Hand hold needed - call off engagement?

[blueblueelectricblue28]

I need some help and I don't know where to turn. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible. I've got tears streaming down my face writing this.

Both 30, together nearly 5 years, engaged 4 months. Wedding booked for next summer.

I've spent the last 4 days in tears after an incident at the weekend over Sunday pub lunch with friends - conversation was lively/people talking over each other a little, as can happen. I cut in as he opened his mouth (doesn't sound great written down but in the context of the group and conversation wasn't such a faux pas) and he said, loudly "will you LET ME SPEAK" to me. The whole table went silent and no one knew where to look. it was so humiliating. He also got into an argument with the staff as they needed the table back and he didn't want to move. When we got home I was so upset, this turned into an argument with him shouting at me to SHUT THE FUCK UP so I left the flat and walked around for a couple of hours holding back the tears. I just wanted to run away.

A week before we got engaged we were waiting for an Uber which was having difficulty finding us (due to roadworks) and I ordered it on my phone. He got impatient, snapped and said "stop being a cunt!". I spent the whole journey in the car frozen with fear and when I got home I went into the bedroom and squeezed myself into a small space between two bits of furniture where I felt safe and hidden. I can't explain that, it sounds like such a mad thing to do but I wanted to hide myself away in a small space and not come out. Less than a week later he proposed to me and I have to admit my gut feeling when I saw the ring was "its not right". I feel that I got so swept up with everyone else's celebrations and happiness around it I didn't check in with myself to ask if it was right for me. My parents had an unhappy marriage and I have had difficulty with my boundaries in the past. I've also stopped taking recreational drugs after several years so have revised a lot of my friendships with that in mind (I am so happy to be clean, but feel a bit more isolated because of it, so don't have as many people around me to lean on in the event of a break up TBH)

I could go on. He pushed me out of the room with both hands a few months ago too. Said it was my fault, I'd driven him to it (as I always seem to) He has quite hot headed and will often tell me to fuck off, shut up, raise his voice or slam doors when we argue. he did call me a cunt once before and I said I would leave if he spoke to me like that again... well I guess the joke's on me now.

We've had sex once in the 4 months we've been engaged, this has been a bone of contention for a couple of years as he just isn't interested in me (he's been stressed/tired/on AD's which I realise can be a problem but nothing's been done to fix it)
Sex has to be on his terms with both of us fully showered and at a time he wants it, it always follows the same pattern and feels quite formulaic. I've tried to suggest new things but he's refused. Usually happens about once every 2-4 weeks. I feel like I'm wasting away here, sex and intimacy is so important to me, and I long to share that with someone else.
I was abused sexually in the past so initially a partner who wasn't pestering me for sex all the time was quite refreshing but its become apparent it isn't right for me.

I know I need to leave but I lack the confidence to do it - finding somewhere new to live seems so daunting, living independently, starting over, dividing up our things, losing friends, not to mention the calling off of the wedding, letting guests know, cancelling suppliers etc. Additionally I feel so afraid of "losing face" as we have had so much love and excitement from people around the wedding and to rip the plaster off and deal with the inevitable upset and feelings of shame and failure feels terrifying.

He knows something is up and I am having doubts about the marriage. He's trying to make it better by booking us a weekend away, coming off AD's to kick start his libido but its just too little too late and I want out.
When I think of us separated, or him with someone else, I can't stop crying, we have had many happy memories aside from the bad times and he has helped me through some difficulties which have been painful, so I feel completely torn.
He earns much more than me so pays the majority of the rent and I see a psychotherapist once a week which he covers 50% of. I am worried about how this could change if we separate. She has been amazing and a real comfort to me.

Additionally, I have been talking to another man and getting close to him. He knows the situation and while I think he might be a red herring and I am not looking to be "saved" by another man, it has been a real eye opener to feel desired and wanted again by someone and to be validated that the current situation isn't right.

Downloaded the Lundy Bancroft book I see so often recommended on here and although I am finding it tough to read (as it makes it all "real") a lot of lights are turning on in my head.

Sorry for the extremely long post, I'd really welcome any thoughts and please be gentle with me, it's all such a mess and I'm really hurting.

“I actually wish he was angry or had messaged me with a load of abuse as that would make it so much easier.”

This is abuse.

It’s self serving and hoovering.

It’s a manipulation to get you to react and engage. He’s doing it the “slowly, slowly catch the monkey” approach.

Once he has lured you back into punching distance - when your guard is down and he has charmed you into a false sense of security he will strike again - harder than before as a punishment.

