Sexless marriage thread anyone want to join

[whyamidoingthisamimad]

We have it so infrequently I'm constantly wanting to divorce but I feel awful to disrupt the family. I've talked to him multiple times. Please can anyone help me how to navigate this as its highly unlikely to change

@UsedYourName A lot of the posts on here seem to be about partners who have shut down in other parts of the relationship as well, so your situation does sound a bit different because it sounds like he really puts in a lot of effort in other ways (unless he's doing that mainly to compensate for lack of sex life.) Do you think it could work if you just tried to talk with him gently just about one particular kind of possible activity (like oral or mutual touching or something) without mentioning any health-limited activities (like maybe PIV) at all? He seems to like doing things for you, so maybe he could start by doing just that one other thing for you, without having to talk at all about other aspects of sex? (Not saying it would stay this way forever, but it might possibly be a step and an improvement.)

😂

Sorry, ignore that!

It's hard isn't it? There are some good suggestions on here, and I think I will give it another go. A further discussion maybe useful. At least I can say I tried.

Thank you all for this thread.
Thank you all for your honesty.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences. Thank you all for making me feel less alone and obscure.
The empathy I have read on this thread is heartwarming and i feel for everyone who has gone/is going/or will go through this painful part of their lives.

I'm not married but I am in a relationship that is sexless and its tearing me up. I'm with him nearly 5 years. The past 3 years has been sexless. I can count on one hand the amount of sexy times we had since the spring of 2019. The sex between us wasn't all that great to begin with. From the start he always had to pull out to masturbate to cum. There's definitely some dysfunction there. That dysfunction has been met with him sticking his head in the sand and ignoring the elephant in the room between us. It's all just turned to nothing between us. I'm dying a bit inside each day. I hate it. There's no sexual connection or chemistry there between us any more and I think that's so important within a couple. I could understand if he was sick or ill with a cancer and unable to perform due to a cancer but this, I'm not able to understand. A few things leads me to believe that maybe porn might be at play here from him but I don't have any proof.

We are engaged but thankfully there's no wedding plans to date. He wants to get a move on organising a wedding and picking a date and I am apprehensive because I don't want to marry into something so sexless. I would be better off joining a convent than marrying him.

@BlondieD
Don’t get married until the sex is sorted out, you will have to be blunt.
I wouldn’t marry anyone who I wasn’t having regular sex with

Blondie, save yourself! Don’t marry him as you will regret it.

Just came across this thread as I've been absent from here for a while. I feel for those who feel totally undesirable or undesired, it's been 18 years now for me.....not counting or anything you understand..... but I dread the fact that I may never have a sexual relationship ever again. It's crushing sometimes so I try not to think about it, but..... I have thought about an affair (fat chance there at age 62), paying for sex - far too many ethical problems down that road, wanking myself to an early grave (tried that, didn't work:-) ) and quite frankly, I've just about accepted my lot in life. I don't know what would be the result on my wife if I left, or for that matter, on myself...... Mickey Flanagans' comment from his 'back in the game' routine where he says to himself in the mirror " is that how you want to be, a sad old bloke on a park bench in a raincoat with a dog on a bit of string smelling of piss". Ouch. I want lovemaking with my wife, not really someone else. I don't know what to do and even though I have good friends at work, most of them female, a 62 year old bloke talking about lack of sex is a no no, for obvious reasons (euww I suspect would be the result of that, not to mention losing my friends... it's a bugga and no mistake. Anyway, good luck to you all and here's hoping you get a result that pleases you. Merry Christmas.

@tiredmedic gosh that is really sad and a bit of a wake up call, I think. Have you worked on this with your wife? Was there some triggering event that stopped it 18 years ago and was it good before that? Or simply something that happened less and less?

I am in a sexless marriage but my partner is not undesirable. I simply do not feel any attraction to him for reasons that is only just now becoming clear to me. Ultimately, I believe I married him for the wrong reasons (which were right at the time) but he is kind and lovely. Feeling trapped by children now, I don’t want to ruin their perfect life.

