I did a thing. Was it bad?

[turnabouttime]

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

[BirdyBirdyTweetTweet]

@NiceGerbil where does it say that the OW didn't know she was the OW?

[evelynhugo]

Good for you. I wish someone would have told me when my ex was cheating. Everyone was happy to be a bystander and leave me at risk of std's and of just being an oblivious fool. Personally I would have been happy to get the tip off.

I think there are two camps, people who want to stay in the dark and pretend it's not happening and those who want honestly monogamous relationships. I think I'd enjoy watching that cheat deal with the drama too.

[NiceGerbil]

[quote BirdyBirdyTweetTweet]@NiceGerbil where does it say that the OW didn't know she was the OW? [/quote]
Ah sorry reread. Apologies!

So she shopped her mate. Not great either.

And I don't buy not at all close. When OP knows so much about sex life of both women, and knows gf went ballistic and OW (OPs friend) is being blamed for the note.

I have a feeling OP is not being quite straight with truth somewhere along line.

I mean if OW is good enough friend to discuss sex life (or how would OP know unprotected) then saying look. This is shit. He's a scumbag. I can't sit back and watch I feel strongly. You need to dump him he's s total shit anyway. I feel so strongly that I want to do... Something... To let GF know.

Getting an anon note about something so personal would totally freak most people out.

[NiceGerbil]

@evelynhugo

Good for you. I wish someone would have told me when my ex was cheating. Everyone was happy to be a bystander and leave me at risk of std's and of just being an oblivious fool. Personally I would have been happy to get the tip off.

I think there are two camps, people who want to stay in the dark and pretend it's not happening and those who want honestly monogamous relationships. I think I'd enjoy watching that cheat deal with the drama too.

And those who think it's a weird and cowardly thing to do.

And that enjoying watching the 'drama' is just horrible. This is real life. Horrible to enjoy it.

[Namenic]

Personally, if I was the gf, I would rather know. The cheater would be putting my health at risk and I wouldn’t want to waste any more of my life with him.

Different people are different, but I would rather have had the anonymous letter than not know.

[PurpleOkapi]

OP's feelings might be horrible (though I don't think so), but her feelings don't really matter. The act was done before she had those feelings, and the fallout would be the same regardless of what her feelings were. Its rightness or wrongness is determined by whether the GF had the right to know and whether either the OW or the cheating BF had any kind of right to confidentiality. None of that has anything to do with OP's feelings about anything.

[Namechangedforthethousandthtim]

I'm really surprised people are saying you were horrible to send the letter. Me and my friends have a policy - if ANY ONE of us finds out that ANY ONE of our partners is cheating, we will tell them - in person or anonymously if not feeling bold.

The person in the wrong is the boyfriend and the affair partner.

OP really did the GF a favour in my opinion.

As for enjoying it - well, sometimes it's interesting to observe human behaviour. We can't help it if something catches our interest. It's totally natural. OP could have been dishonest and lied about it, but she admitted she's kind of enjoying it, which is only honest.

[NiceGerbil]

What about anon letter could be a lie?

GF reaction means surely suspicious.

How many would think oh anon letter. And if no inkling of partner being like that. Would think ok yep thanks.

IRL wouldn't it freak most people out, make them feel paranoid about who on earth sent it. And not know what the hell to do?

And if untrue. Seed of doubt planted in previously happy trusting relationship?

[pinkhampoppy]

Not okaaaaay.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

It is slightly odd that you are deriving enjoyment from it but I still think you did the right thing.
I always think it's better for the cheated-upon to be told that it's happening. It's up to them then what they do about it, but they should have the choice.

Cheaters deserve whatever they get from the fall out of the situation - they brought it on themselves for cheating.

[Buildingthefuture]

Agree wholeheartedly with @msdoglady

Also agree that the gf must have had her suspicions for 1 anonymous letter to have this effect. I know someone else who received a letter exactly like this and she didn’t believe a word of it (turned out to be true though!)

[PurpleOkapi]

@NiceGerbil

What about anon letter could be a lie?

GF reaction means surely suspicious.

How many would think oh anon letter. And if no inkling of partner being like that. Would think ok yep thanks.

IRL wouldn't it freak most people out, make them feel paranoid about who on earth sent it. And not know what the hell to do?

And if untrue. Seed of doubt planted in previously happy trusting relationship?

Yes, sending a letter falsely accusing someone's partner of cheating would be horrible. But that's not what OP did - OP knows he was actually cheating.

I don't think the GF's reaction means she must have been suspicious before. She might have had no idea before, but the letter prompted her to look through his phone or do a bit of digging, and then she found real proof. Maybe she asked him about it and he admitted it. OP says he blames the OW for blabbing, so he's not denying it. Even if she did have suspicious before, she wasn't sure enough to break up over it, but now she is. Since it's true that he's cheating, I don't see how that's a bad thing.

I'm sure it would freak me out a little bit, but I'd be more worried about figuring out whether it was true than figuring out who sent it and why. I'd much prefer having to wonder who sent it than never knowing I was being cheated on and potentially exposed to STDs.