You should consider blocking him on all channels and warning your family and friends that he may try to go through them.

If he needs contact for any logistics he can email a nominated friend.

You don’t owe him any further communication - you don’t need to JADE your decision to him or anyone else (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)

You do owe it to yourself to emotionally protect yourself so that you can fully heal from this relationship and the likely childhood wound that left you vulnerable to tolerating this type of relationship. You need to focus 100% on you - any engagement with him directly or indirectly through SM will hurt you.

Expect a few different tactics in the playbook as time goes by - all are manipulative / abusive and controlling - the love bombing - the pleading, begging, future promising - the self harm histrionics threats, then the nasty revenge stuff - might involve a very high SM profile relationship or dating stuff to make you jealous or humiliate you, stalking harassment etc.

All are to get a reaction to ultimately hurt and control you.

He has much less chance of success if your communication channels are fully locked down. Every interaction with him (even you looking at his SM or listening to what he is up to from a friend) puts YOUR healing back.

Hope that you had a helpfully distracting day in the office today. You might feel numb for a bit an you might emotionally and physically notice you are depleted and exhausted as you have achieved so much.

“I actually wish he was angry or had messaged me with a load of abuse as that would make it so much easier.

Which is exactly why he's done it. To make it as difficult as possible for you, to make you question yourself and whether he was really as bad as you had realised. To get you back so that he can carry on terrorising you.

After all, he proposed to you to get out of the tricky situation where he realised he'd gone that bit too far to be able to get away with his awful actions. Sending a few 'nice guy' texts is nothing compared to that.

But he is likely to become angry when he realises it isn't working. Whether he tells you that, or amplifies his reasonableness by saying he wants to catch up over coffee for 'closure', he will be raging at you secretly until he has the opportunity to show you just how angry you have made him for not submitting to his demands. Calm, friendly, civil cup of coffee? No problem. Maybe you could pop back and pick up something you didn't take (whether it's actually there or not, it's to get you back behind closed doors)? And then the door closes and his face changes again.

You are doing brilliantly. Keep on. You can do it.

@DFOD thank you x1000 for such an insightful post and all the amazing advice you’ve written. I really appreciate that.

Today was weird. I sort of feel nothing and I'm astonished at how pragmatic I’m being about it all. Work now know and my lovely work-husband told me he did the same secret packing and disappearing act to his ex boyfriend years ago which was a great boost to know. Walked around central London, cried and drank coffee and ranted with him. Everyone at work has been so supportive and I’ve had many hugs.
About to have dinner now but will write later!

You are doing so well.

I am so pleased that work have been so supportive towards you.

It makes such a difference to know people have your back.

I think you don't fully appreciate how strong a person you are OP.

Above have given you very wise advice.

Should you feel a wobble, re read this thread to remember what you have left.

Keep posting and most of all keep safe.

@billy1966

You are doing so well.

I am so pleased that work have been so supportive towards you.

It makes such a difference to know people have your back.

I think you don't fully appreciate how strong a person you are OP.

Above have given you very wise advice.

Should you feel a wobble, re read this thread to remember what you have left.

Keep posting and most of all keep safe.

@billy1966 your love and support is quite something, thank you ever so much.

I know it sounds a bit superficial but I’ve washed and blow dried my hair, steamed my favourite dress for work, and am determined to feel happy and confident tomorrow. I can do this and I can’t be hurt any further.
I’m taking it a day at a time and I’m determined not to think too far into the future and what will happen with the flat etc - all I can do is do a day at a time.

I feel nothing at all. Is that normal? I’ve cried every day for the past two weeks and of course often before that, so maybe all the misery is out?
I expect I might hit the wall at some stage, and the past 48 hours have been adrenaline fuelled, but I just feel numb, I feel nothing at all.

Absolutely normal. You're not under direct threat every moment of the day anymore. You're safe whilst you remain with your friends. You're drained from the constant fear and unhappiness and you've used up all your adrenalin in probably quite literally saving your own life.

As pp said, you're adrenaline has been used up.

Also, chances are you are so used to your ups and downs being governed by his mood that now they have no idea what the heck to do. Takes a bit of time for your body to adjust.

I think it will hit you but not just yet, I was numb for a bit and that bam, my brain started replaying all the good times on a loop, I went through all the 5 stages of a break up and it took a while but I don't regret it, best thing I ever did splitting up from my fiancé. Good luck OP

Try and savour and remember this moment of deep satisfaction, relief, strength, pride and optimism. Really try to embed it in your core and when the wobbles rise up reach for this feeling - because this is your truth.

