I did a thing. Was it bad?

[turnabouttime]

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

[julieca]

Better she knows before she gets pregnant and has kids by him.
I have never done this, but if I did I would do it anonymously.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

@USA19891

If it was me I would want to know if my husband was doing something dodgy, especially having an affair. Somehow, someway it usually comes out in the end. I think you did the right thing and unfortunately if you hadn’t done it anonymously she probably wouldn’t have believed you, or she might have taken it out on you, or thought that you were jealous.

I agree. And anonymous was the best way to do it, I think your reasoning is correct.

The fascination thing I understand and have experienced myself. I no longer feel guilty about it. Just one of those flawed human responses.

[SammyScrounge]

Writing poison pen letters is an unattractive thing to do.

[julieca]

It isnt a poison pen letter.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

@SammyScrounge I suggest you educate yourself on what a poison pen letter is.

OP....you did nothing wrong. The schadenfreude you are experiencing is human nature. The OW is reaping what you sow when you hook up with a cheater, nine times out of ten he will throw the OW under the bus to save himself "Its not my fault for cheating, its her fault for telling!" He is reaping what you sow when you cheat which is lose the cosy set up with the primary partner. And the GF will hopefully reap what you sow when you ditch a cheating bastard which is freedom and happiness....it can take a while but it will happen.

I was once dangerously cut up by a speeding arsehole at a very busy roundabout. He did it to several people. When I passed him a wee while later with his expensive BMW wrapped around a lamp post and him screaming down his phone (clearly un hurt) did I smile? Yes I fucking did, he damn well deserved it and I was just grateful that the only person affected was him as he could have killed someone. Given that there was a lot of beeping by passing drivers, I suspect I wasnt the only one! Like I said, human nature.

[MsDogLady]

This man has been abusing his GF, with OW’s help.

Cheating
Lying
Putting her at risk for STDs and COVID
Stealing her consent and choices
Making a fool of her

OP, you provided the information she needed to use her agency and make decisions. She is no longer in the dark.

As for the Hypocrite and OW, they sound like a match made in heaven.

[chaosmaker]

I think you've done the right thing. It's now in the open and both women can make a better choice while the man has been outed for not being the icon he's promoted himself as. I understand that the GF would not have believed you. Did the OW know he was with someone already?

[Unmerited]

@Bluntness100

That’s really unpleasant of you.

Enjoy though, you do you.

Telling people you don’t know, ‘blunt truths’ and coming across as if you’re enjoying it? Yeah, you do you

[TrishM80]

I always try to go by the rule, if it's none of your business, stay the fuck out of it!

If a relation or very very close friend of yours is the one getting cheated on and mugged off, fair enough, but it sounds like you're not really emotionally invested in any of the parties involved so just did it to create your own real life soap opera! It all sounds a bit off to me.

[TheStoic]

To believe an anonymous letter, she must have already had her suspicions. This may have been the final piece in the puzzle.

[BadNomad]

I often dream about doing this. I know a married woman through a group hobby who has had multiple affairs and flings with men from the group. Everyone thinks she's so nice. Beautiful. Has a hard life. She tells various versions of the truth. The married men know she's married because why not. The others think she's a single mum who cant afford to live on her own yet. Everyone protects her because she's so nice and beautiful and has a hard life ya know.

But I only know so much because my ex got with her. Then I found out that actually they got together before he was my ex.. I'm still bitter and full of rage at them both. Her husband knows nothing about it. But I still won't tell him even though he deserves to know. I just think about it a lot and secretly hope someone else will do it. So thank you for doing the thing that needed to be done. I just wish you weren't getting pleasure out of it. That really sullies it.

[NumberTheory]

I don’t think it was a bad thing to do at all. The gf seems to have appreciated (in the broadest sense) finding out since she acted in a way that was only available to her because she was told.

Taking glee in it isn’t particularly nice, though quite human.

[Lampzade]

@Salayes

Actually I think it’s quite self-aware if you to recognise you have a mixture of feelings and motivations. We all like to think we are lily white and only do things like this for good reasons - but there is a potentially darker side to it which you’ve identified. Maybe you’re enjoying him get his comeuppance, maybe that’s also mixed in with the sort of feeling you might get if you set a fire, maybe part of you feels satisfied you somehow ‘stood up’ even if anonymously to something you felt was morally wrong. Only you will know really what it is but i think it’s actually healthy your asking those questions.

Totally agree

[Onthedunes]

There sounds like there is a buisness model in this.

A franchise of annonymous inbetweeners.

Good girl, you sound principled, loyal to women and with a mixture of street smart.

I'd employ you, want a job?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Very good point.... going ballistic to the point of dumping him does not come off the back of one anon letter. That letter gave her the information she was desperate for to prove she wasnt going insane and imagining things. Been there, done that, and wish someone had sent me the letter.

[BirdyBirdyTweetTweet]

I don't think there's you've done wrong. Apart from be friends with OW. Presumably you'll cut ties ?

[BirdyBirdyTweetTweet]

*anything

[NiceGerbil]

YABU

in doing that via that method in the first place.

And your feelings about the fall out are awful.

I'm sure most people would be totally freaked out to get an anon note like that.

This is real life not an Agatha Christie story or a soap.

I would be freaked out about-

Someone watching me? Or DH? WHO?

If someone I know then why not talk to me.

Someone close enough to care to write a note like this?

It's would be.. rather paranoia inducing?

Why would someone do this? Why care? Unless a friend in which case, why not talk to me?

I would never do that. Ever.

[NiceGerbil]

How do you know he was having unprotected sex with both women?

If not close friends with any of them how do you know she freaked out dumped him and other woman being blamed? To know that detail you presumably were told by OW which indicates more than acquaintances.

You should have just told her FFS. If you wanted her to know.

Not tricky.

I'm really sorry and feel I have to tell you that Dave has a girlfriend. I'm sorry. Thought you should know.

You are bang out of order.

[CheekyHobson]

Hilarious to read the pearl-clutching about the OP admitting to a taking measure of delight in seeing other people's drama unfold.

Let's not forget where we all are and what we're all doing, people.

FWIW I think you did the right thing, OP. The innocent party here is the cheated-on girlfriend and if she knew who you were I imagine she'd thank you, despite her temporary upset.

[GoIntoTheLight]

@Unmerited I also found that ironic, given that poster is one of the most unkind posters on this site!

[NiceGerbil]

@CheekyHobson

Hilarious to read the pearl-clutching about the OP admitting to a taking measure of delight in seeing other people's drama unfold.

Let's not forget where we all are and what we're all doing, people.

FWIW I think you did the right thing, OP. The innocent party here is the cheated-on girlfriend and if she knew who you were I imagine she'd thank you, despite her temporary upset.

Can you explain a bit more?

What do you mean by where we all and are going?

Why do you think it's 'pearl clutching' to think it's totally shit to watch other people's drama unfold? With a feeling of 'delight'?
I mean full stop. Let alone if you're the one who prompted it.

These are real people it's not a bloody soap.

And one of them (despite what OP said) is clearly a fairly good friend.

Jesus.

[NiceGerbil]

@BirdyBirdyTweetTweet

I don't think there's you've done wrong. Apart from be friends with OW. Presumably you'll cut ties ?

Why?

Point is OW did not know she was OW.

So..?

[PurpleOkapi]

No. I'd probably have stayed out of it if I wasn't close to either of them. And of course it's always better to be willing to put your name on things. But it's hard to argue that she'd be better off not knowing, and no one was hurt by it who didn't deserve to be.