I did a thing. Was it bad?

[turnabouttime]

Okaaaaay so, I did something kind of big and I'm now watching the repercussions kind of feeling guilty, kind of not and honestly? Kind of fascinated. So I found out someone I knew was cheating on his gf. So I sent an anonymous letter to the gf outlining the betrayal. She's gone ballistic and dumped him. She is really upset. He has blamed the OW for blabbing. He is freaking out as he promotes himself as having very highly morals and never cheating. She and he are mid 20s. OW is early 30s. Was I evil?

[TRex57128]

I don't know why people say it's none of your business,yes it's technically true, but I'd want to know if I was being cheated on. So I think that was the right thing to do in my book.

If you did it to stir sh*t/drama that wouldn't have been great but from what you've said it doesn't sound like you did.
.....but you are now enjoying it now... I guess it's better than feeling guilty. The only real loser is him and he's a dirtbag who brought it on himself. So I wouldn't worry about it.

[FeistyFi]

I don't think OP should have been involved at all although understand the concern being a friend. I've been the OW in the past and the GF so seen both sides. I can tell you for sure, whoever is cheating gets caught in the end, always! It's just a matter of time. I would have sat back and watch it all unfold instead without getting involved. OP appears a bit of a passive aggressive person and now enjoying the results?

[turnabouttime]

@FeistyFi

I don't think OP should have been involved at all although understand the concern being a friend. I've been the OW in the past and the GF so seen both sides. I can tell you for sure, whoever is cheating gets caught in the end, always! It's just a matter of time. I would have sat back and watch it all unfold instead without getting involved. OP appears a bit of a passive aggressive person and now enjoying the results?

Sitting back and watching it all unfold sounds really sick. Knowing that a woman is being deceived and potentially open to stds is not being passive. It is an act of omission just 'watching it all unfold'.

[tolerable]

to be honest-youre kicks are non important -tho you may wanna have a word with yourself. even if spite motivated. I would much rather be gf in the know than idiot of oblivion.so ..i think you played the right move. just keep your mouth shut now tho with regard to having been the one who blabbed or you will be hated.

[Pinklioness]

@FeistyFi

I don't think OP should have been involved at all although understand the concern being a friend. I've been the OW in the past and the GF so seen both sides. I can tell you for sure, whoever is cheating gets caught in the end, always! It's just a matter of time. I would have sat back and watch it all unfold instead without getting involved. OP appears a bit of a passive aggressive person and now enjoying the results?

That's not true. I know someone who's been having an affair for more than thirty years.

Also, how much damage have many of these women experienced, having been lied to and gaslighted before they actually find out.

[Damsel]

I think you did the right thing OP.

I received such a letter once that my BF was cheating on me with a woman I knew. As often happens, it turned out everyone knew, except me.

Obviously it was upsetting at the time to receive the letter but I was grateful for the information & opportunity to dump him.

[Ijsbear]

regarding Bluntness100's posts at the beginning of the thread, I really wouldn't worry about them.

She once told a cheated-on wife "to make it crystal clear, he chose her over you"

There's some very strange people who love sticking the boot in to cheated-on women and then bizarrely try to take some sort of moral high ground (just like the man in your situation!)

I think you did the right thing. Just keep an eye on that enjoyment-thing and if a similar situation arises, try to be sure you're acting for the best of motives. Don't allow the fascination to take over.

[WorkHardPlayHard1]

You did the right thing in tipping the gf off! The other two are just annoyed to be found out. He will think twice about doing that again and his reputation has suffered (rightly so, he's not to be trusted!!) 👏

[WorkHardPlayHard1]

@puddlebubble

I don’t think what you did was absolutely wrong. I was saved from a horror of a relationship in my younger years by a vague acquaintance knocking on my door to tell me. But I always question the bearer of bad news and their pay off. Everyone has a pay off. Her’s turned out to be that it was her best friend he was trying it on with - or had - or whatever. That is fine. But yours doesn’t seem to come from that point, it comes in writing anyway as a sheer takedown of an individual you don’t like personally and that is why it’s a bit ‘Machiavellian’ as mentioned.

She was triggered by his holier than though attitude and the horrible truth behind the false "nice guy" act!

[WorkHardPlayHard1]

@CuckooCall

Everyone knows that the messenger is the one who gets shot so I'm not surprised you did it anonymously. And I think it's immoral to not say anything knowing that one person is risking another person's health. I think you did right to let the gf know, even if you didn't put your name to it.

When I found out my ex was cheating on me I was devastated as it was a complete and utter shock. That devastation then turned into utter humiliation when I realised that every single one of our friends knew what he was up to and not a single person had thought to tell me. Them all knowing but keeping his secret not only showed me that they had taken his side in this situation but it also made me feel worthless in my friendships. All it would have taken was one of my friends to have sent me an anonymous note and I would have pieced it together a hell of a lot quicker than I actually did, and I wouldn't have spent months worrying myself silly over what was wrong with my ex and why was he behaving in a certain way. So I don't think you've done anything wrong, OP.

Yes they def should have told you. Were they scared of him? Xx

[Hellsbells35]

So surprised at these comments. Absolutely none of your business. And the fact the OW is your friend and got the blame makes it even worse.

