Have you successfully got a man to take responsibility and grow up?

[Workinghardeveryday]

I have been with dp for 13 years. We have 3 kids, dd15, dd10 and ds10.

I am totally fed up with running absolutely everything. I do all the washing, ironing, all housework, any diy I have to sort, shopping, cooking, birthdays for whole family. You get the picture - everything.

He does however clean up after tea on a night, if however anything is made after this time it’s all left for me again.

He will cut the grass if I ask but I have to ask. Generally forgets anything else asked of him. Spends his weekend sat in front of the tv, it’s a big deal if he comes with kids and I to walk the dog (also my responsibility).

When I ask for him to get more involved ie when we argue about it all he says is life is too short to spend it doing housework. I decided to leave the bathroom for as long as possible to see if he cleaned it. It was nearly a month before I gave in and did it. If I don’t wash his clothes he would just leave them forever in a pile. Doesn’t even put his ironing away unless asked.

I am exhausted. Everyday is the same clearing everyone else’s mess and dirt. I wfh part time which is very full on. I have to clean before work, after work and weekends.

Any ideas to get him to grow up and do his fair share? I find myself more and more resentful especially since I didn’t even get asked if I wanted a cup of tea on Mother’s Day!!

I am a mug I agree and it is wearing very thin now.

I just really can’t have anymore drama because of me bringing it up but equally can’t be arsed with carrying on!

Thank you all for your advice, all noted and agree with it

Why don’t you just start living how you want it to be?

I left him. Now, weirdly, he keeps his house really nicely when he treated ours like a dump and left me to do it all.
I’d leave personally. He wont change, not whilst in your relationship at least. This sort of man child seems only too common amongst my friends too. I’d personally rather be single than ever put up with that again…though I have now found a partner who does his share without needing to be reminded once.

Do you really want your daughter's growing up believing that they should be slaves to men? Because this is what you are teaching them.

Ask your P to leave. The house will be tidier without him and your outgoings will lessen (less food, less electricity, less council tax etc) and your workload will be halved.

Teach your DC that if someone disrespects you, you kick them to the kerb and move on, you're better off without them.

Be very clear about what is happening.

"We are splitting up because you refuse to do the washing, cooking, ironing, cleaning, food prep, gardening etc without me asking, or giving some kind of instruction. You do not behave like a grown up and it's wrong to have a relationship with a child.

You can live a life where going forward you will have to clear up after yourself as there's no one else there to do it. You are choosing to separate this family rather than share the hiusework load with me.

It would be wrong of me as a parent to give this as an example of a grown up relationship to our 3 children, because it's not a healthy, loving and equal partnership and I do not want them to base their future relationships on what they see at home currently."

Promise yourself that everyday you will say, 'Life is too short to'
No need for ironing at all. Just do your own and dc washing. Train up the dc. Look for a better paid job, you could do that instead of ironing. Go on strike. Too tired for nooky. Too much to do.

No one is answering the original question, everyone is telling op what a useless lump he is. I suspect the answer is 'no'.

Rubs your feet and sends loving texts against refusing to do any fucking grunt work.

Bloody hell.

What happened to you to make you feel like you do, scared, about telling him he needs to be a decent man or else ?

After you've put up with this crappy treatment for 13 years, the only ideas I have are life is too short to accept this kind of contempt from your DP, and you should leave him today.

But then I think that I am CEV, he could have had vaccine way before he was due but wouldn’t because he is anti vaxer. Yet if he wants to go on family holiday next year he will consider having it!!!!!!! I just feel like a total mug

OMG, he’s putting your life at risk because he’s anti vac but may get one next year to go on holiday?!
Most partners were rushing out to get vaccinated in order to protect their loved ones. I know its hard to hear, but he really isn’t a nice person! Along with him being a lazy bastard!

Goodness he sounds awful. That is not normal behaviour and I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone like that. I couldn’t bring myself to be intimate with someone who so clearly can’t take care of himself. Do you really still fancy him??

OP this is NOT ok. He is treating you really badly. The worst thing? Your children will be seeing this and are growing up thinking this is normal/ok

@SisforSoppy

Did you miss the bit where the guy won't get the vaccine to protect his CEV partner, but will if it gets him a holiday? Yes, I missed that post.

But wrt to men who pull their weight…literally none. So, I stand by my original comment that outside MN these creatures are so rare they are almost worthy of unicorn status.

No they aren’t. I know many. I believe you are finding evidence to fit your narrative that all men are like your husband, and ignoring all the evidence to the contrary.

The vast majority of men I know pull their weight in the home with both the mental and the physical load.

The last man I knew who really didn’t was my own father. It drove me potty to see my mother rushing around whilst my father sat around not doing much. And yes, she would give him jobs to do, but it was always for show really, as she knew I hated how lazy he was in the home (lovely warm, kind, generous father to me, I must say)

The problem is you should have started as you meant to go on.
Been there myself and learned the hard way.

Get him to pay for a cleaner.
You’ll no doubt carry on with a hell of a lot anyway.

What I don’t understand is that you seem scared of him in the sense you don’t want to rock the boat about this with him? He’s on a win win all the time.

Thankfully you’re not married and it’s your house.

Do you ever wonder if his good behaviour at the beginning was just to get his feet under the table?

He’s seriously taking the piss.

Show him this thread.. and if that doesn't fix the issue and make him realise how exhausted you are then simply tell him to pack his bags.

I have changed my DH 5 years ago which was your question. I had a breakdown, that's what it took for him to notice I was on my knees.

