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Original poster

When to have The Talk

828 replies

ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:22

Hi,

I've been dating someone now for three months, it's all going brilliantly in my opinion. We have a lot of fun together.

We've both said we are open to seeing where things go, however we haven't discussed anything beyond that.

I have deleted the dating apps and I am not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, I dont know his opinion on this.

Is three months too early to ask this? Too late? If he was really interested would he have already asked me?

Thank you

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
CavernousScream · 19/10/2021 19:24

Three months is definitely not too soon to discuss being exclusive.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 19:34

Thanks, any ideas on how to broach the subject?
I've never done this before!

OP posts:
Tranquilitybasehotelandcasino · 19/10/2021 19:58

I suppose it depends how much you’ve talked and met up during those 3 months, but it seems reasonable to have that talk.

I wouldn’t overthink it because ultimately he’s either on the same page and worth pursuing or he’s not. If he’s not, find out now so you can move on. I’d say it’s been 3 months and I think we’re getting on well and don’t want to keep my options open. I just wondered whether you’re continuing to date others or how you’re feeling.

JustAnother0ldMan · 19/10/2021 20:07

I don’t think 3 months is too soon if your both getting on well.

I think the way to broach this would just be to somehow mention that you have come off the apps and see where the conversation goes, but how do you think you would feel is his answer is different to yours ?

AdventureCode · 19/10/2021 20:23

Three months is definitely not too early at all. I woukd have done it sooner. If you like him a lot tell him.

I told my now bf I liked him on the third date and that I'd hate the thought of him seeing anyone else. And asked what he thought about it, and we went from there. It's a conversation that just needs to be thrown out there i think so you don't talk yourself out of having it.
If you want to be exclusive, tell him sooner rather than later

TheFoundations · 19/10/2021 20:30

There's no rules. Liberate yourself. If you feel like talking to him about it, you don't need authorisation from a bunch of strangers on the internet.

The right time to do it is when you want to do it. That's true of everything. And if you find a bunch of stuff where he thinks you got the timing wrong, maybe you're not compatible.

Validate yourself: When is the right time? It's when you want to.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 20:34

We meet up around once or twice a week, we've had a couple of overnight stays but not many. We mostly just go out and have so much fun, none stop chatting and laughing.

If his answer is different to mine then I would be hurt, however id rather know now. If he was sleeping with others then I wouldn't want to be sleeping him. I'd rather be hurt by the truth than live in blissful ignorance.

I think I'll just casually say, are you dating/sleeping with other people? Rather than say that I'm not.

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 20:45

Thanks all, you are right, it's my decision and if he feels its too soon then it would always be too soon and we arent compatible. I'm not asking for his hand in marriage, im just making sure he isn't shagging other people - I need to remind myself of that. If he is then I would walk away, that's a choice I deserve to have.

OP posts:
altmember · 19/10/2021 21:57

@ToastOnCheese

We meet up around once or twice a week, we've had a couple of overnight stays but not many. We mostly just go out and have so much fun, none stop chatting and laughing.

If his answer is different to mine then I would be hurt, however id rather know now. If he was sleeping with others then I wouldn't want to be sleeping him. I'd rather be hurt by the truth than live in blissful ignorance.

I think I'll just casually say, are you dating/sleeping with other people? Rather than say that I'm not.

I wouldn't say it like that, it sounds very accusatory. Unless you've got reason to believe he's still playing the field? And why not say you're not, that sounds like game playing to not volunteer that detail yourself?

After 3 months of regularly dating you, if he's still playing the field now, he probably always will be.

But for all you know he may have come off the dating apps even before you did. He might be presuming you're both being exclusive, just like you are. So I'd use different terminology, ask him his thoughts about becoming exclusive with you, ask if you're an item/couple now.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 22:23

I've got no reason to believe he's playing the field, no. That is in the back of my head, that he just presumes we are exclusive, he certainly hasn't mentioned anything to the contrary.

Im not trying to play games, I just didn't want to volunteer that information when I dont know where he stands, but I see that looks game play-y!

Im not sure I'm ready to become an item yet, I think I'd like to spend more time doing "nothing" with him. But I would like to be exclusive, so I'll try and frame it in a less accusatory way!

OP posts:
Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 22:24

Also, I agree that if he's still dating around now then it's unlikely he'll ever commit. If that's the case then I will absolutely walk away.

OP posts:
backtoschool1234 · 19/10/2021 22:30

It depends on what you want.

