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Original poster

Wedding is off hand hold please

243 replies

emarlow · 18/10/2021 09:00

We were due to get married in 2 months time I am currently 4 months pregnant aswell. I was really looking forward to it.

Me and OH got into a disagreement the other day and he went to cool off at his parents house before coming back. When he went over there he told his mum that he doesn't want to marry me now and believes that it's the wrong thing to do to go ahead with the marriage.

We have 3 DC's together I can not imagine my life without him.

For me I feel like this is the end of the road, we have always stuck together their has been many ups and downs but I love him so much.

He said he wants to be with me but not marry me yet. I don't see the point in me hanging on to him, he can quite happily have kids with
me but doesn't want to marry me.

The kids have gone to school and I just keep crying, I have told him to just pack his things and leave I feel so humiliated.

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 18/10/2021 15:27

It's difficult, but better now than him deciding after the wedding & you having to go through a divorce.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 18/10/2021 15:28

Ouch what an awful thing to do, and then to change his mind when he realises you've called his bluff. I strongly suspect he did it in the heat of the moment to hurt you. Which in my book is unforgivable.

Greydaysandrainbows · 18/10/2021 15:28

@emarlow

He is now saying he doesn't want to leave his family and still wants to get married. I don't know how to feel anymore. Our appointment for out notice to marriage is tomorrow then they are no appointments until January.

I feel like he just wants to stay because it's easier, I know he loves his kids and wouldn't want to not see them everyday. But I don't really think he wants to marry me.

I’d play him here - nothing to lose. Get married
Greydaysandrainbows · 18/10/2021 15:30

My feeling is he has done this in the hope you won’t go through with it and then you are the bad guy and not him.
It classic gaslighting - I love you love bombing and then I’m not sure pull back - you’re in tears and so on

Joystir59 · 18/10/2021 15:35

So glad your house is in your name only. He can't imagine that you could just carry on as if nothings happened. What a shock- so sorry OP. In time I hope you will feel that he has don't you a favour in coming clean before the wedding.

tara66 · 18/10/2021 15:41

It's not a matter of what he ''wants''- the situation is beyond that - it's your welfare and security of your children that come first otherwise he is just very immature and irresponsible. After reading Sadandsillybunny's story - make sure he makes a Will soon with you as sole beneficiary to Pension and to all/any assets and also ask him to take out a life insurance policy (on his life) for your benefit. Make these requirements for him coming back - wedding or no wedding. (However he can stop paying insurance and change any Will later- but you can take out and pay for his life insurance though - which he cannot cancel.).

Opal8 · 18/10/2021 15:48

What a bastard.
I'm so sorry op.
I'd be terminating this pg - I would not want any more ties to this arsehole.
I suppose he only had kids "because you wanted to" too?
I'd never let him back over the threshold. Thank goodness it's your tenancy!
I am so thankful that women in the UK still have reproductive choice.
Whatever you decide, your future will be bright without this manchild in it.

Opal8 · 18/10/2021 15:53

Some men won't get married for the simple reason it gives women legal protections

moanymyrtle · 18/10/2021 15:57

Me and ex split up (his choice) and then got back together and got married, had DC etc. 1. it was never the same as I never fully trusted his feelings for me again and never felt secure despite being together another 15+ years 2. Although he hid it well for a few years his ability to be massively selfish destroyed the marriage anyway. I too would wait until January and see how you both still feel as getting divorced is a major hassle and it doesn't sound like financially there is any benefit to marrying him? You can protect you and your dc financially if you do live together by having a pension and paying the same in as he does even if you are not working, making sure he pays his salary into a joint account, having life insurance and wills etc.

TractorAndHeadphones · 18/10/2021 16:00

Will you benefit financially from marrying him and splitting up? Does he have a pension or anything else you could be entitled to?
If not then get rid

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/10/2021 16:01

It sounds as though he’s called your bluff and it hasn’t paid off. I am not sure if it would be a good idea to be marrying him now. Forever more, it will be he was forced into it etc. In the same token, not marrying is a deal breaker for you. What he did is a deal breaker too. Things sound pretty ruined right now.

Apart from this really shit issue, does he generally treat you with respect? Flowers

@Sadandsillybunny
Bless you. You sound so lovely. Flowers

Sillawithans · 18/10/2021 16:04

You had a disagreement, he went to his mum's and then said he didn't think it was right to get married, is that right? Then there was 5/6 pages of people calling him all sorts. Wow, this place is crazy sometimes. I think he's actually been rather brave. Why did you carry on having children when you were unmarried but now he's the bad guy and now you're considering an abortion at 4 months. Yikes.

In think you both need help with this relationship.

