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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wedding is off hand hold please

243 replies

emarlow · 18/10/2021 09:00

We were due to get married in 2 months time I am currently 4 months pregnant aswell. I was really looking forward to it.

Me and OH got into a disagreement the other day and he went to cool off at his parents house before coming back. When he went over there he told his mum that he doesn't want to marry me now and believes that it's the wrong thing to do to go ahead with the marriage.

We have 3 DC's together I can not imagine my life without him.

For me I feel like this is the end of the road, we have always stuck together their has been many ups and downs but I love him so much.

He said he wants to be with me but not marry me yet. I don't see the point in me hanging on to him, he can quite happily have kids with
me but doesn't want to marry me.

The kids have gone to school and I just keep crying, I have told him to just pack his things and leave I feel so humiliated.

OP posts:

theremustonlybeone · 18/10/2021 14:03

Sadandsillybunny i am so sorry this has happened to you. Are your DC not entitled to his pension?

www.boodlehatfield.com/articles/rights-for-unmarried-couples-benefits-and-pensions/

beautifulview · 18/10/2021 14:16

Good for you standing up for your self respect. He’s an arsehole

TractorAndHeadphones · 18/10/2021 14:25

@Wroxie

If it were me I would do everything possible to get him to go through with the wedding up to and including begging, threatening, and witchcraft. I would then stay with him exactly as long as a really good divorce lawyer advised in order to divorce his ass and get as much as I possibly could out of him and I would laugh in his face when the judgement was passed.

This might not be worth the trouble if you don't own your house or have much in savings or assets but he is effectively withholding safety and financial security from you. This is controlling and abusive behaviour and you need to think really hard about how to walk away from this with as much as possible - if there's no money involved, then focus on your children's comfort and your own self-respect.

Exactly OP. See a lawyer ASAP. As of now he owes you nothing, only CMS for your children. Whose names are the assets (if you have any) in? If you marry then divorce you might be entitled to his assets etc. He bloody owes you that much!

Bollindger · 18/10/2021 14:34

i am sorry, he is an arse.

Original poster

emarlow · 18/10/2021 14:45

He is now saying he doesn't want to leave his family and still wants to get married. I don't know how to feel anymore. Our appointment for out notice to marriage is tomorrow then they are no appointments until January.

I feel like he just wants to stay because it's easier, I know he loves his kids and wouldn't want to not see them everyday. But I don't really think he wants to marry me.

OP posts:

Original poster

emarlow · 18/10/2021 14:46

The house is mine hence why I asked him to leave so not worried about that side of things.

OP posts:

itsallgoingpearshaped · 18/10/2021 14:49

The house is yours?

If you own it, don't marry him. You know he doesn't want to marry you, he's said so, and his actions since you started having children together tells you this. He just doesn't want to have to fend for himself going forward. Plus it will give him a potential claim on the house.

I'd carry on with ending it, personally. He's show you who he is.

Original poster

emarlow · 18/10/2021 14:50

Rented in my name sorry! He's never been on the tenancy.

OP posts:

LanisHouseLot · 18/10/2021 14:50

If it's the wedding day fanfare he can't stomach then a quiet civil ceremony might be more appealing? What a horrible thing to do though, you can't just change your mind and carry on as before when it comes to marrying the person you already have a family with.

What is his parents relationship with you like? I wonder if he went to theirs feeling panicked with cold-feet and they convinced him that you'd understand and would rather be with him as before than spoil things with a wedding he didn't want. He's done a cruel thing, but he may have been a but vulnerable to suggestion while very stressed. Was he talking of calling off the wedding before he went to his parents? Obviously the responsibility for his behaviour lies squarely at his feet, it just seems a bit funny that he'd come back expecting to stay together but not get married - why didn't they tell him "no, that's a dreadful idea you can't do that to her".

greenwichvillage · 18/10/2021 14:51

Tell the bastard to f**k off, pack his bags and leave, if he can suddenly decide that marrying you is not the right thing to do after having 3 kids with you, then the weasel is not the right man for you. You need a man in your life not a coward. Ooh I am so angry for you !!

Dontbeme · 18/10/2021 14:52

@emarlow

I feel like he just wants to stay because it's easier, I know he loves his kids and wouldn't want to not see them everyday. But I don't really think he wants to marry me.

Take the January appointment, give yourself time to think about all this and if you both still want to go ahead in January go for it. In the meantime he can live elsewhere and have some couples counseling to show that he is committed. He needs to do some real heavy lifting, not just come back, drag his feet about the place and have you anxious he will pull this stunt again the week before the wedding.

