuck off, shut up, raise his voice or slam doors

13. He did call me a cunt once before and I said I would leave if he spoke to me like that again... well I guess the joke's on me now.

14. We've had sex once in the 4 months we've been engaged, this has been a bone of contention for a couple of years as he just isn't interested in me (he's been stressed/tired/on AD's which I realise can be a problem but nothing's been done to fix it)

15. Sex has to be on his terms with both of us fully showered and at a time he wants it, it always follows the same pattern and feels quite formulaic. I've tried to suggest new things but he's refused. Usually happens about once every 2-4 weeks.

16. I feel like I'm wasting away here, sex and intimacy is so important to me, and I long to share that with someone else.

Read back this list (or add to it) when you start pining and doubting yourself - give yourself a set time to feel sad and then reward yourself by doing something healthy and positive with good friends for getting out.

@DFOD

Just from your OP - 16 reasons why:

1. The last straw he said, loudly "will you LET ME SPEAK" to me. The whole table went silent and no one knew where to look.

2. It was so humiliating.

3. He also got into an argument with the staff as they needed the table back and he didn't want to move.

4. When we got home I was so upset, this turned into an argument with him shouting at me to SHUT THE FUCK UP so I left the flat and walked around for a couple of hours holding back the tears.

5. I just wanted to run away.

6. He got impatient, snapped and said "stop being a cunt!" (Uber incident)

7. I spent the whole journey in the car frozen with fear.

8. When I got home I went into the bedroom and squeezed myself into a small space between two bits of furniture where I felt safe and hidden.

9. My gut feeling when I saw the ring was "its not right".

10. He pushed me out of the room with both hands a few months ago too.

11. Said it was my fault, I'd driven him to it (as I always seem to)

12. He has quite hot headed and will often tell me to fuck off, shut up, raise his voice or slam doors

13. He did call me a cunt once before and I said I would leave if he spoke to me like that again... well I guess the joke's on me now.

14. We've had sex once in the 4 months we've been engaged, this has been a bone of contention for a couple of years as he just isn't interested in me (he's been stressed/tired/on AD's which I realise can be a problem but nothing's been done to fix it)

15. Sex has to be on his terms with both of us fully showered and at a time he wants it, it always follows the same pattern and feels quite formulaic. I've tried to suggest new things but he's refused. Usually happens about once every 2-4 weeks.

16. I feel like I'm wasting away here, sex and intimacy is so important to me, and I long to share that with someone else.

Read back this list (or add to it) when you start pining and doubting yourself - give yourself a set time to feel sad and then reward yourself by doing something healthy and positive with good friends for getting out.

Brilliant @DFOD

There you have it OP.

If that isn't an absolute horror story I do not know what is.

Screen shot the above and keep going back to it.

THAT is what you have left behind.

Thank God.

I’m really struggling today - I can’t stop thinking about what I’ve been through and I feel so dreadfully sad. I’m definitely grieving what I thought I had, and what I thought I was going to have in the future.
I had a bottle of wine for dinner last night which I realise isn’t ideal and had two tearful meltdowns at work.
I’ve been cancelling wedding suppliers and luckily have been able to claw some money back which is a bonus.
I’m so worried that he’s going to try and get back into my good books to win me round and I suspect that will happen eventually. Please help me keep strong and get through this, hand hold very much needed.

@blueblueelectricblue28 - you're doing amazingly. You are absolutely bound to have days like this, particularly as you are having to speak to wedding'y people and "explain", but you know what? If a bottle of wine for dinner was what was needed, don't beat yourself up about it. You are grieving and it's really tough. Keeping strong and keeping on going is absolutely exhausting when all we want to do is break down and cry. When I was going through my divorce with XH who sounds not dissimilar to your ex, a friend sent me a message saying "and fate whispered to the warrior "you cannot withstand the storm", and the warrior whispered back "I am the storm.""

