Have you successfully got a man to take responsibility and grow up?

[Workinghardeveryday]

I have been with dp for 13 years. We have 3 kids, dd15, dd10 and ds10.

I am totally fed up with running absolutely everything. I do all the washing, ironing, all housework, any diy I have to sort, shopping, cooking, birthdays for whole family. You get the picture - everything.

He does however clean up after tea on a night, if however anything is made after this time it’s all left for me again.

He will cut the grass if I ask but I have to ask. Generally forgets anything else asked of him. Spends his weekend sat in front of the tv, it’s a big deal if he comes with kids and I to walk the dog (also my responsibility).

When I ask for him to get more involved ie when we argue about it all he says is life is too short to spend it doing housework. I decided to leave the bathroom for as long as possible to see if he cleaned it. It was nearly a month before I gave in and did it. If I don’t wash his clothes he would just leave them forever in a pile. Doesn’t even put his ironing away unless asked.

I am exhausted. Everyday is the same clearing everyone else’s mess and dirt. I wfh part time which is very full on. I have to clean before work, after work and weekends.

Any ideas to get him to grow up and do his fair share? I find myself more and more resentful especially since I didn’t even get asked if I wanted a cup of tea on Mother’s Day!!

@DrSbaitso Yup! Tis she.

You seem really worried about what he thinks of you (you don't want to upset him or anger him by raising your perfectly valid points) but he doesn't care what you think about him.

He doesn't show you any love or care or respect. You are CEV but he won't have the jab? That's shocking. But he'll have it so he can go abroad. So it isn't a strong principle. This feels like he's intentionally showing you how much (how little) he cares about you. He wants you to know you aren't important. Not as important as a holiday to him.

He is lazy. Thinks he's good looking when he isn't. Thinks his life is too important to spend doing housework, but your worthless life should be spent running around after him. He doesn't care if you're worked in to the ground. Bad with money. He is a bad father. A poor, poor, husband.

All this and because he sends loving texts and rubs your feet you think you should be grateful! Anyone can send a quick text - which is presumably aimed at keeping you sweet so you'll continue to tun yourself ragged making his life easy.

Why does he think you have a duty to look after him but not vice versa?

None of this is normal. This is not a good, healthy relationship. He is a lazy, selfish man who doesn't respect or care for you. You deserve so much better than him.

In the very short term I would stop doing anything that is just for him. Don't wash, sort, iron his clothes. Don't cook for him. Don't deal with his admin or buy his family cards or gifts. Son't buy things he likes to eat.

And if you think that's all too big and scary, remember that is how he treats you EVERY DAY. You would just be treating him equally.

But longer term, I don't know how you can stay with someone who is so lazy and selfish, and who cares so little about you. You would be so much happier apart from him.

What are you trying to save, OP? What does he represent for you?

Are you trying to recapture an early part of your relationship? How long did that period last? And how long has it been since it was like that? How real and sustainable was it?

All you say is do very right and I agree totally. Maybe I am trying to claw back the beginning where it was amazing. We were so in love. I was the happiest I have ever been on my whole life without question. I was content, peaceful, loved.

I don’t know, I just want that. I just want to feel confident, valued, appreciated, important

I can see I am trying to save a really shitty relationship. I really just don’t understand why

Sunken costs, and fear of the uncertain, and I bet most of all habit.

you deserve better, lovely.

@Workinghardeveryday

All you say is do very right and I agree totally. Maybe I am trying to claw back the beginning where it was amazing. We were so in love. I was the happiest I have ever been on my whole life without question. I was content, peaceful, loved.

I don’t know, I just want that. I just want to feel confident, valued, appreciated, important

But how do you feel NOW?

And how do you expect to feel in the future? What have you got to look forward to?

Please leave.
I’m single and don’t have family but it is so much better to not have this kind of ball and chain.
Set yourself free!

@DrSbaitso

he says is life is too short to spend it doing housework

Whose life?

THIS!!!!!!!!

I can see I am trying to save a really shitty relationship. I really just don’t understand why

Because you have extremely low self esteem. All your "anxiety" is caused by this relationship. That will never be 'cured' until you let it go.

This is going around in circles. You have no self esteem because of this relationship, and you won't end the relationship because of low self esteem. You are desperate for him to validate you, (which he withholds as a means of keeping you in check).

He's done such a number on you that you spend all your time putting some braindead shit stain on a pedestal desperate for validation from him.

Are you really the bum implants poster and if so how do you even fuck that loser never mind be in a relationship with it!!??

I'm completely puzzled, really I am. Another woman desperate to be with some fucktard who ain't shit. 🤦‍♀️

FFS OP open your eyes already!!

