Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

[whyamidoingthisamimad]

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

@MrsNameChange12345
It’s true that Some men do go off sex after child birth, as they see their partners as mothers not lovers.
You have a lot going on with a young child, affairs, talking to other people, sulking,, not sleeping in the same bed etc

I think you probably both need to get to basics and your relationship on an even keel and in the same bed to begin with.

I seemed to have just woken up one day and suddenly my husband was acting differently. He was the same funny dad to the kids but with me he was acting strange. There was no fun, no tickling, or grabbing me or slapping me on the bum if I was passing him. Then there came the sex - it was petering out, we used to get back into bed sometimes when the kids went off to school or even in the afternoon before they came home, or in the evening when they went to sleep, but then it became ‘only on a Saturday night after half a bottle of wine and few beers’ and then it finally stopped. I felt like this just came from nowhere. I couldn’t understand it. Our relationship has always been good fun and I know I’ve been ill these past few years but that didn’t seem to change things in the bedroom. He’s only 44 and he was never as highly sexed as his friends seem to be but I felt like things just ended over night almost. He says it’s normal as you get older but surely 44 is a bit young? He says he still loves me and everything is fine but he says he doesn’t fancy me anymore and if I go in for a peck on the cheek he pulls away and laughs it off. He acts like everything is normal, sits down and watches tv with me in the evening. There’s no arguing or anything. I don’t know..

@understandabl
Men in our 40s and onwards can go through something sometimes called Andropause , a bit like menopause as linked to hormonal changes, but more gradual, if he has never really been highly sexed, then probably the onset of this as his testosterone levels drop.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/male-menopause/

“He says he doesn’t fancy me anymore”

Quite hard to come back from that @understandabl

Are you sure there isn’t another woman in the background as your situation does sound unusual if it happened over a short space of time.

Mine was similar. My ex DH didn’t want sex with me for years but that was because he was having sex without someone else.

@understandabl my first though would be he’s having an affair.

@understandabl - I agree that 44 is a bit young to suffer the Andropause, but I guess it's not unheard of.

The "I don't fancy you anymore" thing is the hardest to deal with and come back from. That must have really hurt - hugs.

I'd say it doesn't necessarily mean he's having an affair, but if he really does feel that way, it might just be a matter of time.

What do you want to happen here? Do you want to try and make things work? If so, is it worth asking him if he does - be prepared for a bad answer...

@AverageGuy thank you, yes it’s a bit young I agree and I’ve asked him if there’s a third party and he says there isn’t and that he loves me and everything is fine between us. The wierd thing is it’s quite normal between us the amount of time we spend together, the laughs we have the companionship etc but I do love him and he says he loves me. It’s just the cuddly kissy sexy bit has gone. And I miss it. I am very affectionate and I enjoy feeling desired. That’s gone now. 😞

Yes I know that was a real worry at first, but my instincts are quite good and I think I’d know. Also he’s a farmer so works from home and I don’t know where he’d find the time to have an affair to be honest! 🤣

@Gloriagayn yes you’re dead right there. He’s never been good with words or one to whisper sweet nothings. I did say to him how do you think that makes me feel?! And he looked all upset I think knowing him what he meant was our relationship has changed and unfortunately he no longer wants to rip my clothes off.. which is the problem.. but still loves me and wants to be with me. He was never that highly sexed compared to other men so this could be the start of his testosterone declining? I wasn’t ready for this to happen in our forties I’ll be honest. I spoke to the dr and she suggested therapy, I mentioned it to my husband and he said “therapy? What for? What’s wrong?!” I said “you know” and he just fobbed me off and walked off. He doesn’t like talking about it.

@FabulousMrFifty
I’m beginning to think you’re right, I read up on that link and it does sound like it. I’m sure I’d know if he was having an affair and I also trust him and I don’t believe he is. (Call me naïve) we do love each other and our relationship is pretty much normal in every other way apart from this. The dr recommended a couples councillor or medication. But she said he will have to work at this as well. Because the lack of testosterone means there’s no need or desire for sex so he might not be interested taking hormones for example-because he feels fine as he is and thinks our relationship is fine as it is. I mentioned therapy and he was confused “why do we need therapy?”

@understandabl - he obviously doesn't think anything is wrong with the relationship. Did he ever say why he "doesn't fancy you any more" ? What changed?

Not ideal, but you could consider talking to him like a farmer... I'm no expert, but I believe there are things like mares that need, er, servicing? Talking to him in a language that he understands, iyswim.

As I said before what do you want to happen here? that's the important thing. You could consider playing away, but that's frought with issues..

I thought I’d give you all a little update, as I posted a few months ago about our relationship where I had lost all desire for my partner. We’ve since had couples counselling and I’ve realised I’m really angry about a lot of things that I have been suppressing throughout our 11-year marriage. In fact we have taken on the role almost of mother/son - no wonder I have no desire for him. There are many things that I have realised I am not happy with, and whilst on their own they may not seem ‘bad enough’ I believe that altogether, actually they are bad enough.

The counselling currently is making me feel angry and I don’t think it is helping us bring us closer together. I’m fact, I now believe that the right thing for us would be to split and I’ve got my eye on the new no-fault divorce law this spring.

I hope you’re all doing better than me!

@Jaguarshoes - many men go from having a mother to having a wife, and treating the wife the same way they... That's not an unusual thing - the woman ends up loosing herself in the relationship...

