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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wedding is off hand hold please

243 replies

emarlow · 18/10/2021 09:00

We were due to get married in 2 months time I am currently 4 months pregnant aswell. I was really looking forward to it.

Me and OH got into a disagreement the other day and he went to cool off at his parents house before coming back. When he went over there he told his mum that he doesn't want to marry me now and believes that it's the wrong thing to do to go ahead with the marriage.

We have 3 DC's together I can not imagine my life without him.

For me I feel like this is the end of the road, we have always stuck together their has been many ups and downs but I love him so much.

He said he wants to be with me but not marry me yet. I don't see the point in me hanging on to him, he can quite happily have kids with
me but doesn't want to marry me.

The kids have gone to school and I just keep crying, I have told him to just pack his things and leave I feel so humiliated.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/10/2021 11:54

You have my sympathy OP, a very hard situation to be in.

Just thinking that perhaps the way to look at it is, who proposed in the first place. Is this a big wedding that is perhaps getting out of hand as relatives pile in and cause tension? Is it the financial pressure? Worries about expanding family. There are solutions to all of these issues if he wants to stop and think about it.

I think you need some real answers from him and he's flying off the handle refusing to discuss it... so unfortunately you need to find a way to make him sit down and answer your questions like a grown up, honestly and without storming off whenever the conversation becomes unpalatable for him.

He's currently saying what he doesn't want then he needs to explain what he does want. Then you will be in a better position to decide if you can live with that or not.
I hope you've got some real life support to help you through this, be very kind to yourself, must be hard with all the worry, childcare and preg hormones.

user1469544430 · 18/10/2021 11:54

I wouldn't listen to the people saying 'if it's just the wedding stay with him', he could have told you he hated the idea of a wedding like a normal adult human. He could have talked about it with you. You shouldn't have to wheedle the 'truth' out of him because he's had a strop and engineered a situation where you have to hear this through the lens of his mother.
Your heart tells you it's over, so listen to it. This man will make you feel like crap if you don't and you won't be getting what you need emotionally: let others make their own decisions, but your heart is telling you this is wrong. He could be there talking to you (or trying to) right now but he isn't.

Viviennemary · 18/10/2021 11:57

It is hard. But is this wedding costing money and if finances are tight then it will be stressful. Did you both plan another baby. Up to you whether or not you take him back. I would if it suited me to.

PjsOn · 18/10/2021 12:03

"Not yet"????! Happy to get you pregnant 3 times but marriage is too big of a commitment for him? I don't think I'd want to stay together if he wouldn't marry me, although you'd be worst off a single mum. I have 3 children, there's no way I'd have had my children with my husband without knowing he's 100% committed (married). I'm on maternity leave for the 3rd time in the space of 5 years, my pension is taking a hit, it'd be mad to be having kids with someone who can just walk away and leave, his savings and pension unaffected mine taking a hit. Nah. You can't go back in time so I guess you have to decide whether you are happy to carry on as you are, unmarried.

MrsKeats · 18/10/2021 12:08

That's very depressing if people see kids as no commitment.
I would definitely not be letting him back-you would always be on edge waiting for him to pull this type of thing again.

Somebodylikeyew · 18/10/2021 12:09

You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of, OP. Hold your head up high. He, on the other hand… what a dick.

Get through today, one step at a time. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed, so just take the day in tiny bits x

amazeandastonish · 18/10/2021 12:13

How much longer will he string you along?

If you set another date, will he pull out of that?

You deserve better

HalzTangz · 18/10/2021 12:14

I don't get why people think marriage is the be all and end all, it doesn't prove commitment, it just proves you can say I DO and sign some marriage papers.

Commitment surely is the day to day life, raising a family, having a home, making decisions together. Surely that is far more important than a wedding day

MrsFin · 18/10/2021 12:15

Honestly, men boil my piss sometimes! It's always all about them, still, isn't it!

Does he realise the implications of NOT being married - to you mostly? Have you explained it to him (not that you should have to - but you might have to).

What is it YOU want? A wedding, or a marriage? If it's the wedding itself what would he say to a quick register office do with just a handful of witnesses?

Also this: stop having babies with him. You're just getting deeper and deeper in your commitment to him while he's keeping you at arm's length and refusing to give you any legal protection as partner and mother to his children

Eesha · 18/10/2021 12:17

Really sorry for you Op but in a way, better you know now than going into a wedding which he doesn't want. Its not right at all given your situation but now is the time to get your ducks in a row and sort out what next.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 18/10/2021 12:18

*I don't get why people think marriage is the be all and end all, it doesn't prove commitment, it just proves you can say I DO and sign some marriage papers.