Be the storm. Honestly you are worth so much more than someone who is willing to make you so sad, and feel so small, that you seek refuge in a bedroom, between bed and wall. That's not a healthy relationship.

Hang on in. Remember that you are mourning the loss of something that wasn't real. The reality is that he treated you badly and made you unhappy, and it would never have gotten any better.

Look after yourself. Do something small which you enjoy and contemplate a life free from the clutches of an evil, abusive bastard.

Here's a hand hold, OP. You're doing incredibly well. It's natural that you feel incredibly sad.

As you said upthread: you had hopes and dreams about your future with this man. You've realised that he won't give you what you need - indeed that he is in many ways harmful to you. The fact that you thought "this isn't right" when he produced the engagement ring would have been enough reason to end things, even if he had been the nicest guy in the world. Even more so, given how badly he was treating you.

But right now, you must be feeling like all your hopes and dreams have been smashed so it's natural to feel dreadfully sad. This phase is probably the most intensely painful and difficult phase that you will go through and it will take you a while to process all these feelings. This too will change, however. Remember the darkest hour is before the dawn - and the dawn for you is just over the horizon. Just hang on in there; keep posting here for support and reach out for real life support also.

And yes, as @StillSmallVoice says: plan little daily treats for yourself. Things that you enjoy. Things that you can get absorbed in. Things that help remind you of yourself.

Of course the cancelling of arrangements is very painful and remember you are probably having an alcohol downer which makes everything worse.

You are doing so well but to get to the other side of this, you will have to go through feeling sad and disappointed.

I don't believe a clever woman like you would be foolish enough to take on board any bullshit promises from him.

You know and have seen exactly the abusive thug he is.

@billy1966

Of course the cancelling of arrangements is very painful and remember you are probably having an alcohol downer which makes everything worse.

You are doing so well but to get to the other side of this, you will have to go through feeling sad and disappointed.

I don't believe a clever woman like you would be foolish enough to take on board any bullshit promises from him.

You know and have seen exactly the abusive thug he is.

I don’t think I phrased myself very well there, I meant to say that I believe a charm offensive will come from him at some stage, and I need to be ready for it! It is just so painful being in the eye of the storm and having to feel all the feelings, I want the pain to stop but I have to keep going!

Have you heard of “ALI Lists” - it stands for “At least I….” and is really helpful when you are feeling overwhelmed, stuck or unproductive.

Today you can say “At least I….”

Cancelled x, y, z
Identified my pain
Felt / expressed my emotions
Worked out his next move
Prepared myself for that threat
Read, reached out and responded on my thread
etc
etc

Lots of little incremental bits of evidence that demonstrate you are alive, aware, inching along - that’s more than enough for now.

“I don’t think I phrased myself very well there, I meant to say that I believe a charm offensive will come from him at some stage, and I need to be ready for it!”

Well done for knowing what the threat is and identifying your vulnerability. Awareness is half way there. Now how will you take control? Is he blocked on everything? Are friends and family briefed to bat him away if he goes through them? Have you a process ready to move the flowers / gifts / cards / letters out of your personal space immediately before reading / unwrapping?

He wants a reaction. Don’t give him one. All communication will be self serving and manipulative to hoover you back into punching distance. It’s all a trap.

“It is just so painful being in the eye of the storm and having to feel all the feelings, I want the pain to stop but I have to keep going!”

Reframe it. Embrace the pain and the waves. Look at it as therapeutic - like a gross medicine or the hard yards training to run a marathon. The end result / goal is achieved through some suffering.

You are doing great.

Watch the wine.

It’s not your friend.

You are especially vulnerable due to your previous recreational drug use that you so painstakingly addressed.

Don’t inadvertently swap one substance for another.

Addiction is a slippery slope.

Also it lowers your boundaries and distorts your thinking, shredding your self confidence.

Puts you at huge risk of making contact with him and opening yourself up to abuse.

You have come a long way. Choose healthier ways to soothe and re-regulate your emotions.