Wedding is off hand hold please

[emarlow]

We were due to get married in 2 months time I am currently 4 months pregnant aswell. I was really looking forward to it.

Me and OH got into a disagreement the other day and he went to cool off at his parents house before coming back. When he went over there he told his mum that he doesn't want to marry me now and believes that it's the wrong thing to do to go ahead with the marriage.

We have 3 DC's together I can not imagine my life without him.

For me I feel like this is the end of the road, we have always stuck together their has been many ups and downs but I love him so much.

He said he wants to be with me but not marry me yet. I don't see the point in me hanging on to him, he can quite happily have kids with
me but doesn't want to marry me.

The kids have gone to school and I just keep crying, I have told him to just pack his things and leave I feel so humiliated.

[quote Sadandsillybunny]@emarlow. This is my first post although I've been reading here for a while. I felt I had to post because as far as I can see, either I am you or you are me!
My other half sounds like your other half. we have 2 DC plus I had 4 miscarriages (well 3 really because one miscarriage was a set of twins). My other half was married before and always swore that he would never ever get married again. But he was with his wife for 4 years and married for 2. He's been with me for 31 years. But I loved him so much and thought marriage was 'just a piece of paper' and the fact that we were together, without that 'piece of paper', proved our love for each other was strong and durable.
His mother, like your MIL, is a narcissist, and makes everyone's life hellish. She is just horrible to everyone but insists everyone 'owes' her. We had a really bad argument once and DP phoned his mum to say he was leaving me to go back to live with her. MIL phoned me and gloated about it! She told me that he loved her more than me! She certainly controlled his life and he became more like her as he got older. I always thought that he should put me and our children first and not his bloody mother. Although, I was always nice to her and helped her as much as I could, to please him.
We talked about getting married before the first lockdown. I have a dress, shoes and beautiful fake flowers, so I can keep them. We found a church, a photographer, a caterer, we tasted cake flavours and ordered our cake and wedding meal, the only thing we hadn't chosen was a car. And then DP said that actually, he had decided that he still didn't want to get married again!
Up til this point I had done everything myself. I had tried on wedding dresses with my daughter, and organised everything. I had absolutely no one to help me and found it really depressing to organise something that should be fun and wonderful, all by myself. Lots of people said we should get married but no one helped me with any of the arrangements, and by that point I was tired, stressed and disillusioned. DP had only been cake-tasting and looked at the church venue.
So when DP said he had decided he still didn't want to bother getting married, I just thought Fuck it! Nobody wants to help, I'm getting stressed out and not even DP wants to bother. So I cancelled it.
I can't tell you OP how much I wished I'd just said, "You know what, we've organised it all, we're going ahead with it!"
This year, in July, we all got very sick with Covid and were ill for a month. Just as we started to all feel a bit better, my DP got ill again and a week later he had a massive heart attack and died. In the blink of an eye he was gone.
OP, I loved him with all my heart, despite his negativity. As you love your DP too. But now I've found that without that 'piece of paper' I'm not entitled to anything! Someone who's been married for a day or an hour would be entitled to their husbands pension and govt. help, but although we've lived together for 31 years I'm not entitled to anything. My life plan is now to work until I drop because I can't afford to retire and pension funds that would help me and our children can't be had. I always thought we'd grow old together and our pensions would be shared as our wages are or were.
OP if he wants to carry on as before, then please tell him that everything will be the same after the wedding and he will just have to put himself out for that one day. You could even go to a registry office and be done in an hour. I wish I could go back and just do it, just get that bloody stupid, unimportant, yet ultimately so very important, piece of paper. Do it for your DC OP. I wish someone had told me how important it would be. I didn't think I'd be choosing coffins for another 30 tears. And I didn't realise how stupid I was not to force this issue.
You know you love him OP and you know he wants to be with you. I know you feel broken-hearted and unloved, but seriously my lovely, pull up your big girl pants and get him down that aisle. You feel hurt and unloved, but for the sake of your DC and for bump, please just walk down that aisle and secure their future. This will calm down and you will go back to your normal life. I have a 'new normal' to face and it's hard and it's scary and I'm terrified. I can't believe now how stupid I was to believe that that 'piece of paper' was unimportant. Because it really isn't. God bless you OP. x[/quote]
This is so sad to read.

