Have you successfully got a man to take responsibility and grow up?

[Workinghardeveryday]

I have been with dp for 13 years. We have 3 kids, dd15, dd10 and ds10.

I am totally fed up with running absolutely everything. I do all the washing, ironing, all housework, any diy I have to sort, shopping, cooking, birthdays for whole family. You get the picture - everything.

He does however clean up after tea on a night, if however anything is made after this time it’s all left for me again.

He will cut the grass if I ask but I have to ask. Generally forgets anything else asked of him. Spends his weekend sat in front of the tv, it’s a big deal if he comes with kids and I to walk the dog (also my responsibility).

When I ask for him to get more involved ie when we argue about it all he says is life is too short to spend it doing housework. I decided to leave the bathroom for as long as possible to see if he cleaned it. It was nearly a month before I gave in and did it. If I don’t wash his clothes he would just leave them forever in a pile. Doesn’t even put his ironing away unless asked.

I am exhausted. Everyday is the same clearing everyone else’s mess and dirt. I wfh part time which is very full on. I have to clean before work, after work and weekends.

Any ideas to get him to grow up and do his fair share? I find myself more and more resentful especially since I didn’t even get asked if I wanted a cup of tea on Mother’s Day!!

My amazing partner does his fair share. Sadly it is because he was widowed and had to step up to running a household. That meant he learned exactly what was involved.

Your partner sounds like an absolute selfish dickhead. I guess you are also doing the emotional wife work of duty sex too?

He says life is too short to do housework. Isn’t life also too short to spend in an unhappy relationship?

It’s bit about division of labour, it’s about attitude to that division.

@DrSbaitso

he says is life is too short to spend it doing housework

Whose life?

Brilliant 😂

Mine looked rather shocked when I told him that he needed to do his laundry but he has got used to it. If he leave piles of clothes on the bedroom floor I ask him to move them - once. If they aren’t moved within a few hours I grab them, open his wardrobe door and chuck them in.
If he doesn’t open his post it goes in a box marked post. I simply won’t put up with stuff lying around the place.
He keeps telling me he’ll do recipes from a food magazine that someone bought me a subscription for. I give it a week once I’ve taken anything out of it that I want to keep and then in the recycling bin it goes.
I do cleaning, he does diy. He cooks, I wash up. Where I’ve had to put my foot down is family things - getting gifts for his family. He does that now.

Walk out. Just leave them all to fend for themselves for a weekend. And draw up a plan.

When you're dealing with someone as lazy as your DH, I'm afraid the only way to make them change is to make their life so uncomfortable that pulling their weight becomes the easy option.

And don't worry about minding their feelings. Just be brutally honest. "You are not a toddler, DH, you are a grown adult. So of course I'm not interested in taking care of you. I am however very interested in you doing your share to take care of our joint house and our joint children. Otherwise, next year you'll probably be living alone".

@Workinghardeveryday

Because if I don’t he would never do it and it would just pile higher and higher. If I didn’t wash his work clothes he would clean them in the end but I suppose although he would never say it was my job to do it he would be really miffed I didn’t want to ‘look after him’....

He admits he's incapable of looking after himself, then?

That's attractive...

Get a cleaner.

"Life is to short to do housework" - this is is true for a lot of housework that people (usually women) are conditioned to do.
For the rest: are you working or are you a SAHM?
If his life is too valuable, so is yours.
Do not do his stuff, your DC are old enough to do their share (unless SEN) and try to separate the necessary chores from the 'but I want them done' chores.

My ex never grew up he went from my house to mummy to his nan his brothers his girlfriend back to his brothers then to his new girlfriend they all take care of him they all got irate with me because I expected him to (trigger warning ⚠️) wash up! Put his clothing in the washing basket! Cook occasionally

My god, not only is he being a complete wanker, he's got you well trained hasn't he? HIS life is too short for housework, but if you don't do it, you're not "looking after him"? Bollocks to that.
This.
In terms of how, it’s hard after all this time.
-By stopping. His washing, any ironing and get the dc to say dad can you iron my uniform for next week.
-By calmly responding to any discussion with you and your time are important too, he’s always said life is too short to do housework and one day you realised he meant his life but not your life which is apparently insignificant.

