Have you successfully got a man to take responsibility and grow up?

[Workinghardeveryday]

I have been with dp for 13 years. We have 3 kids, dd15, dd10 and ds10.

I am totally fed up with running absolutely everything. I do all the washing, ironing, all housework, any diy I have to sort, shopping, cooking, birthdays for whole family. You get the picture - everything.

He does however clean up after tea on a night, if however anything is made after this time it’s all left for me again.

He will cut the grass if I ask but I have to ask. Generally forgets anything else asked of him. Spends his weekend sat in front of the tv, it’s a big deal if he comes with kids and I to walk the dog (also my responsibility).

When I ask for him to get more involved ie when we argue about it all he says is life is too short to spend it doing housework. I decided to leave the bathroom for as long as possible to see if he cleaned it. It was nearly a month before I gave in and did it. If I don’t wash his clothes he would just leave them forever in a pile. Doesn’t even put his ironing away unless asked.

I am exhausted. Everyday is the same clearing everyone else’s mess and dirt. I wfh part time which is very full on. I have to clean before work, after work and weekends.

Any ideas to get him to grow up and do his fair share? I find myself more and more resentful especially since I didn’t even get asked if I wanted a cup of tea on Mother’s Day!!

Great that you aren’t having to listen to his drivel. Remove him from your house. What on earth are you doing going on ‘date night’ with their piece of shit, ffs.

‘Why do men like this do..’ who cares? As many replies on this thread show, many women tolerate being treated like this just so they can get some cock, any man is better than no man, Which is what your kids are learning too.

he’s anti vac but may get one next year to go on holiday

Famous MN saying, when someone tells you who he is, listen to them.

He is telling you that he knows he doesn't need to get vaccinated for you, because you will let him get away with it. He also knows he will need to get vaccinated to go on holiday, so he will do that when he wants to go on holiday.

I'm so sorry, your story is a textbook trauma bonding. The first kind of counselling you tried didn't work, that means you haven't found the right therapy yet. Keep looking.

To answer your question, it took divorce from his first wife for the man I married to wake up and stop being a selfish arse. He freely admits it and, if he had realised it really would lead to divorce, would probably have pulled his socks up much sooner.

Some people only do what they have to do. Your 'partner' knows that you can be fobbed off with a few texts and a foot massage.

Have some self-respect and get rid of him. Silent treatment is abusive.

I suppose he does treat me like shot because I keep letting him.

I feel trapped because I am living in this relationship that makes me unhappy. If I kick him out I will have no one. The kids do their own thing, only got one friend really but she has her own busy life. I would just be living this same life cleaning and cooking etc but all by myself. I feel lonely enough as it is

There is nothing as lonely as being stuck in a lonely relationship.

Sure you will be physically alone but you will have more mental and emotionally energy to make new connections with other people.

I feel lonely enough as it is

It is far, far, less lonely being alone, than it is being lonely inside a relationship.

If you weren't wasting all your emotional energy trying to maintain a dysfunctional relationship with a man who makes you feel like shite, you would have the emotional energy to recreate your life: make more friends, make fun acquaintances,take up hobbies, enjoy time with people who don't treat you like a domestic appliance or belittle you.

He is not saving you from loneliness, he's caging you into it.

@Workinghardeveryday I left an emotionally abusive marriage and only have a handful of friends who have families of their own so can't meet up all the time. I have adult kids who do their own thing.

One thing I have never been since I left is lonely or bored.
I do loads on my own, sometimes I'm in the garden or on my allotment, sometimes I go out to events on my own, sometimes I meet a friend for coffee.

No longer am I emotionally abused, lonely within my marriage and treading on eggshells - its very liberating to walk away.

If I kick him out I will have no one.

Why are you counting him as someone? He's worse than no one. He treats you like a domestic appliance with tits and, apparently, too little bum. Want to know where I think the unsatisfactory arse is in your relationship ?