I have had the conversation with people on the 2nd / 3rd date as I think if you are genuinely interested in someone and want to see where it goes you wouldn't want to date others. I've always made it clear that I won't be a stopgap whilst they carry on looking for someone better so an early conversation was necessary.

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 22:36

Ultimately, I would want a relationship with him if everything continues how it is going now.

Right this moment I don't feel ready to be boyfriend and girlfriend, not because I don't like him, I think he's ace, just because 3 months is still early days and I rushed into my last relationship.

But, I would want him to only be dating and sleeping with me, if he was still seeing other people I would end it as like you said, im not a place holder until he finds someone better.

I need to ask the question, i want to text it as in person I'm just having so much fun I don't think about all of this stuff! But I know texting it is probably frowned upon Grin

OP posts:
lmpeachment · 19/10/2021 22:40

And, if he says he is still on them, say with a tinkly laugh, so am I 😃👌🏼

DuvetDayIsEveryDay · 19/10/2021 22:42

If you are exclusive with someone then you are girlfriend and boyfriend, no ?

Anyway, I'd just say that I was enjoying meeting up with Jim and wanted to know if he was or intending to date anyone else.

Lampan · 19/10/2021 22:43

Don’t text him! If he takes ages to respond it will be awful!
I think it’s best to ask him in person, no need for it to be a ‘serious’ conversation. The way he reacts will give you clues that you’d miss if you texted him. Just say something along the lines of asking if you’re on the same page for now, say you’re having fun but have stopped dating other people and you just wondered where he was at.

TheFoundations · 19/10/2021 22:44

What's the difference between exclusively dating him and being his girlfriend, though?

And, if he says he is still on them, say with a tinkly laugh, so am I

Do people really play stupid games like this?

ExcitedtoTry · 19/10/2021 22:46

*Right this moment I don't feel ready to be boyfriend and girlfriend, not because I don't like him, I think he's ace, just because 3 months is still early days and I rushed into my last relationship.

But, I would want him to only be dating and sleeping with me, if he was still seeing other people I would end it as like you said, im not a place holder until he finds someone better.*

Isn’t that what a relationship is?

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 22:46

Haha that would be my automatic reaction! I am quite defensive if I feel hurt or that someone is taking the mick!

OP posts:
Avarua · 19/10/2021 22:47

"I'm at the point now where I think I'd feel a bit hurt if you were dating other people or still on Tinder. What about you?"
Should do it

jelly79 · 19/10/2021 22:47

Serious question...

What's the difference between being exclusive and having sex to being boyfriend a d girlfriend?

Good luck OP hope you get the right response x

Original poster
ToastOnCheese · 19/10/2021 22:50

I don't know!

In my head, exclusivity is still dating and getting to know each other but knowing that the other person isn't dating/sleeping with anyone else, nor are you.

A relationship is obviously a relationship, I dont feel ready for that yet (nothing to do with him)

Am I looking at this wrong? Should I leave it for now until I'm ready to be in a relationship with him? (I mean leave the conversation)

OP posts:
gogohm · 19/10/2021 22:56

I deleted them on the day I met dp in the car park, he had already deleted it before meeting me - 3 months is definitely enough time to know if it's right or not

CowboyBebop · 19/10/2021 23:17

Like everyone else, I agree it’s not too early to discuss where you both are in terms of expectations. Really you have nothing to lose, if he doesn’t want the same things then you need to look elsewhere. Don’t underrate your own needs. He may well be feeling the same. In my own case I asked two weeks after we started dating because I really wanted to sleep with him but only if it was exclusive. He laughed and said he had deleted Tinder already and was totally smitten with me. So it was completely worth broaching the topic!

I don’t consider it’s a boyfriend/girlfriend situation until you’ve “come out” to family and friends that you’re a couple.

Butterflyfern · 20/10/2021 06:42

@ToastOnCheese

I don't know!

In my head, exclusivity is still dating and getting to know each other but knowing that the other person isn't dating/sleeping with anyone else, nor are you.

A relationship is obviously a relationship, I dont feel ready for that yet (nothing to do with him)

Am I looking at this wrong? Should I leave it for now until I'm ready to be in a relationship with him? (I mean leave the conversation)

Lots of people do subscribe to that view, but I am also in the exclusive = bf & gf camp. All this exclusivity business just seems like another opportunity for commitment phobes to muck you about.

Besides there are different levels of relationship you know. You don't have to start seeing each other everyday or move in together now just because you are in a relationship. That would be rushing in...