-By picking a day you don’t work and say you aren’t cooking dinner anymore.
-by clearing stuff into bin bags if you can’t stand it.

Probably the biggest thing you can do though is train your dc to NOT be like him.

Probably the biggest thing you can do though is train your dc to NOT be like him.

I disagree with this because it puts the onus on the woman to do the training and if we are unsuccessful then the woman is to blame.

A grown up will be able to see what needs doing, should they actually want to, and if they don’t know how to do it, YouTube is very helpful. It is not the woman’s job to train up in house management.

It is import to me the kids don’t see everything I do and think it’s a woman’s job. Ds even says he won’t be like daddy when he grows up and will Hoover with the cordless if I ask him - for money..

It does make me feel totally worthless. Mother’s Day was hurtful especially as I didn’t even get a card the year before and this year I was decorating dd bedroom all day on my own.

I just need to change his mindset without him hating me for it, can it actually be done?!

I do know I shouldn’t stand for it abd stick up for myself but in the past it has caused so many problems

It’s not your job to get him to grow up - it’s his own job.

He should have grown up before having children.

I just need to change his mindset without him hating me for it, can it actually be done?!

But he has no incentive to change his mindset. Currently he gets cooking, cleaning, washing etc on tap. Sex too probably.And he doesn't have to do anything for it, not even make a token effort on mothers day. So yes, he will hate you for forcing him to change. On the other hand, he clearly doesn't like you very much as it is so....

He's being a total shit. But it is not your responsibility to make him grow up. Stop washing his clothes, let him sort out his own dinner/lunch etc and just do what you need to do for yourself and the kids. I'm a SAHM, very fortunate to be in a position to be so. I wash, hang out and iron the laundry, clean the bathrooms, living room, kitchen, bedrooms etc, cook dinner, help with homework - essentially the main bulk of the housework and typical 'mum' duties. My husband works full time, but he has no issue with putting his clean clothes away, cleaning up after dinner, taking out the rubbish, walking the dog, doing our sons bedtime, doing some cleaning and tidying over the weekend. Our son helps to empty the dishwasher, makes his bed and puts his clothes away as we want him to grow up to see housework as his responsibility too when he leaves home and not something that is just automatically done for him. Part of the reason he does it without moaning about it is probably because he sees his dad doing his fair share and not just seeing mum do all of it. Just because you may work less hours then him doesn't mean he can completely wash his hands of doing things around the house - you are not a slave and shouldn't do absolutely everything all of the time. So stop doing everything for him, or if he really won't change then I think you need to really reconsider whether this is someone you want to be married to.

I just need to change his mindset without him hating me for it, can it actually be done?!

Well you can't change anyone, for a start. And if he was going to change himself, which people don't really do, I think he'd have done it at some point in the last 13 years and three children.

I do know I shouldn’t stand for it abd stick up for myself but in the past it has caused so many problems

For whom?

How can you change him? Especially when he's spent the last 13 years training you?

'In a way I think he will just go off me if I don’t do it! How sad is that actually.'

If he does, he didn't love you in the first place.

So yes, he will hate you for forcing him to change. On the other hand, he clearly doesn't like you very much as it is so....

Brutal but true. Your husband doesn’t actually like you or respect you, he sees you as a servant and beneath him. He doesn’t want to change. So you have a choice, servitude or freedom.

He should have grown up before he had children.
I love the quote, 'If you act like a doormat, don't be surprised when people wipe their feet on you'.
Time to get tough.