He almost lost his wife, he's now some perfect husband and does more than his fair share without being asked ever, but tbh Im still resentful that it took that much, you'll be stacking resentment right now and you will snap over something.

It's not a healthy place for you all the stress on you.

Obviously do not show him the thread.
Google why it’s a stupid idea if you don’t already know.

My ex was the same - did nothing but would critisize what I had done and said the house was not clean enough. I ended up burning myself out looking after the house, him and a new born baby
Living with some one is a partner ship and if it isn't ...get out and you willonly have your mess to clean up - my toddler was more help around the house than he was - waste of space and lazy

You are all so right I know. If you all knew the rest of what he has done you would think I was absolutely crazy for putting up with it all.

I honestly don’t know why I do other than I am terrified of being alone. A few months ago I asked him to leave and he did. I was fine that night, went to bed and went to sleep. Woke up in the early hours and it sort of hit me he was gone. I was totally devastated. No matter how much I cried there was no release of this utter horrible feeling I cannot even describe. I was totally heartbroken, I couldn’t live my life for a day feeling like that. Couldn’t sleep, eat, think about anything else.

I asked him to come back, it was all me doing the chasing and trying to work through it.

Life would be easier if I didn’t feel that way. I can’t ask him to go because I can’t handle the thought of feeling like that again.

Generally I am a very strong person. I have a responsible stressful job. I don’t take shit from other people, so why do I from him? He’s no great catch, not particularly good looking (although he thinks he is). Why do I put up with it? I ask myself that all the time

OP, I thought you sounded familiar, so did a search and read your previous threads. Including the bum one.

You need therapy/counselling. It’s very clear and you’ve been told this on multiple threads, is there a reason that you’re resistant to the idea? You can’t go on like this, and - as you’re still in the exact same situation as when all this started - it’s apparent that MN isn’t able to provide the level of support you need. Please seek professional support.

Thank you. I have had therapy before and spent thousands on it. Did nothing at all (for anxiety).

Sometimes having a perspective of complete strangers from all walks of life opens your eyes a lot.

I have taken on board everything that has been said to me in the past and it has definitely changed my outlook on my relationship. I look at him completely differently to a couple of years ago believe me, all because of mn.

Just saying it’s not like I am having a whinge and doing nothing about it. I have spoken to a solicitor a while ago so I know where I stand.

We are talking about breaking up my family, it’s nothing I will do lightly especially if I don’t feel strong enough to do it

he would be really miffed I didn’t want to ‘look after him’....

Hmm what you have there is a man baby who thinks having a penis makes him above cleaning up after himself.

Never mind if he will "go off you" do you even find that attractive?

I honestly don’t know why I do other than I am terrified of being alone. A few months ago I asked him to leave and he did. I was fine that night, went to bed and went to sleep. Woke up in the early hours and it sort of hit me he was gone. I was totally devastated. No matter how much I cried there was no release of this utter horrible feeling I cannot even describe. I was totally heartbroken, I couldn’t live my life for a day feeling like that. Couldn’t sleep, eat, think about anything else.

OP, have a quick read about trauma bonding.
cptsdfoundation.org/2019/11/22/recognizing-and-breaking-a-trauma-bond/

I suspect that this was at play.
But think on ... once you have got past that initial feeling of panic - & you CAN do this - next time will be easier, because you know you've already climbed that mountain.
It will then start happening less frequently, & eventually fade away.

It's not heartbreak, it's a recognised symptom of psychological abuse, & that means there are also recognised techniques for dealing with it.

This cocklodger is no good for you, & the relationship is not want you want to be modelling to your kids. As to breaking up a family - do you not accept that you family is already broken, because this man has wrecked its mother?

I honestly don’t know why I do other than I am terrified of being alone

Yeah, OP he knows that and is playing you like a fiddle.

What specifically is terrifying for you about being alone? You are clearly a capable woman so why is it little girl lost when it comes to relationships?

People pleasing and low self esteem?

You’ve been posting about this for much of the year and your eyes may be opened, but you are still saying:

“I honestly don’t know why I do other than I am terrified of being alone. A few months ago I asked him to leave and he did. I was fine that night, went to bed and went to sleep. Woke up in the early hours and it sort of hit me he was gone. I was totally devastated. No matter how much I cried there was no release of this utter horrible feeling I cannot even describe. I was totally heartbroken, I couldn’t live my life for a day feeling like that. Couldn’t sleep, eat, think about anything else.

I asked him to come back, it was all me doing the chasing and trying to work through it.

Life would be easier if I didn’t feel that way. I can’t ask him to go because I can’t handle the thought of feeling like that again.”

Nobody is expecting you to take anything lightly. However, you must admit that what you’ve written isn’t healthy. You cannot continue like this, therefore something must change. The most logical route for that is therapy. I’m sorry if it didn’t work for you previously, but not all therapies/methodologies/therapists are the same, there is probably something out there that will work for you, but you’ll need to put in the legwork to find it.

Put it this way, what’s the alternative? Just letting this be your life forever because being alone frightens you so much?

It doesn't seem to have occurred to you that your anxiety is probably caused by living in a toxic environment.

Deal with the biggest issue and the other things will likely be easier to resolve

A PP jogged my memory.

This is the guy responsible for tearful
and dramatic conversations about how your bum isn't big enough and he would like you to have bum implants and you were doing bum workouts four times a day to try to please him?

OP, what on earth. What would you say to anyone else who thought they couldn't live without this dolt?