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Original poster

I did a thing. Was it bad?

507 replies

turnabouttime · 13/10/2021 22:23

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

OP posts:
Original poster
turnabouttime · 14/10/2021 06:20

@NiceGerbil OW knew she was OW. It's a small area. Everyone knows everyone.

OP posts:
Unmerited · 14/10/2021 06:23

I think you’re not bad to have any feelings, we actually can’t help our feelings in themselves. But we can reflect on them and try to understand why we feel a certain way, and adjust actions accordingly. So I think when people wonder if it’s bad to feel a certain way, the answer is usually ‘no’, as the concern and reflection on those feelings is not usually something a person who doesn’t care about others would have.

I also think the feelings you’re discussing here are very - human - OP, and probably not at all uncommon!

HettySunshine · 14/10/2021 06:25

*'But wouldn't it be more awful to know that someone was cheating and having unprotected sex? I really felt it was not right to ignore.'
*
Considering you aren't particularly close to the OW and you don't know the GF at all, how do you know their contraceptive arrangements?

I think you did the right thing though. I'd want to know.

Original poster
turnabouttime · 14/10/2021 06:25

There are lots of situations where it would not be wise to put your name to it. If you would lose your job or business, if you were at risk of harm, if you know you'd be shot as messenger, if you fear reprisals. Not doing anything because of justifiable reasons is akin to putting yourself first ever though you know someone else is being but or put at risk. Why anyone thinks that is better amazes me when an alternative is to whistle blow anonymously.

OP posts:
smoko · 14/10/2021 06:26

You’re gutless for doing it anonymously. I’ve done this plenty but the difference is would send a FB message so they know who I am

Also from the way you speak it’s doubtful what you wrote was sensitive to this woman’s feelings. If you’d been brave enough to put your name to it then likely you’d have said it in a much more compassionate way.

Getting your thrills from this drama makes me think you lead a dull life

It’s certainly highlighted some serious flaws in your character

Glass houses & stones, pot calling kettle black…etc.

Someone got a thrill out of cheating & you got a thrill out of being involved in the drama of it.

That makes you as bad as the OW in my book.

I bet you’re still being two faced friendly to the OW as well. If you had more character you’d Grow some balls & tell the OW what you think of her via fb message.

HeartsAndClubs · 14/10/2021 06:26

I don’t believe for a minute your motives were altruistic here.

You’re friends with the OW, you send an anonymous letter. I think you likely did it because you hoped the man would leave his GF so he could be with your friend.

Sending anonymous letters isn’t an uncommon thing for OW’ to do if they think it will force his hand, so why not her friend do it on her behalf?

If you really disapproved so much that you felt the need to betray your friend’s trust, you would have ended the friendship, not sat around discussing her sex life with this man.

And I bet you’re sympathising with your friend while being fascinated by the drama you never expected to unfold. And you’re feeling bad about it because your little game didn’t have the outcome you thought it would.

Sending anonymous letters is gutless either way. if you can’t own it then keep out of it.

Rugsofhonour · 14/10/2021 06:28

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

timeisnotaline · 14/10/2021 06:37

thistimelastweek
Never ever say something you can't put your name to.

That’s a strange sweeping statement. What about whistle blowers?

rugs that’s what I was thinking! I’m usually pretty straight down the line but that’s an unsustainably black and white view. Good journalism has absolutely relied on keeping sources names secret, it’s a principle enshrined in law. But you do you thistime and let good people hang for trying to do the right thing.

smoko · 14/10/2021 06:42

Even the thread title makes light of the hurt & pain OP has caused

“I did a thing” is a very cutesy tongue in cheek term.

I wouldn’t want OW or OP as my friend, that’s for sure !

flippertyop · 14/10/2021 06:45

You did the right thing. I am shocked at some of the hate you are getting on here. I would want to know if I was the GF

Lifeisaminestrone · 14/10/2021 06:50

I personally think you must be a very sad individual to glorify in it.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 14/10/2021 06:51

Beware of karma. That stunt will come back to bite you when you least expect it.

Tiredofbs123 · 14/10/2021 06:55

I have no idea what your motives truly were and it’s weird that you’re enjoying watching the fallout but the girlfriend had an absolute right to know and for that reason (and that reason alone) you did the right thing.

