Have you successfully got a man to take responsibility and grow up?

[Workinghardeveryday]

I have been with dp for 13 years. We have 3 kids, dd15, dd10 and ds10.

I am totally fed up with running absolutely everything. I do all the washing, ironing, all housework, any diy I have to sort, shopping, cooking, birthdays for whole family. You get the picture - everything.

He does however clean up after tea on a night, if however anything is made after this time it’s all left for me again.

He will cut the grass if I ask but I have to ask. Generally forgets anything else asked of him. Spends his weekend sat in front of the tv, it’s a big deal if he comes with kids and I to walk the dog (also my responsibility).

When I ask for him to get more involved ie when we argue about it all he says is life is too short to spend it doing housework. I decided to leave the bathroom for as long as possible to see if he cleaned it. It was nearly a month before I gave in and did it. If I don’t wash his clothes he would just leave them forever in a pile. Doesn’t even put his ironing away unless asked.

I am exhausted. Everyday is the same clearing everyone else’s mess and dirt. I wfh part time which is very full on. I have to clean before work, after work and weekends.

Any ideas to get him to grow up and do his fair share? I find myself more and more resentful especially since I didn’t even get asked if I wanted a cup of tea on Mother’s Day!!

Is he grotty in other ways? What's his personal hygiene like? Does he take pride in some things/areas of his life & just generally messy at home? Eg is his car clean but home is a mess?

How far does his slobbiness go?

As others have said stop doing all his washing. Buy some big tubs to put his crap in so you don't have to see it or find it a home.

I couldn't live with someone who told me his time was too valuable to do unpaid work, so he was going to steal my time instead for it. As for the vaccination business, that is beyond shocking. He has no respect for you and without respect there is no love.

You'll find without an adult male to clean up after and pay for your time spent and costs go down substantially. Id tell him its over and he needs to leave. That you're very sad about it but you wont be treated with such disrespect any longer. See how much he enjoys renting and doing everything for himself. If you actually want him to change I suspect this might be the only way.

Omg OP your life would be so much easier without him

He’s not a ‘partner’, he’s just a shitty boyfriend. Your standards are so low you think you need to ‘change your mindset’ about this pointless bloke instead of dumping him and enjoying life. There are zero downsides to dumping him, you’ve already wasted decades on this leech, don’t waste more.

@Workinghardeveryday

All savings we/I have are in my name. He earns a good wage but squanders all of it every month on crap. The only reason he could afford to live in a house like this is because I owned it before we met (bought first house at 18 and sold it for a lot lot more than I bought 18 months later, then renovated this house). Just trying to paint a picture. I obviously need his half now for mortgage and bills but with his maintenance and uc I could survive but nothing left over at all for emergencies.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to split, he’s not horrible, rubs my feet on a night, loving texts during the day. I just can’t go on like this really.

But then I think that I am CEV, he could have had vaccine way before he was due but wouldn’t because he is anti vaxer. Yet if he wants to go on family holiday next year he will consider having it!!!!!!! I just feel like a total mug

Sounds like a cock-lodger / hobo-sexual as well if it’s your sole property that he’s put his feet up and expects you and to run around after him!

Honesty shift him out - your home life would be so much fresher, re-energised, brighter and positive without this skanky black cloud shadowing it.,

Plus points for dumping the pointless boyfriend:
-he parents his kids
-no more washing/feeding/servicing him
-your kids no longer watch you get treated as a despised maid
-he won’t be draining your finances
-easier, happier life
-better example to your kids on not tolerating bad treatment for the sake of a foot rub.

OP, where is your pride? Where is your anger - nay, your rage - at the vile way this selfish bastard is treating you?
He doesn’t care if you die of Covid, but he would get a vaccine for a fucking holiday?
He couldn’t even be bothered to make you a cup of tea on Mothers Day?
OP, this shit of a man not only doesn’t love you - he doesn’t respect you or even like you. He treats you with utter contempt. You are just a domestic appliance as far as he is concerned.
For God’s sake, OP - please find your self respect and your fury - and chuck him out.

Seems he doesn’t give a shit if your DCs are left motherless either…..

he would be really miffed I didn’t want to ‘look after him’....

Surely, you don't want to look after him.

I can see why he might want you to, as it gives him a free pass to do hardly any tidying up / housework ever again.

In this case, I suggest the way forward is to have a conversation about it, and see whether you can agree minimum baseline of what needs to be done, so that the load can be shared equally.

If not, then I would indeed leave him to be 'miffed'.