We are talking about breaking up my family, it’s nothing I will do lightly especially if I don’t feel strong enough to do it

You're actually talking about stopping modelling incredibly unhealthy relationship behaviour to your kids, especially your 15 year old daughter who is on the brink of her first relationships and currently thinks it's a man's job to do what they want when they want and a woman's job to accommodate a man's wishes, work themselves into the ground, be exhausted and stay in a relationship where they are not valued, respected or supported. How do you think that will affect her future relationships? The longer you stay, the greater that effect will be.

God OP, what an utterly miserable life you have.

He sounds like such a lazy, selfish waster.

So sad to read you clearly place so little value on your one precious life.

Dear OP, the therapy did nothing for your anxiety because, in all likelihood, the relationship is causing your anxiety.
Would you consider seeking out some counselling (it doesn't have to be expensive - you can sometimes access it through your job's EAP) and be explicit that your goal is to feel empowered to leave this abusive man?

If this really is the bum implant guy, what on EARTH are you doing? Please pick up your self respect and boot him the hell out of your house. And you have a 15 year old daughter? Seriously, you can't possibly think this is a good and healthy way to live your one precious life! God, I wish I could tell him to pack his bags and fuck off for you. I am furious for you, why aren't you angry?

@SisforSoppy

Did you miss the bit where the guy won't get the vaccine to protect his CEV partner, but will if it gets him a holiday? Yes, I missed that post.

But wrt to men who pull their weight…literally none. So, I stand by my original comment that outside MN these creatures are so rare they are almost worthy of unicorn status.

You set your bar too low, pleat your of decent men pulling their weight out there.

Change your social circles.

OP, nothing will change if nothing changes.

Stop doing all the work, if he goes off you, then he never respected you in the first place!

Thank you all. I totally agree with all said honestly.

Tonight I went out!!! I don’t go out, not since Covid anyway because I am CEV. My friend has a restaurant and said he would keep one part just for us!!

We had a lovely night until we were chatting about the house and how I struggled to do everything. Believe me, I was not accusing or mean or confrontational in anyway at all. He was NOT happy. Got all moody and stormed off and left me. I walked 3 miles home on my own.

Got home, he is still in a mood. Wtf am I doing.

I did stick up for myself. Asked why I wasn’t allowed to discuss that subject, he said it is not what you talk about on date night. Then said he didn’t want to go out anyway! He asked me to go!!!

Just makes me feel humiliated really that I thought he wanted to spend time with me. Confused

I see that he is a dick. I see that now.

I need to just get my head around splitting, get something inside me where I just think, ‘fuck it’ and move on

@Workinghardeveryday

Thank you all. I totally agree with all said honestly.

Tonight I went out!!! I don’t go out, not since Covid anyway because I am CEV. My friend has a restaurant and said he would keep one part just for us!!

We had a lovely night until we were chatting about the house and how I struggled to do everything. Believe me, I was not accusing or mean or confrontational in anyway at all. He was NOT happy. Got all moody and stormed off and left me. I walked 3 miles home on my own.

Got home, he is still in a mood. Wtf am I doing.

I did stick up for myself. Asked why I wasn’t allowed to discuss that subject, he said it is not what you talk about on date night. Then said he didn’t want to go out anyway! He asked me to go!!!

Just makes me feel humiliated really that I thought he wanted to spend time with me. Confused

How did he get home? Did he drive? Did he pay the bill and thank the friend for reserving you an area on a Friday night?

He sounds bloody awful TBH!

I wonder if he senses something is changing in you OP?

Seems like you dared to broach the subject and him storming out is designed to stop you ever raising it again as you will know how he will react.

I see a lot of women on here searching for the magic words or actions that will get through to their partner and make them see that they need to step up.

The answer is almost always that he knows, he just doesn't care. It's very difficult to accept.

If it's too difficult for you to throw him out just yet, move forward as per suggestions previously- start focusing on yourself and what you want. Take deep breaths, go for a walk, remind yourself this life belongs to you.

I got all excited then and thought you had gone out with friends , the way you were !!!!

.

He won't change. So you have to. NO man is worth the amount he makes you feel shit. And while you are with him you won't have the space to grow, get over the anxiety which he probably causes, see how fast that diminishes, or meet the man who will treat you the way you should be should you decide you'd like a relationship with a decent grown up.