Commitment surely is the day to day life, raising a family, having a home, making decisions together. Surely that is far more important than a wedding day*

I agree - but then I'm marriage-free (and weddings make me heave).

I'm also financially protected.

I just hope that the OP is or that the wedding-averse DP realises his commitments in thi srespect.

SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 18/10/2021 12:21

This is so heartbreaking to read. I don't think I can say anything different from what others have said. I really hope you have real life support. Flowers

Sadandsillybunny · 18/10/2021 12:23

@emarlow. This is my first post although I've been reading here for a while. I felt I had to post because as far as I can see, either I am you or you are me!
My other half sounds like your other half. we have 2 DC plus I had 4 miscarriages (well 3 really because one miscarriage was a set of twins). My other half was married before and always swore that he would never ever get married again. But he was with his wife for 4 years and married for 2. He's been with me for 31 years. But I loved him so much and thought marriage was 'just a piece of paper' and the fact that we were together, without that 'piece of paper', proved our love for each other was strong and durable.
His mother, like your MIL, is a narcissist, and makes everyone's life hellish. She is just horrible to everyone but insists everyone 'owes' her. We had a really bad argument once and DP phoned his mum to say he was leaving me to go back to live with her. MIL phoned me and gloated about it! She told me that he loved her more than me! She certainly controlled his life and he became more like her as he got older. I always thought that he should put me and our children first and not his bloody mother. Although, I was always nice to her and helped her as much as I could, to please him.
We talked about getting married before the first lockdown. I have a dress, shoes and beautiful fake flowers, so I can keep them. We found a church, a photographer, a caterer, we tasted cake flavours and ordered our cake and wedding meal, the only thing we hadn't chosen was a car. And then DP said that actually, he had decided that he still didn't want to get married again!
Up til this point I had done everything myself. I had tried on wedding dresses with my daughter, and organised everything. I had absolutely no one to help me and found it really depressing to organise something that should be fun and wonderful, all by myself. Lots of people said we should get married but no one helped me with any of the arrangements, and by that point I was tired, stressed and disillusioned. DP had only been cake-tasting and looked at the church venue.
So when DP said he had decided he still didn't want to bother getting married, I just thought Fuck it! Nobody wants to help, I'm getting stressed out and not even DP wants to bother. So I cancelled it.
I can't tell you OP how much I wished I'd just said, "You know what, we've organised it all, we're going ahead with it!"
This year, in July, we all got very sick with Covid and were ill for a month. Just as we started to all feel a bit better, my DP got ill again and a week later he had a massive heart attack and died. In the blink of an eye he was gone.
OP, I loved him with all my heart, despite his negativity. As you love your DP too. But now I've found that without that 'piece of paper' I'm not entitled to anything! Someone who's been married for a day or an hour would be entitled to their husbands pension and govt. help, but although we've lived together for 31 years I'm not entitled to anything. My life plan is now to work until I drop because I can't afford to retire and pension funds that would help me and our children can't be had. I always thought we'd grow old together and our pensions would be shared as our wages are or were.
OP if he wants to carry on as before, then please tell him that everything will be the same after the wedding and he will just have to put himself out for that one day. You could even go to a registry office and be done in an hour. I wish I could go back and just do it, just get that bloody stupid, unimportant, yet ultimately so very important, piece of paper. Do it for your DC OP. I wish someone had told me how important it would be. I didn't think I'd be choosing coffins for another 30 tears. And I didn't realise how stupid I was not to force this issue.
You know you love him OP and you know he wants to be with you. I know you feel broken-hearted and unloved, but seriously my lovely, pull up your big girl pants and get him down that aisle. You feel hurt and unloved, but for the sake of your DC and for bump, please just walk down that aisle and secure their future. This will calm down and you will go back to your normal life. I have a 'new normal' to face and it's hard and it's scary and I'm terrified. I can't believe now how stupid I was to believe that that 'piece of paper' was unimportant. Because it really isn't. God bless you OP. x

Roselilly36 · 18/10/2021 12:25

@DarlingFell

What is it with these thick men that don't comprehend that having three children with a woman ties him to her a fuck lot more than getting married will Confused
Absolutely, I just can’t understand the thinking either!
NowEvenBetter · 18/10/2021 12:26

Why are so many posters wrongly saying that having a kid with someone is more of a commitment than marriage? Of course it’s not, one is a legally binding contract that means the two adults are legally each other’s family, and have protections. Any idiot can reproduce and walk away, it’s not a commitment.

