Wedding is off hand hold please

[emarlow]

We were due to get married in 2 months time I am currently 4 months pregnant aswell. I was really looking forward to it.

Me and OH got into a disagreement the other day and he went to cool off at his parents house before coming back. When he went over there he told his mum that he doesn't want to marry me now and believes that it's the wrong thing to do to go ahead with the marriage.

We have 3 DC's together I can not imagine my life without him.

For me I feel like this is the end of the road, we have always stuck together their has been many ups and downs but I love him so much.

He said he wants to be with me but not marry me yet. I don't see the point in me hanging on to him, he can quite happily have kids with
me but doesn't want to marry me.

The kids have gone to school and I just keep crying, I have told him to just pack his things and leave I feel so humiliated.

What is it with these thick men that don't comprehend that having three children with a woman ties him to her a fuck lot more than getting married will

Once you're married, it will be harder to leave. It means dissolving a legal contract and splitting assets and all the rest of it. Right now, he can leave anytime he wants and it is quite easy, other than deciding what to do about your joint home. Once he's married you, he cant just easily walk out. That's why he is saying he wants to be together but bow married. He wants to easy walk-out available to him.

He isnt committed to the relationship. He's happy to stay together as long as he has an easy escape route. That's not love. Not the type you want anyway.

It'll be very hard to go your separate ways when you still love him, but it may be better for you in the long run. He isnt worth spending your life with if he wont commit. He isnt worth wasting another few years on waiting for him to leave.

@madisonbridges

Forget being strong, be sensible. It's very easy for posters on here to give advice to leave and have done but you have feelings for the man and you have children together. Don't make decisions based on what other people around you might think or on how you feel humiliated. And definitely not when you're angry. This is about you, your family and your future. You need to talk with him when you've both had time to cool off and you both need to state what each of you expect from the relationship and how you imagine your future together. If it is a mismatch, then obviously your staying together looks dubious. Be firm on what you want but don't try to force or blackmail him which will lead to resentment. Even if you decide to split, you'll still have three beautiful children that will always bring you endless pleasure (and a bit of stress 😉 )

Please don't listen to terrible advice like this. You will have a life of misery staying with a man who didn't want to marry you, who you weren't 'enough' to marry, in his eyes. Having self respect is worth its weight in gold, it really is.

What sort of example do you set to children if you show them that you stayed with their father, despite the fact that he didn't want to marry their mother

I'm so sorry this has happened to you and am FURIOUS on your behalf at the utter arrogance of saying out straight (which he effectively has) that you're good enough to bear multiple children for him (and all the career paralysis/vulnerability you have shouldered as a consequence) but not good enough to MARRY.

He is a bastard, and you are much better to have him out of your life now. He never loved you the way you deserve, and you gave up everything.

Do not accept him back - if he's done this once, he'll do it again.

What's your job situation like? Are you working? Do you own or rent, and in whose name? Do you have any assets? Do you have parents of your own on the scene?

You have been hugely fucked over, and you are NOT friends with this man any more, so you need to go on the offensive and protect yourself. Do you have friends in real life who will support you?

Huge huge hugs.

Sending you strength op, what a tough time you are going through. You feel humiliated but YOU aren’t the one behaving like a giant arse. take your time to decide what is best for you and your children.

@tara66

Do you own your house or rent? If owned - is it also in your name? Don't worry about the wedding - concern yourself with the assets - what are they? If you have jointly owned house, you should be entitled to 50% of value or right to live there because of children. He will also have to pay child maintenance. Even if you are not on house deeds you should be entitle to a % of its value. Ignore MIL.

This is great advice. Your priorities need to be

1. Your own mental and physical health
2. Stability for your kids

Both of these will be helped a lot by money and securing the roof over your head and your share of any assets.

Do you rent and whose name is on the tenancy ?

If you own, how is that split between you.

Check the CMS calculator for how much child support he needs to pay you.

What you MIL says and why your partner is such a bastard and who will cancel the wedding need to be lower down on your list.

Do you have any joint bank accounts? If so take 75% of it out and put in an account with a different bank. Then take advice later as to what proportion you should return , based on your share of other assets.

Get a friend to come and help you contact wedding suppliers. See what money you can get back. Any financial losses from this are at least half his.

I've never understood this argument.
Surely children are much more of a commitment than marriage?

Not financially, @MrsKeats.

