@understandabl
Since typing on this website I’ve realised something, it’s not my problem, it’s his problem. The fact he doesn’t want sex has upset me a lot mainly because he also withdrew his affection at the same time and it was his love and affection that I wanted. But I’ve since read up online and spoken to my dr about low testosterone levels leading to lack of desire and the need for sex. So it might be something that could be fixed with hormones etc, but seems I’m the only one trying to make things work in the bedroom and he’s not bothered so I am starting to feel like giving up. Why should I be the one trying to keep things together by trying to solve this problem when he doesn’t seem to be bothered by it? He is going about life happy as Larry as if there’s nothing wrong between us. He acts as if he’s not a care in the world and it’s not a problem. But I do want sex, i want to be desired and I want love and affection, I feel like he’s not trying. Because he’s not. If I tell him I love him he’ll say it back, if I ask for a kiss I’ll get a quick kiss on the lips, if I want a hug I’ll get a hug. But I want him to want to do those things naturally because he wants to I shouldn’t need to ask. He brings me coffee in bed, he’ll do the cooking, he’s kind and helpful. He’s a good person and a great dad, I do love him but when he told me he doesn’t want sex anymore and he doesn’t fancy me anymore it broke my heart. I’ve been trying to fix things ever since. But he doesn’t seem to be bothered he thinks everything is fine. That this is just what happens as you get older. But we’re in our forties?! So with the help I’ve had from the members here I’ve realised it is probably the male menopause and there are things he could do about it. But he doesn’t want to. So I’m thinking if he isn’t bothered about fixing it why should I be? I’ve done everything I can? I’m now on antidepressants because of it. I just need to decide where I go from here, because we have children it’s not just all about me.
When this happens the first we do is look for complex answers: male menopause, depression. With me it was his upbringing and his psychology around sex that I focused on, because he still said he loved me and he still enjoyed my affection towards him.
But the killer is this: You tell your partner how unhappy you are, how it's making you feel and they just roll over your pain and expect you to suffer in silence. My ex said towards the end that he was just hoping I'd "adjust to it" but he never told me how he really felt, the best I got was "I just can't seem to respond to you anymore". This went on for years and that to me was the worst cruelty.
My ex said - "If Id told you how I really felt you would have left" - but that was my choice. When you don't have the truth you can't decide what to do with your life. I don't think sexuality dies - but with men, I do believe it goes underground. My ex knew a lot more than he would say.
I feel your pain - it's a terrible conflict you are placed in - like a quiet prison that corrodes your life and they don't care how you feel, not really. Ultimately you have to ask yourself is that really love?
In the end I blew it up by insisting on opening up our relationship. He then begun a secret 4 year affair and all the lying that goes with that. There was nothing wrong with his sex drive - it just had died as far as I was concerned. Looking back I wonder why I didn't just leave, but that's knowledge in hindsight. Knowing what I do now, at 60, I would have left in my late 40s/early 50s. It would have been so painful and difficult - but it would have been an act of self determination and self-love. I wasted years wishing and hoping and trying to "solve" it.
I would suggest if you can to get some therapy yourself. One of the things that happens when this is on your mind all the time, is that you cease to focus on yourself. And that is probably the only way things will change for you. You cannot change him - he has made his position clear, in action and minimal words.
I remember telling a male friend about my situation and he said "he's torturing you, you're living in torture". That's certainly how I felt. I know some friends were horrified when I forced the open relationship and had other lovers, but they don't know what it does to you. Ultimately it just prolonged a bad relationship I think, and wasn't a solution, so I'm not advocating that.
But you need to think about how you want to live. And what you can do for yourself.
And lastly - one of the big impediments to living a full life is the belief that a relationship is only successful if it lasts forever. We all buy into that delusion. Nothing lasts forever, and there is freedom in that knowledge.