Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wedding is off hand hold please

243 replies

emarlow · 18/10/2021 09:00

We were due to get married in 2 months time I am currently 4 months pregnant aswell. I was really looking forward to it.

Me and OH got into a disagreement the other day and he went to cool off at his parents house before coming back. When he went over there he told his mum that he doesn't want to marry me now and believes that it's the wrong thing to do to go ahead with the marriage.

We have 3 DC's together I can not imagine my life without him.

For me I feel like this is the end of the road, we have always stuck together their has been many ups and downs but I love him so much.

He said he wants to be with me but not marry me yet. I don't see the point in me hanging on to him, he can quite happily have kids with
me but doesn't want to marry me.

The kids have gone to school and I just keep crying, I have told him to just pack his things and leave I feel so humiliated.

OP posts:
ImitationofBeing · 18/10/2021 10:20

Is it the actual wedding he is 'scared' of?

Or is it being married?

Aderyn21 · 18/10/2021 10:21

You are definitely NOT overreacting. A wedding that's supposed to be 2 months away and he pulls this shit? Personally I don't think you'd be overreacting if you buried him under the patio!
I hope his mum is not one of those 'my son can do no wrong' types and gives him an earful when he moves back in with her!

I know it's really awful now, but you will get through this. You have 2 lovely children and a third on the way, you have a job so won't be left with nothing coming in.
When the dust has settled, get onto CSA about child support and contact him re contact arrangements. Wake this stupid bugger up to the reality of what he's done.

Annasgirl · 18/10/2021 10:28

Oh, OP, please be strong here. Please ignore those posters telling you to suck it up and take him back - some women will accept any treatment from a man.

You are correct- he goes not want to marry you. He does not want the financial commitment. And because you are not married, he has no financial obligation to you - but he does to your children. So make sure you get on to the CMS and get his payments.

On a practical level, do you have a good friend or family member who can come over today and support you?

I hope there will be people on with more practical support later. For now, we’ll done, you are an amazing strong woman and you will get through this.

saleorbouy · 18/10/2021 10:30

Younger to find out if it's the wedding he's anxious about or the marriage to you. They are two entirely different things.
It is perhaps playing on his mind about bring the centre of attention and that can be unnerving, perhaps a small ceremony might be easier.
If it's the marriage he bothered about then you will need to have afrank discussion about how to proceed and how you will manage child care and expenses.
It will be hard be perhaps it's better to find out his true commitment to you and your dc now before you become legally entangled.

saleorbouy · 18/10/2021 10:32

Better

TheDuchessOfMN · 18/10/2021 10:32

OP, you have nothing at all to feel humiliated about, he does.

BeMoreQueer · 18/10/2021 10:35

What a selfish prick

So you’re good enough to mother his spawn, run a house that he can benefit from but the security of marriage is too much?

Men like this make me sick

Why is it so often when you’re pregnant they show their true colours?

mae2014 · 18/10/2021 10:35

Oh hunny :( hand holding xxxxx

beigebrownblue · 18/10/2021 10:39

I'm sorry but I would be changing the locks.

You are not married, so you can do this, as far as I know.

After that it is 'ducks in a row' time.

Paperwork gathering.
Finances.
Solicitor.

Please have some self respect.

i know it is a shock but stand tall you got this.

Wroxie · 18/10/2021 10:42

If it were me I would do everything possible to get him to go through with the wedding up to and including begging, threatening, and witchcraft. I would then stay with him exactly as long as a really good divorce lawyer advised in order to divorce his ass and get as much as I possibly could out of him and I would laugh in his face when the judgement was passed.

This might not be worth the trouble if you don't own your house or have much in savings or assets but he is effectively withholding safety and financial security from you. This is controlling and abusive behaviour and you need to think really hard about how to walk away from this with as much as possible - if there's no money involved, then focus on your children's comfort and your own self-respect.

SallyWebsterr · 18/10/2021 10:49

OP you are incredibly strong and will look back on this and be glad you did what you felt was right.

Aprilx · 18/10/2021 10:56

@beigebrownblue

I'm sorry but I would be changing the locks.

You are not married, so you can do this, as far as I know.

After that it is 'ducks in a row' time.

Paperwork gathering.
Finances.
Solicitor.

Please have some self respect.

i know it is a shock but stand tall you got this.

I agree with the sentiments, but if the house is in joint names, then no OP has no more legal right to change the locks than he would have.
SpiderinaWingMirror · 18/10/2021 11:02

Has he said this to you? Or has his mother told you he said it?
There is a world of difference. Was he confiding his fears into someone he thought he could trust or say it, knowing that it would be passed on.

toomuchlaundry · 18/10/2021 11:05

What is your financial situation? Housing etc?

Aderyn21 · 18/10/2021 11:05

Interestingly though, if one person moves out, the other can apply to prevent them from having free access to the house - it comes under the right to privacy or something. In which case the OP could change the locks. The key thing is to ensure he properly moves out though. He would still own his 50% but wouldn't be able to just come and go at will.
I would definitely recommend getting some legal advice because we don't know how your assets are set up. In some cases, even when the man owns the whole house, the woman, as resident parent, can be awarded the right to remain in the house until the children are legal adults.

Bopahula · 18/10/2021 11:10

You are absolutely right in saying this is a line that cannot be crossed for you. If he doesng want to get married then fine (as hard as that would be), but he doesn't get to live with you with all the benefits of a relationship but not marrying you.

Stop doing anything for him too. No marriage, no domestic support, no wife work or anything. Baby gets your name.

Sending so many hugs, it must be awful to be in this position.

Eralos · 18/10/2021 11:12

I’m so sorry. What a bastard.

tara66 · 18/10/2021 11:13

Do you own your house or rent? If owned - is it also in your name? Don't worry about the wedding - concern yourself with the assets - what are they? If you have jointly owned house, you should be entitled to 50% of value or right to live there because of children. He will also have to pay child maintenance. Even if you are not on house deeds you should be entitle to a % of its value. Ignore MIL.

VodselForDinner · 18/10/2021 11:14

He’s behaved horribly.

Take today to cry, OP, but then get into fight mode.

What’s your housing situation? You’re working, is it full time? Do you have savings?

FortunesFave · 18/10/2021 11:14

Absolutely don't accept him back. This is awful...to do this to you and expect you to say "Oh that's fine!"

What a twat.

He'll be sick with worry soon. And he'll beg you probably...

toolazytothinkofausername · 18/10/2021 11:15

Everything will be alright in the end. If it is not alright, it is not the end yet.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/10/2021 11:18

So sorry OP, I think you'e doing the right thing though

YetAnotherSpartacus · 18/10/2021 11:20

Wedding aside - will he treat you well financially in the event you split?

BingBongToTheMoon · 18/10/2021 11:20

Is your mum around? I would phone her.
Or a sister/ really good friend.
You need support and people have got to know.
I’m so very sorry.

madisonbridges · 18/10/2021 11:20

Forget being strong, be sensible. It's very easy for posters on here to give advice to leave and have done but you have feelings for the man and you have children together. Don't make decisions based on what other people around you might think or on how you feel humiliated. And definitely not when you're angry. This is about you, your family and your future. You need to talk with him when you've both had time to cool off and you both need to state what each of you expect from the relationship and how you imagine your future together. If it is a mismatch, then obviously your staying together looks dubious. Be firm on what you want but don't try to force or blackmail him which will lead to resentment.
Even if you decide to split, you'll still have three beautiful children that will always bring you endless pleasure (and a bit of stress 😉 )