I had one of these. He used to be too lazy to even bend down to take his own socks off. He'd use his toes from the other foot to roll the sock down while he gawped at the telly and then leave him them both on the floor for me to pick up. They looked like little Marvel themed condoms. Made my blood boil. His response: "my mum always picked them up"

He didn't clean. He didn't wash. He didn't even drive. I used to get up at 5am to drop him at his part time work, then come back and clean. Then my own job (full time, main earner)
I'd walk in after 8 hours in the office, plus an hour's commute each way and he'd be on the sofa playing Xbox in his PJs. ("What's for dinner?") That is, when he wasn't at his mum's house, on her sofa, watching Deal or No Deal in the special PJs she kept for him there.

I think he did make some improvements but I had to divorce him. Now I'm married to a good one. He's up with the kids now, while I have a lie in. We don't split it 50/50 but he tries really hard for me.

Do you love yours, OP? You don't sound at all happy.

With my ex, I stopped doing it all. It built up and built up ("why is the fridge empty?" / "I've had to wipe my arse with kitchen roll" / "I don't have any clean work shirts") until eventually he left me. Walked out and... moved back in with his mum. Urgh.

@PeeAche

I had one of these. He used to be too lazy to even bend down to take his own socks off. He'd use his toes from the other foot to roll the sock down while he gawped at the telly and then leave him them both on the floor for me to pick up. They looked like little Marvel themed condoms. Made my blood boil. His response: "my mum always picked them up"

He didn't clean. He didn't wash. He didn't even drive. I used to get up at 5am to drop him at his part time work, then come back and clean. Then my own job (full time, main earner)
I'd walk in after 8 hours in the office, plus an hour's commute each way and he'd be on the sofa playing Xbox in his PJs. ("What's for dinner?") That is, when he wasn't at his mum's house, on her sofa, watching Deal or No Deal in the special PJs she kept for him there.

I think he did make some improvements but I had to divorce him. Now I'm married to a good one. He's up with the kids now, while I have a lie in. We don't split it 50/50 but he tries really hard for me.

Do you love yours, OP? You don't sound at all happy.

With my ex, I stopped doing it all. It built up and built up ("why is the fridge empty?" / "I've had to wipe my arse with kitchen roll" / "I don't have any clean work shirts") until eventually he left me. Walked out and... moved back in with his mum. Urgh.

Dafuq?

The comment about how his mum always picked them up made me think it couldn't get worse...

Why didn't you ditch him? That's not an accusatory question. What made you feel unable to dump his useless, slobby, lazy arse?

@PeeAche

I had one of these. He used to be too lazy to even bend down to take his own socks off. He'd use his toes from the other foot to roll the sock down while he gawped at the telly and then leave him them both on the floor for me to pick up. They looked like little Marvel themed condoms. Made my blood boil. His response: "my mum always picked them up"

He didn't clean. He didn't wash. He didn't even drive. I used to get up at 5am to drop him at his part time work, then come back and clean. Then my own job (full time, main earner)
I'd walk in after 8 hours in the office, plus an hour's commute each way and he'd be on the sofa playing Xbox in his PJs. ("What's for dinner?") That is, when he wasn't at his mum's house, on her sofa, watching Deal or No Deal in the special PJs she kept for him there.

I think he did make some improvements but I had to divorce him. Now I'm married to a good one. He's up with the kids now, while I have a lie in. We don't split it 50/50 but he tries really hard for me.

Do you love yours, OP? You don't sound at all happy.

With my ex, I stopped doing it all. It built up and built up ("why is the fridge empty?" / "I've had to wipe my arse with kitchen roll" / "I don't have any clean work shirts") until eventually he left me. Walked out and... moved back in with his mum. Urgh.

He sounds horrific. Glad you got away from him!

OP your partner sounds rubbish. Rip the bandaid off!

My ex didn’t do anything either. I desperately tried to get him to grow up but all I got for it was resentment from him. It’s so much better being by myself.

My ex said that I would “realise everything [he] does around the house!” when he left. It was the opposite. I realised how LITTLE he had been doing. My housework/childcare load did not change at all. I was already a single parent, just with a moody childish roommate.

I hope you can get your head around leaving soon. Don’t waste any more time on him.

What is it with some men who behave this way. It’s like they don’t want a partner at all, they want a cleaner/cook/laundrette/nanny they can shag when they can be bothered.

Total silence in here this morning, obviously I am being punished for last night, another weekend of the silent treatment. When it is eventually discussed it will all be my fault because I was unreasonable because I had 2 glasses of wine (he doesn’t like me having a drink). I don’t think 2 glasses of wine with a big meal over 3 hours and a jug of water is excessive!

He paid before he left. Just stood up - he was very annoyed, left the room, paid and left. He walked home too. Hasn’t spoken to me since