You’re lucky he cuts the grass ! My ex did less than yours does. And mine was retired. I had to ask him to help and then he would do such a bad job of it. So I gave up and did everything myself with a part time job too.

I had two kids and always thought you need a hands on man to survive with 3.

After the divorce I fell in love with a batchelor, he cooks, cleans and does diy very well indeed without me ever to ask.

“At that age, your kids would actually benefit from learning to cook, and should be doing some of the cleaning. You can't make him do it, though.
My tip would be to get a full-time/well-paying job if possible, make a life for yourself outside the home - hobbies, friends - and generally prepare for life without him. You'll feel better for escaping the drudgery, and feel prepared to leave if you so desire.”

This.

Stop pushing water up hill.

He is choosing to slowly suffocate your marriage by his ugly deluded entitlement.

Teach your DC that you are a team - and reward them for their efforts. Do not absorb his chores though.

Do DIY for main meal at weekends - let kids make their own food - on the 4 of you eat out.

Eat with the kids before he gets home during the week.

Don’t shop, cook, clean, life admin or do laundry for him.

Work full time and plot your escape - proactively seek out time with people who treat you with kindness and respect - do not be in the company of someone who treats you with utter contempt.

Stop wasting your finite energy on this futile battle - redirect it to self care and planning for a brighter future.

These types never change, they double down and become more intransigent. They can slowly suck the joy out of your life and you end up becoming a depleted person that you don’t recognise.

Know when the game is up.

He's a DP so you're not married and you have 3 kids with him and you work part time. Do you have any assets in your name? Sounds to me like you are financially trapped with this user. Id be looking for full time work asap and getting myself an escape plan together. Your only value to him is your utility, and you're not getting paid for that. Start putting yourself first.

All savings we/I have are in my name. He earns a good wage but squanders all of it every month on crap. The only reason he could afford to live in a house like this is because I owned it before we met (bought first house at 18 and sold it for a lot lot more than I bought 18 months later, then renovated this house). Just trying to paint a picture. I obviously need his half now for mortgage and bills but with his maintenance and uc I could survive but nothing left over at all for emergencies.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to split, he’s not horrible, rubs my feet on a night, loving texts during the day. I just can’t go on like this really.

But then I think that I am CEV, he could have had vaccine way before he was due but wouldn’t because he is anti vaxer. Yet if he wants to go on family holiday next year he will consider having it!!!!!!! I just feel like a total mug

I do know I shouldn’t stand for it abd stick up for myself but in the past it has caused so many problems
In a way I think he will just go off me if I don’t do it!
You're afraid of what will happen, but have you really thought about what will happen or are you too afraid to even do so?

Let's say you have the choice between:
A - put up with it
B - kindly, but unequivocally, or angrily and loudly make it clear it's not on

A --> you feel like shit the whole time, it affects the amount of work you can do and thus affects your earning capacity, you don't have time for friends/family/fun so may become isolated, he may lose what little respect he has for you and end up treating you worse or finding someone else
B --> i. he changes and things improve
or ii. he gets pissed off and you return to A
or iii. he gets pissed off and you break up --> you don't have to put up with his disrespect, you have to clean less, he looks after the kids some of the time and you have more time for you/your friends/your career, you might find a partner who does respect you

Have you thought about counselling, for you, not him?

But then I think that I am CEV, he could have had vaccine way before he was due but wouldn’t because he is anti vaxer. Yet if he wants to go on family holiday next year he will consider having it!!!!!!!

Let me get this straight. You are CEV, meaning Covid is a very serious risk for you and you are not in rude health at the best of times...and this guy will not be vaccinated for that reason, but will if it means he gets a holiday?

And is prepared to see you (shit)work yourself into the ground?

In a way I think he will just go off me if I don’t do it! How sad is that actually.

And what would you be losing exactly? A man who treats you like his unpaid housekeeper and refuses to be vaccinated despite you being CEV.....
It's doesn't sound like a huge loss tbh. He's treating you like shit.