[quote AverageGuy]@Jaguarshoes - many men go from having a mother to having a wife, and treating the wife the same way they... That's not an unusual thing - the woman ends up loosing herself in the relationship...[/quote]
Yes I can see that but since he actually does washing and cooking, I had nothing realised that this was our dynamic. I also happen to be wearing the trousers in every way. I do find this very unattractive bit of course this creeps up on you, it’s not something that was necessarily obvious from the start. The fact that he hardly had any time being single in between girlfriends was probably a clue.

@AverageGuy he didn’t just blurt it out he took a lot of cajoling and me demanding to know what was going on. Then he said I’m ill all the time in bed, and he finds it hard to see past my illnesses, he said he can’t remember the old me how I was before I got ill he just sees a sick person in bed. He said if we went to see a therapist they’d just tell me the problem is that I’m in bed all the time.
The thing is he’s a great dad and I do love him. I don’t feel the need to play away but who knows in the future. He also might get that feeling to play away in the future if it’s just me he’s not into anymore. But for now I think he could be suffering from low testosterone or depression maybe? and if it’s not that and it’s the fact that I get Sick every now and again then that says more about him than it does about me and although I love him a lot, if he’s the type of man to be that shallow then he’s not the man I thought he was and he can close the door on the way out..I’d be heart broken for the kids and I’d be upset myself but I’d manage.

I’m done with this marriage this year especially has broken me the grumpiness the wasting money little sex No for about six years I’m making plans for next year. The jokey name calling I’m a slut, slag, Come bucket, adult red because of my film star crushes (which have saved my sanity though my first marriage and now this one) I’m 55 and worn out.

@understandabl
Glad it helped, due to testosterone levels dropping slowly in men, the desire for sex just tends to fall away over time, but if you husband was never really into sex it’s probably started a bit earlier than would be expected, the “ I don’t fancy you” comment might mean he simply doesn’t fancy anyone any more.
You can get testosterone support etc over the counter from people like Numan, but I think they are little more than general supplements
really,

welcome.numan.com/supplements/testosterone-support

you really need to get him to see the GP, but he probably feels fine, so might be a tough call, I have read that the Gels work well.
As an aside, does he still get erections in the morning?

Sometimes you just have to accept its not going to work. My marriage was sexless for ages despite all my efforts to please him. In the end i dd take a lover (which i accept is not the solution for everyone) but at least i did feel appreciated as id started to think i was unattractive and men didnt like me so it did restore my confidence
the marriage did end a couple of years after

@understandabl - obviously, nobody wants to have the sort of health issues you've been through (hugs)

And I'm sure it's been hard on him - neither of you is to blame for the situation you find yourselves in, but you don't have to stay in that situation.

You know it's not working (and he does as well), but there is a way out - either together or seperately, you just have to decide what you both want.

@Holothane - calling you those sorts of names just because you have a crush on a celeb or two? That's disgusting. No-one should be treating you like that. Good for you in making plans!

Personally, I'm ok with a partner having a crush or two - it can be fun sharing that with your partner, and pretending....

@Jillzcrazy

Sometimes you just have to accept its not going to work. My marriage was sexless for ages despite all my efforts to please him. In the end i dd take a lover (which i accept is not the solution for everyone) but at least i did feel appreciated as id started to think i was unattractive and men didnt like me so it did restore my confidence the marriage did end a couple of years after

I think that eventually it does become inevitable that one partner ends up getting involved with somebody else when the sex goes.

Thankyou got my own bank accounts sorted little pension will pay bill for now I go the joint account means I can save pip I mean mine of course starting to get rid of-blu rays ect I can get stuff online now and keep on my Pad, slowly but surely things will start to happen next year. I can say no more here.

@FabulousMrFiftyim not sure if he gets erections in the morning anymore? I’ll try and see. I went to see my gp who I get on very well with and I talked to her about it and she gave me the number of a couples therapist. She said she works miracles and I could go by myself if it was too difficult to get my husband to go along. I thought I might give it a go. I don’t have anything to lose. I think I’m at the beginning of a long hard slog. Of trying to find out what the real problem is and to try to make things better if I can. At least if I do this I know I will have tried everything I could. Before I have to call it quits. It’s not that I want to break up or have an affair or that I want a new relationship. It’s not that I’m a sex maniac or anything, but I miss the affection and the cuddles and kisses. The feeling of security I had in my relationship (loads of women here fancy him, he is unusually handsome) I knew they could throw themselves at him and he’d be mortified by it. He only ever wanted me. But that’s all changed now. It feels like in the space of a year everything’s changed and it’s heartbreaking.

@FabulousMrFifty please see above msg

@AverageGuy thanks yes I know. It’s such a big step ending your marriage especially when you have children and businesses tied up with each other. One thing I’m concerned about is that he might be getting advice from his mother (who hates me) and his brother who’s been divorced himself and after the initial upset now thinks it’s the best thing that ever happened to him.
I worry that he’s not realizing the fact that all that ‘sex love and adoration’ you feel during the honeymoon period when you are young, does wear off and change into a different type of love when you’re a bit older. Maybe he expected me to still be sexy mid forties. I know I can be and all my friends tell me I’m stunning and good looking which is sweet of them, but the fact that I’m in bed a lot being sick isn’t sexy and maybe he’s just got bored of it. Bored of being in charge of the kids and making dinner after a hard days work? I did try really hard to push myself to do more around the house and to help take the pressure off him a bit and I’d dress up and wear makeup but everyone else told me I looked nice apart from him. And in the end I pushed myself too far and ended up in bed again! Typical. But if something doesn’t change we will end up divorced. There’s nothing else for it.

@understandabl
Have just read your updates, good luck with the therapist.