You have wonderful friends and family around you who have swooped in to support - that’s an exact reflection of your worth and what you have given - keep hanging with the good people.

Well done to you

So many posters cannot bear the idea of young woman like you having your lives destroyed by thugs like your Ex.

Life is so precious and can be so wonderful ......but not with a man like him.

If you were my daughter it would kill me to know you have been treated so terribly and were engaged to such a horror.

I'm so pleased you are spending time on yourself.

I think your tears have dried up because you listened to your gut that was screaming at you for months that this was wrong.

Thank god for your bravery.
You will no doubt cry a few more tears but let them flow.

The most important thing is too stay away from him and stay safe.

Do not hesitate to call the police.
Sleep well.

We are all willing you forward.

Checking in OP - hope your first weekend as a free woman is a good one

@Teacupsandtoast

Checking in OP - hope your first weekend as a free woman is a good one

Ah, thanks for checking in! I am doing quite well, I’ve been sleeping better and have an appetite of sorts, probably drinking a bit too much wine though. I’ve not felt too sad, if I’m honest, I feel numb all over (maybe the sadness will come and I will have a giant meltdown - who knows!?) I have great friends, who I now know would do anything for me, and everyone at work has been so supportive.

I really expected to feel worse? Perhaps I did all my crying and misery when we were together?

@blueblueelectricblue28

I really expected to feel worse? Perhaps I did all my crying and misery when we were together?

Proves you were right that it was abusive and you needed to get free for your own safety, doesn't it?

So glad your doing well you’ve come a long way hugs lots of them.

What it proves is that you got out before you really believed in your soul that you deserved it. It’s the feeling of relief xx

@blueblueelectricblue28

I really expected to feel worse? Perhaps I did all my crying and misery when we were together?

Well, quite! You left a relationship that was unhealthy with a man you knew wasn’t right for you and I’ll treated you.

Not sure why you should be crying or melting down now!

I know, we feel the loss of what we thought we had and what we hoped for. But you can look forwards now!

Great to read.

I think you realise you really have been so lucky and brave to get out.

I bet your gut is feeling hugely relieved.

You knew it wasn't right.

It's very stressful for a person to continue on a path when your gut is scream No.

How lovely for you that so many have your back.

How blessed is your life.
Well done for valuing it and acting to protect it.

Keep posting, stay safe.

Well it appears the adrenaline has worn off and now I'm just heartbroken and empty. I can't reconcile all the broken dreams we had together, as imperfect as he was we did have a vision of a shared future together and it's so difficult to know that isn't going to happen (though that shared future may have involved misery)
I know it isn't the right thing to do but all I want to do is call him. Theres reminders everywhere on social media, my targeted ads are all wedding and engagement ring related and I'm just so so heartbroken. I don't know if I can get through the pain of this, it just hurts too much. I'm sat here in floods of tears wondering if I did the right thing. Please help me be strong.

That’s so normal after a break up - abusive as he was you had planned a life together and while it’s the right decision to leave, you may need to mourn the future you thought you would have. The mourning process includes recognition that the future you thought you had would never have existed in the way you hoped, because of his abuse. Leaving him now allows you to mourn that in safety, rather than mourning it while also coping with his abuse of you. You’ve made very strong decisions here - you are incredibly strong, hold onto to that.

Have you read your Original post back? That might help, he was shouty and abusive and that was never going to get better, only worse.Tjsts not how you treat someone you love. You absolutely did the right thing. One day you will realise this. It’s hard now but this will pass. 💕

I've been there and I promise it gets better. It's just really hard to see that now because you are in the thick of it.

I stayed for more than twenty years, had two kids who both have significant mental health problems because of the environment they grew up in.

The good news is that I met someone else, who is completely different and have been happily married for ten years.

Hang in there. Don't go back. It will be worth it in the end.

You're missing nothing. He called you a cunt and is abusive and aggressive. Do you want to stay with that and have children with it? So they can be scared of it too?

Of course feelings will bubble up and need to be attended to.

That involves you sitting with discomfort and observing - letting them pass through like a wave - rising and falling.

All you need to know is that you don’t ever text or make contact in this heightened emotional state. Get through that hour - then do something physical to intercept dark thoughts to get out of your head and back into your body. Take a bath. Walk up a flight of stairs. Get outdoors for a walk. Anything to shift your mindset away from ruminating.

Be compassionate to yourself. You have endured your self esteem being crushed by stealth.