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Original poster

Have you successfully got a man to take responsibility and grow up?

153 replies

Workinghardeveryday · 19/10/2021 13:13

I have been with dp for 13 years. We have 3 kids, dd15, dd10 and ds10.

I am totally fed up with running absolutely everything. I do all the washing, ironing, all housework, any diy I have to sort, shopping, cooking, birthdays for whole family. You get the picture - everything.

He does however clean up after tea on a night, if however anything is made after this time it’s all left for me again.

He will cut the grass if I ask but I have to ask. Generally forgets anything else asked of him. Spends his weekend sat in front of the tv, it’s a big deal if he comes with kids and I to walk the dog (also my responsibility).

When I ask for him to get more involved ie when we argue about it all he says is life is too short to spend it doing housework. I decided to leave the bathroom for as long as possible to see if he cleaned it. It was nearly a month before I gave in and did it. If I don’t wash his clothes he would just leave them forever in a pile. Doesn’t even put his ironing away unless asked.

I am exhausted. Everyday is the same clearing everyone else’s mess and dirt. I wfh part time which is very full on. I have to clean before work, after work and weekends.

Any ideas to get him to grow up and do his fair share? I find myself more and more resentful especially since I didn’t even get asked if I wanted a cup of tea on Mother’s Day!!

OP posts:
Thumbcat · 19/10/2021 13:18

Stop doing his washing and ironing for starters. Why would you?

LatteLover12 · 19/10/2021 13:22

I agree with @Thumbcat, you need to stop.

You've lived like this for years so it's going to take drastic action for him to even realise you're done.

That kind of behaviour from a partner is so deeply unattractive. Why do you put up with it?

I think a whole family overhaul, the kids are old enough for chores and for ensuring their laundry is at least in the basket for dirt washing.

Good luck!

Nap1983 · 19/10/2021 13:23

He sounds like a lazy ungrateful Bas tbh. There are certain things In our house I always do, but there are also things he always does, it should be 50/50 ish. I work 3 x 12 hr shifts a week and they days I work he cooks, cleans and make sure the house is tidy. The days I’m off I do it. I probably organise Christmas/birthdays a bit more.. but he always makes an effort for mine. I wouldn’t put up with any less to be honest!!

ravenmum · 19/10/2021 13:23

Sort of - now that we're divorced he does seem to clean his home. Looks a bit of a mess, though, and he usually tries to get our 21yo to cook for him.

At that age, your kids would actually benefit from learning to cook, and should be doing some of the cleaning. You can't make him do it, though.
My tip would be to get a full-time/well-paying job if possible, make a life for yourself outside the home - hobbies, friends - and generally prepare for life without him. You'll feel better for escaping the drudgery, and feel prepared to leave if you so desire.
I didn't leave my exh - turned out that his lack of interest in our home/family life was because he had other interests elsewhere. It really wasn't worth waiting to see if things got better.

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 19/10/2021 13:24

Because if I don’t he would never do it and it would just pile higher and higher. If I didn’t wash his work clothes he would clean them in the end but I suppose although he would never say it was my job to do it he would be really miffed I didn’t want to ‘look after him’....

OP posts:
notacooldad · 19/10/2021 13:27

I suppose although he would never say it was my job to do it he would be really miffed I didn’t want to ‘look after him’

You're not his carer!!
You're meant to be his partner part of a team.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 19/10/2021 13:29

"Life is to short to do housework" - this is is true for a lot of housework that people (usually women) are conditioned to do.
For the rest: are you working or are you a SAHM?
If his life is too valuable, so is yours.
Do not do his stuff, your DC are old enough to do their share (unless SEN) and try to separate the necessary chores from the 'but I want them done' chores.

stealthninjamum · 19/10/2021 13:29

Op I don’t think it’s possible for someone to change unless he wants to. I used to do everything and my exh left. His house is now so dirty that dc refuse to go there and will ask to come home to use my clean toilets!

At the very least stop doing his washing and ironing and any admin you do for him (my ex didn’t know how to tax his car so registered it off road if I didn’t do it!)

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/10/2021 13:33

I've had three long term partners minimum relationship time 8 years and all of them were bloody useless. They started off ok and as soon as there feet were under the table did bugger all. I live in a granny flat now with my DS and DiL and he does everything. Shopping DIY whatever without being asked. He makes me feel like royalty. I own 2/3rds of the house and he has a mortgage for the rest. I dont have relationships with men any more. Its too exhausting.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/10/2021 13:35

My ex husbands now live in filth.

ChameleonKola · 19/10/2021 13:35

I'm guessing he was amazing after the first child, right? Hence why you tried for two more with a man who was a great partner/father?

What changed?

BlueSlate · 19/10/2021 13:38

No. I've not tried. I've notnlivednwith anyone who wasn't a fully functioning adult. If I got any signs of them being that way I ended it.

As someone else said, it's so deeply unattractive, I'm not sure how I'd have got to the having children stage with someone like that.

I've lived with 3 men in my lifetime and in none of those times was the housework my job.

BrilloPaddy · 19/10/2021 13:38

If you act like a doormat, you can't moan when someone uses you to wipe their feet on.