Rooroobear · 18/10/2021 14:53

Yeh, sounds like he’s just saying he now wants to get married because you’ve asked him to leave. You know his true feelings now on marriage and if, like you say, people are going to find out he’s said he doesn’t want to marry you and then you get married do you not feel like it will be a pity marriage. Don’t do it, people should get married because they both want to not because it’s easier for him because he doesn’t want to leave his kids. You all deserve better.

Notmoresugar · 18/10/2021 14:54

If you own the property please read what @itsallgoingpearshaped says.

WorraLiberty · 18/10/2021 14:54

@emarlow

Rented in my name sorry! He's never been on the tenancy.

What's the reason for this?

diddl · 18/10/2021 14:56

He has said that he doesn't want to marry you & has now said that he does.

Has he explained that at all?

I mean it's a big thing to say & then take back.

Being cynical I would now be thinking that he'd rather stay with you atm & can divorce if necessary in the future.

How come you haven't married before now?

itsallgoingpearshaped · 18/10/2021 15:04

If you're renting, then get legal advice. How long do you need to be married to protect yourself going forward ... and forget the wedding ... tell him he can back his words up by going to the registry office next week with you and marrying you.

girlmom21 · 18/10/2021 15:06

@emarlow

I feel like he just wants to stay because it's easier, I know he loves his kids and wouldn't want to not see them everyday. But I don't really think he wants to marry me.

Who told you that he doesn't? Him or his mom?

EmpressSuiko · 18/10/2021 15:07

Has he expressed why he doesn’t want to get married? I truly don’t understand peoples fear around marriage, literally nothing changes!

Annasgirl · 18/10/2021 15:15

@2mumlife

Have you both spoken (as a couple) as to whether you both actually want to bother getting married? Marriage, to some people, is just a ceremony. You don't need it to raise your kids and live happily together. You obviously decided to have some children already, so why the sudden need to get married? Have a heart to heart - it might be marriage is a deal breaker for you, but I'd take time to consider whats really important, you say he says you wants to be with you. What do you want more - to be with him, or a wedding?

@2mumlife - perhaps read the post by @Sadandsillybunny and then see if your advice is appropriate???

Honestly, it astounds me how many women come on here and spout BS about the law being equal for marriage and cohabitation - it is NOT.

Married women (and married men, before you all jump up and down) have rights that are not conferred (even if people wished they were) on unmarried women. And women with DC, unless they are seriously high earners, who never took maternity leave, are always better off financially being married.

Saintemllionsfinest · 18/10/2021 15:15

This happened to me. I made the mistake of taking him back when he came crawling back. We did eventually get married 2 years later. Biggest mistake of my life and we are now divorced. Think very carefully before you make your next move.
I was much happier as a single parent than I was with him after that happened. I was always wondering why I wasn’t enough.

I’m now remarried to a fabulous man and very very happy with life.

Don’t settle, you’re worth more than him.

Derbee · 18/10/2021 15:15

I wouldn’t let him change his mind now. He’s said it. He doesn’t want to marry you. Stick to your guns and make him leave. You don’t want to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry you.

Original poster

emarlow · 18/10/2021 15:16

We're not even having a big wedding so I can't imagine that has put him off, we booked a small registry office ceremony then reception with sit down meal with close family and friends. I can't believe he told all his friends and family how he's looking forward to it and now this.

He said earlier that he has just gone along with everything to make me happy. I would rather he just said he didn't want to get married as I wouldn't have had another baby with him. He proposed to me on our holiday in Jamaica I think he just wanted to stay in engaged forever.

OP posts:

EerieSilence · 18/10/2021 15:22

You are better off without him, OP, you know that.
He was comfortable enough with you to make three children, marrying you changes what?
He'll be forever leaving you on tenterhooks, not worth it.
Just make the cut now. Wishing you lots of strength.

Muchasgracias · 18/10/2021 15:24

He has treated you appallingly OP, with I regard for your feelings at all. Imagine proposing with no intention of getting married. Duplicitous, deceitful…

In May case, I don’t think you should go to the appointment. Show him you will not put up with this shit and remove the chance that you both rush through with it without really talking through things. You’ve been in a relationship with a man who has been unable to share his true feelings with you. That is. It good ground for marriage.

Get some good friends and family around you for support. Call in favours for the next few days for school run etc and give yourself time to think things through and sort this out.

Muchasgracias · 18/10/2021 15:24

Oh god sorry for all the typos in my post

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