Hope he’s braced for the court of public opinion. Was in the hairdressers and an elderly lady was recounting sadly that her grandson had dumped his pregnant girlfriend. Every woman in their irrespective of age or class agreed he was a bastard - including his own granny.

There

@DarlingFell

What is it with these thick men that don't comprehend that having three children with a woman ties him to her a fuck lot more than getting married will

Does it?

They can and often do walk away and gave whatever contact they choose to have, no court can or would even try to force them to have contact.

Yes they will have to pay 12% of their salary (for one child, increasing a bit with each child) but that's not much and many use every trick in the book to avoid paying.

If they're not married their partner struggles big time to be able to touch any of their other assets.

Anyway, OP, your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you, and you already know the implications of this, so you can start planning how to be a single parent to three kids. You mentioned abortion, you shouldn’t feel it’s ‘cruel’, you need to plan what you’ll be able to cope with as a lone parent, and what’s best for your existing kids. Good luck.

@DarlingFell

What is it with these thick men that don't comprehend that having three children with a woman ties him to her a fuck lot more than getting married will

Because it doesn’t. He can leave and he gets 50% of the house - he can buy himself a nice 1-2 bedroom house or flat. Ok he has to pay maintenance but he doesn’t need to pay towards childcare so the OP if she could buy him out is shafted. My ex gave me £160 a month, nursery fees were £800 a month - yet he still had his son every other week end and half the holiday. It’s a win win for him as he is contributing towards 50% of his costs and just enjoying the weekend time - I don’t get why ex husbands and partner aren’t liable for 50% of all costs

@RippleEffects

Prioritise you. Right now if its not 100% about you and your DC try to push it out your mind. Sometimes its hard to see the wood for the trees when a flooring situation like this happens.

You need to be looking after you. Have you eatten this morning? Had your usual cup of tea/ coffee - avoid a caffine headache and drink it

Very basic stuff wash, get dressed, put war paint on, hydrate and eat something even if its just a banana.

A favourite aunty of mine when my XH suddenly left me with my two DC then 1 and 3 advised this. If you look together on the outside others are more likely to leave you alone. Then you control who, when and what you divulge of your situation. No one wants to be pulled apart infront of their DC at pickup.

Stick with the very basics - you need to pick up a DC then no doubt go through the lunch time feeding routine. Can you cope with a screen time afternoon of cbeebies?

Once you're all home and essential day tasks are done you can start on whether you need to call a friend/ family member and how different scenarios would leave you financially and emotionally.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I second advice from @RippleEffects about looking after you and your family. Stay strong x

And yet again, a woman choosing to make herself and DC vulnerable. Seriously, marry first before kids! I don’t have DC but when DH and I got together he changed everything so I’d get half. He is older and wanted to be married so that I’d be taken care of if anything happened to him. We got married 2 years in and still, everything he does is so that I’ll be OK. You P isn’t on the same page about this and there isn’t anything that can be done to change that.

Putting yourself in a legal situation where you can't just walk away is more a commitment than making promises that no one can hold you to. Now I wouldn't advocate marriage for everyone - I wouldn't marry someone with debt or a gambling addiction, for example but I would definitely advise it for women whose financial prospects have been hindered by child raising. A man at a financial advantage should want to protect the mother of his children and of he doesn't then that woman deserves so much better than to waste her life on him!

@Sadandsillybunny that is so desperately unfair. It feels like it should be illegal somehow.

My mums neighbour who is divorced with grown up son (two I think who we presumed were his only kids), shocked me by one day by saying he actually has two other sons, older, who he hasn't seen since they were young children. He said their mother was "crazy" and implied therefore he had no contact with them. Apparently it had conveniently never
occurred to him that if she really was crazy all the more reasonable for him to.fight for contact with them.(and stay in the same part of the uk). But no, off he went, never saw them again, has no relationship with them and I have no idea if or what he paid maintenance wise (he's a late middlr aged man).