[WizardHowl]

I don’t think you did a bad thing, OP. I’ll never understand people who won’t intervene when they know someone is being cheated on. So much damage can be done to the unknowing cheatee before they find out - emotionally, physically, you name it. Nothing wrong with an anonymous tip off that something is going on so they can make informed choices.

My suspicion about what you’re feeling is because a) these dramatic events that are happening have been triggered by your actions, and b) no one apart from you knows that it was you who wrote the letter. For some people, that would definitely give you a frisson, and it certainly doesn’t make you ‘evil’ as some PP have said It might not be the most compassionate or caring reaction, but you’re not a saint. It’s pretty normal to have complex reactions to things, and if you examine your feelings honestly, they might not always do you total credit. But that’s part of being human. Ultimately, it’s mostly how you act that matters.

Bottom line is it’s not only Pam Shipman who loves the drama, but maybe she was one of the few to actually admit it!

[Cherryana]

You can do the right thing for the wrong reason. The wrong thing for the right reason.

Intentions and outcome are not always linked so neatly as we wish for. There is usually a tension between good/bad/right/wrong/helpful/unhelpful and you holding what you did as a mixture is more truthful and more in line with how most people are about their thoughts and actions.

I find your subsequent enjoyment of the unfolding situation both honest and upsetting - as it shows a split from empathising that both these women are real with real emotions.

Just because you feel a reaction first doesn’t mean that this has to be your ongoing response.

So, just because you have felt this flicker of enjoyment doesn’t mean you have to stoke it with dwelling on it, smirking, following it etc.

[MidlifeMel]

“I'm not a major friend of the OW no. The letter is because as I explained, I couldn't see how else to do it. The gf doesn't know me. I know who she is but don't know her. Standing by whilst some sly bastard is having unprotected sec with two women is not being kind or honourable. It's making you complicit. The weird satisfaction I am feeling is what I was struggling with but as several people have said, maybe that's not so unusual. I just feel sorry for gf. But not as sorry as if she still didn't know.”


Considering you aren’t close to the OW, it’s surprising that you know the sex was unprotected.

[TacCat49]

If i was the GF I would really appreciate someone like you disclosing the OW. Well done you.

[HeartvsBrain]

Sorry but I find this rather ironic, probably nearly everyone on here has a made up name (including me and you two), for the very reason that you are complaining about! We want to be able to say things without "outing" ourselves 😂

[Tiramiwho]

No, you did the right thing and I too am loving this.🤭
No less than the prick deserves
Would it be outing to spill some details how you were able to tell her, so she knew it was true?
Did you forward her something incriminating? 🕵️‍♂️

[EdgeOfACoin]

It sounds to me as though OP and OW run in the same circles and have mutual friends, though are not that close themselves. If it's an open secret among the friends, that would explain how the OP has more information about the situation than would otherwise be expected.

I don't think the OP has done anything wrong. I know someone who anonymously tipped off the gf of a serial cheater once.

The guy was dumped so quickly, I think the gf must have had suspicions already that were confirmed by the note.

As for those saying she should not have done it anonymously - there was a similar thread on here not so long ago where the gf chose to stay with her partner and then made the life of the whistleblower hell. (Slightly different circumstances, I think - possibly the whistleblower was an unwitting OW in that case.) I can understand the OP wanting the gf to know what is going on without being subjected to any fallout if the gf refused to believe the letter.

[Zippy1510]

The MN mentality is utterly bizarre sometimes. On one hand as soon as someone posts their other half has done as much as fart in the bed you get screams of LTB! On the other side when you get post like this about cheating men getting found out everyone’s all “oooh no don’t be a shit stirrer”. I would have told her too OP- not so much for my own enjoyment but because why should you be complacent in some dick head getting his own way at the expense of two women

[onelittlefrog]

To be honest I would want to know if someone was cheating on me.

I don't know if I'd do the same in your situation though as I'd feel like I was sticking my oar in.

It's very tricky and I don't really think there's a right answer.

Not sure about this enjoyment of watching the outcome, though. It is strange to enjoy watching someone's relationship fall apart. You should probably try to distract yourself from it.

[primrosee]

@thistimelastweek

Never ever say something you can't put your name to.

Love that. What a mantra

[turnabouttime]

@Salayes

Actually I think it’s quite self-aware if you to recognise you have a mixture of feelings and motivations. We all like to think we are lily white and only do things like this for good reasons - but there is a potentially darker side to it which you’ve identified. Maybe you’re enjoying him get his comeuppance, maybe that’s also mixed in with the sort of feeling you might get if you set a fire, maybe part of you feels satisfied you somehow ‘stood up’ even if anonymously to something you felt was morally wrong. Only you will know really what it is but i think it’s actually healthy your asking those questions.

You are spot on. What you are saying is exactly what I'm feeling. I went into this thinking it was the right and moral thing to do. I'm left feeling weird that one of the things I am feeling is fascination. I didn't expect that.

[Cascascascas]

@turnabouttime

You did they right thing

[Cascascascas]

@turnabouttime

Oops the right thing