You are right though he doesn't want a relationship he just wants you as his domestic appliance as you said.

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t respect you, doesn’t seem to like or love you?

Ugh, grim. You do know there are 8 billion people on the planet? The only thing holding you back is yourself here, what do you want people to say, specifically?

He left you to walk 3 miles home alone!!
He does fuck all in the house..
He treats you like shit

WHY are you letting this be your life??
Get rid of the fucker...!!

I left mine. It was the only way I could get him to spend more than 10 minutes with his own son.

Now we are 85 miles apart, he manages 7 hours most weekends.

If I kick him out I will have no one.

I can't believe you would consider this man to be better than no one. He's worse than no one.

I feel lonely enough as it is

Lots of people fear the loneliness if they end a shit relationship. But you're not lonely, you're free and you have the headspace and opportunity to build your own life full of people akd things you want to be in it.

You are building your own cage of loneliness and boredom by staying with him.

If you kick him out, OP, there'll be space there for a decent man who loves you.

I'd rather be alone than in bad company.

Are you me? You've essentially just outlined my entire life!

No suggestions or advice, just know that I'm right there with you, also struggling to figure out a solution!

This is so sad to read. I see no respect, love or care from him to you. His only interest in you appears to be as his skivvy, someone there to make his life easier. And he gives nothing in return.

OP, I truly hope you find the strength to put yourself first, recognise this man for what he is and accept that he won’t change. Because he won’t. They never do. They don’t want too.

@Workinghardeveryday

I suppose he does treat me like shot because I keep letting him.

I feel trapped because I am living in this relationship that makes me unhappy. If I kick him out I will have no one. The kids do their own thing, only got one friend really but she has her own busy life. I would just be living this same life cleaning and cooking etc but all by myself. I feel lonely enough as it is

I'm guessing from the age of your kids that you're in your 40s? You might well have 40-50 years ahead of you? Do you want to spend it like this?

I get the fear of being alone and, yes, there's no guarantee that you will meet another partner if you leave. But there's a 100% guarantee you won't if you stay. And, even you don't find another partner, you don't need to be lonely. You will have space in your life for friendship and fun. Don't hang on to misery, give yourself a chance of joy. Good luck.

@Workinghardeveryday

I suppose he does treat me like shot because I keep letting him.

I feel trapped because I am living in this relationship that makes me unhappy. If I kick him out I will have no one. The kids do their own thing, only got one friend really but she has her own busy life. I would just be living this same life cleaning and cooking etc but all by myself. I feel lonely enough as it is

Once you leave him, you will find your mood lift, and you will be able to make new friends and find somebody who will treat you properly. What you have described in this thread is no way for anyone to live. Your DH behaves like this because he knows he can get away with it!

@MintJulia

I left mine. It was the only way I could get him to spend more than 10 minutes with his own son.

Now we are 85 miles apart, he manages 7 hours most weekends.

Same here.

Split up with my DP about 6 months ago, and he's only had the DC for 4 weekends during that time. However it's 4 weekends more than he managed in the previous 6 months as I was doing everything when we were together, plus holding down a full-time job, meaning I got to have the first break I've had since the DC were born. The first weekend I had "off", I just slept

It's so liberating leaving a lazy, waster of a partner. I've never once regretted it. I would however love to meet a new partner who values me, though I'm content being on my own as well.

@DrSbaitso - I think it was being young and naive and having incredibly low self esteem. I never ever should have married him.

If you are actually honest with yourself you would see that by ending the relationship you aren't actually losing anything. What you're actually doing is creating a space for worthwhile people to enter your life.

Honestly, I don't see how it can possibly any lonelier than this. You may as well spend your life with a cardboard cut out of a piece of dog shit - you'll get the same amount of support, interaction and sex appeal which is precisely zero.

You're ruining your life for a daily text and a foot massage. This relationship is utterly miserable but you choose it over your freedom. Again - why do you feel uncomfortable in your own company?