I need some help and I don't know where to turn. I'll try and keep it as brief as possible. I've got tears streaming down my face writing this.
Both 30, together nearly 5 years, engaged 4 months. Wedding booked for next summer.
I've spent the last 4 days in tears after an incident at the weekend over Sunday pub lunch with friends - conversation was lively/people talking over each other a little, as can happen. I cut in as he opened his mouth (doesn't sound great written down but in the context of the group and conversation wasn't such a faux pas) and he said, loudly "will you LET ME SPEAK" to me. The whole table went silent and no one knew where to look. it was so humiliating. He also got into an argument with the staff as they needed the table back and he didn't want to move. When we got home I was so upset, this turned into an argument with him shouting at me to SHUT THE FUCK UP so I left the flat and walked around for a couple of hours holding back the tears. I just wanted to run away.
A week before we got engaged we were waiting for an Uber which was having difficulty finding us (due to roadworks) and I ordered it on my phone. He got impatient, snapped and said "stop being a cunt!". I spent the whole journey in the car frozen with fear and when I got home I went into the bedroom and squeezed myself into a small space between two bits of furniture where I felt safe and hidden. I can't explain that, it sounds like such a mad thing to do but I wanted to hide myself away in a small space and not come out. Less than a week later he proposed to me and I have to admit my gut feeling when I saw the ring was "its not right". I feel that I got so swept up with everyone else's celebrations and happiness around it I didn't check in with myself to ask if it was right for me. My parents had an unhappy marriage and I have had difficulty with my boundaries in the past. I've also stopped taking recreational drugs after several years so have revised a lot of my friendships with that in mind (I am so happy to be clean, but feel a bit more isolated because of it, so don't have as many people around me to lean on in the event of a break up TBH)
I could go on. He pushed me out of the room with both hands a few months ago too. Said it was my fault, I'd driven him to it (as I always seem to) He has quite hot headed and will often tell me to fuck off, shut up, raise his voice or slam doors when we argue. he did call me a cunt once before and I said I would leave if he spoke to me like that again... well I guess the joke's on me now.
We've had sex once in the 4 months we've been engaged, this has been a bone of contention for a couple of years as he just isn't interested in me (he's been stressed/tired/on AD's which I realise can be a problem but nothing's been done to fix it)
Sex has to be on his terms with both of us fully showered and at a time he wants it, it always follows the same pattern and feels quite formulaic. I've tried to suggest new things but he's refused. Usually happens about once every 2-4 weeks. I feel like I'm wasting away here, sex and intimacy is so important to me, and I long to share that with someone else.
I was abused sexually in the past so initially a partner who wasn't pestering me for sex all the time was quite refreshing but its become apparent it isn't right for me.
I know I need to leave but I lack the confidence to do it - finding somewhere new to live seems so daunting, living independently, starting over, dividing up our things, losing friends, not to mention the calling off of the wedding, letting guests know, cancelling suppliers etc. Additionally I feel so afraid of "losing face" as we have had so much love and excitement from people around the wedding and to rip the plaster off and deal with the inevitable upset and feelings of shame and failure feels terrifying.
He knows something is up and I am having doubts about the marriage. He's trying to make it better by booking us a weekend away, coming off AD's to kick start his libido but its just too little too late and I want out.
When I think of us separated, or him with someone else, I can't stop crying, we have had many happy memories aside from the bad times and he has helped me through some difficulties which have been painful, so I feel completely torn.
He earns much more than me so pays the majority of the rent and I see a psychotherapist once a week which he covers 50% of. I am worried about how this could change if we separate. She has been amazing and a real comfort to me.
Additionally, I have been talking to another man and getting close to him. He knows the situation and while I think he might be a red herring and I am not looking to be "saved" by another man, it has been a real eye opener to feel desired and wanted again by someone and to be validated that the current situation isn't right.
Downloaded the Lundy Bancroft book I see so often recommended on here and although I am finding it tough to read (as it makes it all "real") a lot of lights are turning on in my head.
Sorry for the extremely long post, I'd really welcome any thoughts and please be gentle with me, it's all such a mess and I'm really hurting.