Apply the test, what would a man do in this situation ? Does he accept that he needs to tidy or does he show you, by getting miffed, that he wants you to do it.

More fool you for picking up all his housework to avoid him being miffed.

It doesn't sound like you get much from this relationship.

You get all of the donkey work.

You can get a nice heated foot massager for £50.

Hi OP, I’m probably going to get flamed for this response but here goes. There are, according to MN, some men who pull their weight around the home (whilst also providing financially), but I’ve only met one IRL and his wife is the laziest person I’ve ever met, so if he did nothing the house would probably fall down. Most men either simply don’t see what needs needs doing or have tried to help before and been told they are doing it wrong so stop…..and once the last example is applied across the laundry, the clearing up, the bathroom cleaning, the childcare women find they are doing everything. My DH isn’t a natural ‘doer’ when it comes to pretty much anything except his job. He provides financially for us, and would prefer that I didn’t work, but I do. I do the lions share of house admin and always will. But he will do stuff when asked, so I give him lists. There is no point in leaving things for him to do, because no matter how much I hope he’ll notice the laundry pile, mould in the bathroom, filthy floors, he won’t. If I ask him to sort the laundry, clean the bathroom, Hoover, he will. I also have to give him a timeframe, because ‘clean the bathroom’ with no timeframe in his head means before Christmas…and then he forgets. In his defence he works hard and very long hours. It is rare that he would sit down to watch TV leaving me to clear up. So if you are looking for a DH who spontaneously notices stuff to be done and does it, I don’t think you’ll be able to change your DH. If you are happy to give instructions , the he can be worked on. I recommend ‘the empowered wife’. It’s not popular on MN, but if you don’t want to end your marriage then you’ll probably find it useful.

The fact that you do ironing, especially if there's a lot of it, tells me that you are probably on the tidier, orderly end of the population, especially if you are still doing that and have kids too. Some busy people still iron linen as it's terribly wrinkly and maybe a few work clothes, but don't do things like socks or duvet covers.

You may think that you are normal and that everybody is as tidy as you, but not necessarily. You are simply a tidy person and may have grown up where that was normal. I'm not bashing that, just highlighting the fact that the gap between you and him is probably considerable, and that's why I'm not sure you'll resolve this.

Unless he's really changed over the years, the way he's been so far has worked really well for him, hasn't it? He found a nice, organised, clean woman who stayed with him, lived with him and even had his children - bonus! Despite all your frustrations that you've vocalised to him to far, all he probably sees is -

My behaviour ➡️nice woman➡️marriage➡️children

Had he ever lived alone? If so, what was he like then in his house? If he hasn't, he may never have developed his own routine - someone else has dictated that cleaning routine for him. Some people will forever be messy, whilst others are messy for a while and one day decide to take more pride in where they live and pull their socks up.

Yes, life is too short for housework, but cleaning the toilet, bedsheets, dishes, and clothes are really essential. Those things aren't even tidyness. They're hygiene issues.

Also, on top of all of that, you have to factor in the possibility that unbeknownst to you, he might fancy himself as the King of the Castle, and in no way are domestic activities like cleaning a man's job. It's low status work, what subordinates do.

What do you mean when you say he'll go off you? You mean he'll go off you if you don't clean???

Sis there is no marriage to end, they’re legally single, which is fantastic.

@SisforSoppy

Hi OP, I’m probably going to get flamed for this response but here goes. There are, according to MN, some men who pull their weight around the home (whilst also providing financially), but I’ve only met one IRL and his wife is the laziest person I’ve ever met, so if he did nothing the house would probably fall down. Most men either simply don’t see what needs needs doing or have tried to help before and been told they are doing it wrong so stop…..and once the last example is applied across the laundry, the clearing up, the bathroom cleaning, the childcare women find they are doing everything. My DH isn’t a natural ‘doer’ when it comes to pretty much anything except his job. He provides financially for us, and would prefer that I didn’t work, but I do. I do the lions share of house admin and always will. But he will do stuff when asked, so I give him lists. There is no point in leaving things for him to do, because no matter how much I hope he’ll notice the laundry pile, mould in the bathroom, filthy floors, he won’t. If I ask him to sort the laundry, clean the bathroom, Hoover, he will. I also have to give him a timeframe, because ‘clean the bathroom’ with no timeframe in his head means before Christmas…and then he forgets. In his defence he works hard and very long hours. It is rare that he would sit down to watch TV leaving me to clear up. So if you are looking for a DH who spontaneously notices stuff to be done and does it, I don’t think you’ll be able to change your DH. If you are happy to give instructions , the he can be worked on. I recommend ‘the empowered wife’. It’s not popular on MN, but if you don’t want to end your marriage then you’ll probably find it useful.