Sillawithans · 18/10/2021 16:08

Ok, please be careful of people saying they'd also terminate this pregnancy, would they??

ejhhhhh · 18/10/2021 16:13

I agree with the PPs, get married if it will benefit you (but I’d definitely do that cheaply and soon). If you won’t benefit financially from marriage, I’d get rid. And I’d get rid now, rather than in 6 months, so it’s clear to everyone that it’s HIS fault, not yours.

me4real · 18/10/2021 16:21

I wouldn't suggest marrying him- he's unreliable. If you marry him he'd be entitled to half your house if you split, wouldn't he? Unless you somehow ringfence it.

If you do go ahead, he might back out again nearer the wedding.

yesterdayisinthepast · 18/10/2021 16:25

People who are saying they'd terminate the pregnancy wow. They already had two kids outside of marriage, having a third one isn't gonna make much of a difference....

yesterdayisinthepast · 18/10/2021 16:26

@Sillawithans

You had a disagreement, he went to his mum's and then said he didn't think it was right to get married, is that right? Then there was 5/6 pages of people calling him all sorts. Wow, this place is crazy sometimes. I think he's actually been rather brave. Why did you carry on having children when you were unmarried but now he's the bad guy and now you're considering an abortion at 4 months. Yikes.

In think you both need help with this relationship.

I agree with this 100%
girlmom21 · 18/10/2021 16:29

@yesterdayisinthepast

People who are saying they'd terminate the pregnancy wow. They already had two kids outside of marriage, having a third one isn't gonna make much of a difference....
I disagree with the person saying they'd terminate but it sounds like this baby was planned on the basis of them marrying soon.

OP said if they hadn't planned to get married she wouldn't have had baby number 3.

Being a single parent makes a big difference.

Kiduknot · 18/10/2021 16:31

I think you need some time out. Cancel the wedding, get him to move back to his mums and then see where it goes from there.

SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 18/10/2021 16:31

If marriage is going to financially benefit you and the children, you should go ahead with it. Please think with your head and not your heart for the sake of the children.

onelittlefrog · 18/10/2021 16:32

Does he just not want to get married ever? Does he not believe in it/ not see the point?

I think you need to drill to the bottom of his reasons for not wanting it, and also your reasons for wanting it - you've had two children together so why are you doing it now? Why not before?

Some people just don't like the idea of marriage or want it with anybody, and that's OK, but really two people in a relationship have to be on the same page. He also needs to know what he actually wants and be clear with you about it. If he wants to be in a relationship for life and never get married, that's a perfectly valid thing to want - as long as he's with someone who wants the same.

Same for you. If you want to be married and that is very important to you, you really need to be with someone who also wants that.

billy1966 · 18/10/2021 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

TractorAndHeadphones · 18/10/2021 16:55

@Sillawithans

You had a disagreement, he went to his mum's and then said he didn't think it was right to get married, is that right? Then there was 5/6 pages of people calling him all sorts. Wow, this place is crazy sometimes. I think he's actually been rather brave. Why did you carry on having children when you were unmarried but now he's the bad guy and now you're considering an abortion at 4 months. Yikes.

In think you both need help with this relationship.

He’s already had 2 kids with her - and a 3rd on the basis of wanting to marry. He hasn’t been brave, he’s been indecisive. It’s been long enough that he should know his own mind. Shit or get off the pot…
yesterdayisinthepast · 18/10/2021 17:07

Does the relationship have to end because he's called off the wedding? He's said he doesn't feel the timing is right but surely that doesn't mean he wouldn't want to marry you in the future? (unless he's really full of shit and has no intentions of marrying you at all.)

I think it's best to call off the wedding then get married and a month later he's stating he was never ready and just going along with it for the sake of it which would be even worse imo.

Calling off the wedding definitely isn't a nice thing to do and can't imagine how you're feeling OP. However I think it's better he be upfront and honest then to lead you astray. Having said that, if he was the one who proposed I wonder why he did if he claims he's not ready for marriage yet!! Bizzare

AcrossthePond55 · 18/10/2021 17:15

An above PP suggested this and I'm going to reiterate it.

Keep the January date. Tell him he needs to move back in with his mother so that the both of you can really have a good hard think without interference from the other about what marriage means, commitment-wise as well as legally/financially, and whether or not marriage is right for the both of you.

It's not just him that needs to get his head on straight, you do too. What he did is a real head fuck and shook the foundation you have built your life and future on. First walking out, then coming back and claiming 'backsies'. Words once spoken never leave the listener, do they?

You need to decide how important marriage is to you. You need to decide if your trust has been broken and more importantly, if it can be repaired. But remember that even if a broken item can be repaired, the cracks usually show. Can you live with the cracks?

You also need to educate yourself as to your financial position. Because the right thing for a SAHM may be the wrong thing for a self-supporting working mum.