Wedding is off hand hold please

[emarlow]

We were due to get married in 2 months time I am currently 4 months pregnant aswell. I was really looking forward to it.

Me and OH got into a disagreement the other day and he went to cool off at his parents house before coming back. When he went over there he told his mum that he doesn't want to marry me now and believes that it's the wrong thing to do to go ahead with the marriage.

We have 3 DC's together I can not imagine my life without him.

For me I feel like this is the end of the road, we have always stuck together their has been many ups and downs but I love him so much.

He said he wants to be with me but not marry me yet. I don't see the point in me hanging on to him, he can quite happily have kids with
me but doesn't want to marry me.

The kids have gone to school and I just keep crying, I have told him to just pack his things and leave I feel so humiliated.

I do not understand the thinking that marriage is a greater commitment that having children together.

It’s really very simple. He can father as many kids as he likes and walk away from then. The only liability he has is child maintenance, which can be difficult to collect.

If the mother is not married to him, she is not entitled to any of his assets, property, pensions etc. Why is this difficult to understand?

@girlmom21 yeah I agree with your point, being a single parent makes a huge difference but do they really need to split up just because he isn't ready to get married yet? Ofc only the OP knows how she feels and it's totally understandable if she doesn't want to be together anymore

Well done you for being so strong and brave and no accepting the staying together without being married option. You deserve better, and I really hope that you get it

I'm sorry this has happened to you, it's an awful feeling. I know, because it happened to me.

6 months before our wedding, my fiancé announced that he didn't want to get married. He asked why we couldn't just carry on living together, then went off to work!

I left my engagement ring on the coffee table and went home to my parents. They were amazing and pointed out that it could be that my fiancé just had cold feet, and that no final decisions should be made until we had talked it through.

My fiancé arrived home from work later to find the ring on the table and that I was gone. He called me at my parents and begged me to come back. We talked and he explained that he was nervous of marriage, but he still wanted to marry me, as he could see how important it was to me. We got married, and we are still married 25 years later, very happily. Although his nerves caused us both a great deal of pain for a while, I have never felt like he didn't want to be with me.

OP, ignore those saying he doesn't love you, he's a bastard etc. Only you know what he is really like, only you are in a position to decide if you think he still loves you. It might be better to postpone the wedding for a while, to give you both time to decide where to go from here. But don't automatically write him off - I'm so glad I didn't.

@FlowerArranger

I do not understand the thinking that marriage is a greater commitment that having children together.

It’s really very simple. He can father as many kids as he likes and walk away from then. The only liability he has is child maintenance, which can be difficult to collect.

If the mother is not married to him, she is not entitled to any of his assets, property, pensions etc. Why is this difficult to understand?

@FlowerArranger Sorry but having kids is definitely a bigger commitment than marriage! Yes you can have kids with how many different men/women but once you have kids you're in that person's life forever. Having kids with someone is actually a huge thing regardless of how many kids one has.

Yes with marriage you're entitled to all these things but you can divorce at anytime and go about your life. Once you have kids you're already tied in with that person.

Marriage is definitely a huge commitment tho and I'm not downplaying that at all! I personally do believe having kids is even bigger.

Tell him you want time out to think things over, OP, and that he should move out.

Cancel the wedding.

Work out your finances and what support you have when you go back to work and what child care you might have.

@yesterdayisinthepast there’s a difference between commitment as ‘moral responsibility’ and commitment as ‘ease of uncommitting’.

Having kids is a huge moral responsibility- but not difficult to uncommit to. If you’re not married you can just walk away. CSM is so shite that many men get away with paying a minuscule amount.

Now if you’re married - you still have to pay CSM but you don’t get to walk away unscathed. Almost everything you own will be scrutinised and divided up. So you could lose assets to your spouse.

That’s why many men are happy to impregnate women but not marry them. Happy to finance their joint life etc but at the back of their mind they know that if they can escape with mnimjmal financial damage if they change their minds.

Of course this is presuming the man is the higher earner/has assets!

@yesterdayisinthepast I bet we could all, without having to think too hard, name at least one person who has just walked away from DC. For a man, and I say that as it usually is the man, he can walk away and never see the kids again. He has to pay, if of course he isn’t unemployed/paid in dividends/cash in hand.

Having kids isn’t a bigger commitment at all.

Sorry but having kids is definitely a bigger commitment than marriage! Yes you can have kids with how many different men/women but once you have kids you're in that person's life forever. Having kids with someone is actually a huge thing regardless of how many kids one has.

From a man's point of view, not always I'm afraid. I know loads of people where the woman has got pregnant and the guy has promptly vanished from her life. Kids who have never even met their father.

Some men don't give a flying fuck about their kids, as absent fathers rarely see them so don't develop the bond that a woman gets by the act of carrying then giving birth.

@budgiegirl

I'm sorry this has happened to you, it's an awful feeling. I know, because it happened to me.

6 months before our wedding, my fiancé announced that he didn't want to get married. He asked why we couldn't just carry on living together, then went off to work!

I left my engagement ring on the coffee table and went home to my parents. They were amazing and pointed out that it could be that my fiancé just had cold feet, and that no final decisions should be made until we had talked it through.

My fiancé arrived home from work later to find the ring on the table and that I was gone. He called me at my parents and begged me to come back. We talked and he explained that he was nervous of marriage, but he still wanted to marry me, as he could see how important it was to me. We got married, and we are still married 25 years later, very happily. Although his nerves caused us both a great deal of pain for a while, I have never felt like he didn't want to be with me.

OP, ignore those saying he doesn't love you, he's a bastard etc. Only you know what he is really like, only you are in a position to decide if you think he still loves you. It might be better to postpone the wedding for a while, to give you both time to decide where to go from here. But don't automatically write him off - I'm so glad I didn't.

