Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I did a thing. Was it bad?

507 replies

turnabouttime · 13/10/2021 22:23

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 13/10/2021 22:41

People are being a bit over harsh op.

I would have done it. And in a way, I would have enjoyed doing it. Because its always good to see a bastard get their due and see the other people finally realise what they are.

They may be stressing and hurting now but at least they will be free of him.

I dont think it makes you evil, it's not like you are enjoying their pain. You just recognise that it's a price they need to pay in order to see him for what he is.

And good on you for telling them.
I'd be thankful to you. Though maybe not if I was the other woman who is currently being blamed xD
But once she reallises he is a wanker, she will get over caring what he thinks.

Voice0fReason · 13/10/2021 22:42

If you genuinely cared about any of the people involved you would have spoken to them or at the very least, put your name to it.

The anonymous letter was purely to shit-stir while you sit back and enjoy the drama.

Original poster
turnabouttime · 13/10/2021 22:44

@Voice0fReason

If you genuinely cared about any of the people involved you would have spoken to them or at the very least, put your name to it.

The anonymous letter was purely to shit-stir while you sit back and enjoy the drama.

You may be right. Maybe I didn't overly care about any of the players. But I do get the rage about someone being a shit, deceiving their partner whilst promoting themselves as being holier than thou and especially people who go around putting peoples health at risk by having unprotected sex with multiple partners when one partner doesn't know about the others
OP posts:
sorrysaywhatnow · 13/10/2021 22:45

@thistimelastweek

Never ever say something you can't put your name to.
This. In bucket loads
Coyoacan · 13/10/2021 22:45

I don't understand why you are being condemned. If I were the gf I'd want to know

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2021 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Bluntness100 · 13/10/2021 22:47

But I do get the rage about someone being a shit

But not enough rage to own it eh?

Hawkins001 · 13/10/2021 22:47

@turnabouttime

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?
Certainly Machiavellian, how close are you to the whole situation ?
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 13/10/2021 22:47

@turnabouttime

Ok so I am friends (not very close) to the OW and know of the gf. I felt really bad for gf and think he is a sly bastard. I ignored it and then genuinely felt like gf should know as I would want to know. But because I don't really know her I felt I couldn't go and tell her as she wouldn't believe me so I thought a tip off would be the way to go. I really did do this thinking it was the right thing to do. What is freaking me out is the fact that I am now fascinated by the whole unfolding drama. I did not expect to feel this
You found out that other people's drama entertains you. Especially if they're enough removed so you don't have to deal with any of the actual fall out. Like watching Jeremy Kyle or Judge Judy. I'm sire it's not really the first time either, except now you were the catalyst. That bothers you,but any guilt from that you can just explain away by "doing the right thing" and "she deserved to know".
LadyLolaRuben · 13/10/2021 22:52

@minou123

I think you did the right thing. And I don't think you're evil.

Maybe you are enjoying it because the sly bastard is getting his comeuppance?
In a way I kinda get why you are enjoying it.

The only horrible bit is the gf upset. But you didn't cause this, he did!

This is spot on.
Lilymossflower · 13/10/2021 22:54

Tbh I believe all women being cheated on deserve to be told be someone, somehow because otherwise it puts there health at risk. HIV and other such like serious illnesses. So you did the right thing morally imo.

mollycobbles · 13/10/2021 22:56

I too don't think you did the wrong thing - I'm not sure I'd have been brave enough because I'd have been scared of them finding out it was me, but I don't blame you at all.

I think enjoying watching the fallout is just normal human nature, even though most people wouldn't like to admit it. It's the sort of thing people would watch on a TV drama and enjoy. Schadenfreude is a real thing, and at least here the cheat deserves this upset.

TopCatsTopHat · 13/10/2021 22:57

Not true you should only speak up if you're willing to put your name on it. There are always situations where anonymous whistle blowing means a bad thing can end without an innocent witness being dragged down with the sinking ship, or attacked just for coming into some knowledge they never asked for.
Crack on op. Bastard got his due... Sadly rarer than it should be. I'd buy you a pint. Grin

sunnyzweibrucken · 13/10/2021 22:58

Honestly I've been cheated on twice in serious longterm relationships, and although I would've been devastated to get an email/note like this I would've been grateful in the end. I"m one of those that would rather know then to be blissfully ignorant of what is really going on.