Unfortunately, that's not uncommon at all.

Now I wouldn't advocate marriage for everyone - I wouldn't marry someone with debt or a gambling addiction

Also if you have significantly more assets than your partner, you'd need to think about it very carefully.

They could cheat on you and still leave with half your assets due to no fault divorce in the UK.

@sadandsillybunny, , what an awful situation. I'm so sorry.

I’m going to get flamed for this, but are you sure this can’t be sorted out by talking to him, and, with the best will in the world, are you sure that pregnancy hormones aren’t getting in the way of that and you may live to regret your decision ? Can you remember who started the ‘disagreement’ because fro your original post it does sound a little like he was looking for an excuse to get away and cool off. He sounds very immature, but it could just be that after years of jogging along together in a comfortable and secure relationship, the thought of actually formalising it scares him. You say you love him and can’t imagine your life without him ? Does he feel the same ? Maybe have a heart to heart and find out what’s really on his mind and re-examine your own feelings before you end it for good.

@MsTSwift

Hope he’s braced for the court of public opinion. Was in the hairdressers and an elderly lady was recounting sadly that her grandson had dumped his pregnant girlfriend. Every woman in their irrespective of age or class agreed he was a bastard - including his own granny.

Do they really give a fk.

They often move area so they don't have to deal with it, abd are shacked up eity another woman quickly who is naive enough to believe their excuses for why they left/why they just couldn't work things out with their ex. She is very hard work, after all.

Have you both spoken (as a couple) as to whether you both actually want to bother getting married? Marriage, to some people, is just a ceremony. You don't need it to raise your kids and live happily together. You obviously decided to have some children already, so why the sudden need to get married? Have a heart to heart - it might be marriage is a deal breaker for you, but I'd take time to consider whats really important, you say he says you wants to be with you. What do you want more - to be with him, or a wedding?

Don't cook for him.

Don't wash for him.

Don't sleep with him.

I don't know the situation regarding your home - joint names/ tenancy/ whatever, and you may not be legally entitled to chuck him out and change the locks, but you certainly don't have to skivvy for him. Your children are young. He is legally obliged to ensure they are fed and housed. You are their mother and principal carer. Get a solicitor. Establish your parental rights legally.

Wring the bar-steward out to dry, and his ghastly mother with him.

@Sadandsillybunny I am so sorry for your loss

Do you think he’ll change his mind when the argument has blown over? I agree with you OP, I wouldn’t be able to go back to how things were if that’s his final decision. Does he just not want the wedding? I think that’s very understandable, and in that situation I’d agree to a very small registry office wedding or a civil partnership. But to refuse to make any legal commitment, when you already have kids and were planning to get married, is something that would end the relationship for me. Good luck OP, if he’s that cruel and selfish, you really are better off without him.

If it was supposed to be in two months, i take it you have venue, food, clothing etc booked, invites out, your kids set up yo take part in it etc.?

What a cruel thing to do to someone, regardless of everything else.

Very sorry OP.

Has he said why it's not the right time. Has he got someone else on the side?

The best thing I ever did with my ex husband (apart from give birth to my lovely DC, of course) was marry him. Without that, I would have been absolutely screwed when we separated after 20 years together including 15 of these years with me as a SAHM.

OP, I know you're unhappy and I'm so sorry. But what you need to do as your very first step is get legal advice regarding your actual financial/housing situation. None of us can advise you without knowing this, but it's absolutely crucial that you have this information before you can even think about making decisions.

That’s awful

By telling his mum he doesn’t want to marry you but telling you he wants to stay together despite the whole wedding being planned It sounds like he is trying to shift the blame for the breakup onto you. Probably because he realises how much of an utter shit this will make him seem by leaving the pregnant mother of his other two kids.

Stay strong.

A relative had a partner who always said he'd marry her. They were engaged and everything. Children, etc.

After almost 3 decades together (youngest DC still at home. Not yet 18) he pulled the plug. Kicked her out, left her homeless.

Tell him to GTF.