@tiredmedic
I feel your pain, my marriage is sexless and I’m 10 years younger.
Since menopause my wife has no interest in sex at all, and it’s clearly not going to change, so I think separation is going to be the answer, but who will be interested in 52 year old bloke, no one that’s who.
It’s really shit some days

@Nedclarity, well I expect the onset of menopause didn't help, being a) in the medical field and b) Asperger's, naturally I have tried to research and understand menopause so as to be able to offer support and help......but she's lost interest and desire and has said as much, pity as our sex life was quite good prior to then. She sort of understands the problem sometimes (!) and at one point about 10 or 11 years ago said "if you must, make sure they're clean" .... as it happens, working in a urology theatre, I have seen more than enough prostate surgery that I have no wish to endure problems in that department, but increasingly firm research evidence points to the fact that underuse, shall we say, of the er, mechanism can lead to problems, so I'm a bit worried, selfish of me I know but when yousee what these poor blokes go through.......shudder. I don't know what to do, but thanks for your comment, much appreciated.

Long term married with kids in sexless marriage which is apparently my fault (my own mental block) with husband who’s unable to communicate and who doesn’t initiate. I started to feel really unhappy because that’s not how I imagine a happy life for me.

@Pky45 52 really is not old!

@tiredmedic funnily enough my husband once forwarded me a study about frequency and how it relates to prostate health. I think I told him that it wasn’t a responsibility he could add to my already heaving to-do-list and he’s perfectly capable of emptying the reservoir himself every so often 😂. At the time it felt like added pressure. As for the ‘if you must’ comment, that must have hurt.

Hello!! I’m new here and I’m in a similar situation. In fact I am very nervous about doing this and I only joined mumsnet after your thread came up and I plucked up the confidence to join.
I too don’t think there’s a third party involved, in fact I’ve asked him outright twice and he’s promised me there isn’t.
About three years ago I was struck down with M.E. And then I got fibromyalgia and then I got two more chronic diseases that sap your energy and cause you pain amongst other things - but which basically mean I’m in bed for 70% of the time.
We have two kids and I’ve never had any worries about my husband, we had such a good relationship I could trust him completely. He was never as highly sexed as other men but he was still pretty highly sexed. If I wAlked past and the kids weren’t there he’d be silly and squeeze my bum or try and grab a kiss and a cuddle. (Up until about a year ago) The kids would pretend to be disgusted at us if they caught us kissing and we used to tell them that they should be happy, that it means their parents love each other and it’s a good thing…
Anyway, I don’t know when it first started to happen but things slowed down, the sex started to happen less regularly and I’d ask why and he would say “well you’ve been in bed all week..” but before that he’d come to me even if I was still in bed and try it on. I started to notice that he became stuck in a routine and sex ended up being on a Saturday night and with lots of alcohol. I began to think that maybe he had to be drunk to have sex with me? I tried to initiate sex at other times but then he started going to bed just before me and would pretend to be asleep when I got in to stop that. Still he always managed to say a sleepy good night and I would say “I love you” and he would say “I love you too” but if I tried anything he would say he was tired. I started to think this was wierd, I’d always thought I was very lucky to have him as he didn’t mind my illnesses and still fancied me even though I’d put on tons of weight. The other mums at school all fancy him I know, as I’ve been told what they say about him. He is very handsome and younger than me and he’s aging well (bastard!) the school mums all throw themselves at him if there’s a school social and they get a bit tiddly. He’s always mortified. I’ve always felt lucky to have him he’s a good man and a brilliant dad.
But when I confronted him about the lack of sex he claimed it was normal, he said things change as we get older there’s nothing wrong. I’m not a sex maniac myself but I do need to feel loved and I need affection and with the lack of sex came a lack of affection. A big alarm bell rang for me when we were all messing about in the kitchen tickling the children etc and they tried to tickle him and they grabbed his arms and I went to give him a kiss on the cheek and he actually recoiled from me. As if it was repulsive. I found this really upsetting and went to another room. He came after me and cuddled me and I opened up to him saying that I didn’t mind not having sex but I needed a cuddle and a kiss and I still need affection. I asked him if he still loved me and he said he did and he swore there wasn’t anyone else. But he said he didn’t feel the same as he used to about me, he said he doesn’t fancy me anymore and can’t see past my illnesses and that I’m in bed all the time. But he still loves me. He didn’t like talking about it. He just wanted to carry on and not mention the changes. But I don’t see how he can carry on and not mind having no love and affection? No touching or hugging? Unless he’s getting it somewhere else? Which he says he’s not. We’ve been together for 16 years and he said he can’t remember what I was like before I got ill. Even though he was perfectly fine with me whilst I was ill at first, he’s only started to be like this in the last year or so? But I feel as though I know - me being in bed a lot maybe hard for him, having to do more cooking and washing etc takes more of his time up and looking after the kids etc, but it’s only been this last year that he’s become withdrawn from me and blamed my illness for it or saying it’s natural for marriages to change. It feels for me as if that came from nowhere, I am still in shock from him telling me that he doesn’t fancy me anymore. He wants to happily carry on as normal now. But I haven’t agreed to be celebate for the rest of my life. I’m not sure I want to live as companions. We get on really well we still have a laugh it’s as if only the sex side has changed but although I still really love him I just really want to have things as they were. I told him this and I said I needed affection. He said he loved me and would try harder… I thought you just naturally were affectionate with the people you loved?? You shouldn’t have to try harder?? So I don’t know what todo? I never thought I’d be in this situation, we were so loved up.?! What do I do?? At first I thought ok he’s got no labedo but we can get help for that, but now he says he doesn’t fancy me I’m not sure what I can do about that? He doesn’t want anything to change he wants to carry on as normal, everything else between us is fine. But what if I agree to plodding on in a sexless affection less marriage with him only for him to one day go off with one of the school mums and suddenly find his labido again?? I’ll have wasted my life? I mentioned therapy and that’s a no no. I ended up telling my mum about it and she said oh yes your dad was like that! She said he stopped talking to her for years and sex and affection obviously stopped as well and she cried herself to sleep. But stayed with him because of the kids. (Us) then suddenly it all changed and they’re nearly eighty and can’t keep their hands off each other?! Dad is so soppy and he’s always giving her cuddles and kisses. I was very surprised to find that out! Is it a male menopause? They do everything together, they’re always having weekends away and are the happiest they’ve ever been. So that gives me hope, but even so I don’t know if I can go through years of this before he ‘might’ have a change of heart? Is there a male menopause? Is he having an affair? Is it my illness? I am so confused and I love him and we’re very close in other ways but I’m also feeling very lonely and I just don’t know what to do. Obviously lying here in bed with too much time to myself doesn’t help as it’s all I think about!