You enjoying it is odd, but I can understand in a way. it's like morbid fascination with wrecks and disasters, etc.

puddlebubble · 13/10/2021 23:01

I don’t think what you did was absolutely wrong. I was saved from a horror of a relationship in my younger years by a vague acquaintance knocking on my door to tell me. But I always question the bearer of bad news and their pay off. Everyone has a pay off. Her’s turned out to be that it was her best friend he was trying it on with - or had - or whatever. That is fine. But yours doesn’t seem to come from that point, it comes in writing anyway as a sheer takedown of an individual you don’t like personally and that is why it’s a bit ‘Machiavellian’ as mentioned.

Smashingspinster · 13/10/2021 23:01

I dont blame you for doing it anonymously OP, and dont blame you for telling her either. There is a whole industry devoted to letting people view other peoples drama, so I think your interest is just human nature. As long as you did not do it just to stir up trouble, you did not do anything wrong.

TopCatsTopHat · 13/10/2021 23:03

Yes, morbid fascination and if people think that's not normal they've somehow managed to never be stuck in a jam on the motorway caused by people having a good look at the crash on the other side!

ArchangelKitKat · 13/10/2021 23:07

Don't like the way you did it but at least the cheating was exposed before they all get too far down the line and some kids are produced.

From gf point of view they would always be wondered who is the OOW (the one that knows but didnt put their name to the letter)

CuckooCall · 13/10/2021 23:14

Everyone knows that the messenger is the one who gets shot so I'm not surprised you did it anonymously. And I think it's immoral to not say anything knowing that one person is risking another person's health. I think you did right to let the gf know, even if you didn't put your name to it.

When I found out my ex was cheating on me I was devastated as it was a complete and utter shock. That devastation then turned into utter humiliation when I realised that every single one of our friends knew what he was up to and not a single person had thought to tell me. Them all knowing but keeping his secret not only showed me that they had taken his side in this situation but it also made me feel worthless in my friendships. All it would have taken was one of my friends to have sent me an anonymous note and I would have pieced it together a hell of a lot quicker than I actually did, and I wouldn't have spent months worrying myself silly over what was wrong with my ex and why was he behaving in a certain way. So I don't think you've done anything wrong, OP.

Obimumkinobi · 13/10/2021 23:18

I'm backing OP. Surely the "cuntiest" thing being done here is the cheating.
As for anonymous letter, meh, OP isn't blackmailing anyone or telling them they're adopted. If she out her name to it the furious cheater might take it out on her, so why take the risk?
And as for getting 'something' out of the drama, we'll we're all complicit in that, aren't we, as we're merrily chatting about it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/10/2021 23:20

You’re enjoying the fallout. Bit sick.

ArchangelKitKat · 13/10/2021 23:23

I can see it from both sides now. OP would have been shot messenger
gf is wondering 'who else knew?'.

Having read CuckooCall post i think it is best to know rather than being the last to know with loss of trust.

OP at least gf knows now what a cheating shit he is. Just step back now though eh? Your work is done...

Salayes · 13/10/2021 23:23

Actually I think it’s quite self-aware if you to recognise you have a mixture of feelings and motivations. We all like to think we are lily white and only do things like this for good reasons - but there is a potentially darker side to it which you’ve identified. Maybe you’re enjoying him get his comeuppance, maybe that’s also mixed in with the sort of feeling you might get if you set a fire, maybe part of you feels satisfied you somehow ‘stood up’ even if anonymously to something you felt was morally wrong. Only you will know really what it is but i think it’s actually healthy your asking those questions.

Triffiddealer · 13/10/2021 23:27

It’s not great but I understand your own sort of morbid horror at your pleasure in watching the building burn down. It’s probably not your finest hour nor a habit you want to cultivate….

However, I would have loved an anonymous note when I thought my ex was cheating on me. It would have given me proof I wasn’t crazy / hormonal etc. and actually I would have (once the drama died down) been pleased that someone actually gave a shit enough about me to say. (Still not sure I’d do the same though).

TopCatsTopHat · 13/10/2021 23:27

Salayes you're so right.

Swipe left for the next trending thread