I really love this experience! I agree with @budgiegirl to ignore the comments about your partner not loving you etc, that's a huge reach but of course only you know!

I think he’s been brave too. Much better he’s not talked into a marriage he doesn’t want than to go through with it and live with the consequences.

He is such a Mummy's boy. Why does he run off to her?
She is colluding with him and controlling everything and keeping herself at the centre of the dramas with him.
What is her game? Why doesn't she tell him to feck off home to you and stop acting like a baby.
He is his mother's puppet by the sounds of things.
As you say "it's humiliating".
It is. His mother treats him like a little boy that's why he's afraid to get married because then he'll be a 'grown up' and she won't love him anymore.

@budgiegirl

I'm sorry this has happened to you, it's an awful feeling. I know, because it happened to me.

6 months before our wedding, my fiancé announced that he didn't want to get married. He asked why we couldn't just carry on living together, then went off to work!

I left my engagement ring on the coffee table and went home to my parents. They were amazing and pointed out that it could be that my fiancé just had cold feet, and that no final decisions should be made until we had talked it through.

My fiancé arrived home from work later to find the ring on the table and that I was gone. He called me at my parents and begged me to come back. We talked and he explained that he was nervous of marriage, but he still wanted to marry me, as he could see how important it was to me. We got married, and we are still married 25 years later, very happily. Although his nerves caused us both a great deal of pain for a while, I have never felt like he didn't want to be with me.

OP, ignore those saying he doesn't love you, he's a bastard etc. Only you know what he is really like, only you are in a position to decide if you think he still loves you. It might be better to postpone the wedding for a while, to give you both time to decide where to go from here. But don't automatically write him off - I'm so glad I didn't.

Presumably you didn’t already have 3 children? I don’t think your situation is comparable to OP’s.

@Allergictoironing @ChrissyPlummer oh of course! Both me and my sister were raised by our mum as our dad decided to do a disappearing act. It's so true that many men decide to ignore their responsibilities and live their life selfishly for themselves. I was definitely talking about the parents who leave the relationship and are still involved in their kids lives. I can see why people say marriage is a bigger commitment but I personally don't see it that way.

@TractorAndHeadphones you raise a really good point about commitment as 'ease of uncommitting' and not being able to walk away as easily if you're married. Only recently did I discover that when divorcing in the UK, assets and property get divided up/given to one person (I only thought this happened in the US, don't ask me why lol) so I totally get this point and never actually considered this.
It makes sense why it's so common for people to stay in long relationships and not be married etc. You've really given me something to think of with that post lol thank you

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I think he’s been brave too. Much better he’s not talked into a marriage he doesn’t want than to go through with it and live with the consequences.

Of course he shouldn't be talked into a marriage that he doesn't want.

But then how did the kids come about first-has he been stringing Op along?

If so that's not brave!

Aborting the baby is a step too far imo.

Think about where you want to be when the baby is born.

It might be best to book the date in January to give you both breathing space and time to consider how you want your relationship to develop. You will always have some kind of relationship because of the children.

Take a step back from this thread - it's gone a bit bonkers.

I mean book the date in January and he moves out while you both consider your relationship. Gives you a chance to see how co-parenting works for you.

OP, the best thing you can do is wait until January to book the dates and forget about it for now. There is no point in getting married if one of you feels under pressure to do it.

I know somebody who called off her wedding due to finding something out, he moved out. But he was devastated, realised what he had lost and did everything he could to win her back and get the wedding back on again. They talked a lot, worked things out and set another date for the wedding (that then got delayed due to covid, but they did get married eventually and are very happy).

Anyone can have a blip. I know it's awful for you to deal with, but better that he does it now than after you are married.

You need to talk and keep talking and he needs to be honest with you, does he want to be with you, does he love you, why doesn't he want to get married. will he get married in a couple of years? what does he want, what do you want, whatever but it needs a sensible discussion. But if he won't and if marriage is a deal breaker for you, then you know what needs to happen.

Do you want to be with him no matter what, or do you want to be married to somebody else potentially?

How fair along in the pregnancy are you, because it's going to be hard enough with two children on your own, let alone a baby.

He has acted appalling, I hope you can move on from him

@MrMrsJones

How fair along in the pregnancy are you, because it's going to be hard enough with two children on your own, let alone a baby.

He has acted appalling, I hope you can move on from him

4 months. It's in the first paragraph of the OP.

don't marry or shag the one. Avoid.

Just collect the maintenance payments. Enjoy upir children be happy. You may well meet someone who is perfect for you down the line. This will never happen though if Mr 'I'm not not sure right now' is living with you or dangling the carrot of we could get married. He will just let you down again. He is not reliable and this is not good for any of you in the family. He just wants to cock lodge.

Put you and your children first. He can still be their dad but just not your misery and heart break. You deserve better.

Presumably you didn’t already have 3 children? I don’t think your situation is comparable to OP’s

No I didn't. But my point is that sometimes having the wobbles before taking the step to get married is just that, the wobbles. It doesn't necessarily mean that marriage is off the cards, or that one party is being forced into it. Sometimes it can work out - but only the OP and her fiancé can work that one out - everyone calling him a bastard, or irresponsible may be way off the mark.

Don’t take him back

@Mumski45

I just don't understand men with the mentality that they are ready to have kids with someone and all the lifelong commitment that this brings yet they are not able to commit to a marriage. Is it the financial commitment which stops them? What exactly is he 'not ready for'.

You are worth more than this OP.

This. Doesnt bode well for how they see their parenting responsibilities either does it?