ChickPeaSalad · 18/10/2021 12:28

He doesn't want to commit to you. He knows you inside out and has decided that he doesn't want to be legally committed to you. I'm sorry this is happening. If you're considering an abortion then listen to that voice, you don't have to have one but you do have options here and are very fortunate to have them. Three kids as a single parent (including a newborn) with this kind of man as a coparent sounds like an incredibly hard situation to be in that might be hard for you AND your existing children. I wouldn't mention abortion if you hadn't first but it's clearly something that's on your mind.

Having a child is a commitment to the child. You're committing to care for them for at least eighteen years. You can co-parent effectively as exes or friends.

Buying a property with someone is a financial commitment to the bank. You can split up, rent it out and both continue paying half each of the mortgage.

Marriage is the only direct commitment to your partner. While it lasts anyway.

The idea that having kids with someone is a commitment to that person is a nonsense thing used to try and get people who want the security of marriage to give up on it and tell themselves that it doesn't matter because they have the kids/mortgage anyway, despite the fact that having kids and buying a property with someone you're not married to is much more risky in the vast majority of cases.

NowEvenBetter · 18/10/2021 12:28

@HalzTangz

I don't get why people think marriage is the be all and end all, it doesn't prove commitment, it just proves you can say I DO and sign some marriage papers.

Commitment surely is the day to day life, raising a family, having a home, making decisions together. Surely that is far more important than a wedding day

It proves legally binding commitment, and provides legal protections. Which single people seem to frequently discover when their boy/girlfriend dies/dumps them etc. and they only then realise how much marriage actually matters.
ChickPeaSalad · 18/10/2021 12:30

@NowEvenBetter

Why are so many posters wrongly saying that having a kid with someone is more of a commitment than marriage? Of course it’s not, one is a legally binding contract that means the two adults are legally each other’s family, and have protections. Any idiot can reproduce and walk away, it’s not a commitment.
Ha! I was just writing about this when you shared your comment.

People tell themselves and others that to quieten the voice that says 'hold up... I want to be married, I've had a kid, I'm vulnerable'. They tell themselves it doesn't matter because a kid is a commitment so they can sit and live with being in a relationship where they're on different pages and don't have to face up to the elephant in the room and consider splitting up.

I didn't commit to my husband when I had a child, I committed to my child. I committed to him when I married him.

ChickPeaSalad · 18/10/2021 12:31

@NowEvenBetter

Marriage is one of those things that feels like it doesn't matter until shit hits the fan and one of you dies or your split up. Then it matters a whole lot!

It makes me laugh when people say it's just a piece of paper. I mean yeah, in the same way that a mortgage agreement or property deeds are just pieces of paper. If it was 'just a piece of paper' that didn't mean anything then surely it'd be no biggie to do it...

FlowerArranger · 18/10/2021 12:33

@Sadandsillybunny - wise words. I hope OP (and others) listen
FlowersFlowersFlowers

ChickPeaSalad · 18/10/2021 12:33

@HalzTangz

You're mixing up a wedding day and marriage. A wedding day is an optional, culturally significant event that most marrying couples hold to celebrate their commitment with their loved ones.

Marriage itself is a legally binding contract that makes you family in the eyes of the law and the state, gives you certain rights and legal responsibilities towards one another.

Many people get the two mixed up. You can get married without a wedding day (as I did). And have a wedding day without getting married (as my friend did, several months later they actually got married, covid waiting lists).

ZenHarmony · 18/10/2021 12:34

[quote ChickPeaSalad]@NowEvenBetter

Marriage is one of those things that feels like it doesn't matter until shit hits the fan and one of you dies or your split up. Then it matters a whole lot!

It makes me laugh when people say it's just a piece of paper. I mean yeah, in the same way that a mortgage agreement or property deeds are just pieces of paper. If it was 'just a piece of paper' that didn't mean anything then surely it'd be no biggie to do it...[/quote]
Spot on

mydogisthebest · 18/10/2021 12:36

@MrsKeats

I've never understood this argument. Surely children are much more of a commitment than marriage?
When so many children are "accidents"? Having sex and getting pregnant is no commitment.

Actually going and getting married is a commitment

SirGawain · 18/10/2021 12:36

I do think you're over-reacting a bit. @urbanbuddha**
Which planet are you on!!

JudgementalCactus · 18/10/2021 12:37

@HalzTangz

I don't get why people think marriage is the be all and end all, it doesn't prove commitment, it just proves you can say I DO and sign some marriage papers.

Commitment surely is the day to day life, raising a family, having a home, making decisions together. Surely that is far more important than a wedding day

Ha, tell that to women like @Sadandsillybunny! You can't ignore the legal implications or marriage.