@understandabl that must be so hard, for both of you. Is he depressed? It must have been really hard for him during lockdown if he does most things at home, perhaps he’s reached breaking point and his libido is suffering or sex is just another chore when he’s knackered? What is the prognosis for your M.E.?

I think perhaps he does need to see his GP and reconsider therapy. It sounds like you are both unhappy.

@understandabl
Wow, that’s an amazing post,
There is condition called ‘Andropause’, which is sometimes referred to as the male menopause as can be linked to changes in male hormones, but not really the same the female menopause, but you could read up on that.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/male-menopause/

But to be honest, I suspect he is seeing you and himself in different places now, he might see himself as more of a carer role then a husband/ lover role, almost certainly due to your illnesses.
His libido is probably being suppressed by the emotions your illness are generating as both of your life’s are being impacted, the future he saw for the both of you may be changed now.

As for the “he doesn’t fancy me” comment, that sounds like a tough thing to hear, but there are lots of posts on this forum and thread from women saying the same about their husbands and the marriage has become sexless, unfortunately I don’t think he is seeing you a sexual person at the moment.
Best of luck with everything

@Mumof3confused I think depression could play apart in it. He has had some mental health problems and has been on very strong antidepressants in the past. He’s recently come off them. He does seem a bit different in himself, he used to be more fun, more fun with the kids and silly with all of us. I expect that’s the depression. I would like to get him to therapy I think I may go and speak to our gp about this. He is very tired, he works here at home but it’s outside and physically hard work as he’s a farmer. Then he has to come inside and cook etc. I do feel very guilty about this and I try to help as much as I can. There’s no prognosis really, I’m going to see a new dr to try and maybe change my tablets to see if that’s a help. Apparently it can get better after menopause so I’m just willing that in quickly, I’m 48 and hoping it’ll change things. Thanks for your reply.