I'm brutal with DH. He leaves crap lying about, he gets one chance then it's in the wheelie bin. Our DC soon learned that I meant it...... DH has been a bit slower on the uptake. He got his expensive work shoes out of the bin last week as I'd tripped over them.... we spent £600 on a shoe cupboard ffs.

And get a cleaner, it will save your sanity.

BlueSlate · 19/10/2021 13:38

@notacooldad

I suppose although he would never say it was my job to do it he would be really miffed I didn’t want to ‘look after him’

You're not his carer!!
You're meant to be his partner part of a team.

Quite.
PerseverancePays · 19/10/2021 13:41

Could he pay for a cleaner to do his share?

samwitwicky · 19/10/2021 13:43

If it bothers you, stop doing it.

Your DH is lazy because you've got into a pattern which works for him. Stop.

Clean the bathroom by all means, that's just hygienic.

But stop washing and ironing his clothes. Don't clean up the kitchen. Etc.

OR if finances allow, hire yourself a housekeeper and if he asks why, tell him it's because life is too short for housework

Original poster
Workinghardeveryday · 19/10/2021 13:45

Thank you all, very valid points.

He did used to be great, was for years and then he just ‘couldn’t be arsed’. Just makes me feel totally taken for granted and used.

If I ask him to say mop the dining room he will do it no problem (well he won’t say anything but it clearly pisses him off, isn’t mean but withdraw’.

In a way I think he will just go off me if I don’t do it! How sad is that actually.

OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 19/10/2021 13:46

@Workinghardeveryday Flowers for what you are going through. You need a little self care.

There is an old saying: ‘You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.’

I think this is very true. Your partner will become more responsible only when he wants to/chooses to.

ravenmum · 19/10/2021 13:51

@BrilloPaddy

If you act like a doormat, you can't moan when someone uses you to wipe their feet on.

I'm brutal with DH. He leaves crap lying about, he gets one chance then it's in the wheelie bin. Our DC soon learned that I meant it...... DH has been a bit slower on the uptake. He got his expensive work shoes out of the bin last week as I'd tripped over them.... we spent £600 on a shoe cupboard ffs.

And get a cleaner, it will save your sanity.

Aagh, leaving the shoes out, that used to wind me up, too. Blocked the hall so you couldn't walk in the door. I asked him to put them away. I complained about it. I put the shoes outside. I got the disapproving look that showed I was being unreasonable and a nag. One "reason", apparently, why he had to have an affair. I think this method only works with men who are decent at heart.

I'm not sure how I'd have got to the having children stage with someone like that
It can build up gradually. My exh made an effort when we were childfree - never learned to cook, but he'd get a package and follow instructions. After Child 1, he changed nappies, fed her, played with her - and I was a SAHM so expected him to do less. He started coming home late so I had to cook meals or go hungry - but he was working, so ... It wasn't until Child 2 was there and I tried to go back to work that I realised he wasn't going to support me with that, or take any time off when the kids were ill, or return to doing housework. Then he got a job for "a year" that meant he only came home at the weekend. Stopped doing housework as he wasn't there. Stayed in the job for 3 years as it was "such a great career opportunity". Got another job closer to home but never became part of the family or did any housework again.

ImustLearn2Cook · 19/10/2021 13:52

If he is too tired or just not wanting to do his fair share then he could pay a cleaner to come in to do his share. Maybe he could hire a cleaner fortnightly or if you can afford it both of you hire the cleaner weekly.

homeonthehill · 19/10/2021 13:54

Just let him go off you. Life is too short to be someone's unpaid maid

ChargingBuck · 19/10/2021 13:56

@Workinghardeveryday

Because if I don’t he would never do it and it would just pile higher and higher. If I didn’t wash his work clothes he would clean them in the end but I suppose although he would never say it was my job to do it he would be really miffed I didn’t want to ‘look after him’....
So it's YOUR job to 'look after' him, but not his to look after you?

& HIS life is too short for housework, but yours isn't?

You won't make him grow up by continuing to martyr yourself to the altar of his manchildhood.

Why does he think running the home & kids is all down to you?
What would he think of being solely responsible for his own DC every other weekend, in his own gaff? - because that is the only way you will get him to grow the fuck up & take on his own domestic load.

southeastlady · 19/10/2021 14:00

I would stop picking up his clothes, if they pile up thats on him.

I do all the washing and ironing (husband does the cooking) but I only wash whats in the basket, anything on the floor I leave

DrSbaitso · 19/10/2021 14:02

he says is life is too short to spend it doing housework

Whose life?

Triffid1 · 19/10/2021 14:11

My god, not only is he being a complete wanker, he's got you well trained hasn't he? HIS life is too short for housework, but if you don't do it, you're not "looking after him"? Bollocks to that.

The way I see it, if he doesn't feel that living in a nice environment is something he wants to contribute to, that's fine, but then he can't be surprised that doing things for him, spending time with him etc is not something you want to do.

I absolutely would point blank refuse to do his washing and ironing. And if he leaves it in a pile that irritates you, get a washing basket and just dump it all in there. If he questions it, tell him "life is too short to do washing and ironing for people who can't be bothered to help me".

But personally, i'd be questioning why you want to be in a relationship with a person who has so little respect and love for you that he can't even be bothered to make you a cup of tea on mothers day.