If someone can be this cruel to you while you're pregnant, he's not worthy of a place in your life.

You're worth better, and will function perfectly well without him. Let yourself grieve what was and focus on yourself. I'm so sorry this is happening to you

Well yes but kids do tie you together.
Is it a financial thing then op?

He's an arsehole, and he's using you for as long as it benefits him. So sorry you had to find out at such as vulnerable time.

@MrsKeats

I've never understood this argument. Surely children are much more of a commitment than marriage?

Not for all men, how many men do you know that just walked away from the kids, how often have we read on here a thread about some woman left on her knees as she has no support from the father of her children? The government write off millions in owed maintenance too. There seems to be nobody holding these types of men to account, just women trying harder to hold it all together.

Back to this thread, OP do you have family or a friend that can be with you today, that can look after your DC for a bit? I'm so sorry that this has happened, but please ask someone for support today and take care of yourself.

Oh OP I am sorry he’s treating you this way. You deserve far, far better.

@Wroxie

If it were me I would do everything possible to get him to go through with the wedding up to and including begging, threatening, and witchcraft. I would then stay with him exactly as long as a really good divorce lawyer advised in order to divorce his ass and get as much as I possibly could out of him and I would laugh in his face when the judgement was passed.

This might not be worth the trouble if you don't own your house or have much in savings or assets but he is effectively withholding safety and financial security from you. This is controlling and abusive behaviour and you need to think really hard about how to walk away from this with as much as possible - if there's no money involved, then focus on your children's comfort and your own self-respect.

This

Very sorry, OP, that must have been a shock. Did your DP's DF ever become ready to marry his DM or is his DM still waiting until she is good enough?

FWIW, I think be strong is good advice as otherwise, you'll risk telling him that he can do what he wants with you permanently and you'll take it.

Good luck.

@MrsKeats

I've never understood this argument. Surely children are much more of a commitment than marriage?

Not really- not for men, anyway. When a man leaves his partner he usually has visions of being EOW dad or Disney dad.

Ok so deep breath,have a think
Is the relationship salvageable? Do you want to remain together?
Is marriage the absolute, is it a deal breaker? No marriage, you’ll break up
Have things come to an inevitable head, was the relationship heading for break up married or not?
Can you continue unmarried?
What’s the housing situation? Are you both on mortgage or tenancy?
Are the finances shared?

@MrsKeats

I've never understood this argument. Surely children are much more of a commitment than marriage?

Having children is nothing to do with commitment.

Surely children are much more of a commitment than marriage?

How?

So many people have children together and are not together. And so many people dump their children too.

My guess here is that he does want to keep his options open, and the OP is good enough for now. What a twat.

You're doing the right thing.

BTW, if his DM calls anyone in your family, it might be an idea to prime them to tell her to FO and tell her son to call them himself. If you have living parents then he should have the gumption to be willing to say the 'not yet' line.

I agree - OP’s first thought is how she’s going to cope alone with 3 children - I doubt ‘D’P has any visions of how to juggle work childcare and housework!

I think the trouble here is also if he backtracks and says he does want to marry you in order not to lose you, you'll never feel the same about the wedding.
He has completely ruined that special day now as you'll always be thinking, did he actually really want to marry me.
I can't see any coming back from this.

But in the long run, you sounds as though you are much better off with out him. How the hell can someone say they are not ready to marry you after 3 DC.

I would also suggest he does move out and stops gaining all the benefit without the contribution!

Prioritise you. Right now if its not 100% about you and your DC try to push it out your mind. Sometimes its hard to see the wood for the trees when a flooring situation like this happens.

You need to be looking after you. Have you eatten this morning? Had your usual cup of tea/ coffee - avoid a caffine headache and drink it

Very basic stuff wash, get dressed, put war paint on, hydrate and eat something even if its just a banana.

A favourite aunty of mine when my XH suddenly left me with my two DC then 1 and 3 advised this. If you look together on the outside others are more likely to leave you alone. Then you control who, when and what you divulge of your situation. No one wants to be pulled apart infront of their DC at pickup.

Stick with the very basics - you need to pick up a DC then no doubt go through the lunch time feeding routine. Can you cope with a screen time afternoon of cbeebies?

Once you're all home and essential day tasks are done you can start on whether you need to call a friend/ family member and how different scenarios would leave you financially and emotionally.

Ignore the change the locks advice it always pops up it’s rarely right