We all deserve the right to our personal agency. The right to make long term decisions on the truth, infidelity steals that from the betrayed partner. She could have been planning a baby, mortgage, wedding, finances based on the idea that her boyfriend was honest and true to her! Telling a betrayed partner is the right thing to do.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 14/10/2021 06:58

@timeisnotaline

thistimelastweek Never ever say something you can't put your name to.

That’s a strange sweeping statement. What about whistle blowers?

rugs that’s what I was thinking! I’m usually pretty straight down the line but that’s an unsustainably black and white view. Good journalism has absolutely relied on keeping sources names secret, it’s a principle enshrined in law. But you do you thistime and let good people hang for trying to do the right thing.

Whistleblowers do put their name to an allegation.
Learningtobeafeministagain · 14/10/2021 07:00

@turnabouttime

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?
I did this years and years ago. I didn't even know the affair partner I knew her the OW and worked out where the OM worked and found out his wife's name. I typed a letter and sent it from a different city.

I just felt the wife had a right to know. I didn't see the fireworks -and do it for that. I just know that his wife left him and the children. I know the OW / OM relationship broke down and she was 'heart broken as he lied to her -he said his wife knew'. I didn't do it to be spiteful I was just sick and tired of her at work lying and cheating in her work time and did not believe the wife 'knew' and that they had an 'open marriage' and when his DS who was disabled reached 18 that he was leaving -he said they had separate rooms etc and I was sick of him spending 'family' money on nice weekends away shagging her and not on his son.

Happymum12345 · 14/10/2021 07:00

I would want to know if my partner was cheating on me. I wouldn’t take pleasure in letting them know.

IWantT0BreakFree · 14/10/2021 07:00

Can you explain a bit more?

What do you mean by where we all and are going?

The PP said "what we are doing. And I think it's pretty obvious what she means. Or should be. We are all currently on a website reading someone else's gossip for our own entertainment. Some of us seem to feel that OP should be condemned for the same human impulse. These are real people it's not a bloody soap applies to all the threads you read on here because you're bored and want to be entertained.

As for all the "nobody should say anything they can't put their name to", what a load of nonsense. There are lots of reasons why people may want or need to speak out about something anonymously. Whistle blowers who speak out about malpractice, bullying and bad ethics in the workplace but can't afford to risk their jobs is one glaringly obvious example that springs to mind. Why should any innocent party have to risk their safety, reputation, job, friends, whatever it may be, in order to talk about something that somebody else has done which affects other people? Why should that person be obligated to endure some kind of punishment or repercussion for simply being the messenger? That's a very warped way of thinking.

Morgan12 · 14/10/2021 07:03

I wish I had guts to do this. I know a woman who's best friends had an affair with her then boyfriend. Then she was bridesmaid at the wedding. They are still 'besties' and 'all so close'.

But ultimately not my business so I'm staying out of it.

DivorceAdvicePlease123 · 14/10/2021 07:03

I think you did a good thing as long as the only bit you're enjoying is his comeuppance. So what if you don't want the headache of outing yourself? The main thing is the poor girlfriend knows, the affair is hopefully over so OW can move on and his true capabilities have been revealed. If he wasn't such a lying, cheating bastard no such letter would have been created in the first place.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 14/10/2021 07:04

you didnt do a bad thing, i am surprised people are saying you did, when this is often the advice given

Cherrysoup · 14/10/2021 07:07

I think you did the right thing, people are forever saying on here that you should let the partner know they’re being cheated on. You do sound a bit pleased with yourself, OP.

ANameChangeAgain · 14/10/2021 07:09

I'm with @TopCatsTopHat
You did the right thing but probably for the wrong reasons, that doesn't make what you did wrong. Let's be honest, we all enjoy the drama, this is why reality TV is so popular.

IWantT0BreakFree · 14/10/2021 07:09

Whistleblowers do put their name to an allegation.

You can whistle blow anonymously.

RantyAunty · 14/10/2021 07:09

Which one of them are you interested in?

Nillynally · 14/10/2021 07:11

The gf should know, and he deserves to have been caught, the prick. You enjoying it is just an added bonus really.