Did you miss the bit where the guy won't get the vaccine to protect his CEV partner, but will if it gets him a holiday?

Oh, and as for this:

There are, according to MN, some men who pull their weight around the home (whilst also providing financially), but I’ve only met one IRL

Well I've met more than one. I married one of them, but I'm related to about five more and friends with several others. But even if men with good jobs who don't morph into blind and stupid potato sacks as soon as they enter the front hall were rare and exotic creatures, it still doesn't create any obligation for any woman to put up with selfish and lazy ones if they're unhappy.

@NowEvenBetter married or not, the OP doesn’t sound like she is anywhere close to ending the relationship with her DP. Partners can step up, but if she’s looking for an even 50:50 split of housework I don’t she’s ever going to get that…..

@Workinghardeveryday

All savings we/I have are in my name. He earns a good wage but squanders all of it every month on crap. The only reason he could afford to live in a house like this is because I owned it before we met (bought first house at 18 and sold it for a lot lot more than I bought 18 months later, then renovated this house). Just trying to paint a picture. I obviously need his half now for mortgage and bills but with his maintenance and uc I could survive but nothing left over at all for emergencies.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to split, he’s not horrible, rubs my feet on a night, loving texts during the day. I just can’t go on like this really.

But then I think that I am CEV, he could have had vaccine way before he was due but wouldn’t because he is anti vaxer. Yet if he wants to go on family holiday next year he will consider having it!!!!!!! I just feel like a total mug

Your current cleaning problems were enough their own, but you're also someone who's selfish or crap with money too??

He rubs your feet at night, send you some nice texts??? So??? Bit basic, don't you think? And enough to get you to stay with him through your problems it seems!

@DFOD Hobo-sexual. Cheers! 🤣 That made me laugh.

Did you miss the bit where the guy won't get the vaccine to protect his CEV partner, but will if it gets him a holiday?
Yes, I missed that post.

But wrt to men who pull their weight…literally none. So, I stand by my original comment that outside MN these creatures are so rare they are almost worthy of unicorn status.

Stop doing his ironing unless he puts it away.

In fact stop doing his ironing full stop, you are not his skivvy.

The good news is: yes, I have managed to get a man to pull his weight. The less good news is: this would have been at work, and I was the person in charge of deciding over his bonus.

All sarcasm aside, though:

He sounds pretty useless, OP. Kind of like my exH, in fact. And, no, your prospects of getting him to change aren't looking great.

Try what PP have suggested: stop catering to his fantastical ideas of how much output he gets out of this relationship for very little input.

Also: be prepared to walk if this warning shot won't do it for him. I did. It hurt. But, oh boy, has my life taken a turn for the better ever since I've struck "on top of everything else: also CEO and COO of 'he needs plc'".

@SisforSoppy

Did you miss the bit where the guy won't get the vaccine to protect his CEV partner, but will if it gets him a holiday? Yes, I missed that post.

But wrt to men who pull their weight…literally none. So, I stand by my original comment that outside MN these creatures are so rare they are almost worthy of unicorn status.

Well strap a horn to my husband's head and call him Twilight Sparkle.

You can increase your chances of finding these men by not making excuses for the lazy exploitative ones.

But now you know that this particular one won't get the vaccine for his CEV partner but will for a holiday (and is shit with money, and expects her to look after him, and causes trouble when she asks him to pull his weight), are you sure you still want to tell her what books she needs to read to make life with him tolerable?

But if it's true that these men who pull their weight are like unicorns, it doesn't mean we have to put up with them. I can't imagine living like this because well, they're all shit so what choice is there...

Just be single

Why can’t he pay someone to do his share if he can’t be arsed? Should focus the mind. Cleaner once a week, gardener, laundry.

I just need to change his mindset without him hating me for it, can it actually be done?!

Good luck with that. I think you also need to change your mindset and stop being such a doormat.

Surely there must have been some signs of this before you married and had kids?

To be honest, I very much doubt he will ever change in any meaningful way.

Sadly you are being a mug, he throws you a few texts and a foot rub and you literally do everything else!!

Imagine being resentment free and getting proper time off EOW, how much lighter would you feel.

I cannot believe you do his laundry and ironing when he does fuck all. Your response is "too busy" if he dares to complain.

You should be having equal leisure time he sounds like he has all his non-working time and you get none!