@FabulousMrFifty thanks for replying, yes sorry that was a mammoth post, it just came flooding out!
Thanks for the link I’ll have a look, but I think you’re right when you said he might see us indifferent places.
We always had this dream of moving homes and having a farm and bringing the children up in the countryside. Him farming and me working in my studio. Perfect, only I got ill so he’s still doing all his hard work outside and I’m lying around most of the time either in bed or on the sofa. I can see all the problems. He’s doing all the chores and he resents that and loses his temper with the children when really it’s me he wants to shout at. He seems to think I should push through the pain and fatigue and just get on with things. I understand why he can’t see past my illnesses as we don’t try to spend time alone or go anywhere so we’re always at home and he’s doing everything mostly. He’s always been a strong person who doesn’t talk about things and just fights it so he’s sick of hearing me talk about how I’ll I am. Which I understand of course, but I really don’t have anything else to say. I have nothing else to talk about. It’s sad because we used to have such a happy relationship. And I’ve been with him through all his own health ups and downs.

@FabulousMrFifty so what I meant to say is yes, I agree his image of us as a couple and where we are now and where he pictured us is very different. I always say thank you to him and tell him what a good dad and husband he is, I want him to know that I appreciate his hard work. He says “it’s fine, it’s what husbands do isn’t it?” But although every other part of our relationship is good our sexlife is dead and there’s no intimacy now. I feel like I’d just like a hug once in a while you know? Sometimes I’m in alot of pain and I’d just like some support from him. But he must be exhausted by it all. I suppose he’s finding it hard. Not the dream life he envisioned?

@understandabl this sounds so incredibly hard for both of you.

Hi all,
I'm 30, DH is 34 so we're still relatively young. Myself and DH have been together 13 and half years, married for 4.
We've never both been overly 'sexed' like we were in the early days. Maybe weekly or fortnightly was the norm for us for years, then it started to fizzle out to maybe once a month (if that) after we got married and moved in our home together. He's never been overly romancing and he's not the most affectionate person but even this seemed to stop too a couple of years back, I lost a lot of weight and I felt amazing, yet he didn't seem fussed.
Long story short but I had a brief affair with someone at work a couple of years back (biggest mistake of my life) it all came out and DH decided he wanted to stay with me and work through it. And infact, he seemed to get his sex drive back and we kinda were like when we first got together, going on dates etc.. there have been really tough patches but we worked through it and we've actually had our first baby this year! Who we both adore so much.
Since I was around 20 odd weeks pregnant he went off sex completely. Understandable I know this happens. We've had sex a handful of times since LO has been a few months old but it's always me who initiates it.
Our baby is now 9 months old but he seems to have lost the drive completely again.
Couple of weeks ago we had sex but he didn't seem to really want to. Then a couple of nights ago I asked him for some "us" time after LO was asleep and he said no he didn't feel like it, I asked if he's gone off me because I'm a mum or because of my body/stretch marks and he just said "I don't know what it is" 😳
I left the room to go and sulk and he later came into me to apologise and said he was just tired. But I really don't think that's it. I can't put my finger on it but something is wrong and I'm worried this is life for us now.
We have been sleeping seperately since LO came because he's such a light sleeper and has to be up for work so early. I wonder if he's just got comfortable and so used to being apart at night that he's just enjoying things like this now? But I'm not ☹️
Do you think it'll bounce back? Fo you think this is just a phase? I really hope so

I forgot to add that when it came out about me, he also fessed up he'd been "talking online" with a couple of girls but never took it as far as an affair. So we both had our faults at the time.
I'm worried if this is happening again or if I'm just overthinking everything and maybe this is normal for a while after having first child?
No idea

@understandabl
The sounds incredibly difficult for both of you, he sounds like he is being quite stoic about the situation, but I would guess its very difficult and maybe he has some kind of resentment that he almost has 2 jobs to do now?
I cannot see why you cannot ask for a hug etc, try and sit next to each other on the sofa p, that kinda thing

Regular poster NC.
I am so glad to have found this thread. My marriage has only been sexless for 2years, but I am dating someone whose marriage had been sexless for 17. I found it hard to believe at first but it seems that it is very common. He has very low self-esteem and I really want to help him but he finds it very difficult to believe that he is desired by me.