It didn’t affect your life, and yet you decided to get involved in such a cowardly way? If it was the right decision you would have told them all to their faces. However, you knew the backlash you’d get because - it’s none of your business.

You literally just want the higher moral ground and they aren’t fitting into your views. And now you are enjoying with sick fascination the fall out.

How would you feel if someone ended up taking their life? Or harming one another?

Grow a pair and tell them you sent the letter.

[turnabouttime]

@Hellsbells35

So surprised at these comments. Absolutely none of your business. And the fact the OW is your friend and got the blame makes it even worse.

It didn’t affect your life, and yet you decided to get involved in such a cowardly way? If it was the right decision you would have told them all to their faces. However, you knew the backlash you’d get because - it’s none of your business.

You literally just want the higher moral ground and they aren’t fitting into your views. And now you are enjoying with sick fascination the fall out.

How would you feel if someone ended up taking their life? Or harming one another?

Grow a pair and tell them you sent the letter.

I wonder if you'd take the same stance if it was domestic violence, trafficking, fraud, coercive behaviour or child abuse. Or is it just cheating that you would overlook?

[zgirldreamsoftulum]

OP I've been devastated at the discovery my DH was cheating on me. The worst thing was not having known. It still tortures me that I don't know the extent of it and how long it has been going on. He refused to tell me the whole truth even when I caught him out.
You did the right thing.

[WaltzingBetty]

@Hellsbells35

So surprised at these comments. Absolutely none of your business. And the fact the OW is your friend and got the blame makes it even worse.

It didn’t affect your life, and yet you decided to get involved in such a cowardly way? If it was the right decision you would have told them all to their faces. However, you knew the backlash you’d get because - it’s none of your business.

You literally just want the higher moral ground and they aren’t fitting into your views. And now you are enjoying with sick fascination the fall out.

How would you feel if someone ended up taking their life? Or harming one another?

Grow a pair and tell them you sent the letter.

Are you genuinely implying that suicide of any of the participants would be the OP's fault?

Do you want to actually think about how factually incorrect that is (you clearly know nothing about suicide) and then how cuntish that accusation is?

It certainly reflects much more negatively on your character than the OP's.

[Sidehustle99]

@Hellsbells35

What a horrible thing to say. Is if the OP would be responsible for that made up situation rather that the DH and OW. Sometimes affairs a symptoms of much deeper familial problems like CA, DV and CC. HonestIy don't think it matters how the message is delivered as long as the unwitting party is made aware. The saying don't shoot the messenger ...
Most have said they would want to know. Only a few have said they would hate the embarrassment - as if that's somehow worse that your DP having an affair.

[SW1amp]

@Hellsbells35

So surprised at these comments. Absolutely none of your business. And the fact the OW is your friend and got the blame makes it even worse.

It didn’t affect your life, and yet you decided to get involved in such a cowardly way? If it was the right decision you would have told them all to their faces. However, you knew the backlash you’d get because - it’s none of your business.

You literally just want the higher moral ground and they aren’t fitting into your views. And now you are enjoying with sick fascination the fall out.

How would you feel if someone ended up taking their life? Or harming one another?

Grow a pair and tell them you sent the letter.

This is so incredibly out of order.

If anyone took their own life or hurt themselves, it would be in NO WAY OPs fault

If having your life choices discovered makes you take your life, you need to make better life choices. You don't need to hope that the world conspires to cover us up shitty shitty decisions.

It makes NO difference who sent the letter as long as the contents are truthful and factual.

[Hellsbells35]

domestic violence, trafficking, fraud, coercive behaviour and child abuse are all illegal. Last time I checked cheating wasn’t. It’s peoples personal lives and I stand by that it was none of your business. You’re just getting off on the drama.

[Ijsbear]

why are they illegal? because they fuck people's lives up. So does cheating. If you think betrayal of trust, lies and devastation don't come with cheating, you're just plain lying.

[Eleganz]

Cheaters need to recognise this as an occupational hazard really. Can't feel sorry for the guy.

If only one of the people who knew that my ex was cheating on me sent me a letter. Would've saved me a lot of time!

[DFOD]

Seems that unanimously every cheated on person wants to be told by someone.

Seems that face to face is the preference.

Next step is for the cheated on person to decide if the messenger is unable to do it that way - would they prefer an anonymous message or no message at all.

I understand the distress of wondering who knew and who sent the note - but the anonymous messenger actually reduced the number of further people knowing due to making the intervention.

I think that this thread has only taken off in this way because the OP said she gained some satisfaction watching the fall out - when the reality is she would have also gained the satisfaction of seeing the distress of the cheater whom she already despises if she had said who she was.

I am interested how the OP can continue her friendship with the OW with a poker face?

I am sure that the affair partners will have a short list of who they have told and will be working through that.

[turnabouttime]

Update for anyone interested. Cheat dumped OW immediately. No idea how that will pan out long term. He is working extremely hard to convince GF that it was all not true. He is spending every hour taking her out for meals and staying over with her every night. She seems to be buying it for now but at least she will know if she sees signs in the future if deceptive behaviour to get out

[YouJustFoldItIn]

Again, an awful lot of quite intimate information for two people you claim to not know well.

[DFOD]

Are you the OW?

[turnabouttime]

Like I said earlier -small small place.